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Hello. First of all, nice to meet you everyone. This seems to be my first post here, but actually I have been lurking here since about 1 year, and this is my first time to have courage and register in this site and actually post something. Forgive my English if it's bad, but I hope you can still understand what I was trying to say. :unsure:

The reason why I found this forum is when I tried to find the self help. So for a background story, basically I was being bullied by my co-workers. First time when I was in another division, everything seems fine and everyone is kind to me. This was the ideal situation and I was very happy and satisfied with it, even I have a pretty low pay, but with cooperation and kindness of everyone, I feel happy doing my job. Then because of some circumtances, I'm being moved to another division and everything started to fell apart. I noticed even after one month moved to there. There are group of girls collagues in my new division who loves to gossip. At first the victim was this one person senior at that division but that person is kind of loner but pretty fashionable and stuff. They will always try to find fault in her style of clothes which in my opinion is pretty and cute but maybe because her age is already about 40 years old, they find her style is just not suitable with her age, but like I stated I actually think she's fashionable.

Then she resigned because found new job, they turned against me. Actually for the first 3 months I always going to lunch with them, even I try to join, I cannot really join in their conversation and become the silent one, since all they talk about are the fault of others (gossip) which I don't really like but I don't have much choice since I hate being called the arrogant and all the members of this group is my division, if I don't join them then I'm the only one left out (my new division is only contained 5 people). But they still ask me and stuff maybe because I always try to be helpful and help them with many things related to work (I love to be helpful to people anyway).

Then after a while she resigned, they begin to exclude me (ignore me in lunch, don't invite me in meeting, etc) and my intuitive side actually ring an alarm bell that they were actually talking behind my back. And the peak of this situation when one day I found all of them were really whispering when I came they became quiet, and one day after I found out that one of those girl (I think she's ESTJ and leader of that group) actually copied all my private short message in my handphone (which I perhaps left out when I went to toilet) and spread them around everyone to gossiped about! I found out since I set my handphone setting to be saved in memory card and I found that she copied them and send them to her number!

Actually what I was upset about is not the content of those messages, but I so upset that there're people who are actually intruse in private messages in someone's private phone just to have something to gossip!

Soon after I tried to separate myself from this group! And going with my friends in another division instead...I feel a little better. But this is one year after this incident, I still feel the hurt as if this happened just yesterday and it's not help that I always have to meet them and sometimes need to cooperate with them with things related to work...
I always obsess over that hurt and actually almost always crying in my way home ....

I know it's not good to obsess over the hurt, but since my trust is being betrayed, I cannot help, I always fantasize about revenge and stuff (but again I usually fantasize a lot, about my relationship with friends and others, maybe because I'm INFP).

Do you think INFP cannot really forget the hurt, what should I do....?

Sorry for the long post....Maybe it's boring to read this....
 

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Hey Henrietta, I'm glad you joined the INFP forums :proud:

I can relate to what you're saying soo much. I may not have an answer to your situation, but I can say I'm going through a similar hurt. I was bullied when I was in high school and I still shudder when I think about those days despite the fact that already a few years have passed. I get these terrible reoccurring nightmares as well that, like a flashback, take me right back into those unpleasant memories.. I don't know if this is an "INFP thing", maybe it's just that feeling of betrayal, you know? Sorry I don't have much of a solution for you on how to deal with these co-workers. If I were in your shoes however, I would just try to distance myself from them as much as possible. The pain will fade in time, that much I learned.
 

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Hi Henrietta, welcome to the forums! =)

I must start out by saying that I completely understand where you are coming from having been bullied all throughout my life by people. Its only natural for you to feel hurt and betrayed and to be quite honest what they did to you was quite disturbing.

The thing is in life there are some who are disgusting excuses for human beings. We come across them in many places. What one must remember is that we shouldn't make excuses for them, if they treat us and the people around them badly we should stand our ground. I know for a fact that INFP are more than a little forgiving but at a certain point enough is enough. It's good that you changed your environment and moved on from there.

As far as the still existing hurt, I guess in a way its always there but you have the power to let it effect you or not. Deep down you might want to scream into their face telling them just how much they hurt you, but usually the sick and twisted people who hurt people enjoy it when they know they can effect people like that.

