[bloomingdepths]

UPDATE: I'm really grateful for everyone's advice! It was very helpful for us and we actually had fun reading through everyone's feedback. I really appreciate it. I think we both know what we need to work on and he's happy to feel more understood, as well as, motivated to make healthier decisions with his time. The beginning of my post wasn't really meant to be taken super seriously, I just often insert a lot of my own type of humor and sarcasm in my writing hehe. Thanks again everyone! You guys are awesome!

My Spouse and I are so opposite! :

I spend my time researching and learning new things
He spends his time watching tv and playing Clash of the Clans

I listen to Underoath
He listens to "That's where I first saw Mary, on the roadside pickin black berries

I walk out looking classy
He walks out with a Marvel T-shirt and jeans

I want to want to be attracted to him
His sexual communication is playful and goofy

I want to have a meaningful conversation
He wants to debate and pick apart everything I'm saying

The only common ground we have is that we are Christian, vegetarians and we both love humor. This is not how we started!?

My spouse ( I think he's an ENTx) is a very hardworking and loyal guy but he is clueless when it comes to romance or being passionate. He is just a really care-free, goofy guy and in the last year he spends most of his time watching TV and playing video games.

He's constantly 'teasing' me because he thinks my reactions are cute but he just doesn't seem to understand that it actually stresses me out. I think he's an ENTP because his nature is to play devil's advocate and his communication is constantly full of combative wordplay... THIS IS SO STRESSFUL FOR ME!
We have a very playful relationship but it's more platonic than anything sexual and we both seem (for the most part) to just be comfortable like this.

I keep trying to explain to him that I think sexual intimacy is really important, especially since both of us are so young (I'm 25 and he's 28). I keep trying to convey this to him because I find it unsettling that I have no sexual attraction to him at all. I am completely numb and pretty much asexual. I know that it's because I need a real passionate and emotional connection to him but we just completely clash in that area.

He doesn't understand that I need deep and intellectual conversation with him to be attracted to him. Not only that but sex makes me feel so vulnerable that it's uncomfortable for me and I can't get him to understand how it's almost like a sacrifice for me to be that vulnerable with him. I've tried to think of his needs and just bite the bullet but it's a horrible experience for me and he gets upset that I'm not into it. I've told him like a broken record, "If you want to have a sexual relationship with me you have to emotionally nourish me." He is so oblivious that it seems like he can't even think to try. I can't watch him play video games all day (and handle his combative communication) and then just magically feel like I want to jump him!

I'm such a passionate person and it makes no sense that I can't bring that into my most important relationship. I've explained SO MANY TIMES to him what needs need to be filled for me to be intimate with him and he just never puts any initiative into it. I never expected our personalities to clash this bad or that I would feel this numb and unsatisfied.

It's not just about fulfilling my needs though, it's just so upsetting to see someone so content without any passion in their life...
In the last year this is his life: He wakes up and plays games on his phone, on his way to work, during his break, on his way home...every time I walk into the room he's playing a game on his phone. I don't understand how someone can live like that, wasting so much time on a momentary pleasure when there are real relationships right in front of them. He says that it's because he's depressed that he doesn't have a social life so he's trying to fill the void. Every time we fight about it he will break down and cry and say that he knows that he's not living life but he just wakes up the next day without anymore motivation than he had the day before.

So, I've just been living life as a passionate human cohabiting with the complete opposite sort of person. I want to share my passions with him but he is just so unmoved by anything that doesn't involve a tv.
For the most part I just go through our life accepting that this is what he wants to do to avoid conflict but sometimes it's just so upsetting to be 25 and hear about the adventures my friends are having with their significant others, or their passionate sex lives and I am just like, " ????? DAFUQ DO I DOoooo?????"

-Fed Up and Unsatisfied INFJ

 

[Copper North]

I'm still trying to come up with anything helpful that will qualify as good advice for what you're going through.

