Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 21 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,486 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
What do you think of this kind of friendship?

Do you think this is just a natural course for friendships?

Do you roll with it?
 
  • Like
Reactions: misstheground

·
Registered
Joined
·
354 Posts
Do you mean that your friends don't hang with you when they're dating someone? Why don't they just invite their SO along? That's what I and all the people I know do... Or do you mean it's like a female friend or something like that who is only interested in you when she's single? I don't hang with people who are like that, you shouldn't either. If someone only values you for that one thing that is not cool and there are plenty of people out there who want to be your friend because they actually value you as a person and enjoy your company.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,923 Posts
I find those people to be extremely annoying. It's like, you don't want to hang when you're dating somebody, so that leads me to assume that: A) You are interested in me, and you feel uncomfortable being around me because of that. Or that: B) Your SO is the jealous type that needs you to not speak to anyone in order to feel secure.

Fine, but when you get out of the relationship and then start hanging out with me, I don't know which one it was, so now I'm left wondering if you are trying to pursue a relationship with me, or are just being my friend. Either way, it doesn't matter to me, I just want to know so I can understand the relationship.
 

·
黐線 ~Chiseen~
Joined
·
5,240 Posts
I refuse to be anyones backup. That's just rude and a violation of the sacredness of time spending. Do you know how expensive time is? I clearly do not but that is besides the point.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,991 Posts
This is probably intentionally open ended and vague.
There is a chance for friendships to completely take off when one person or the other suddenly finds themselves with much more time on their hands and needs some sort of emotional support and/or mindless fun activity.

Most of my friends I've known before and after they were married. There is going to be a long period of time when you don't hear from them as much when they are blissfully in love, or tending to young children. Their world no longer revolves around keeping up with you and listening to all your problems. There is only so much time and energy one person has. Take the small pockets of time when someone whose company you enjoy is around a lot more and embrace it.

If it's someone who you are madly attracted to, get ready for some serious highs and lows. . .
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,798 Posts
tell them to fuck off and learn how to be friends with people cause they obviously suck at it

you are constantly in a relationship with everyone you know and if you decide to prioritize your SO thats fine, but if you drop all your contacts immediately then you are just being a fucked up INFJayyyyy
 

·
Maid of Time
Joined
·
14,749 Posts
Yeah, I was never big on the "oh, I'm dating someone, go play with someone else until I need you again" theory of friendship. Even when I'm dating, I insist on time with my friends and wouldn't date someone who demands all of my time. (I also expect my partner to have some friends and invest in those relationships.)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,561 Posts
Almost everyone I've ever known has done this. It takes an extreme amount of effort not to. When you're on the receiving end of it there is a sense of betrayal, but I've found solace in the knowledge that people simply want an intimate relationship almost at the exclusion of all else. It's not personal, but it is annoying. "Hey, welcome back! Thanks for ignoring me for X number of years!" I get it, but it does feel shitty.

On the other hand, if you're talking about someone you used to hook-up with coming back to you after a break-up that's completely different. I find that it can be a fun little reunion, but I'm never really that invested. It would take a lot more to get me back involved.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,798 Posts
Like, people are still under the assumption that your SO is somehow sooo special that they need their own private time away from your core group of friends (and they do to an extent), but hanging out with your SO and your friends is so much better anyway cause you don't have that awakard "hey lets meet my gf/bf guys what do you think of her honestly and dont hurt my feelings!" ritual.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
766 Posts
I don't see a problem with it. It's like me. "Now I'm tired of being by myself for this long, want to hang out?"

And being in a friend relationship I have a hart time getting jealous of that friends romantic relationship. Which is exactly what it sounds like - jealousy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,216 Posts
I think I am this kind of friend.
oops.

I'm a one-on-one kinda gal. I just happen to have a lot more time to hang out with friends one-on-one when I am single.

I actually don't even know at this point. I have been in this relationship too long and most of my friends have graduated or dropped out and moved away.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Ista

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,438 Posts
Yeah, I'm not one of those. It may be due to the distance between me and my SO, but I don't think I'd let it happen anyway. I wouldn't accept any "you hang out with your friends so much, you never have time for meeeee" because that relies on a bunch of stupid assumptions about how I value my time with people. No. Sorry.