So as far as advice goes I would recommend to take the high road. When you have to deal with these people consider them for who they really are. Do your job to the best of your abilities but don't let their actions effect you. Don't treat them as equals either do your job but don't try and still make friends with them, you deserve so much better.
 

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I don't think anyone can really forget hurtful experiences anyways xD Maybe there's a place in our heart where all that pain is stored and the instant we unlock that part, we become super vulnerable. It's even harder to forget if those experiences have had a very heavy impact on you.

It's okay though, sometimes we just need to keep remembering the pain and cry to let that inner pressure get relieved, at least just a little. Eventually, we realize all that hurting did us some good because after painful experiences, we start to notice and appreciate little gestures that go against what we've "learnt" from those experiences, and we start getting little peppers of hope. It might actually be easier to be hopeful after these experiences xD After all, if you're in a room flooded with light, it's hard to pinpoint the source of light, whereas it's a lot easier to do if you're in a dark room and there's just one circle of light in the room.

When you start thinking about revenge, just remember: You'll only end up being like them. It's the bullying cycle! When people get bullied they either try to prove their worth by bullying others, or try to get revenge on their bullies. It's hard to not be malicious when you do either. And that sucks. But see, having hurt so much over this, you'd know how sucky it is that many people face bullying in their lives. Why not be that person who shows them hope?

You're better than them, and you know it! :D If you have to work with them or something, just try to treat them as you would with other colleagues. Show them that you can be professional and that you're not mean like they are, maybe they'll even feel bad! xD

What I'm trying to say is, your life is YOUR life. It sounds selfish, but it's true - Your life is about YOU, not them. Ultimately you don't want to cause them demise, revenge only brings people down. Focus on yourself instead, on making yourself happier and getting past the past xD (Hah! See what I did there?!) In the end, those bullies are only obstacles - Obstacles which you can definitely overcome! :D
 

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Do you think INFP cannot really forget the hurt, what should I do....?

Sorry for the long post....Maybe it's boring to read this....
As an INFJ I often seek to increase my own self awareness by questioning group issues versus my own sense of self, researching social dynamics in books and articles to better understand the people and seeking to become more assertive in setting boundaries (if necessary being more professional, taking alone time in breaks and seeking more positions of responsibility within a situation)... I can suggest interesting book titles if you wish.
 

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Hi! Welcome to our humble forums. I hope you enjoy your stay, since you say you've already been lurking.

I don't have a lot to add...to be honest while I have experienced what you describe I can't really relate my own experience to yours. It's more complicated for me, shall we say...so I'll just try to analyse this logically.

I would think that hurt and pain remains on the surface (and therefore can become a target of obsession) primarily when whatever it is that caused the hurt is still in close proximity. If you still encounter those people on a daily basis you're going to be reminded of the hurt on a daily basis. Makes sense, right?
I realise this may be impractical advice for you but the best way to avoid obsession with the hurt is to move to a place where you are no longer constantly reminded of it.

Personally I don't think I ever truly forget who has hurt me or why. However, I can get it to the back of my mind and forget about it on a day-to-day basis, until it no longer is a problem. Sometimes, I might not be able to do that, but I might be able to forgive and move on without it constantly troubling me. I'm not sure about that last point, though, it's never happened.

It might be worth remembering that stealing text messages is taking information without consent. It's theft. I don't know what country you're in but I would expect it to be illegal. Sharing that information with others may in itself also be illegal. If you find her doing anything of the sort again...well, it's worth bearing in mind.
 

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.........

Then after a while she resigned, they begin to exclude me (ignore me in lunch, don't invite me in meeting, etc) and my intuitive side actually ring an alarm bell that they were actually talking behind my back. And the peak of this situation when one day I found all of them were really whispering when I came they became quiet, and one day after I found out that one of those girl (I think she's ESTJ and leader of that group) actually copied all my private short message in my handphone (which I perhaps left out when I went to toilet) and spread them around everyone to gossiped about! I found out since I set my handphone setting to be saved in memory card and I found that she copied them and send them to her number!

Actually what I was upset about is not the content of those messages, but I so upset that there're people who are actually intruse in private messages in someone's private phone just to have something to gossip!

