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How does an ENFP handle a brutal and public rejection ? You think you've got the person wrapped up, and suddenly your rejected in a callous way and never saw it coming.

How does an ENFP react to this both initially and over the passing years? Is this a constant horrible memory from which you never recover?

Would you ever forgive and be friends with the person who rejected you? Date them even? What circumstances would allow you to forgive the person or become closer to the person?







 

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Emotionally, anything brutal can have lasting effects on an ENFP. I would feel a hot wave of shame and mortification with each recollection of the moment, though I did nothing wrong. Maybe over time I would talk myself into believing 'we were young,' stuff happens, he was a total jerk etc. And I might get over it to some extent, but the memory would probaly sting for a very long time.

I don't think I would trust anyone who has been brutal or callous with me, unless he came to me with sincere repentance over the harm he caused me. I would still be cautious and may or may not allow him into my life. I may because ENFPs give second chances; we give the benefit of the doubt, but I may not because I'm old enough to have learned, I don't have to allow anyone in my life. It's my choosing. I would explain my position in a gentle but direct manner, that either trust would need to be built over time or that I'm sorry, it isn't something I'm interested in at this time. Thank you for wanting to make amends. I really appreciate it.

Forgive? Definitely! But forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean a renewed relationship. As an example, I can forgive the man who stole something from my house but in no way would I give him the key to my house, just because I forgave him. Forgiveness changes nothing in that person, only in me and my own outlook. I can forgive a man who is brutal in his rejection but I don't see us hanging out, sharing our lives. Unless I see confirmation that he has changed or really wants to be a kinder person. But maybe not even then.
 

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Snowy pretty much hit it on the dot. If I was brutally, publicly rejected, even looking at the person who did it to me could make me feel what I felt that day all over again. That can make it hard to forgive someone for whatever they did, let alone let them back into my personal life.
 

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It's funny that an INTJ is asking this question... especially given the phrasing.

My last serious relationship was an INTJ. That is pretty much what went down. The bitch can rot in hell.

We recover. It takes an enormous amount of time and energy.
 

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I am having a hard time wording this exactly how I want in order to convey what I mean but here it goes...


When I am rejected, I must, MUST prove to the person I don't care that they rejected me and then get them to regret rejecting me. I hate, HATE rejection. It is probably one of my biggest fears along with abandonment. When I feel rejected, I try to appear aloof--as though the rejection has no effect on me and the person doing the rejecting misjudged how much energy I had invested in them. I will try to play it so cool in hopes that the person will eventually be like "Damn, maybe I was wrong about her...I wonder if she would give me another shot".

This is how I have dealt with rejection from people, institutions, groups, etc. in the past.

Eventually, I will get over it, but as Musikaman said above, it takes a hell of awhile.
 

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Yes, I can see not wanting them to know the devastating effect the rejection has had on you. But, even if I handled it calmly at the time, if they approach me again I would be very honest about the harm and hurt they caused me and would not likely trust them again. I would be more likely to cry in that conversation than I did when it happened.

If you're faced with a choice to have a relationship on any level, be serious in thinking about what you can handle or deal with; use your intiutive forward-thinkingness to imagine what it will be like, how you might feel. Even if you're wrong, it can help you decide.

A public brutal rejection is powerful, POWERFUL aversion therapy for me. If I was attracted to that person or idealized them, it will create a gigantic, hot, inward cringe that will make me avoid them and any place I associate with the rejection. I will always remember that moment and will not put myself in places or situations that remind me. They are immediately deleted from my contacts.
 

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Maybe forgive..... NEVER forget and almost never, ever let them do that you you again...
our memories are forever.....

(yep there is an ex story here lol 27 yr marriage)
 

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If you're faced with a choice to have a relationship on any level, be serious in thinking about what you can handle or deal with; use your intiutive forward-thinkingness to imagine what it will be like, how you might feel. Even if you're wrong, it can help you decide.
Ok, here is what I was originally writing...


I agree with you in theory, but I think if I were put in the situation I would put my feelings aside to not hurt them. Maybe this has something to do with my F being a lot strong than my N?

I'm not really sure cause I don't think I've ever really experienced this situation. I mean, I can think of rejections that have really effected me, but I can't really think of any that were particularly public or brutal (thankfully). Maybe my response would be different in these cases


But then, I did remember a semi-public rejection that really hurt and I remember holding a grudge for a long time. I don't know if I have forgiven so much as forgotten, because I really had forgotten about it until reading this thread and really thinking back though I remembered not liking him much. I can't even recall all the details, but I can remember how I felt. I remember being sad and mortified and then trying to salvage my ego.
 

