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MOTM Nov 2010
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Discussion Starter #1
I need your help PerC.

So the man that broke my heart a year ago just texted me. He is the lawyer ex that I've posted about over and over. The one who chased me for 8 months then promised me the sun and the moon. We got together and then he took off and treated me cruelly after a baby scare.

We've maintained polite correspondence a couple of times throughout the year. However, recently (about 2 months ago) I wrote him that I was moving and I was going to be sad. Also that I was sick, whatever..... Anyway, this time he did not write me back. So I thought ""Whatever, I'm done with him anyway."

So now he just texted me and needs me on a professional level for something. It's a connection that probably only a couple of people can provide, but I'm sure I'm about the only person he knows to provide this connection. He is in a spot. It's pulling me..

ANYWAY. I hate him. He left me. I was too nice and let him flirt with me and stop me at a park while I was running in this past year. He would send me mixed signals for his own need to toy with me and still prove some sort of power. I have no idea why.

In addition, he didn't even text me back after I told him I was moving and that I was sick.

Now he wants something from me. I am twisted over being a "good person" and fucking feeling like he is just using me. He is 11 years older than me so I always feel like a little girl who is not behaving if I don't comply. I've had this stupid need to go out of this relationship with a clean slate, proving to him that I'm not some bitch that deserved to be treated the way he treated me. I don't know why I still care that he sees me as a good person.

I don't know why I feel like I am hurting him if I don't respond and give him what he wants. Look at all he has done to me.

Oh, I just remembered. He is a lawyer and I went through a LOT of court in the past year. And even when I was with him, he NEVER gave me any legal tips. I hated him for that too. It was always like something that he knew I needed but wouldn't provide.

Why can't I just get myself to text back "Sorry. Can't help you." But my ego wants him to know I could if I wanted because I do have power like that. Grrr...

Come on PerC people. Encourage me not to text back. Please knock some sense into me. This is hard for me. Really. I'm pretty certain the best way for me to feel empowered is to just not respond at all. I really need him out of my life once and for all. :frustrating:
 

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If you don't preserve yourself then how can you help anyone else. When I am faced with a struggle to help someone, because I am a good person, or walk away - I think of how much it could potentially damage me, and if it can bad enough then I'm no good to anyone else at all while I take a hit and wallow in depression over it for weeks. Not worth it. Sounds like he will just prey on people. What would you gain by helping to elevate such a person.
 

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MOTM Nov 2010
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Discussion Starter #4
Hold that thought



While texting him " Sorry, I do not want to help you any longer" instead.
You can help him, just do not want to.
Wow. Thank you. That's good. Completely out of character for me, but it's good. I want to be that person.

But he will think I'm a bitch. Dammit. I wish that part in my brain would shut up. I need some sort of mantra to hold onto in order to do that "It's okay for him to hate me...It's okay for him to hate me...." Argh. I hate feeling like I'm "being bad". I know it's not logical.
 

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There is a difference between being kind and being a doormat.
We got together and then he took off and treated me cruelly after a baby scare.
That's a test of character. He failed. Consider what he would have done to his kid. You can do a lot of cruel things to him and still be on a moral Mount Everest.

If a person were to pull that on me (if I were female), I'd fucking destroy him. Not texting back. Ha. As long as he has his balls attached to his body, you are not a bitch.
 

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MOTM Nov 2010
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Discussion Starter #9
If you don't preserve yourself then how can you help anyone else. When I am faced with a struggle to help someone, because I am a good person, or walk away - I think of how much it could potentially damage me, and if it can bad enough then I'm no good to anyone else at all while I take a hit and wallow in depression over it for weeks. Not worth it. Sounds like he will just prey on people. What would you gain by helping to elevate such a person.
You're right. I only have my esteem being dragged through more mud to gain. I'm just now at the point of wanting to release serious anger.