Soon after I tried to separate myself from this group! And going with my friends in another division instead...I feel a little better. But this is one year after this incident, I still feel the hurt as if this happened just yesterday and it's not help that I always have to meet them and sometimes need to cooperate with them with things related to work...
I always obsess over that hurt and actually almost always crying in my way home ....

I know it's not good to obsess over the hurt, but since my trust is being betrayed, I cannot help, I always fantasize about revenge and stuff (but again I usually fantasize a lot, about my relationship with friends and others, maybe because I'm INFP).

Do you think INFP cannot really forget the hurt, what should I do....?

Sorry for the long post....Maybe it's boring to read this....
I am glad to see that you have removed yourself from the situation, and that you are onto another area altogether. But your heart knows that you were bullied, and you need to get rid of it. If you want to stop the bullying, avoiding the situation is NOT going to make it any better at all, and nor does it make you feel good. To make yourself feel better and good is if you did something about it. You gave them your trust, but they betrayed this, and it went above personal. i.e. you are colleagues first and foremost, but she crossed that line onto the personal. So I would go straight to her head of dept, or her boss. Either that, or complained to HR about her professional conduct. Cos she crossed that line. It is almost theft that she stole your phone and copied private data. Make sure that you have evidence to back this up.

I would actually not hesitate and go straight to HR about this incidence. Cos she thinks that she is above the law basically. If you do not nib this in the bud, then someone will also be affected, and soon, the department will fall apart. So fight back.

I never fought back as well when I was bullied in my first job. But if you did, then they would indeed not mess with you. Cos she is being absolutely disrespectful, and bringing the company's reputation down to shame.

I had this same girl too, who actually went ahead and spiked my drink. I was so upset. People were NOT as professional as I thought they would be. I have since then been in better professional companies, whereby they would not stand for these kind of things.

I would encourage you to read the company handbook and see what is written, and then consider to go to a HR Personnel to state that you were bullied whilst in that position and let her know of the situation and that you found it affected your performance at that time. If you bring the performance issue into play, and also these supposed meetings, and they omit information from being discussed to you even though you were a team, then they would actually be sacked. Or at least, someone would investigate why performance was so bad etc. Whether it is indeed the management, or that it was the subordinates. In this case, it could be the subordinates. This is the world of work, and not the world of friendships. People need to respect themselves, and also respect others too.

On a separate level, I would also phone the Samaritans to talk over the issue with somebody if it helps... Cos you need to find an emotional release somewhat from the incidence, and yes, if only you stood up for yourself, you should've kicked ass basically, and do not be afraid to do it too.


Also, I wondered if you still hurt is because you gave them your confidence and was a true friend, and you saw them as friends, but then they did not see you that way at all. You gave them too much of yourself in the situation, cos they are hardly friends' materials... I have been there too, and I try to be an all rounder, but some people indeed is not worthy of your friendship etc. I would go to certain team events and I would also avoid others too. Some balance is ok, but do not go far out to be, and sometimes try and learn to change the dynamic of a conversation etc. i.e. distraction from their bitching basically...
 

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Thank you so much everyone!
There are a lot of responses than what I originally thought since this is my first post, thank you for taking time to give thoughtful and useful responses.
Hey Henrietta, I'm glad you joined the INFP forums :proud:

I can relate to what you're saying soo much. I may not have an answer to your situation, but I can say I'm going through a similar hurt. I was bullied when I was in high school and I still shudder when I think about those days despite the fact that already a few years have passed. I get these terrible reoccurring nightmares as well that, like a flashback, take me right back into those unpleasant memories.. I don't know if this is an "INFP thing", maybe it's just that feeling of betrayal, you know? Sorry I don't have much of a solution for you on how to deal with these co-workers. If I were in your shoes however, I would just try to distance myself from them as much as possible. The pain will fade in time, that much I learned.
Yes, flashback… it’s almost always happened everyday, especially on the day when I met them or when they asked some help from me like excel techniques or formulas and reporting related to work. I do try to distance myself as much as possible from them. But sometimes, I need to cooperate with them with things related to work which made me reminded of it all over again. I noticed that usually my mind repeated that incident again and again after I met at least the one who copied my messages. I feel the hurt strongly and I can even always reminded of it at my way home, it’s like my brain keep rewinding that scene over and over again like a broken tape.

