It's against my common sense to even reply to this thread, but there are a some things I want to say.
I'm going to be blunt: I'm not going to be "to the point," because I don't think "to the point," and I don't write/talk "to the point." I'm going to share ideas and expand on them, and they're free to be taken or left as one so pleases. I'm going to divide this into two parts so that it's clear, and organized. Part I will be about "Door Slamming and Why," while Part II will be about "Personal Growth and Development/Misc Thoughts on Matters."
Part I: Door Slamming and Why
First of all, I'd like to give some information on how I handle "end of the road," situations in relationships. One can theoretically extend that to INFJ as this is how I consistently test, but again, I'm my own person and my thoughts and experiences can never be identical to another person's thoughts or experiences, so take or leave this information as appropriate.
I have been through enough challenging relationships in life to have been in a few places to slam some doors on people. Every single time it has been necessary and painful.
I'm a very patient person, and I can be very compassionate and generous. I often prefer to understand the person and accommodate, but I do have non-negotiable stances based on my values. I won't go into the specifics here since people have different values, but I will give a broad definition of when it becomes non-negotiable. Non-negotiable, for me, happens when a person shows me repeated disrespect that reaches a point where I can no longer write it off as "a bad day," or "a difficult time," especially if they show no indication of being willing to work on whatever issues are coming up between the other person and me. Lying is often a significant part of it, and yes, I am highly intolerable of deceit, but I'm more intolerant of someone who is deceiving himself or herself and thinks that I'm going to go along for the ride. (I do realize the tone of my writing may come across as angry here, but that's because I'm reaching into memories and situations that are strongly associated with anger for me, which is, of course, coming out in my tone, but to back away from that would be to back away from the honesty I want to bring out here.)
When those doors are slammed, I slam them good and hard, and no, there is no going back because I have usually
already forgiven the person over, and over again, and I'm tired of forgiving a matter that isn't getting resolved.
I also wanted to quote the following because of how much this connects to my experience of having to slam some doors.
When pushed to the limit, back against a wall - and if she goes back to him I guarantee there will come a point when the INFJ in this case is pushed to the limit like that because of his mode of manipulation - an INFJ will come out fighting like the other person never imagined they/we could possibly do. We will take all of that information we gathered in all of the ways that we gather information - including some that appear telepathic or otherwise otherworldly - and we will use it to tear down, with ruthless precision, anything we decide is wrong, unjust etc. We will use the deep and broad knowledge we've gathered to destroy whatever we determine needs destroying, and that can include telling the truth about lies that the person has been perpetuating to others, in business, in interpersonal connections, in religious settings, whatever it takes to tear down the wrongness.
For me, this happens when I go back on my instinct and forgive someone
who hasn't changed against my better judgement OR if they try to force me into forgiving them when I have no good reason to do so. I am, generally, I sweet, forgiving, lenient, compassionate person (though I don't sound like it right now) but I'm also observant. When I'm pushed too far, all of that anger, and frustration, and exhaustion comes out verbally, and I have shredded some pretty big egos in a pretty hard way to the point of those people retaliating with slander and other waste of time retaliations. It just turns into an ugly, ugly scenario.
In summary:
1. When I slam a door I refuse to forgive because I ONLY slam doors after having forgiven, and forgiven, and forgiven until I'm sick of it.
2. I slam doors on people who show no self insight, and no desire for self development.
3. Once the door is slammed, it stays slammed because if it doesn't, then it turns into an ugly scenario, and I can be verbally mean to the point of tearing down a person's entire ego-system (get it? ego-system, eco-system AH HA Ha ha ha . . . yeah) and it's just so ugly that no one wants to go there. (Also, going there hurts.)
Importantly: When I slam a door, it hurts because relationships matter to me, and letting go of one is painful. I feel it like a death. So
I only slam doors when I good and mean it! Things I mean, I do for keeps!
Part II: Personal Growth and Development/Misc. Thoughts
So the situation seems to be as follows:
1. You and this woman are both Christians
2. She deduced you were looking at porn. You said you wouldn't do it again.
3. You did it again and got caught.
4. She said "adios."
So let's clarify what's going on here on a person and interpersonal level. On an interpersonal level there are a couple of obvious problems in this situation. First of all, you did something that goes against religious and spiritual values. Second of all, you lied. Yeah, those are some big no-no things to do. On a personal level, you say that you looked at porn in order to relax. You also say that this woman means the world to you.
