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I've seen posts on here about groups before, but I had another question.

I don't want to be grouped, and I resist it in my mind - but, I know some people (ESFJs in particular) like groups and like being part of a team. I think one of their greatest qualities (when working properly) is inclusiveness and gathering people together. But, yet, I feel strong resistance.

It's nice they include me and I can justify it that way to myself, but I still feel like I don't want to be seen as like them (kind of 4 of me, I guess?), although I would never share that. I just let them.

Anyway, how I do let them group me without getting so bothered by it? Is the solution just to be more secure in myself and not minding what they think of me?

It just feels weird when they say stuff like "I love our special class!" or "This cast (theater) is the best!" Lumping me in when I don't even really know them. Is my rejection due to my disliking of what I consider false intimacy?
 
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Haha, I have the same issue! I always cringe inwardly when that happens. Inside I'm always laughing to myself because "you don't really know me at all...you wish." I just have to laugh it off, others' ideas of intimacy is intriguing to me though, so I do make a mental note of how people view relations with me. I don't really care what they think at the end of the day unless they force themselves into my life. Other than that, I just keep to myself to not be a prick. Do I really need to tell them that their idea of togetherness is superficial and crass? Not really, that's just my opinion, they seem to be satisfied and they aren't really affecting me, so I let it be.
 
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Hm... say one put 10 jars of different spices on a table, fairly close to each other, that is a group is it not? The Spices on the Table-group. But that doesn't have to mean they become anymore alike, or that they are not part of any other groups. Cinnamon is in a tall red jar with fabric on it, it is part of the group barks, and of the group spices from Zanzibar, and of the group brown objects and of the group sweet but not sugar. Pepper on the other hand is in a simple glassjar of the same kind but smaller, as the ones containing sugar, salt, flour, beans and spagetti. It is part of the buring sensations-group and of the round seeds-group, among others.

I don't have a problem being part of a group, as long as it doesn't take to much presedence over other aspects of me, is what I tried to say. Or if it comes with strong expectations to conform or be loyal even when not agreeing etc. (loyal example: someone in the group talks about how much they hate something, and the others join in in the cursing over it, that way creating groups cohesion by creating a common enemy for a moment, sometimes I can't help but express my disagreement in such situations, and sometimes people seem to find that somehow rude, ruining the group-feeling, if those tendencies are too strong I feel uncomfortable in a group.)
 

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I remember feeling that way years ago -scared to be grouped in case of having my identity mistaken for something else, being seen inauthentically by others from the outside, not being perceived as who I truly am, my individual.
In recent years not so much because I feel extremely independent inside, and I allow people to get to whatever conclusions they want about me. Would I prefer that my self-image coincides with the image others see? Yes. But I can't actually control how others see me, because it's perspective, so I let it go and give it to the gods, and focus on my inside.

So even in situations where I let the group decide (democracy) and I don't actually want to do that thing or go to that place, I'll shut up and go because I have an agenda, and I can feel myself as "apart from them" at all times, even if superficially I seem to go with the sheep, inside I'm not, I'm just following my agenda and getting what I want from the situation.
By "agenda" I mean my goal. Why am I there? Why did I say yes to hang out with these people instead of staying home?
Examples:
- I usually let my family choose the restaurant because my goal is not to eat a specific food or sit in a specific place, the goal is to be with them.
- I let my ex's friends rule the show and choose the restaurants and choose the activities, because my agenda was to socialize and get mental stimulation, and Ne stimulation. I didn't want to spend saturday night at home, or alone with him watching movies all the time, I was bored sometimes and I craved stimulation, and those people were as good as any to get stimulated, try different activities, etc. I wasn't there for them as people, I was there for my own gain, my own exploration of new activities, and also to get to know my then-SO in a social environment, I wanted to see how he was like out there in the world when he wasn't locked up in a bedroom with me, u know. My Ne was extremely satisfied, and those people were tools that entertained me. And it wasn't like I saw them as objects, I came to care about one of them actually (he hated me though lol) but it was interesting to observe humans for who they are, listen to their stories and get to know their minds. It ws like going to watch a movie at the cinema. There's a distance between your reality and the fiction on-screen, but at the same time you feel the two realities fused. When you leave the cinema, you reflect about what the film made you think about the world, new ideas, new archetypes, etc. In the same manner, when I would leave that group and go home, I would reflect on what they made me think, what I learned from them good and bad, gave me food for thought (stimulation), etc.
My agenda, then, was to enrich my own life with stories external to me, to learn about the world, and also to learn about myself. My agenda was never to make friends or get close.

Now, if my agenda was to actually build intimacy, then I would focus on what creates it. And to me that's straightforwardness and honesty -among other things. So I would speak up a lot, engage the people, make myself visible, etc. I would speak up about what activities I prefer to do, I would be more pushy with my needs, etc.

So I would approach each goal/agenda with a different strategy, depending on how I think I can get what I came here to get, or to build what I came here to build. It's a case by case thing.

1 Anyway, how I do let them group me without getting so bothered by it? 2 Is the solution just to be more secure in myself and not minding what they think of me?

3 It just feels weird when they say stuff like "I love our special class!" or "This cast (theater) is the best!" Lumping me in when I don't even really know them. Is my rejection due to my disliking of what I consider false intimacy
1. Know your agenda. Know why you're there.

2. This is a crucial part of the puzzle, yes. But it's not the whole puzzle imo. Ime, becoming confident and whole didn't translate automatically into wanting to socialize. It was my curiosity about life that grew bigger and bigger over time, and this curiosity made me choose certain things for my everyday life. One of these things was socializing with groups, saying yes to invitations that I would've said no to before.

3. I have no idea, only you can know that.
Ime whenever that situation happened, I felt bothered because I disagreed with the statement, and hated that someone would speak for me. Whenever that happens, I speak up and say "Really you thought that was good? Mmmhh I disliked it..." and have my own say. I will not let them speak for me. This, of course, makes me come across as antagonistic sometimes, I guess they feel "why do you have to have an opinion about eeeeeverything?" but the thing is.. it's not like I want to state my opinion and expect everyone to agree with me. I expect everyone to say their own opinion. In fact, when people agree with me too much, I get suspicious lol. I truly want people to have their own say, I want them to be authentic.
 

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Sounds like quite a pretentious environment. For a type that leads with intuition its stressful and draining, because what you are perceiving with the senses is not matching the reality of the situation.

Twirler, based on your presence on PerC you seem to be a really lovely person but you must work on this.

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things: 1. every person on earth & their opinion of me 2. the crushing psychological weight of being alive.
 
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