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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
OK here the story in brief. I met a friend about 2 years ago and we clicked immediately. For the first time in my life I was like OMG I finally found a best friend. Spending time doing stuff together was awesome and we seem to think and act alike. Lots of rapport and omg you do that too moments.

Anyway as time moves on 2 years later and the dude evolved into trying to control me. Religion issues. He wanted me to join church ( I went for 2 years for sake of friendship ) but me and religion don't mix. I can't throw my life away to do something that I don't like. Anyway , the dude tells me one day "Dude I cannot hang out with you anymore. You are too curious....I don't really know what to say.."

I was super super hurt by all this. Mad and sad at the same time. And its been a year since we spoke. And I'm feeling a lot better now. But now all my friendships are dying. I find that I get aggressive with everyone and all my friends don't have time for me. I hate being alone. I just need 1-2 hours of their time and then I'm OK for a week. But they cant even scrape that time together for me. So I end up just doing nothing anymore.

So yes my problem is that I don't know what to do. Ive isolated myself so much that I had to start doing everything by myself. Movies, fun, games. But its 1000X better with a friend. They just seem pointless alone. Also I cant talk to my family. They constantly invalidate me. I'm super shy of them.

I tried meeting new people and I do still try, but no-one fits the glove. It like I have no connection to anyone anymore... HELP please.
 

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Here's the thing about life: Everybody in this world will stab you in the back so long as doing so suits them and not a flicker of their thoughts will go your feelings in the matter; I guess it all boils down to the fact that each and every one of us are selfish cunts at the end of the day. And you wanna know the real kicker in all of this? The closer you hold these people are to you, the deeper into your chest that blade is going to go, the more it's going to sting and the more you are going to bleed.

I trust nobody. I only ever have a few friends at a time, and even so I rarely regard anyone as 'close'. I've learnt the above lesson the hard way. I haven't had a 'real' close friendship which hasn't wound up with me getting fucked over in some way or another. I keep everybody the fuck away from me.

Am I healthy? Christ no; I'm stuck between being protected and being lonely - a little like you I suppose. I guess it's a balance - one day you will meet someone who you like and connect with to let in, even if it's only just a little bit. We're not like some other types in that we can't just go out and 'fake' these friendships, it's something we intuitively know as working or don't; tbh, I haven't met anyone like that since I first started Uni so I guess all I can say is that you shouldn't give up, please keep going out and trying.

Also, well done for losing the bible basher. I know it bites the hardest when those we 'click' with turn out to be the real assholes, or for whatever reason it doesn't work out. But that's the point - we only treasure these friendships because they only come by once in a blue moon. Case in point, my sister is one of the biggest 'people' people that I know, everywhere she goes she meets a shitload of people and becomes 'close' to many a poor sod. You want to know how many real friends she's made in her lifetime?

One.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
What happened in that year?
Well I went into an obsessive research mode to find out everything I could on google to get a friend back and what I possibly did wrong. ( Which google has VERY litte about friends and more about relationships from a female's perspective...) So after a month I invited the dude to go and see a movie with me, and he did pitch ( amazingly !) But after that we never spoke again. I was waiting to see if he cared or not and turns out he doesn't give a shit because he would have contacted. Anyway then later I started obsessing about me being a bad person and it was my fault. But the longer I stayed away the more I realized what a toxic friend he really was. Manipulative , nacissistic, critical. One of those people that are WONDERS 10% of the time and 90% break you down.

So yes, ive just been trying to find out what the heck this all means. To me it feels like now the world has turned upside down. Everything looks different. And it feels like everyone has their "friends" and content with it. Nobody wants new ones. So I feel stuck. I NEED TO FEEL OK AGAIN so I can continue with life.

Thanks Falling Leaves, I'm starting to understand what you mean. I have been teaching myself CBT and starting to talk myself out of something before the feeling comes in. But like I said might be overdoing it, because now I am at the point where I want to dump 14 year old friendships because of certain incidents. LOL. Really unstable at the moment !
 

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Sounds like the fault was on his end. Great, I'm happy you found a religion that clicks for you. That's great. But why drag me into it, especially if "curiosity" and this religion of yours is incompatible? He could have found a way to have you in his life, even with the religion, but he didn't. So, go find somebody else to be friends with.

Do you have any hobbies? Maybe you can find a organization that does the hobby, meet some people that way.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Well I was with him in that church and they said multiple times "to let your friends go that will lead you to an nonreligious path" So I guess he took that super literal... But yeah I don't get it. This was out of the blue and totally irresponsible and NUTS.

Yes my hobbies are video games, fitness and recently juijitsu. I am trying to make friends but ...hmm I kinda suck with that. Its very slow. But I will keep trying thanks :D
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Sounds like the fault was on his end. Great, I'm happy you found a religion that clicks for you. That's great. But why drag me into it, especially if "curiosity" and this religion of yours is incompatible? He could have found a way to have you in his life, even with the religion, but he didn't. So, go find somebody else to be friends with.

Do you have any hobbies? Maybe you can find a organization that does the hobby, meet some people that way.
Oh also because he believes its his RIGHT as a christian to TELL ME WHAT TO DO. That's why he dragged me into it. Because its his LIFE MISSION. But I just felt like a number in the end. Look this whole experience was a bit nuts to be honest. I got so confused between right and wrong, that part of my mind ( especially me decisions ) became dependent on my friend. It was kinda like I knew whatever I did was wrong, so I did whatever I thought he would have liked. This eventually almost made me do something crazy like beat the pulp out of him...but that was just in my mind...
 

