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My goal has been to start rebuilding my life, and to accept my situation with grace and poise. So far doing way better than I'd have ever expected, yay me.
I think this post is worth Respect. Rebuilding can be hard and long. Go well :happy:
 

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Discussion Starter #23
Some thoughts about the beginning of challenge:

 


I spent the evening, last night, mildly mannered, slightly irritated, and everything went well.

I slept a lot and there was a point today in which I felt a lot of energy, felt quite confident at work--felt as if I was giving what I could consider my best. It was a long, tiring day, but I think it went well.

Sooooos it is something I am grateful for. I think perhaps I just get restless, especially in the evening and at night, and I need to spend that time to focus more on myself. I spent the evening, after my overtime at work, planning out meals...and then getting nervous about wasting food. I'm just going to have to let some of it go and be appreciative of the steps I am taking towards this kind of nebulous goal.

So:
Better energy level at work.
More time and energy to organize.
Better organization of time, time to problem solve and apply solutions at work.
Seeing better outcomes at work.
Feeling more confident at work.

What I'm seeing with these benefits though, from the little changes I've made, is that they are mostly being applied to work, which may be part of the reason I feel vaguely unsatisfied.

I am grateful to have a more enjoyable, rewarding, and fulfilling experience with my job. It's also where most of my relationships and socializing takes place. So it is rewarding on an emotional level. It's also something I care about very deeply, and I want to be doing the best I can--I feel very strongly of the importance of my role.

But, I maybe need to focus on the more personal goals beyond sleep schedule/physical body health.

Eh--something that was personally rewarding, or just kind of fun was doing pottermore quizzes last night while drinking a cup of warm milk and ovaltine. As was taking a bath before work while drinking coffe/ovaltine/milk/vanilla, while lighting a candle. There's something beautiful about candle flame against the deep blue sky of the early morning, right as dawn is waking up. I enjoy that quiet time as well. And also the time after the sun goes down. I suppose developing a better, more stable routine for managing physical energy and restfulness will allow me to, perhaps, take advantage of these times more.



I cannot really think of anymore goals atm, but perhaps it's just better to focus on the thoughts and feelings that arise during the process of pursuing some of the previous goals. Perhaps focusing on the other goals after I feel more confident in these two really basic ones--which are fixing sleep and evening routine (breaking stagnant, unproductive one).
 

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1. Better routine at night (always read some time before bed most nights)..

2. Eat at the caloric level I need (which is more eating)

3. Use my time a tad more efficiently

4. Get back on track with budgeting

***I'll be satisfied with completing 2 & 4 for this month though***
 

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update:
I started to relearn french instead of maths, procrastination I guess... but also a step in working more, as if I can substitute teach in beginnersclass of french(they have a huge deficitit in substitute teachers it seems, so you don't need much qualifiations) that would help(also need to read up on the basics of the science-subjects, you are not expected to know all that much, but it feels embarrasing when I don't know the answer to simple questions).
I'll do the maths tomorrow.
I have been on walks every day, and my todolistschedule-thing is... improving, still taking way to long and not doing everything, but it is still an improvement, and I get some sense of overview, especially, which I feel I need, the days tend to blurr together for me. Now I have special chores and other things for different days, hopefully it will make me get a better sense of time passing.
I have been socialising quite a bit too, which is nice but tiring.
I have not done much on my projects yet, but I have been doing other than the ones I wrote, that I have planned to do for a year but not gotten around to, so that feels good to (e.g. hooks and stuff in the hall, and making space for drying laundry in the attic and hanging lines, as we have had it in the livingroom before which takes space and looks... not cosy.)
 

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Go to be early, wake up early
Take better care of my surroundings
Exercise at least twice a week
Improve my artistic abilities (mainly, writing, drawing and crocheting.)
Try to work on my stress levels (I get bothered by a lot, being around people/crowds for too long, waking up to see a dirty kitchen right after I spent the majority of my night cleaning it, seeing my room dirty, being frustrated about my lack of motivation in my artistic pursuits, my lack of aim in work life and my pretty much non existent work ethic. I won't even get started on my lack of social life, but that's not really much of a worry.)
Work on becoming less of a pushover and working on asserting my beliefs, boundaries, whatever. (first I've got to form some though. I don't think I'll get this done this month.)
 