So now, I think the problem is in myself, how not to obsess over it? How not to care about them?

I don’t put it in my first post because my first post is already too long. But actually in the impulsive of mix of anger and emotion, I have given a letter of resignation to my supervisor, I know that’s so foolish considering I haven’t found another job yet, but in my mind back then, I just want to remove myself from them, and what I can think about just to resign. My supervisor actually also the part of the group and she seemed happy to see I was about of resign.

But the situation changed, when my resignation letter actually reached my manager, she sensed something was wrong even though I don’t say anything and I put my reason to resign is that I want to build my own business which is in reality, it was just a reason since I haven’t found another job yet. She asked me about what is really happened because she felt that I am a good employee and good at my job, if my reason to quit because I found another better job, she won’t stop me, she said. She then can convince me to tell her, and in burst of emotion, I told her. Although when I was telling my story I didn’t put the blame in them, I blame myself, maybe because I can’t fit in, which made them not to like me and exclude me in everything, but I also told her about copied messages and show her the logs.

And outside my expectation, my manager actually apologize because she never knew about this at all, and since she never connected to them in personal level, just in work related things, so she never know. She even offered me to be directly become her subordinate and given another role which won’t be directly related to them. She give me choice to be her direct subordinate with increased responsibility and role. I actually just want to resign, but after seeking advice from my friends, they all tell me to accept it, prove it to them and this will make them won’t look down on you. So I accepted it, and I really can see they are so burned in anger that a few days after I accepted the offer, my internet connection in work got blocked (one of them have a boyfriend in IT department, so I suspect it’s them), which affect me since I need internet to perform some of my tasks, my computer at work constantly remoted, but not to actually control my computer but just to observe, I typed in notepad to ask who is this? And it’s soon being turned off. I learnt to put a firewall and other protection stuff on my computer like putting password in everything and they actually spread gossip about me to a lot of people that I fake my victimization to get the position (I knew about the gossip from one of another collague who is not part of their group). In reality, I’m not ambitious person and what I really care about is just to live in harmony…which is why I was about to resign, just to avoid any conflict.

Maybe another reason why I can’t really forget this event is because they caused so much conflict in my workplace and make me misunderstood by a lot of people. So I’m still constantly reminding of that from time to time…..I really hate conflict….

But seeing that I am doing pretty much fine now except some gossips spread around, why should I care? Now the problem I think lies in myself on how to stop reminded about it especially at the time when I saw them and when they asked my help with something related to work. And this thought of wishing something bad to befall them….I’m surprised with myself to have such a dark thought….But when they were asking my help with anything though, I still found myself to help them even after that I cursed them in my mind (I feel like a hypocrite -_-), how come they still asking my help? Am I just too foolish or they just still feel the need to take advantage out of me as much as they can? I still remain professional so I always cooperate with them sincerely in work related things when needed even while being super aware and careful when I was in front of them. I feel I really skilled in hiding and suppress my true feelings and it made me often to feel bad with myself, when I actually want to scream at their face, but never do. There are a lot of conflicts and I think it’s mainly within myself now….And I can’t help being paranoid since I don’t know when they will strike back,…
 

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Hi Henrietta, welcome to the forums! =)

I must start out by saying that I completely understand where you are coming from having been bullied all throughout my life by people. Its only natural for you to feel hurt and betrayed and to be quite honest what they did to you was quite disturbing.

The thing is in life there are some who are disgusting excuses for human beings. We come across them in many places. What one must remember is that we shouldn't make excuses for them, if they treat us and the people around them badly we should stand our ground. I know for a fact that INFP are more than a little forgiving but at a certain point enough is enough. It's good that you changed your environment and moved on from there.

As far as the still existing hurt, I guess in a way its always there but you have the power to let it effect you or not. Deep down you might want to scream into their face telling them just how much they hurt you, but usually the sick and twisted people who hurt people enjoy it when they know they can effect people like that.

