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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, Susan here. Okay. So. I know you're getting sick of this, but here we go-

In my relationship with my ESTP, although there are just SO many things good going for it, sometimes I feel like I can't be 100% open with him because he doesn't instinctively understand me- or more particularly- my emotions. I've noticed that, sometimes, when I try to express my more deeply rooted emotions, he sorta just goes "okay", or complains that I'm being negative, or just doesn't understand, and it makes me feel disconnected. Is this just something I'm going to have to deal with? There are SO MANY other good things going for this relationship, and I know he loves me. He goes out of his way to do things for me, he's so open and willing to work through issues, we have so much fun together, he's super cuddly in just the right way- logically, I know he loves me. Albeit in his own way.

But he just doesn't think about things emotionally in the same way I do. Or, at least, he has trouble voicing it in the way I need.

And I was in a psychology class and we were talking about attachment/commitment in the area of romantic relationships, and the teacher said "And to those of you who have a significant other, do you feel like you can tell them everything? Are they your absolute best friend? If something were to happen, would they be the first person you'd tell? Because if not, then it's not going to last."

And that kind of hit home. We can have fun together. We can talk about taboo subjects. But he just doesn't get me emotionally sometimes. I can't tell him about emotional revelations I have because it's like Mandarin to him sometimes. I have to spell things out word for word for him emotionally. But he's so willing to listen, and work on things, and figure things out, I almost feel bad for feeling disconnected. But I do.

Is this just something I'm going to have to deal with? I know you can't find a person that will fufill every need and desire you have, that's just unrealistic, and I'd rather have a fun, logical, caring guy than a super, over-the-top emotional guy any day, so will I just have to find emotional fufillment through other methods outside of my relationship? Push all the unexpressed emotion into my writing, or painting, or work? Or is this something I can talk through with my boyfriend? Teach him how to emotionally fufill my Fi?

Because, I mean, I know I don't need someone to fufill that for me. Like, I was perfectly content being single for years, after all, but sometimes I just wish he could hold me and talk about his secret feelings. (that sounds so cheesy omg) Or like, really delve in and explore what I'm feeling, or talk about how he feels about the world, but...eh. That's mostly a Fi function, right? :rolleyes:

Yet also- I know that if I feel this way, then he must be feeling some sort of grind on me not fufilling his "Ti" side, right? Maybe??

Basically- does anyone have any advice on how I can logically fufill him yet also show him how to emotionally fufill me? Or is that aspect of our relationship just a lost cause I'm gonna have to suck up?

(Also, gonna post this in both the ENFP and ESTP forums to get differing perspectives. Thanks guys!)
 

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Hi, Susan here. Okay. So. I know you're getting sick of this, but here we go-

Basically- does anyone have any advice on how I can logically fufill him yet also show him how to emotionally fufill me? Or is that aspect of our relationship just a lost cause I'm gonna have to suck up?

(Also, gonna post this in both the ENFP and ESTP forums to get differing perspectives. Thanks guys!)
I had an ESTP first boyfriend- we were just too different- I think that you can only know that someone loves you if they actually say that they love you.

This particular guy drifts back into my life every so often- I thought maybe there might be there recently so I said 'I still love you' he said to me- 'yes, I was fond of you' :sad:

Anyway long story short- he apologises to me when I see him, says that he's sorry and has changed but then recently he was living with his girlfriend and we were chatting a bit and then he said his girlfriend was going on a holiday so he'd come and visit me and I said 'I wouldn't be responding that way if I were living with someone or in a serious relationship.' He totally clammed up- but I have an over developed moral compass and he just seems so short of one. And he obviously has not changed if he's talking about visiting ex girlfriends when he is living with someone, he is still the same as he was- just constantly juggling.

Seriously, I feel like he's a complete alien, all he ever talks about is the sex, I suppose from his point of view I must seem really odd too, that I can't just acknowledge the sex and I focus on feelings all the time, but for me there is no sex without feeling, so it was an eye opener at the time to see a very different point of view on this stuff.

