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Discussion Starter #1
Overview: What this is about

I am on a mission to change my life and want to document this along the way for others to see and learn from. I want to keep track of my progress and have some indirect guidance from others, so I can report to them rather than just myself. I have been thinking long and hard about many different aspects of my own life and in which ways I can and need to improve them.

However, in order to do this I need to be very open; it is not easy for me. On top of that I will sometimes have troubles explaining or expressing myself clearly. This thread and documentation won't be perfect, but I'm genuinely trying my best. Thanks in advance for your understanding.


  • What do you expect from us?
I know that there’s plenty of self help books and everything. Some sites even have free and anonymous counseling. There's an incredibly vast amount of sources, wisdom, tips, instructions and examples. Just search "change your life" on google.

Basically I am very self aware and aware of many aspects in life. There is so much information. Many of the aspects require and deserve their own attention, and many of them can be reshaped to personal preferences. This clutters my mind and headspace. For example: Currently I have 13.000 bookmarks (down from even 43.000 !) for review. There is so much out there in terms of ideas and information which I want to utilise and maybe implement parts of in my life. However, it is simply too much and scattered all over the place. This may be a typical INFP problem where there are many projects and interests, but only few tangible actions.

This is all weighing really heavy on my mind and it frustrates me. I want to do at least SOMETHING, but I understand that everyone who eventually reads my input here will also interpret it all in their own ways.


Content: Guidelines on how I’m going about this

  • Why not simply write without too much restrictions?
It is impossible to do this without some sort of structure to it. If I just ramble about my life, it will be boring for you as well as for me. I want to have something stable in my life I can use to orient myself by throughout my life. Wanting to have a little bit of order is necessary for someone who is messy and chaotic internally.

  • How will you structure it?
I hope I'll figure it out while posting stuff. As you see I'm trying to use bold titles, different terms and formatting in general to achieve this. The typical INFP approach; to figure it out and flesh it out along the way.

  • The 10 areas of life
The content of my thoughts and stuff can be categorized into 10 different areas of life, which I compiled and developed after intensive research on google.

They are as follows:

  1. General: Stuff that doesn't belong to any other area or are overarching like; habits, routines, sleep, ideas. A specific habit may fall into another section, like the ''habit of jogging'', this could fall under bullet point 8.
  2. Spiritual: Beliefs, values, meditating, being mindful and spiritual study (e.g. reading more on Buddhism)
  3. Intellectual: educate myself on politics, sciences, learning skills, memory
  4. Psychological: Fears, emotions, mental states, addiction, neurotic behaviour etc..
  5. Social: communication, listening skills, my social circle, how I socialize, love life ...
  6. Professional: Finances, job, saving money
  7. Recreational: Film, music, reading novels, some hobbies
  8. Physical: Nutrition, fitness, body maintenance
  9. Local: keeping my room clean and in order, moving out
  10. Material (everything else ends in -al): clothes, storing stuff, minimalism, electronic devices

I hope you get a sense of how useful I think thinking in terms of life areas can be.


Context: Why I am doing this

  • How does your past look like ?
 
I might go deeper than this, but the relevant part starts about 8 months ago. After having visited something like "academic high school" (different educational systems are hard to explain) I was recruited for military service in my country. Because I wanted to go to university I decided to serve my service in one go. After a month of very hard and relentless training it started to have its toll on me. I began having some sort of panic attacks from time to time. They eventually grew more and more frequent until I had them every day. To spare you unnecessary detail: they let me go home before Christmas. I was declared double-unfit. That's when I started to speak to a psychotherapist every couple of weeks. Apart from occasionally going to job interviews and keeping up with old friends, I had nothing to do. I let myself go, sleeping in and being extraordinary lazy. I spend my typical day on the internet, devouring movies and series and consuming porn. Whatever you imagine the situation to be like, it is neither a pleasant one nor one you can easily pull yourself out of. What you'll read in my current situation below has more or less been my current situation for the last 5 months, slowly getting worse and then staying at a low.