So as far as advice goes I would recommend to take the high road. When you have to deal with these people consider them for who they really are. Do your job to the best of your abilities but don't let their actions effect you. Don't treat them as equals either do your job but don't try and still make friends with them, you deserve so much better.

Thank you for the advice :D, I don’t try to be their friends ever again, I am too hurt that when I saw them especially the one who copied the messages, I’m still constantly reminded of it. But then again, I find myself still helping them when they seek my help….And they are often still seeking my help…I don’t know if I’m just too foolish to still help them in anything really?
 

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I don't think anyone can really forget hurtful experiences anyways xD Maybe there's a place in our heart where all that pain is stored and the instant we unlock that part, we become super vulnerable. It's even harder to forget if those experiences have had a very heavy impact on you.

It's okay though, sometimes we just need to keep remembering the pain and cry to let that inner pressure get relieved, at least just a little. Eventually, we realize all that hurting did us some good because after painful experiences, we start to notice and appreciate little gestures that go against what we've "learnt" from those experiences, and we start getting little peppers of hope. It might actually be easier to be hopeful after these experiences xD After all, if you're in a room flooded with light, it's hard to pinpoint the source of light, whereas it's a lot easier to do if you're in a dark room and there's just one circle of light in the room.

When you start thinking about revenge, just remember: You'll only end up being like them. It's the bullying cycle! When people get bullied they either try to prove their worth by bullying others, or try to get revenge on their bullies. It's hard to not be malicious when you do either. And that sucks. But see, having hurt so much over this, you'd know how sucky it is that many people face bullying in their lives. Why not be that person who shows them hope?

You're better than them, and you know it! :D If you have to work with them or something, just try to treat them as you would with other colleagues. Show them that you can be professional and that you're not mean like they are, maybe they'll even feel bad! xD

What I'm trying to say is, your life is YOUR life. It sounds selfish, but it's true - Your life is about YOU, not them. Ultimately you don't want to cause them demise, revenge only brings people down. Focus on yourself instead, on making yourself happier and getting past the past xD (Hah! See what I did there?!) In the end, those bullies are only obstacles - Obstacles which you can definitely overcome! :D

Yes, thank you for the advice, I’m actually still always help them when they need help with things related to work but I find myself often fantasize about revenge, but the revenge itself is not I who execute it, but like I wish they got some accident and made them to be disabled, or something like that, I am surprised myself that I have such a dark thought. But then again I find myself actually still help them sincerely when they need help, one of them even asked me to help her with things not related to work but since I can, I still help her which baffled my friend. He said, you are too kind, she doesn’t deserve it. But I think in dark bottom of my heart I feel like I wish something to befall them….It just remained in my darkest thought and never actually materialize.


Yes you are definitely right, they are just obstacles. And actually my situation is definitely improved because of this incident

I don’t put it in my first post because my first post is already too long. But actually in the impulsive of mix of anger and emotion, I have given a letter of resignation to my supervisor, I know that’s so foolish considering I haven’t found another job yet, but in my mind back then, I just want to remove myself from them, and what I can think about just to resign. My supervisor actually also the part of the group and she seemed happy to see I was about of resign.

But the situation changed, when my resignation letter actually reached my manager, she sensed something was wrong even though I don’t say anything and I put my reason to resign is that I want to build my own business which is in reality, it was just a reason since I haven’t found another job yet. She asked me about what is really happened because she felt that I am a good employee and good at my job, if my reason to quit because I found another better job, she won’t stop me, she said. She then can convince me to tell her, and in burst of emotion, I told her. Although when I was telling my story I didn’t put the blame in them, I blame myself, maybe because I can’t fit in, which made them not to like me and exclude me in everything, but I also told her about copied messages and show her the logs.