I see my habitual way of over stepping my anger is to do an opposite action. I hate him, so I must help him. If I hate, there is something wrong with me. It's bad to harbor anger in my heart. Wow. You can take the girl out of the church, but there is still an awful lot of church left in the girl. I'm still trying to "love my enemy". That was the worse advice I've ever been given. It has caused me to overlook my anger for years. It has caused me to not protect myself like I should. I have a girlfriend who told me, "It's always good to hang on to just a bit of anger. Out of self preservation."

I am so overwhelmed with anger right now, I don't know what to do with it. I suppose I could scream at him via text. But I can foresee it continuing the correspondence and him somehow making me feel ridiculous and I'd end up apologizing for my behavior. He has done so much to me I can't keep it inside anymore.

I'm not going to respond. I'm taking his number out of my phone. At this point I don't give a shit if I ever see him again.

Always glad to help !



He will rather think "Damn, I can no longer use her! How do I get her back?!"
Ew. No. I wouldn't trust him in the least. The man dumped me by text while he left me in a parking lot the day after I had surgery. I could never trust someone like that again. It is okay for him to hate me and think I'm a bitch. I don't want him to come back in.


It's not indeed, how the hell is it possible to be like this, silly ENFP's :p
Hahaha. It may not be just the ENFP. It could be just me. Or perhaps it's 6w7-2w3-9w8? God knows....
 

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I see my habitual way of over stepping my anger is to do an opposite action. I hate him, so I must help him. If I hate, there is something wrong with me. It's bad to harbor anger in my heart. Wow. You can take the girl out of the church, but there is still an awful lot of church left in the girl. I'm still trying to "love my enemy". That was the worse advice I've ever been given. It has caused me to overlook my anger for years. It has caused me to not protect myself like I should. I have a girlfriend who told me, "It's always good to hang on to just a bit of anger. Out of self preservation."
It's a good idea to love your enemy, if you can do it. Just make sure they are not in your life. I really do wish all my exes all the best, even though I never, ever, ever want to meet them again.
 

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MOTM Nov 2010
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Discussion Starter #11
It's a good idea to love your enemy, if you can do it. Just make sure they are not in your life. I really do wish all my exes all the best, even though I never, ever, ever want to meet them again.
Well I have a tendency to get to the forgiveness part a bit too fast. And right now, I don't want the best for him. I feel actually nothing. He has never learned his lesson and he has never apologized. I mean seriously, the man has been divorced 3 times and ran out on a 4th woman he lived with. Yet he still thinks it was all of his ex's fault. I'm sure by now I'm the "problem" too. Despite trying not to be.

Right now I could care less if all his walls came crashing down and he was left with nothing but himself. I don't have to love him. Even from afar. He's a bad egg.
 

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Ahh self-righteousness! I'm the person to talk about this. He seems like an asshole and you do not deserve what you got from him. I am happy that you can be so calm about this, but really, say NO. NO I DON'T WANT TO. Period.
 

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Sounds like he doesn't deserve your help at all. Doing so would just reinforce his negative behavior. Some people seem to never learn there lesson since they are always right regardless of what logic dictates.
 

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Just ignore the guy.

I've had this stupid need to go out of this relationship with a clean slate, proving to him that I'm not some bitch that deserved to be treated the way he treated me. I don't know why I still care that he sees me as a good person.
Don't even give a rat's ass about this. Your life is not entirely defined by your past so what he thinks doesn't matter. What matters is how you are going to live your life well. You don't have to prove anything to him, being fuelled by that kind of want would only give him the power that he wants.

If you reject his need for help, you would not be mean. You'd just be standing up for yourself, and that is a value that is necessary when you need it.
 

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Don't text back. Let him wonder. Maybe if he grovels? Still don't text :D
 

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Pink, you know I love you. Anything and everything I say will be out of love.

Its been a year since you two broke up. You say you get to the "forgive" part very quickly, but do you? Have you gotten there with him yet? From the looks of it, you haven't. It's perfectly fine if you don't want to be best friends with this guy - he is an ex for a reason, and you shouldn't have to get close with somebody who will potentially hurt you again; however, I believe that, no matter what a person has done, you should always reach out and lend a helping hand.

