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Im an INFJ and ive been dating a campaigner for the past four months, plus I've had a best friend who was also one for pretty much all my life. We've just now had our first fight because I got mad at her.

Sometimes ENFPs seem to have a set of places they can possibly direct their attention to a lot bigger than that of any introvert: my "friend list" has a number of people in it which is equal to my girlfriend's divided by about 52. She has an enourmous ease to go from one environment, one opinion and one mindset to another judging by the people shes with.
Plus ENFPs are pretty much the only people I can have fun with: fun is definitely an INFJs decision making process. We do things not from enjoyment and enthusiasm: we're rather driven by a dutifull sense of feeling and of love communication, which sums up to our views of ethics. We need people with a very good sense of pleasure in order to properly laugh and be wreckless for a while. That's the reason I've pretty much only had fun around enfps or enfjs throughout my life.
I was bothered though because the enfp love language is extremely dependant on enthusiasm. Ive called my girlfriend last night and tried to flirt for a little while and ended up pissed because she answered monossilabically and couldnt hold her attention to things that were reffering to the two of us, how was our day and how we felt, and that didnt concern other people out of the couple. That has been rather constant for the past two weeks.
What an Fe person would have thought is she was simply not interested enough to listen to the subtleties of what we both went there to say and feel. It made me feel like a bedside book that she would pay attention to when tired of other affairs and not willing to value when more interesting things are present. Have you ever felt like someone thinks of you as that one acquaintance who they can have fun with and then simply forget about for the following week?
What concerned me the most, though, was that we talked for pretty much a day straight and she wasn't present enought to even figure out that I was mad... How can I feel loved in moments in which her interest is simply led to be in a shitload of stuff except for me, and her love and sense of responsibility towards it- which are the things that are supposed to keep her in touch in these moments- don't really show up to work in the morning?
What am I doing or feeling that is wrong? Who's hurting who? Am I misinterpreting love languages?
If not, how can I get used to being loved by someone whose presence and will to be with me seem to come and go like her enthusiasm for a novel?
 

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Oh my gosh, my poor husband....
Before you even brought up the word "book" or "novel" I was thinking to myself: "Was she in the middle of a novel?" Lol That's usually what is happening if I'm not present on the phone-- it means I'm reading something else... got stuck in Wikipedia or reading a book... and that's crazy rude, isn't it? And so hard to put down if it's in a good exciting part or if I was absolutely engrossed in the info and there was a piece of info I was curious about....
Actually my whole family is putting up with me doing this a LOT lately because I joined PerC in September. My daughter got mad and I'm afraid I said, "Well then lets go somewhere or do something interactive to tempt me back to earth."
So I want to ask my husband how he deals with this. Mostly he expresses: "Hey, you're not listening and you hate it when I do that." and that shakes me out of it.
It's not that her interest for you is low. Please know that. It is that there is-- okay this might not be the best analogy I'm kind of not liking it, but it's the one that is coming to me and I can't seem to shake it---- it's like there are butterflies all around me and I've got a butterfly net and I'm trying to catch them all--- but there are always more, it can get pretty exhilarating. So something has to shake me out of that mode and say, "It's not butterfly time right now, put down the net please and listen." And then my attention is right on them like it should have been and the person I'm talking to is my focus.
I'm sorry. It's not because you're not loved or important. You might want to have a talk with her about this, say how it makes you feel uncared about and develop some kind of humorous way to get her out of butterfly land and put down the net. Like right now if I told my husband about this I think we'd start saying, "Put down the net, I need you." I think sometimes he does say to me, "Hey I need you." and that works. He's more important than the prettiest shiniest butterflies... it just felt like I couldn't stop.
Okay, stopping now.
Please know our Ne does this to us-- try to think of the humor of it. She's been romping around a meadow and will want to show you the butterflies she caught, by the way.
 

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Oh, I read your post over again. Something might be bothering her/distracting her. I at first just took it like my usual Ne flew off to butterfly land and I had to catch one more butterfly, which is very common. If I'm reading then I'm in and out of conversation with people I love. And notice how focused we are on you when we are focused, so imagine if that focus happened to be on finding some information. But she was like this for 2 days? You're going to need to talk it out. Does she seem happily oblivious or nervously/sadly oblivious? I'm trying to think if a novel I was reading ever got me this bad... I think it did. I think Harry Potter books might have and another one about Kind Arthur. My imagination just lived there until I was done with the book and could come back. I think when something really sad happens that I have to process then I'm like this OR honestly if I'm worried about my relationships. Talk to her about your feelings and ask her what is going on. Sorry that my first impression didn't get the whole picture.
 

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Im an INFJ and ive been dating a campaigner for the past four months, plus I've had a best friend who was also one for pretty much all my life. We've just now had our first fight because I got mad at her.

