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My husband and I were talking about me and F/T. He's ESFj, and the look on his face about my being a feeler, let's just say, he looks disgusted that I would put any energy into that possibility.


I need my energy to go elsewhere, i.e. into meditation, reading on mythology, philosophy, theology, bird watching, training baby rats, writing, dancing, and what-not.


I told him, "I don't care about people, really," and he knew what I meant, and said, "Yes, you do care, but you don't need friends the way others do, and you care about learning... not more maybe but you don't make friends easily. It's hard to know you..."

I thought, Is that caring in the abstract?


Like, if someone is anywhere near me and needs helps with something that doesn't take long, I automatically help when I'm out, well enough, can move without hurting myself. But as for coddling and hand-holding--I don't want it and I don't extend it.


And it's a burden to me, the expectations for returning phone calls and answering emails and all the rest. I don't mean "always" or that I don't ever want to receive or send messages or calls, because I do that now, but the constant phoning and "I talked to so-n-so, today" and all that?


Exasperating; I won't tolerate it.


Now, take "validating" coming from me?


I will in circumstances in which it's called for by my standards, and it isn't too often, so[...] made sure I could see her blog post yesterday; she knew I'd want an update, and I did. I also gave her advice from my experience as an employer; and yes, I gave validation. She earned it.


I don't care if someone "needs it", i.e. that isn't enough to get and sustain my attention, or elicit validation. I felt she had been suckered by her boss, mistreated, and didn't deserve it. I think she's growing, and working hard at it.

So validate that? Yes.


Otherwise, I'm not much for telling people they made or are making good decisions because I either don't know them or the situation well enough; don't have experience in the area they've been struggling with; or I think they're being manipulative and whiny, like that:

Zero fucks as someone calls it. In those cases, I really do not care.


And friendship?


I struggle with that word, a lot.


I don't need friends the way most others seem to; nor do I need or want what most would consider reasonable attention.


Phone calls? Hate 'em.
Text messaging? Don't do it.
Visit with people? One-on-one, rare instances, sure. *If I ever get more even-keeled concerning my diseases, and my Dharma practice bears enough fruit, I'll naturally have more to offer and room for receiving, and my standards will still be high.

My goal is not mediocrity or low-living.


I am on the hunt with whatever intelligence, energy, ability I have, and it's not for social networking or reassurance and fun.


I can't relate to those terms, except for "reassurance", but I don't get it, i.e. I don't internalize it when it's given to me.


I mean, it doesn't work for me when people "pray" for me; and say "flattering stuff"; especially when they blow smoke up my hiney.


Example of flattery:


Over in the Selfie Thread the amount of insincerity and attention seeking is intense and off-putting.


I recently posted photos of having cut my hair, then having to wait for the clippers to charge, and after that, I posted a couple of the buzz-cut.


There is nothing attractive about those photos, and I appreciate all those who said nothing in that thread about it, but damned if one person didn't come in and write, "Your eyes are intense."

(No comment about the sacrifice, which would seem more important), no, it was, Amazing! Spellbinding... and now, will you say something equally wow about my freaky photo?

Childish manipulation; who falls for that shit.



Let's face it: That thread is for attention whoring; mostly--though not all--young people PhotoShopping the begeezus out of the shots to the point that individual hairs on their own head and the bodies of their animals don't even show up.


And body parts? Shiny, smooth, no bone structure, for crimminy's sake; no freckling or blemishes of any kind, and sometimes blurred from poor editing.
Damned if at least one person, often several won't come in--sometimes out of political correctness and write, "Wow, you look so gorgeous!" And "that color on you, buy two more of those dresses!" And "Hot!"


*More eye rolling*


Who falls for that shit?

I mean, really, does the person setting up the best angle, editing their photos to death (I do mean "death", opposite of alive and "realistic"), and the ones with higher end skills to do PhotoShopping-Extraordinaire really need, believe and feel "validated" by the comments.


Rhetorical.


I don't know; I don't care except for this:


More and more, real people aging, being ill, not looking "naturally" model beautiful (models don't either; I know--I modeled) usually stay clear of that area altogether.


So once in a while I show up to send a message that most may not get:
Post a fucken photo to show others you exist; this is what you look like, generally, and it's OK that you have crow's feet and a cold sore starting to show, hint of a blackhead, lines on your neck, some extra fat around your waist because you're human; you are not as so many seem to be aiming for:


An automaton, and if you were, what's the point of posting the photos.


Rhetorical again.


==========================================================================================================

Sometimes "protest" needs to take a form; and in my case, from now on, as I can, in this spot and a few others still open to "honesty" I want to call bullshit when that's what it is; and further, make it clear:


Save the surface level drivel for someone else.


There are, apparently, plenty peeps willing to go to a lot of work to aim at your pleasure center for Holly and Bollywood-type imagery.


Me?


Yes, I got high standards for myself and for others.


I got room for all of us to be human, too... but aiming to please those who are living fantasies and helping others do the same?


Not my thing. Not my thing at all to cater to that, or have that aspect of my own psyche catered to.


I also make allowances for those of us seeking "the higher ground" to take a break because we need it, and taking a break doesn't mean looking, talking, photographing "fake" as though it were as satisfying as seeking what's true and real:


Temporal as it may be, because honeys (and I'm a honey too), we and it is all temporal but Eternity, which has a different meaning for me than "forever and ever, Amen."
 
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