I feel really bad that this is going around and around in circles for you, and that you get 20 posts of worthwhile advice in the course of the afternoon to help.

Most of the time, with relationship advice, I feel way, way out of my depth, so I'll spend eons trying to say something meaningful, and then not sure it was worth posting.

I hope all of this turns back around again quickly. :happy:

 

[Metalize]

There's no gentle way to put it; it's the wrong person.

 

[Risper]

He says that it's because he's depressed that he doesn't have a social life so he's trying to fill the void. Every time we fight about it he will break down and cry and say that he knows that he's not living life but he just wakes up the next day without anymore motivation than he had the day before.

This is the key to the issue. Nothing else can be worked on until his depression or lack of motivation is fixed. Fix the underlying issue and then work on the other issues.

How you fix that depends on what is causing it. It could be a genetic issue, a lack of accomplishment in life, or a bad diet catching up to him.

 

[AuroraB]

I understand this must be really difficult and frustrating to not feel sexually attracted and connected to your spouse. Here are my thoughts:

- You say he's a hardworking, loyal guy. To me these are two incredible qualities in a spouse, yet you place those before a "but"... My suggestion there would to maybe focus on the things you do love about him. There must be things about him that you find good, make a list if you need to.

- You wrote that you told him many times that if he wants a sexual relationship with you he needs to emotionally nourish you.
If he is a goofy guy that doesn't understand romance the way you do, what can he do with that information? He may very well be clueless to what emotionally nourish means to you. Perhaps he tried to do it but it's not what you were needing. I think communication is very important, and clearly defining what you need from him can increase your intimacy and fulfill both of your needs.
I also think that a sexual relationship is already implied and agreed upon when you say "I do". Just from my perspective, if my husband told me I needed to do certain things to get to have a sexual relationship with him I would be hurt. I agree that in order to connect there needs to be substance and emotion, but isn't that kind of part of being married? It needs to be worked on, and fire needs to keep breathed into it to keep it alive, but it takes two. It can't be just one person having to "earn" that aspect of the relationship.

- You sound like a very compassionate person so why not instead of talking to him about this aspect that makes him break down, go out and do something together? If he likes video games, there are groups you can find of guys who get together once in a while and play together, it's a good way to cultivate healthy friendships. Perhaps conversation doesn't inspire him the way it does you, but if you went out and did something fun, it would spark some life into him and make him more available for the kind of intimate conversation you need.

As for other people's adventures, you never know what goes on in people's marriage when they are alone together. Comparing is not healthy. Create your own adventures with the man you chose to be with for life. You got married for a reason, what was that? I bet it's still the same reason you love this man.

I am sorry if it came off harsh, I just think that when we think about our emotional needs and passions from own perspective, we tend to lose sight of the fact the other person probably just doesn't know what we need because they love differently than we do, but it hardly means they love less. That's one of the reasons talking about what you need in clear terms is important.

 

[bloomingdepths]

@Copper North
Thank you for your positive thoughts
@Metasentient
I think this everyday and the thing is that it wasn't like this when we were initially together. I was previously in a really abusive relationship and I think I subconsciously fell in love with someone new that I considered safe. It feels like I either get passion with 3rd degree burns OR no passion at all with a bonus: I get to keep my sanity.
@Risper
Thank you for your advice. I just recently spent time with his parents for the first time (I met them on our wedding day and then recently met up with them for a day trip in Montreal). I was completely mortified by their behavior (he was shocked because he hasn't spent any time with them in years)! It made me see where a lot of his depression and motivation issues are coming from. Thankfully, he left home at 17 to go to Ministry School and is nothing like them but I can see how it could be a genetic thing. His parents live to gamble and play Bingo. They are some of the rudest and insensitive people I've ever met strictly because they are oblivious to the needs of the people around them. They are like grown-up children, just getting by in life, and getting whatever they can from other people. My husband didn't spend a lot of time with them growing up because they were never home, his sisters raised him...but I was shocked my how many underlying similarities I saw between him and his parents.