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yes kaycee, I also tend to be kind to someone and hope it will be good when we see eachother, even after we have parted for some reason. I rarely lose a friendship or love, but if it happens that someone is brutal or cruel, I don't mess around trying to figure it out any more. I let it go. That is the natural consequence. They no longer have a front row seat to my life and I will live without being a part of theirs.

I'm a late bloomer in the area of judgment. Before, I would reconcile because of a misdirected sense of obligation. He is sorry, therefore I must be willing to try. I have learned this is not the case. If I see that person on some occasion, I will not be rude, but will not engage them either.

All my life I've had a knack for forgetting slights. Almost like a form of amnesia. The problem with that is, the person who hurt me never experienced reasonable, natural consequences for bad behavior, so it went on for years longer than it probably would have. If someone rejects me or is cruel, I don't worry about making it work anymore.
 

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Somewhat relating to what Snowy said concerning forgetting slights, I have a hard time understanding people who hold grudges against others for certain events. I just don't have the energy to expend on hating someone for something they did--once--and may never have realized what they did.

I hope that makes sense. :p
 

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yes, it does make sense. I almost always wake up feeling happy and forget the bad stuff, but sometimes I have to be 'realistic' (this isn't a strength of mine.) and remember why it didn't work or what might happen if I allow it.
then I promptly forget it again. Darnit!
 

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What if being realistic means you know it's just going to happen again and again, because the most denominator in all those rejection is, in the end, yourself?

How the hell do you deal with that without wanting to push the reset button?
 

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i usually know damn well the reason i have been rejected and don't blame the other person at all. looking back over past relationships i know exactly why i was rejected.
 
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What if being realistic means you know it's just going to happen again and again, because the most denominator in all those rejection is, in the end, yourself?

How the hell do you deal with that without wanting to push the reset button?
oh what i wouldn't give for a reset button!
 

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Discussion Starter #15
From Musikaman

"It's funny that an INTJ is asking this question... especially given the phrasing."


Why is that?

To be honest I don't feel much different than you guys.... I am just much more closed off and preemptively reject others before they can reject me. It works in a sense.
 

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From Musikaman

"It's funny that an INTJ is asking this question... especially given the phrasing."


Why is that?
Simply because the most devastating break-up I've ever had was from an INTJ and that's more or less what went down.
 

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How does an ENFP handle a brutal and public rejection ? You think you've got the person wrapped up, and suddenly your rejected in a callous way and never saw it coming.

How does an ENFP react to this both initially and over the passing years? Is this a constant horrible memory from which you never recover?

Would you ever forgive and be friends with the person who rejected you? Date them even? What circumstances would allow you to forgive the person or become closer to the person?

I can only speak from my own personal experience. While I really hate carrying grudges around, I find such a situation as you describe to be a complete and total trust-killer. If anyone did that to me (and they have) I could never fully trust them enough to be close friends. I am not a masochist, and anyone who simply was clueless enough to think that I was is going to be bitterly disappointed by this fact.

So far, I have gone through this twice in my life. Both of these men are poison to me, which is worse than them being "dead" to me as the saying goes. The dead you can bury. Poison must be avoided at all costs or else I'd be damned in a hell only the living can experience.

I hope this answers your question.
 

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From Musikaman

"It's funny that an INTJ is asking this question... especially given the phrasing."


Why is that?

To be honest I don't feel much different than you guys.... I am just much more closed off and preemptively reject others before they can reject me. It works in a sense.
It may work well for you, but it is utterly devastating to the other party. You may want to re-think your M.O. if you really want to find (for lack of a better word) love.
 

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I am only now realizing the distress I have caused a particular ENFP about 10 years ago (in high school). It definitely does not feel good that I could have caused such intense negative emotions in another without even realizing it. Young INTJs are clueless in these sorts of circumstances. I am still pretty clueless.
 

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What if being realistic means you know it's just going to happen again and again, because the most denominator in all those rejection is, in the end, yourself?

How the hell do you deal with that without wanting to push the reset button?
This reminds me of something I found funny.