I've had friends like this, although I'm typically not too close with these people anyway, so it's not been much of a problem.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,878 Posts
Which is exactly what it sounds like - jealousy.
... sounds more like scientology to me... or cult like behavior in general.

lacking a distinctive mating schedule... tends to blow the whole social possessiveness thing out of the water.... regardless how many daytime talkshows offer paternity testing.

and still they often don't invest nearly as much time in the pre mating / pairing rituals... so its often less building or reaffirming the foundation of the relationship rather than exhibitionism ... a show of following traditional roles and relationship conventions.

I'd be able to accept such separation more easily if they were boinking all the time... burning the proverbial candle at both ends but instead they're often playing house with less accuracy than prek children... and setting up their relationships for a bigger fall.

which will inevitably come to rest on the shoulders and ears of the friends they ditched only a moment before... with a same or greater expectation of blind loyalty and irrational support.

more playground politics... which for many of us seems to be a game of dodgeball and we aren't always (i.e. rarely) above stepping out of the way (or to be the one tossing it), allowing it to hit them squarely in the face and knocking 'em on squarely on their arse.

never mind the mess created when this takes place between two (or potentially more) of your friends breakup (in one sense or another)

sure the might be a tad bit of jealous, but that's normal, even healthy in a small degree... healthier than allowing someone's expectations for us, for our availability, to only exist on their terms because so many of us are ever so socially inept that we're dependent on the few people, connections, we've been able to maintain, that miraculously was able to reach the level of friendship and pry our loner heads from our collective arses to ever become something more than just an awkward acquaintance that merely exists because of an inescapable situation (work/school/foxhole/prison/etc) and has no one else to talk to... bloody social types.

Or something... to which I prefer just being a slut... bypassing social restrictions placed on friendships and relationships, a bit easier handling the nether bits than shaking someone's hand... far too intimate that is.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,469 Posts
It depends. I've found it only natural that people I know get in to relationships and tend to forget about everything else. If the person in the relationship actually tried to still be fun when I did hang out with them, I will leave off on the page they left me with. I don't think I'd really care assuming the person is worth spending time with in the first place. If not, it's a waste of my valuable time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,929 Posts
I think it's normal for people to drop away from their friends a bit while they're first dating someone. They're still in the enamored stage. It's amusing actually. I honestly wouldn't care if my friends did that, but then, I don't find it necessary to see my friends that much in the first place so.....
 
  • Like
Reactions: Ista

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,131 Posts
Friendships vacillate. It's okay. People are allowed to be super absorbed with a person for a while. It's cool.
I only get annoyed when the friend only ever comes to me in his/her crisis periods and is not available for mine.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
938 Posts
ALL of my friends have been this way, and I have always been the friend of convenience.... even now my closest and only friend (NTJ) at the moment probably doesn't know it, but I am that friend of convenience to her. If she started dating, our friendship would just become awkward, because I wouldn't want to hear her talk about her guy, of which she will. She will then have NO time for me because she is already a busy busy girl as it is.

But I understand it, and once she does do this to me, we will probably be done and over with for good, even if she broke up with the guy... it's just how the rules are. It will be done before she even breaks up, because I'll feel she is happy and in good hands, and never talk to her again. Does that make me a freak?

Even though I really value my friendship, we can communicate really well and I've never been able to have philosophical conversations with any other female friend... but I wouldn't mind (I would be sad, but it's not like I didn't expect it, and it's not like I'd feel like I deserved better) if she found other friends better than me and forgot about me; it would probably be for the best.

Something must be wrong with me... it's only the people I DON'T care about, respect, or value that I can still talk to even after they are in a relationship.
I think it has to do with principles maybe? I wouldn't talk about my SO if I was with a friend, I wouldn't treat my friends any different... maybe those whom I respect I expect the same values from... I could argue with myself all night, but that's just how it is folks, the psychology of it is still in question.
 
1 - 20 of 21 Posts
Top