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My October challenge is to try something new every day. I've had a lot of anxiety about trying new things lately, and it kind of ruining my excited curious vibe. I am doing small things like making pumpkin mixed drinks and taking a glowstick bath in a dark room.

I'm also listening to a new composer every month - Sergei Prokofiev is this month's composer.
 

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My October challenge is to try something new every day...taking a glowstick bath in a dark room.

I'm also listening to a new composer every month - Sergei Prokofiev is this month's composer.
These sound like great ideas! I'd never heard of a glowstick bath, but now I have to try that some time too. Feel free to update with any of the cool things you try here!


-------------------------------------------------------
Update:
I finally started growing the oyster mushrooms from the kit I picked up at a discount food market. It will be fun.

As for my goals--I am proud right now. It's been at least three days that I've been performing the epitome of my goals (removing bad habits, adding some good). It was actually kind of spontaneous to decide to go for an extra component to that goal, but I am doing well. I also like how it required some risk.

I need to adjust some other aspects better now though, since I am a bit off. But still exciting to me. So I am doing well on my goals and actually accomplished more than I expected, although I am also trading off a bit, unfortunately, and would like to find a way to make two of my goals align as they seem to be conflicting right now. I have thought of some solutions for that, and will push for them tomorrow.
 

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So, it will be three weeks this Thursday, that I have made a significant change to my habit. I am excited by that as it is something I've been grappling with for years. Certainly, three weeks is not three years, but I am happy.

I will need to make changes to diet now though, since this change of habit did disrupt it. I am thinking like...snacking more during the day--getting some fruit or vegetable to snack on such as tangerines, berries, broccoli, or maybe small fingerling potatoes sometimes (maybe a mix of grilled vegetables including these).

And then going to work on getting going earlier to walk/ride to work rather than drive, and getting my lunch set up so I can do art during lunch time.
 

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hrm... I have totally failed with some, but succeeded with some, and somewhere between with the rest:

- list-schedulething with very detailed routines started out well, but have deteriorated the last week, evening routines are more difficult than morning-routines, week routines have been very helpful.

- do a spiderweb-scarf Not started, but there's still a week...

- I have to make a house for my cat started, gathered some more wood, sawing indoors haha, but still quite a bit to do, we'll see if I will succeed in finishing it. Still need some insulation, and the planned roof was too small, so need something waterproof for that too.

- Go outside for a walk every day, even if short. Almost succeeded with this, I think except two days.

- Work quite a lot. Failed...

-Study maths some, but not as much as I ought to, still some time though.

-Try to be a bit social with the people moving in with us this month. This I have done quite a lot, common meals, games, walks, talks, has been tiring but nice.

-New fabric for an armchair. Not much, I spent two hours or so on it, metalwiring the springs together etc. still a lot to do, and not sure I have enough of strong fabrics.

- Paint or draw some each week, nothing big, just to my own amusement. Failed...
 
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I guess get back to using Fi more:
-Do more sacred life sustaining work like washing dishes.
-Write down my manifesto.
-Find help.
 

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I'm 20 days late but I really want to get through the end of this month without falling into another deep depressive state, so that means occupying myself with more constructive means of well-being, mainly that being reading.

I just picked up a copy of Tolkien's "The Return of the Shadow" since the header on the book listed "History [...] Part 1", but after checking Goodreads, found out that it's actually the 6th book in a series on the History of the Middle Earth, but fuck it, I think I'll be alright since it's still a Part 1 about something!

I also want to talk more to strangers. I had a nice conversation with someone in class yesterday, and the day before that. I want to branch out of my comfort zone a bit more.
 

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Discussion Starter #35 (Edited)
So we're in the last stretch of October, for the most part. I have accomplished some of my goals and let others slip by.

Looking at my face painting of animals, I wondered about how I take care of myself as an animal. I think probably not very well.

Eh--I just remembered a dream I had years ago, in which there was a tiger in a cage and it was rawring and I was nervous it would get out.

So the last stretch, in accordance with previous themes of physical care, is a focus on the animalistic qualities of myself--instincts, physical needs, basic animal and social needs from a more objective standpoint (understanding, impersonally, the needs of a species). It's Halloween soon, so this will dovetail in with the dressing up as I can literally dress up and pretend to be an animal, which maybe helps the meditation.