And outside my expectation, my manager actually apologize because she never knew about this at all, and since she never connected to them in personal level, just in work related things, so she never know. She even offered me to be directly become her subordinate and given another role which won’t be directly related to them. She give me choice to be her direct subordinate with increased responsibility and role. I actually just want to resign, but after seeking advice from my friends, they all tell me to accept it, prove it to them and this will make them won’t look down on you. So I accepted it, and I really can see they are so burned in anger that a few days after I accepted the offer, my internet connection in work got blocked (one of them have a boyfriend in IT department, so I suspect it’s them), which affect me since I need internet to perform some of my tasks, my computer at work constantly remoted, but not to actually control my computer but just to observe, I typed in notepad to ask who is this? And it’s soon being turned off. I learnt to put a firewall and other protection stuff on my computer like putting password in everything and they actually spread gossip about me to a lot of people that I fake my victimization to get the position (I knew about the gossip from one of another collague who is not part of their group). In reality, I’m not ambitious person and what I really care about is just to live in harmony…which is why I was about to resign, just to avoid any conflict.
 

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As an INFJ I often seek to increase my own self awareness by questioning group issues versus my own sense of self, researching social dynamics in books and articles to better understand the people and seeking to become more assertive in setting boundaries (if necessary being more professional, taking alone time in breaks and seeking more positions of responsibility within a situation)... I can suggest interesting book titles if you wish.
Do suggest it, I love to read books and the reason why I can still remain open minded actually because I love to read. :D
 

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Hi! Welcome to our humble forums. I hope you enjoy your stay, since you say you've already been lurking.

I don't have a lot to add...to be honest while I have experienced what you describe I can't really relate my own experience to yours. It's more complicated for me, shall we say...so I'll just try to analyse this logically.

I would think that hurt and pain remains on the surface (and therefore can become a target of obsession) primarily when whatever it is that caused the hurt is still in close proximity. If you still encounter those people on a daily basis you're going to be reminded of the hurt on a daily basis. Makes sense, right?
I realise this may be impractical advice for you but the best way to avoid obsession with the hurt is to move to a place where you are no longer constantly reminded of it.

Personally I don't think I ever truly forget who has hurt me or why. However, I can get it to the back of my mind and forget about it on a day-to-day basis, until it no longer is a problem. Sometimes, I might not be able to do that, but I might be able to forgive and move on without it constantly troubling me. I'm not sure about that last point, though, it's never happened.

It might be worth remembering that stealing text messages is taking information without consent. It's theft. I don't know what country you're in but I would expect it to be illegal. Sharing that information with others may in itself also be illegal. If you find her doing anything of the sort again...well, it's worth bearing in mind.
Well yeah, I’m still in the same workplace but even I don’t need to see them in daily basis, I still need cooperate with them sometimes for work related things, it doesn’t help that they actually still often seeking my help, in front of my face they are smiling but on my back they gossiped about me....I still found myself to help them even after that I cursed them in my mind (I feel like a hypocrite -_-), how come they still asking my help? Am I just too foolish or they just still feel the need to take advantage out of me as much as they can? I still remain professional so I always cooperate with them sincerely in work related things when needed even while being super aware and careful when I was in front of them. I feel I really skilled in hiding and suppress my true feelings and it made me often to feel bad with myself, when I actually want to scream at their face, but never do. There are a lot of conflicts and I think it’s mainly within myself now….
 

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I am glad to see that you have removed yourself from the situation, and that you are onto another area altogether. But your heart knows that you were bullied, and you need to get rid of it. If you want to stop the bullying, avoiding the situation is NOT going to make it any better at all, and nor does it make you feel good. To make yourself feel better and good is if you did something about it. You gave them your trust, but they betrayed this, and it went above personal. i.e. you are colleagues first and foremost, but she crossed that line onto the personal. So I would go straight to her head of dept, or her boss. Either that, or complained to HR about her professional conduct. Cos she crossed that line. It is almost theft that she stole your phone and copied private data. Make sure that you have evidence to back this up.

I would actually not hesitate and go straight to HR about this incidence. Cos she thinks that she is above the law basically. If you do not nib this in the bud, then someone will also be affected, and soon, the department will fall apart. So fight back.

I never fought back as well when I was bullied in my first job. But if you did, then they would indeed not mess with you. Cos she is being absolutely disrespectful, and bringing the company's reputation down to shame.

I had this same girl too, who actually went ahead and spiked my drink. I was so upset. People were NOT as professional as I thought they would be. I have since then been in better professional companies, whereby they would not stand for these kind of things.