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Oh also because he believes its his RIGHT as a christian to TELL ME WHAT TO DO. That's why he dragged me into it. Because its his LIFE MISSION. But I just felt like a number in the end. Look this whole experience was a bit nuts to be honest. I got so confused between right and wrong, that part of my mind ( especially me decisions ) became dependent on my friend. It was kinda like I knew whatever I did was wrong, so I did whatever I thought he would have liked. This eventually almost made me do something crazy like beat the pulp out of him...but that was just in my mind...
Sounds like an abusive relationship to me, with a heaping helping of "learned helplessness." Granted, not a romantic relationship, but some of the same techniques that can help people recover from an abusive romantic relationship might work here.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Sounds like an abusive relationship to me, with a heaping helping of "learned helplessness." Granted, not a romantic relationship, but some of the same techniques that can help people recover from an abusive romantic relationship might work here.
That's true, however I don't hang out with him anymore or does this have to do with him. I guess its ripple effects of it now affecting all my other relationships.
 

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That's true, however I don't hang out with him anymore or does this have to do with him. I guess its ripple effects of it now affecting all my other relationships.
Exactly. One of those relationships can screw with your head for years to come. Might see about getting some professional counseling. You mentioned CBT? That'll help.
 

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Good riddance of that bible thumper. Anyone who acts like that should get dumped. Hard.

Anyhow, if you really want to find some friends then the easiest way is to connect via common activities and interests. It takes a while to find someone, but partaking in the things you love to do you will find someone else who enjoys it also. However, the more you try to push for a friendship to come and the more effort you put towards it, the less likely it is to happen. Just go out, have fun, do what you like the best.
 

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Don't get stuck. IMPROVISE! Go out there and go to events. Just by BEING there, you will find new friends. The old friends already had a set opinion about you and there's nothing you can do about it. Time to move on. Introduce yourself more often and pick out people you can potentially be friends with. Not sure if they can be your friends? take a risk! Socialize.
Find a situation that's easy for you to introduce yourself. If you go to school, go to events, even if you're shy! If you only work, go out to lunch with co-workers. Talk to them! That's how it all starts.
Also, find an excuse to laugh more, people find it easier to open up to people who laugh often (despite the fact that some don't really laugh). Give them a POSITIVE and appreciative facial expression.

All in all, easier said than done. Just DON'T GIVE UP finding new buddies. You will come across some, I promise. Good luck! =)
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Don't get stuck. IMPROVISE! Go out there and go to events. Just by BEING there, you will find new friends. The old friends already had a set opinion about you and there's nothing you can do about it. Time to move on. Introduce yourself more often and pick out people you can potentially be friends with. Not sure if they can be your friends? take a risk! Socialize.
Find a situation that's easy for you to introduce yourself. If you go to school, go to events, even if you're shy! If you only work, go out to lunch with co-workers. Talk to them! That's how it all starts.
Also, find an excuse to laugh more, people find it easier to open up to people who laugh often (despite the fact that some don't really laugh). Give them a POSITIVE and appreciative facial expression.

All in all, easier said than done. Just DON'T GIVE UP finding new buddies. You will come across some, I promise. Good luck! =)
Thanks. Problem is I'm already doing all this. So I am meeting people yes, but still waiting for some connection. :confused: I do make people laugh all the time. But they are a bit shallow so hmmm. Lol ill keep trying.
 

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I can relate a lot to what you're going through. One of my friends, a Mormon, tried to convert me and when I wouldn't go for it, dropped me as a friend. It really got to me that in the entire five years we were been friends religion was never an issue and we got along great, then suddenly it was a huge deal and ended our friendship. I haven't talked to him in about eight months and from what I heard he went on his mission to Africa and won't be back for two years. But it is what it is and life goes on.

If I were you I 'd try to reconnect with your other friends, try asking them when you can come over rather than asking them to come over. If that doesn't work I'd try to find some new friends. I don't really have any advice in regards to finding friends, though, seeing as I find most of my current friends either through other friends or at college. In other words, dumb luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I can relate a lot to what you're going through. One of my friends, a Mormon, tried to convert me and when I wouldn't go for it, dropped me as a friend. It really got to me that in the entire five years we were been friends religion was never an issue and we got along great, then suddenly it was a huge deal and ended our friendship. I haven't talked to him in about eight months and from what I heard he went on his mission to Africa and won't be back for two years. But it is what it is and life goes on.

If I were you I 'd try to reconnect with your other friends, try asking them when you can come over rather than asking them to come over. If that doesn't work I'd try to find some new friends. I don't really have any advice in regards to finding friends, though, seeing as I find most of my current friends either through other friends or at college. In other words, dumb luck.
Sorry to hear dude. Yeah I know it sucks badly. Lol maybe I can track him down since im in Africa. But nah ~
Yeah i've kinda decided 80% that my current friends are not really my friends. I only have 1 great friend but he is in UK now and Im in South Africa. But this is the best friend I have at the moment - great guy. But I need friend I see on a more regular basis.Thanks man appreciate it.
 
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