There are some things to be looked into here. To start,
relationships will not work unless the individuals within the relationship are working themselves. That means that you've got to work on things on a personal level before they'll work on an interpersonal level. This doesn't mean people can't be flawed because goodness knows all people are flawed. I'm pretty strict in my belief about this. Relationships are not something to gauge status by, they're not something to use as a crutch to avoid doing the internal/personal/spiritual work. Relationships are there in order to share mutual love and trust with someone. That can't happen if we aren't looking after our own growth, and being the best we can be. (Whatever that means for individuals.)
So on the personal level, there are concerns with the porn. So I have to ask a few things. How do you honestly feel about porn yourself? If there's a conflict with your use of porn and your religious belief, that's something that you should probably sort out before you get into a relationship with anyone because that's a major part of a person's sexuality and value system. If your sexuality and value system are in conflict (which they seem to be here) then that's going to bring conflict into a relationship because of how important those aspects are to harmonious relationship. If you don't know where you stand, or if your actions conflict with your values, then that's going to affect the ability of ANY partner to find a stable footing on which to build trust.
Then there's the issue with the lying. I wonder, what drove the action of lying? That's something where thinking on it might help to reveal what's going on with that you-porn-religion dynamic. What emotions are there? What does looking at porn really represent to you? What are you
honest feelings about it?
Also, you mentioned that you were looking at porn as a way to relieve stress, so stress seems to be a major factor in all of this as well and I can't help but make note of it. What are you like when you're stressed? How do you behave when you're stressed? How do you
treat people when you're stressed? What sorts of strategies do you have in place to cope with your stress? To my observation, this is JUST as big a concern as the porn/religion issue and the lying issue because it indicates to me that you might need to work on some of your skills with emotional regulation.
To be blunt, I see emotional regulation issues all over your posts, SoJ. Impatience, and a general not-managing-reactions-well thing seems to be bouncing right off the walls of your posts here to the extent that, even at this remote distance, the stress, high emotion, and hostility in your writing induced an increased heart rate and other physiological stress reactions. That's quite a feat! If I encountered that kind of behaviour in real life, I'd run screaming because of the anger/aggression issues that would buzz on my nerves. I have to wonder how much of that factored into the breakdown of this relationship as well. Emotional regulation issues, communication issues, those are something that could be worked on with a therapist. (I know. People run away from the notion of "therapist," and think it's all bogus nonsense, but I think that not working on one's self is bogus nonsense, especially when it leads to emotional struggles, relationship breakdown, and stress.)
I also noticed you never talk about how you treated this lady day to day either, or about her personal qualities. I see a detailed list of compatibility, the way someone would decide on what car to buy. That might be something to think on to. Do you love
her, or do you love that she fits into a list of qualities.
Summary:
1. Sort out your values. Right now your actions regarding porn and your religious/spiritual values seem to conflict. Do some soul searching on this, and sort that business out, otherwise, it will continue to create an unstable value system which will undermine the foundation and stability of every single relationship you try to be in.
2. Figure out how to manage your stress. If porn isn't a way you want to be doing that, then find another way to manage your stress. Take ownership for this!
3. Please take note of emotional regulation issues that may be going on. Be brutally honest with yourself about how much patience you have, how you treat people, how often your temper goes off, and how aggressive/angry you really are. If necessary, seek counselling because it will improve all your relationships, and help to build peace in life. (It will also help with the stress thing.)
4. Make sure that you love who you love for the person they ARE; don't love people just because their qualities fit into a list of desired traits.
I also want to mention this. This is something that comes a little from my background of having been raised Catholic and, though I've kind of stepped away from that now, I continue to be acquainted with people who have a very strong foundation in their faith and one of the major tenets of that spiritual belief, as far as I've ever understood is that when something is beyond your capacity, bring it to God. From the looks of the situation here, you've taken what overwhelmed you and brought it to porn which, from this woman's perspective, could be fundamentally against spiritual belief, and a huge violation of religious values. Beyond porn, beyond cheating, beyond everything else, it sounds like she believed you to have a value system that she shared and you violated that not once, but twice, which might be an even bigger issue. Which brings us full circle I guess. You've got to work out your relationship between religion and porn.
Ultimately,
she has every right to choose to be or not be with you. You have no place or right to try to convince her to be with you if she doesn't want to be. If she's too hurt and it's all too much, then it's her right to feel that way. I can understand that it hurts, and I can understand that it's hard, especially if there's an attachment there, but that's just basic respect for others. Relationships are a choice, and love is earned.
What's more important, I think, than figuring out how to "win her back," or, "get her to forgive you," is to
work on yourself. Figure out where your weak areas are here, figure out your values, take ownership for you actions and your attitudes, and work on ways to build yourself in ways that lead to the development of inward peacefulness, and consistent values.