I would encourage you to read the company handbook and see what is written, and then consider to go to a HR Personnel to state that you were bullied whilst in that position and let her know of the situation and that you found it affected your performance at that time. If you bring the performance issue into play, and also these supposed meetings, and they omit information from being discussed to you even though you were a team, then they would actually be sacked. Or at least, someone would investigate why performance was so bad etc. Whether it is indeed the management, or that it was the subordinates. In this case, it could be the subordinates. This is the world of work, and not the world of friendships. People need to respect themselves, and also respect others too.

On a separate level, I would also phone the Samaritans to talk over the issue with somebody if it helps... Cos you need to find an emotional release somewhat from the incidence, and yes, if only you stood up for yourself, you should've kicked ass basically, and do not be afraid to do it too.


Also, I wondered if you still hurt is because you gave them your confidence and was a true friend, and you saw them as friends, but then they did not see you that way at all. You gave them too much of yourself in the situation, cos they are hardly friends' materials... I have been there too, and I try to be an all rounder, but some people indeed is not worthy of your friendship etc. I would go to certain team events and I would also avoid others too. Some balance is ok, but do not go far out to be, and sometimes try and learn to change the dynamic of a conversation etc. i.e. distraction from their bitching basically...
Thank you for the advice, I have discussed this incident with my close friend from the college (so she’s not in the same workplace) and she did help me for not depressing myself too far over it. Yeah, I feel I am actually kind of blaming myself, why I was careless, why I was so off guard because it’s outside of my comprehension that there are people who are like them. Like you said, I considered them friends before, but they are actually hardly friends, I was upset because of that. Maybe I’m just too idealistic? It’s perhaps one of the reason, but I do realize I can’t control how other people behave and what I can do, just to focus to do the best now.

When I was stressed back then I actually kind of realized that my performance affected and my supervisor (she’s in that same group) often asked me about things which I don’t understand & made me look like a fool and later I found out there was meetings which held between us as a team and I’m not invited…This supervisor of mine actually held several meetings when I was asked to be a trainer in our branch office, why should she especially choose the time when I have given outside task? Since I was rarely being a trainer and it was just for 1 day a week for several weeks, she could choose a day when every member is present, right? Being in a team with most of members are females really tough, I spoke from my own experience…They don’t play fair at all but backstabbing and gossiping spread around….

And there is more to that…

I don’t put it in my first post because my first post is already too long. But actually in the impulsive of mix of anger and emotion, I have given a letter of resignation to my supervisor, I know that’s so foolish considering I haven’t found another job yet, but in my mind back then, I just want to remove myself from them, and what I can think about just to resign. My supervisor actually also the part of the group and she seemed happy to see I was about of resign.

But the situation changed, when my resignation letter actually reached our manager, she sensed something was wrong even though I don’t say anything and I put my reason to resign is that I want to build my own business which is in reality, it was just a reason since I haven’t found another job yet. She asked me about what is really happened because she felt that I am a good employee and good at my job, if my reason to quit because I found another better job, she won’t stop me, she said. She then can convince me to tell her, and in burst of emotion, I told her. Although when I was telling my story I didn’t put the blame in them, I blame myself, maybe because I can’t fit in, which made them not to like me and exclude me in everything, but I also told her about copied messages and show her the logs.

And outside my expectation, my manager actually apologize because she never knew about this at all, and since she never connected to them in personal level, just in work related things, so she never know. She even offered me to be directly become her subordinate and given another role which won’t be directly related to them. She give me choice to be her direct subordinate with increased responsibility and role. I actually just want to resign, but after seeking advice from my friends, they all tell me to accept it, prove it to them and this will make them won’t look down on you. So I accepted it, and I really can see they are so burned in anger that a few days after I accepted the offer, my internet connection in work got blocked (one of them have a boyfriend in IT department, so I suspect it’s them), which affect me since I need internet to perform some of my tasks, my computer at work constantly remoted, but not to actually control my computer but just to observe, I typed in notepad to ask who is this? And it’s soon being turned off. I learnt to put a firewall and other protection stuff on my computer like putting password in everything and they actually spread gossip about me to a lot of people that I fake my victimization to get the position (I knew about the gossip from one of another collague who is not part of their group). In reality, I’m not ambitious person and what I really care about is just to live in harmony…which is why I was about to resign, just to avoid any conflict.