Also thinking about 'decay' and what I want to allow to decay in my life--perhaps cages that hinder me and are too small now. Certain habits that I've grappled with that are self-destructive.

So, just as if it is a race that I've been kind of sitting around for part of, this is the last stretch and I want to push into it really hard before November.

I'm curious about the animals I've seen in my dreams and getting in touch with animal archetypes.

I did dream I was a 'bunny alien' once, and was told in the dream (from a book about dreams in the dream...lol) that bunny symbolized a yearning.

I also dreamed about snakes a lot since I was a child...consistently. Many many snakes...cobras with many heads once, but usually rattlesnakes. Sometimes chasing me at first, but then moreso sliding over me. One of my first dreams that I remember was trying to reach into a pit of rattlesnakes to get something for my mother.

I did dream of horses a few times and think what Jung says about them is interesting. Most recently, was in bed with my old English professor and heard a horse neigh very loudly outside and in the dark. We were analyzing literature in bed together...and I recited a poem about immortality, mortality, and fear that accompanies life and growth and perhaps tenderness.

But before that I did dream about horses as a child a few times...once was looking for my 'perfect horse' and found the stable had been flooded with water. I wasn't sure where it had gone to.

I've also dreamed about large lions/tigers too. Before the year of the tiger, on the eve, I dreamed I was sitting outside next to a very large tiger. I was nervous, but it was friendly and lay down next to me. I also dreamed of the tiger in the cage, and also have had dreams, more recently, of lions laying in the middle of the road or just hanging out on the side of a mountain.

Oh--and dogs. I dreamed of dogs several times several years ago. I dreamed of a gigantic dog that scared me, and it was running outside of a fence, along with actual fairies that glowed and were tiny, and flying around. And I was afraid of the huge black dog, but then it did everything I told it to. I also dreamed of a dog who came to me, but only when I called it 'guardian' and not 'dog.' And also dreamed of riding on the back of a large dog, like a horse.

Dreamed of many hummingbirds that were injured, with broken beaks. And needing to stroke a giant tongue.

Let me see...most recent animal dream was of whale corpses and dead animals along the coast. Not so inspirational, but perhaps I was looking in an area where there was a lot of death for some transportation. I think I ended up having to go it alone and fly.

I dreamed a long time ago that a giant white goose offered to lift me up and take me away, but I told her I wasn't ready yet.

Maybe I'll just have to wait and see if any animal archetype shows itself as being fitting for right now. I can also read some Jung.

Oh--just read an interesting thing Jung said about animals and cages. That actually, it can be very difficult for a wild animal to leave it's cage after moved to a new place. That one would think an animal would easily just run free if let loose again, but that sometimes it takes more time than that...that if an animal which was once wild has gotten used to a cage, that it will trust the cage more, still, than the new environment sometimes...or something. Jung's not a biologist so idk if it's true, but struck a chord.

I took the pottermore test and patronus was wildcat. Maybe cat is a good animal to think about--they are associated with witches and magic, and halloween. Jung is describing them as very maternal and nurturing, and tied to house and person often, but also exceedingly independent. I like 'if one is to love a cat, one must not try to de-cat it.' And emphasizing it has a cruel aspect to it as well, as cats often play with their prey and are fierce hunters.

I think that for me, cat's are often associated with sexuality in dreams. They are a bit like bunnies, so yearning, but also fertility--this goes along with other archetypes though as cats and bunnies are both very reproductive. Freya rode on a transportation pulled by cats...

So for me, cats can often be kind of menacing in my dreams. To be bitten by a rabid cat is to be possessed of some kind of romantic/erotic obsession, or symbolizes a fear of being overtaken by that aspect of my being.

Not sure about larger cats though--they seem more forced into control, due to their size. Like the tiger I met before the year of the tiger, it was very self possessed. Certainly something to fear still...but also protective.

The bunny is also something I've found myself stumbling into in reading--the bunny in the moon, the bunny associated with various goddesses of fertility. Maybe I should think about the bunny more than the cat, because I spent a good part of my childhood thinking about cats all time.

So rabbits also.
 

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Eeeehhhhh ^

That was really winding and long and probably the opposite of the 'push hard through the last stretch of October.'

Clear goals for today:

Go through clothing and minimize. Get rid of what I don't like and just keep for practical reasons that aren't essential anymore.

Paint a warty gourd (I think black with glitter).

Wash more laundry.
 
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