Sometimes ENFPs seem to have a set of places they can possibly direct their attention to a lot bigger than that of any introvert: my "friend list" has a number of people in it which is equal to my girlfriend's divided by about 52. She has an enourmous ease to go from one environment, one opinion and one mindset to another judging by the people shes with.
Plus ENFPs are pretty much the only people I can have fun with: fun is definitely an INFJs decision making process. We do things not from enjoyment and enthusiasm: we're rather driven by a dutifull sense of feeling and of love communication, which sums up to our views of ethics. We need people with a very good sense of pleasure in order to properly laugh and be wreckless for a while. That's the reason I've pretty much only had fun around enfps or enfjs throughout my life.
I was bothered though because the enfp love language is extremely dependant on enthusiasm. Ive called my girlfriend last night and tried to flirt for a little while and ended up pissed because she answered monossilabically and couldnt hold her attention to things that were reffering to the two of us, how was our day and how we felt, and that didnt concern other people out of the couple. That has been rather constant for the past two weeks.
What an Fe person would have thought is she was simply not interested enough to listen to the subtleties of what we both went there to say and feel. It made me feel like a bedside book that she would pay attention to when tired of other affairs and not willing to value when more interesting things are present. Have you ever felt like someone thinks of you as that one acquaintance who they can have fun with and then simply forget about for the following week?
What concerned me the most, though, was that we talked for pretty much a day straight and she wasn't present enought to even figure out that I was mad... How can I feel loved in moments in which her interest is simply led to be in a shitload of stuff except for me, and her love and sense of responsibility towards it- which are the things that are supposed to keep her in touch in these moments- don't really show up to work in the morning?
What am I doing or feeling that is wrong? Who's hurting who? Am I misinterpreting love languages?
If not, how can I get used to being loved by someone whose presence and will to be with me seem to come and go like her enthusiasm for a novel?
I can sympathize with this. When you really like/love someone, you want those feelings to be reciprocated. In your world/perspective, when those feelings don't seem to be coming back to you, it's a terrible feeling. Like being the low man on the totem pole in their life. Like you're not as important. It's a hollowing and lonely experience. Like Alesha said, I'd talk to her about this. Communication is very important. I'm going to have a talk with my girlfriend about this as well. "Here's my perspective on things - when I need you, and I don't get the emotional security that I need in that moment, I feel _____." "Am I reading too far into things, do you feel this way?" Without that honest talk, those negative feelings will fester and resentment may occur. And they will have no idea. Be strong man. I was thinking about it - in my relationship, I feel like the roles are reversed. I have all these feelings and am hurt because of such and such. I feel resentful and unappreciated because all the love I put out doesn't get reciprocated in the way I think it should be. And this is where communication has to happen. I'm old enough and I dare say, wise enough to see this. So I will go on my merry way and try to be as caring and open as I have been, but the talk needs to happen. Because I like her enough to keep trying, to see from every side, to make it work. These are your feelings and they are real. They have festered as a result of a lack of acknowledgement. Or else everything would still be ok. So have that conversation and see where it goes. In a mature, honest, and open way. Best of luck man, I'll need it too.
 

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Basically what Alesha said. If she's zoned out, there's a reason. It could be something preoccupying her imagination, she could be trying to deal with a problem, etc. Ask her to invite you into her head.

My husband actually has developed a phrase for this - "Where are you?"

I (and I think ENFPs in general) check out pretty often and it can be really hard to reel us back in. I can sit on the couch looking like I'm completely stoned for 3 hours while I'm off in my own little world.

 

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First off, talking on the phone is something I despise and would be the worst way of getting her attention. If you want to talk to me then a Skype call where I can see your face is the only way to grab my attention, it's as though simply being able to look at things which are completely unrelated to the conversation will start my mind wondering unless I have a focus to look at. Ne often feeds off of the environment. I rely on body language more than word choice to empathise.

Next, we don't read other people like you do. We don't rely on subtle cues to paint a picture (not that we can't) and honestly if you want her to know how you feel then you are going to have to tell her. It took me a little while to adapt to the INFJs way of communication. After a bit I almost became fluent in it but I'm sure there were still cues that I missed because there were still secrets that she kept from me probably because she had this expectation for me to draw the same conclusion as her.

You should tell her about the importance you put on talking about your feelings because I would normally zone off or feel uninspired by a conversation about "how was your day?" And see it as nothing more than small talk instead of actual bonding conversation. I'm inspired by conversations where I can engage Ne, conversations that allow me to ask "what if?"

And yeah, I do feel like a lot of my friends just see me as the friend who they have fun with and forget about and that's hurtful and lonely.
 
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