Maybe another reason why I can’t really forget this event is because they caused so much conflict in my workplace and make me misunderstood by a lot of people. So I’m still constantly reminding of that from time to time…..I really hate conflict….


But seeing that I am doing pretty much fine now except some gossips spread around, why should I care? Now the problem I think lies in myself on how to stop reminded about it especially at the time when I saw them and when they asked my help with something related to work. And this thought of wishing something bad to befall them….I’m surprised with myself to have such a dark thought….But when they were asking my help with anything though, I still found myself to help them even after that I cursed them in my mind (I feel like a hypocrite -_-), how come they still asking my help? Am I just too foolish or they just still feel the need to take advantage out of me as much as they can? I still remain professional so I always cooperate with them sincerely in work related things when needed even while being super aware and careful when I was in front of them. I feel I really skilled in hiding and suppress my true feelings and it made me often to feel bad with myself, when I actually want to scream at their face, but never do. There are a lot of conflicts and I think it’s mainly within myself now….And I can’t help being paranoid since I don’t know when they will strike back,…
 

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Do suggest it, I love to read books and the reason why I can still remain open minded actually because I love to read. :D
Long list incoming...

Games People Play & What Do You Say After Hello... Eric Berne M.D.
Quiet Susan Cain
Man and His Symbols Carl Jung
Giftedness 101 Linda Silverman
Real Love Greg Baer
The Road Less Travelled Scott M. Peck
How To Be Assertive In Any Situation Sue Hadfield, Gill Hassan
Enjoying The Gift Of Being Uncommon Willem Kuipers
Ted.com can also be invaluable in my experience

...I would suggest more, however most of my real information is in website favourites.
 

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Thank you for the advice :D, I don’t try to be their friends ever again, I am too hurt that when I saw them especially the one who copied the messages, I’m still constantly reminded of it. But then again, I find myself still helping them when they seek my help….And they are often still seeking my help…I don’t know if I’m just too foolish to still help them in anything really?
Well that decision is up to you really. If you want to still help them regardless then go ahead. But if they are still hurting you while you still help them then honestly I would have second thoughts.

My usual strategy, at least in a work place is do my work, then help everyone who needs it. If there is someone who is hurting me, I would give them a few chances but ultimately if they still go out of their way to be horrible human beings I immediately stop helping them in any extra way and only do what my job requires for me to do.

In corporate environments helpful people are often times caught in a trap when they are helpful to people who constantly ask for it.
These people tend to mistake your kindness as simply willingness to work and take advantage of it heavily if they like.
Don't let this interfere with your job or your life. If its becoming an extra burden ease up a little, you can't do everything. Also I don't know if you have people like this to deal with, but if they try to make you feel guilty about not helping them don't fall for it.

Again I say its up to you. I for one like to help as many people as possible but if I'm not being treated right I immediately stop doing anything extra for them and only if and when my job requires to help them I will.
 
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I'm glad you accepted the higher position and I really hope it works out for you too. :happy:

I'm not really sure how to "stop caring", as that's something I'm still working on also. Eh, why am I even posting I wonder. I don't really have much to offer you, but I want to help.. I think one thing I can say I've learned however, is that besides time, engaging in something that might distract you from the bad memories/situation will help you not care so much. If you have something else on your mind, like a hobby or project your working on, it can make it so their petty gossip is rather irrelevant. Say you're going about your day and you are so focused on after work, where you're doing A B C, it won't really matter what these girls think of you because your heart and mind are somewhere else. I don't think I'm explaining myself well haha. I think the gist of what I'm trying to get at here is something like this quote I really like:

"A spoon of salt in a glass of water makes the water undrinkable. A spoon of salt in a lake is almost unnoticed." ~Buddha

The salt being the unpleasantness of work and those bad memories. If you can offset them with goodness at work or something fun in your everyday life, then their little pettiness will mean less and those sticky memories will hold less weight. That's something I've found at least. Time also inevitably adds to the water of the lake, so do not fret -- each passing day holds a greater light.


EDIT: Also having a friend at work might help make the days seem more bearable and less like it's: You vs the Office (part of the office)
 
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