 

[StElmosDream]

@bloomingdepths
Aside from the obvious fact that you married them, but seem to (at least for now) have nothing in common what is actually preventing your husband from getting therapy and working through what seems like addictive game play?
It also sounds like technology has become a crutch to avoid confronting unspoken issues (I might be tempted to mutually agree at least 1-4 hours a day allocated as no technology times to just read, talk or pause), in place of doing more than sharing a space as 'married roommates' i.e. you left feeling more than a friend or childminder rather than a wife.

As you note loss of intimacy is often a side effect of broader issues needing immediate action.

 

[NomadLeviathan]

@bloomingdepths
Aside from the obvious fact that you married them, but seem to (at least for now) have nothing in common what is actually preventing your husband from getting therapy and working through what seems like addictive game play?
It also sounds like technology has become a crutch to avoid confronting unspoken issues (I might be tempted to mutually agree at least 1-4 hours a day allocated as no technology times to just read, talk or pause), in place of doing more than sharing a space as 'married roommates' i.e. you left feeling more than a friend or childminder rather than a wife.

As you note loss of intimacy is often a side effect of broader issues needing immediate action.

Well said.

 

[Antipode]

The easy part is knowing the issue: Counseling.

The hard part is knowing how to do it.

You're not really focused on him. You're focused on your desires, and because he isn't giving it, it's making you mad. This is natural. You feel like he doesn't love you enough to change, but you can't take that personally. You have to support him and push him in the direction of counseling. Sit him down and talk about it.

---

Listen, I have trust and abandonment issues. I spent my childhood with my father constantly visiting and leaving, leaving me in tears each night, and molested in 6th grade and just a bunch of other smaller things that added up to very small things making me feel abandoned. My lover can spend a little extra time with his friends and I end up feeling neglected and forgotten.

These issues were causing a problem in our relationship. He suggested counseling; my initial reaction inside was, "How dare him put this all on me."

But he wasn't. He was supporting me and telling me he would make efforts to make sure I felt loved, and I would do my part and get some help for the crap I went through.

Depending on your personalities the conversation might cause a fight, but if he loves you, he will reach a point where he will go to counseling. Even if it takes a few days for it to sink in his mind.

 

[bloomingdepths]

You all give such amazing advice and insight. I'm really grateful! We sat down and had a really good conversation. I explained to him that it's okay to like video games and spend time playing them but not with all of his free time. He knows that he's not moving forward but he hasn't even given himself time to think because he uses all of his extra energy to play games. He really was not like this a year or two ago and hopefully he will be able to get out of this rut.

It really came down to us both agreeing that we need to be a part of our church family again. That's how we met and he's spent his whole life in church but since we've been married we've just floating around because he works Sundays and I'm often not feeling well. He feels like this is why he's depressed because he said 90% of his socialization came from church before and now he just feels depressed and is filling the void with video games. I can understand how important it is for him and am happy to go back to that with him (even though, to be honest I'd rather be a hermit and watch church from home and avoid all peoples).

 

[54-46 ThatsMyNumber]

This is YOUR life, you deserve to be happy and feel fulfilled, (I'm sure you already have) but lay it on the line, put it all out there, even use the D word if you have to, tell him what you told use, even show him this post and the responses. I understand. What you need, I am a straight infp male which pretty much makes me a woman in a man's body, I need to be loved, hugged, and cuddled with, I need to be told and shown I'm wanted I couldn't be with someone unless they felt the same way, I also think long lasting meaningful relationships are great but marriage is outdated, unnatural and unnecessary, if 51% of all marriages end in divorce how many of the remaining 49% are completely happy and fulfilled in their marriage , maybe 25% at best. Men think women won't change, women think men will, in the end you deserve to live a life where you are happy, appreciated and loved in the way you seem fit. You are young and have your whole life in front of you, trust your heart, trust your gut. I hope he wakes up and realizes how lucky he is.