It's probably different for an Estp and Enfp but overall I really did not think it was a good match for me, paired with the fact that it was my first involved relationship so it seemed like it should have significance to me but he did just not seem to attach significance to it or to anything much.

Anyhow, even though I rail about what a difficult relationship it was it must have been important for me because I still think about 13 years later... even if with it's just with a whole lot of pain.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
too long.
Pff! Okay, fine, let me sum it up for you:

In my relationship with my ESTP, although there are just SO many things good going for it, sometimes I feel like I can't be 100% open with him because he doesn't instinctively understand me- or more particularly- my emotions. I've noticed that, sometimes, when I try to express my more deeply rooted emotions, he sorta just goes "okay", or complains that I'm being negative, or just doesn't understand, and it makes me feel disconnected.

How do I fix this? Can I? Or do I just have to suck it up?
 

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Pff! Okay, fine, let me sum it up for you:

In my relationship with my ESTP, although there are just SO many things good going for it, sometimes I feel like I can't be 100% open with him because he doesn't instinctively understand me- or more particularly- my emotions. I've noticed that, sometimes, when I try to express my more deeply rooted emotions, he sorta just goes "okay", or complains that I'm being negative, or just doesn't understand, and it makes me feel disconnected.

How do I fix this? Can I? Or do I just have to suck it up?
yeah, which part of it don't you think he understands?

Would it help if you told him to rephrase what he thinks you're trying to say when you speak of these things, to see how he interpreted it/what he assumed & go from there?

Unless you can give me specific examples of how you get misunderstood I have no idea what needs fixing.

Depending on what your "deeper" emotions consist of, people may find it very hard to personally relate w/ the same mindset & experiences.
 

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too long.
Yeah, this guy sort of gives you the impression of the ESTP. They want no complication, no drama, they don't want to think too much. In fact my ESTP once hung the phone up on me early in the relationship, then called me back and said I was making him think too much.

The beauty of the ENFP is that we ARE the easiest to adjust in relationships. People in relationships with us rate us the highest in satisfaction rate.

I think ESTPs are good for fun, lots of fun, activities, group activities and toe curling sex. Seriously lots of sex, a ton of sex. Hell, if I had met one years ago maybe I'd have co parented with one because they are such fun parents like us ENFPs. But I mainly see the fun and sex thing.

I can accept the joy and fun from the ESTP, with no expectations of depth. I think it is there, buried deep. Maybe a ton of sex, appreciation for who he is and being so accepting of him may bring it out. Who knows. Future planning and whimsical fantasies (unless they are concrete sexual ones you can do with him) are out.

Take them at face value, watch and listen and they will show you who they are. Enjoy the journey, don't think about the destination.

(Excuse me if I offended any ESTPs, ignore me insinuating no depth and focus on the sexy stuff ;)
 

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Yeah, this guy sort of gives you the impression of the ESTP. They want no complication, no drama, they don't want to think too much. In fact my ESTP once hung the phone up on me early in the relationship, then called me back and said I was making him think too much.

The beauty of the ENFP is that we ARE the easiest to adjust in relationships. People in relationships with us rate us the highest in satisfaction rate.

I think ESTPs are good for fun, lots of fun, activities, group activities and toe curling sex. Seriously lots of sex, a ton of sex. Hell, if I had met one years ago maybe I'd have co parented with one because they are such fun parents like us ENFPs. But I mainly see the fun and sex thing.

I can accept the joy and fun from the ESTP, with no expectations of depth. I think it is there, buried deep. Maybe a ton of sex, appreciation for who he is and being so accepting of him may bring it out. Who knows. Future planning and whimsical fantasies (unless they are concrete sexual ones you can do with him) are out.

Take them at face value, watch and listen and they will show you who they are. Enjoy the journey, don't think about the destination.

(Excuse me if I offended any ESTPs, ignore me insinuating no depth and focus on the sexy stuff ;)
Mostly amused because I hear so many jokes about women not having sex once they get married. Which is frankly bullshit, given sex is an integral part of my relationship and previous relationships. These men complaining about lack of sex from their partners clearly aren't married to ESTP women.
 
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