A man has been seeing a psychologist for the better part of 13 years. The man does not suffer from any particular form of neurosis or psychosis, but rather enjoys the frank conversations he has once a week. Sometimes venting, other times reflecting. He had come to see the psychologist as rather a great friend. Always prepared to listen and offer insightful questions or ideas.
In the course of their time together, the man shared much of his life with his weekly friend. Of particular interest to our story, is the segment of his life the man devoted to women. He loved them. Cherished them. Worked hard to make them happy. The psychologist has been with the man through three failed marriages and a good dose of love affairs past.

"I don't get it. Really, I don't. What is it? Tell me Doc, you know. I've shared everything with you. What's wrong with these women? Every one of them. This is the third damn divorce and I really think I have had enough. What the fuck?"

"What would you say all three of these women have in common ****** ?"

"They are fucked? They want to ruin my life? I don't understand dammit!...... the.."

"I'm sorry?"

"It's the ....(slightly overwhelmed with emotion. Eyes well up.A couple tear resistance fighters manage to escape and roll down his cheek)...the cheating....you know? That shit hurts."

"..."

"Every one of my wives cheated one me. What the fuck? After all I have given them... done for them..."

"I ask you again. What do you believe they might have in common?"

"....(thinking in to the distance for some time).... I don't know. They come from different backgrounds, ethnically, economically, geographically....Some overlap in personalities... but they were all different kinds people... I am sure of that. So are you....right?..."

"Yes I would agree to that. From all our discussions on the matter... "

"..Yeah so... I am not sure. It's not like I treated them any differently. I was always myself...the romantic sap...they were all different. Helen was so innocent, Michele was so wild and liberating, Angela was so pure, Carolina was so righteous, Novina so exotic..."

"You are speaking about more than just the women you've been married to."

"Well... you know already... We've been there several times. I don't want to bore you all over again....
I just look back you know...I loved every one of them... was prepared to give them my entire life....
Nothing...
I don't know...
That's what they all have in common I guess... they are all past failed loves. I did my best."

"Allow me to be frank. May I?

"Yes. Of course Doc. Shit, I am a little offended you even still ask."

The psychologist leans back in to his chair. He lays his glasses on the tiny desk in front of him and runs his fingers through his hair as he slowly takes in a deep breath and says,

"It's YOU, you fukin Idiot! What they all have common is YOU! The common denominator is you and any suffering you might have incurred, more often than not, has been of your own free will. Wake the fuck up!"

Sorry... that was a very long story that might not have been funny to some of you.... aah hahaa ha. Sorry though. Really.

Anyways. The Reset Button? Depends on the metaphor. I think grim when I read that. Loaded gun grim. It's just a thought though. Sometimes I picture bombs falling on various parts of the city I am walking through...blasting away the meaninglessness of existence... but it's just an amusing thought. Oddly this only comes to mind when I am living in NA. I would never hurt anyone freely.

I think at that point, before reaching for the reset button, you take one gigantic leap back. From everything. Get in to your head, soul, whatever.... and clear the scales. Slowly start adding ideas you are comfortable with and believe in with a healthy dose of whatever makes you happy. When the internal scales are balanced, you are re-centered, confident, and happy... you can pick up the game of life and continue experiencing/playing/conquering/ and being the all around bad ass ENFP you know you are!



Re: the thread.

See above. I think the same principal applies to being rejected, as far as recovery is concerned. We heal. It takes time like everyone says, but secretly we are proud of the scars our hearts and souls bare. We are stronger for it. Wiser.

Upon initial reaction though?
A hot rod of near molten steal has just been driven through me. You publicly, brutally, humiliated me? Are you fucked? I will rip your damn head off! Unless....I love you. If I do... then the rod has pierced my ribs and destroyed my heart. I have fallen on my knees in pain/shock/death... Sometimes literally (if no-one is around) or Internally...if I can avoid making a public spectacle of myself.
Quickly I will forgive. This is rather for my own peace of soul rather than yours. I can not harbor true hate, pain, suffering, etc in my heart for long. Forgiveness allows me to let go of those feelings and let them simmer in the back of my mind for a while rather than allow them to pull on my fibers of being in day to day existence. It will brew back there for a looong time... but once I have made up my mind to cut you from my life...in reference to another post.... I might consider allowing the ushers to give you a seat somewhere in the back, where you might be allowed to observe quietly and not disturb me on any significant level.

Not sure about you guys... but I can not remain friends with anyone I loved once the relationship is over. Not in any sort of meaningful way. Yes, I will add you to face book. No, our roads no longer travel along the same path, nor do they merge at any point.

Sorry... that's a long response. Felt inspired for some reason.
 
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