 

[AuroraB]

This is YOUR life, you deserve to be happy and feel fulfilled, (I'm sure you already have) but lay it on the line, put it all out there, even use the D word if you have to, tell him what you told use, even show him this post and the responses. I understand. What you need, I am a straight infp male which pretty much makes me a woman in a man's body, I need to be loved, hugged, and cuddled with, I need to be told and shown I'm wanted I couldn't be with someone unless they felt the same way, I also think long lasting meaningful relationships are great but marriage is outdated, unnatural and unnecessary, if 51% of all marriages end in divorce how many of the remaining 49% are completely happy and fulfilled in their marriage , maybe 25% at best. Men think women won't change, women think men will, in the end you deserve to live a life where you are happy, appreciated and loved in the way you seem fit. You are young and have your whole life in front of you, trust your heart, trust your gut. I hope he wakes up and realizes how lucky he is.

Sorry but this has got to be one of the most irresponsible things to advise a married person. Using the "D" word is very damaging, and you should not bring it up unless you are actually going to do it, and if that's what you are doing, well that's a whole other discussion. But using it as a scare tactic or to make a point is trust breaking and manipulative.

The 50% divorce rate is a myth. It originated from a 1981 did a survey that shows 2.4 million marriages and 1.2 million divorces. But almost none of the divorces were of people who were married that year, and it didn't take into account the existing 50+ million marriages that already existed, almost none of which ended in divorce. The divorce rate is actually decreasing.

 

[C3bBb]

Sorry but this has got to be one of the most irresponsible things to advise a married person. Using the "D" word is very damaging, and you should not bring it up unless you are actually going to do it, and if that's what you are doing, well that's a whole other discussion. But using it as a scare tactic or to make a point is trust breaking and manipulative.

The 50% divorce rate is a myth. It originated from a 1981 did a survey that shows 2.4 million marriages and 1.2 million divorces. But almost none of the divorces were of people who were married that year, and it didn't take into account the existing 50+ million marriages that already existed, almost none of which ended in divorce. The divorce rate is actually decreasing.

Perhaps also because the marriage rate is decreasing?

 

[bloomingdepths]

Men think women won't change, women think men will, in the end you deserve to live a life where you are happy, appreciated and loved in the way you seem fit. You are young and have your whole life in front of you, trust your heart, trust your gut. I hope he wakes up and realizes how lucky he is.

Thank you! We are actually both extremely dependent on each other, so divorce would never be an option for us as fed up as I am. He’s not abusive to me at all and he takes care of all my needs…but just not emotionally or intimacy wise. I think we’d both just sooner live miserable together as long as it takes before we work it out.

I met him when he was 24 and he was a virgin until me and I think he just really doesn’t understand intimacy and plus obviously our personalities clash BIG TIME.

I understand your views on marriage, I was actually really freaked out about getting married because I've seen it fail time and time again. I got cold feet and felt trapped but I really do love him and I don't regret my decision. It’s just figuring out how to process what is happening and figure out why I feel the way I feel and why he’s not motivated to help me fix it.

I just feel so stuck with him sometimes and our personality differences make me wonder if I picked the right person. The thing I constantly remind myself is that I’ve been in so many relationships where the man was abusive and cheated and now I’m safe, with someone who really loves me (he just doesn’t know how to show it in the way that makes me feel valued).

After today I have new hope about it though…I really took a lot from everyone’s advice and he did read the posts and we talked about it. It really helped! Super thankful!

 

[g_w]

Thank you! We are actually both extremely dependent on each other, so divorce would never be an option for us as fed up as I am. He’s not abusive to me at all and he takes care of all my needs…but just not emotionally or intimacy wise. I think we’d both just sooner live miserable together as long as it takes before we work it out.

I met him when he was 24 and he was a virgin until me and I think he just really doesn’t understand intimacy and plus obviously our personalities clash BIG TIME.