You said that he has been sending you mixed signals, and maybe he has... but the only way he could have been doing this is if you were allowing it to happen. I guess I just don't understand, because I have ex's and old flings (even those who fucked me over pretty badly) come around and try to see if they can't still "toy" with me, or "catch" me. The way I see it though, they're all in the past. There's no way they can toy with me or fuck me over again because my mentality is set in future and present mode, not past mode. The only way a person can seriously fuck you over and cause you anymore drama is if you, personally, still have some sort of feelings (whether they be positive or negative) built up for them.

He did you shitty, yes. I understand how you may not want to be nice to him and help him after all he has caused, and I don't blame you. But that really isn't what you should do. I believe in being kind to all. We all take some time to get over painful experiences, and I don't think you've completely gotten over yours yet.

If I were in your situation, I would help him. It's strictly a professional matter, and I'm positive that I'd be able to keep it at a professional level. But do you think you'd be able to keep it strictly professional? If not (and I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude or anything, just honest... I really don't think you're ready to keep things strictly professional), then stay away. You don't need anymore drama in your life right now. But I really think you should let go of the past. It's not healthy to hold grudges on people. We all make mistakes, we all learn from our mistakes.

For right now, don't reply to him. I really wish you could help this guy - simply because I believe helping others, no matter what they've done, is one of the most important things in life; however, I don't want to see you hurt anymore, so just don't reply to him. The day you can wake up and tell yourself, "You know what, I truly and sincerely wish Mr. Lawyer the best, and I no longer hate him for what he did to me. And if I ran into him today, it wouldn't matter, because he is the past, and I'm focusing on who I am today, and who I will be tomorrow - not who I was yesterday!" then that's the day I will smile and say, "you go girl! Now you can help him and keep it all professional, if you want. And if you don't, that's fine too, because at least you no longer have built up anger and hatred towards somebody for their past mistakes." :happy:
 

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Do not respond. I am really good at manipulating people and all you need is a toehold to start, do not give him that. Even if he acts sorry or like he wants you back. He has had a year to figure it out. If you are worried he really does want to get back together(my sibs are like that) wait until this favor is no longer part of the equation. I really would just cut him off for good.
 

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You tell that SOB to piss off and GFH.

Don't respond. Not knowing and presuming you don't care will hurt him more.

Why would you care if he thinks you're a bitch? Or, put another way, why do you care what anyone thinks about you if you know the truth about yourself? Maybe I'm speaking too much as an NTJ on this, but if someone were to do to me, what you describe in your opening post, they'd be dead to me and summarily ignored forever, unless I decided to extract revenge upon them for some lulz at a future time.

Now, if that doesn't convince you, maybe this will.

I realize you don't know me from Adam's housecat, but if you do it, I'll lose respect for you.

(LOL, I know that must mean SOOOOO much to you, right? Heh, it's about the only way I know to appeal to the F side of people... blatant attempts at making them feel guilt. :crazy:)
 

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One way to move on is to change your mindset. Become far more independent than you even were in the past, and be firm with yourself that you won't let rats think they can toy around with you or manipulate you just to satisfy their agendas or egos.

At least that's how I see it. Take it from someone who's been there :happy:

Added: It does not make you a bad person, as long as you do not go to the extreme and as long as it is justified. In fact I'd even go far enough to say that the next time a person who manipulated you badly asked for help, just laugh in his face.
 

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hmm well, i think as long as u keep reminding urself WHY you shouldnt help him ull be fine. he didnt respond to ur text, so why should u reply him when hes only tryin to contact u to get something from u.

i think u just need a little self control and not give in, even if he really needs the help. someone who treated u like that does NOT deserve ur help, or any of ur attention/care. if u ever feel like u have to help or text back just remind urself of why u shouldnt.

im sure u can do it!
 
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