I understand your views on marriage, I was actually really freaked out about getting married because I've seen it fail time and time again. I got cold feet and felt trapped but I really do love him and I don't regret my decision. It’s just figuring out how to process what is happening and figure out why I feel the way I feel and why he’s not motivated to help me fix it.

I just feel so stuck with him sometimes and our personality differences make me wonder if I picked the right person. The thing I constantly remind myself is that I’ve been in so many relationships where the man was abusive and cheated and now I’m safe, with someone who really loves me (he just doesn’t know how to show it in the way that makes me feel valued).

After today I have new hope about it though…I really took a lot from everyone’s advice and he did read the posts and we talked about it. It really helped! Super thankful!

Do you mind if I send you a Private Email with a couple of questions...about *him*...?
(Just INTJ fix-it-ness; and I've been married long enough to gain some perspective, perhaps. )

 

[AuroraB]

Perhaps also because the marriage rate is decreasing?

Yes, that may be a contributing factor, but does not solely account for it.

 

[InsanityRemix]

This is the key to the issue. Nothing else can be worked on until his depression or lack of motivation is fixed. Fix the underlying issue and then work on the other issues.

How you fix that depends on what is causing it. It could be a genetic issue, a lack of accomplishment in life, or a bad diet catching up to him.

Underrated post. Especially the GENETIC part and the DIET part.

Emotions are meant to flow. If there is no flow something is blocking it, meaning if he can't sort things out and be on with it then therapy may be needed and, if that doesn't help, genes and the diet are the next step. DON'T GO DRUGGING HIM WITH HAPPY PILLS! It doesn't solve any issues. Supplements and good dieting will work. After all, you did marry him for a reason. If none of that ends up happening then he is the wrong person.

Source: My family as well as myself. My parents and brother are all screwed up from years of a shitty diet plus an assload of stress that is internalized. They're just starting to fix that. I was a bit of a trial run due to anxiety/depression, saw a naturepath, and was given a ton of supplements to not only improve my mood but also lower my blood pressure. It worked, and now over the summer I worked 2 jobs, got a new car and am ahead on payments, and made friends instead of sitting and gaming.

 

[Risper]

Source: My family as well as myself. My parents and brother are all screwed up from years of a shitty diet plus an assload of stress that is internalized. They're just starting to fix that. I was a bit of a trial run due to anxiety/depression, saw a naturepath, and was given a ton of supplements to not only improve my mood but also lower my blood pressure. It worked, and now over the summer I worked 2 jobs, got a new car and am ahead on payments, and made friends instead of sitting and gaming.

I have a similar experience, found out a few months ago that my body was resistant to the hormone insulin. Terns out having high insulin causes your body to try to conserve energy, and drivers you to eat more. Having low energy caused me to watch TV, and play video games a lot, because it takes very little energy to do, and gives you a little sense of accomplishment, when it is really is a false sense of accomplishment.

I went on a controversial diet some months ago that kind of fixes the insulin issue, and now I have energy, feel great, and I am a lot more active then I use to be. I still play video games, but that is more because my friends are lazy and I can't get them to do anything, so I play some when I am really bored.

Don't underestimate the impact that diet has on you.

 

[54-46 ThatsMyNumber]

Sorry but this has got to be one of the most irresponsible things to advise a married person. Using the "D" word is very damaging, and you should not bring it up unless you are actually going to do it, and if that's what you are doing, well that's a whole other discussion. But using it as a scare tactic or to make a point is trust breaking and manipulative.

The 50% divorce rate is a myth. It originated from a 1981 did a survey that shows 2.4 million marriages and 1.2 million divorces. But almost none of the divorces were of people who were married that year, and it didn't take into account the existing 50+ million marriages that already existed, almost none of which ended in divorce. The divorce rate is actually decreasing.

Nice try, might work with an unaware person living in the matrix.

 

[AuroraB]

Nice try, might work with an unaware person living in the matrix.