  • Whats your current situation?
 

  1. General: I'm staying up until one or four o'clock in the morning, just to sleep in. I have no energy and only a little motivation to engage in activities apart from my unhealthy routine. I have many unhealthy, unproductive habits and addictions. Finding balance in life is a struggle, no wonder!
  2. Spiritual: The military event pulled away the ground from under my feet. My values and beliefs have turned upside down or been scattered. My life philosophy got darker and less healthy. I tried to meditate, but I couldn't bring myself to stick to it, although I felt that it's worth to pursue further. I engage in much low-consciousness behaviour and the equilibrium shifted to an increasingly unbearable place.
  3. Intellectual: My ability to think decreased after leaving the educational system; I rarely have to calculate, read scientific or foreign-language texts and formulate, conclude and research my answers. It isn't as bad as it sounds, but me a year ago had so much better grades than I would have now that I'm deeply ashamed of it. The internet is some kind of substitute to reading and learning though, but the only real book I read (incompletely) was a book my father gave me called "To feel comfortable". I'm starting my study of ethnology (major) and geography (minor) this autumn/fall.
  4. Psychological: Long ago I tried journaling many times and kept a journal somewhat successfully, but I somehow stopped it. I got more neurotic and my mood is very unstable, but I'm very happy for some time every other day, despite my situation. I have a lot of (social) anxiety to keep it short although I went to a party with a hundred people from which I knew only a handful, and I'm proud of it. Also, I often feel restless, sad and hopeless and angry at myself and different things.
  5. Social: I have occasional contact with friends from school and recently started to chat with them over Whatsapp more often. I have a good relationship with many of them, but I don't have that many respectively that I'd like to get to know them better and be closer. In my love life I've got some people I like a bit better but nothing is going there. I'm not in a position to think about having a partner, and this statement isn't self deprecating in the least. I don't have problems with my family other than that they pressure me into finding a job for my own sake, so that I don't rot in my room but go out and get a routine going.
  6. Professional: No job, a bit of money in the bank account, not many expenses because living at home. Incredibly difficult to find a job.
  7. Recreational: I'm a film enthusiast. I can't say how many movies and series I've seen in my lifetime, but I don't really want to know the hours spent on them. I really like film and at one point I wanted to become a regisseur or producer. I often listen to audiobooks about buddhism, consciousness and psychology and real books. To be precise; every single day before going to sleep. I care for our family dog and rarely I shop groceries or cook with mother.
  8. Physical: I'm pretty tall (more than 6') and just at the border to being underweight, and I've been like this my whole life. No matter how much I eat, I stay the same. I'm not very strong; I couln't lift my military buddies when training to carry them into safety. I jogged for a longer period of time and I'm pretty athletic. I was in the handball team at school and trained in a course of my sports teacher to get stronger. Currently I'm walking with my dog a lot but I sit in front of my laptop or lie in bed (watching movies). My small pushup routine is long forgotten. To be honest, I don't take as much care of my body as would be required from anybody. Note: I do take showers and brush my teeth. I'm feeling intense shame right now. I also have many blackheads and pimples, and my I haven't cut my hair since military service.
  9. Local: Surprisingly my bedroom is less chaotic than during school, although I should tidy it up. It has seen some worse times but doing nothing all day makes you clean your room by itself. I'm pretty messy with certain things and it's hard to maintain order and find things.
  10. Material: I really like the idea of minimalism. I buy clothes like once or twice a year, I'm an absolute fashion newbie and many of my clothes are from our relatives and many other people would've sorted our many of my clothes. If I did that, I have only a few things left. From the things I'm wearing, I've more sweaters than shirts and I share socks and underwear with my brothers, they don't belong to one person only. My laptop's screen mounting is seriously broken, is being held by only one thingy and is held together by tape. I can see the cables as the boarding broke off. I'm just lazy to buy a new one as I would have to sort out the mess of documents, pictures and bookmarks I want to keep and safe them on some external data storage, it's not because I don't have the money to. That shouldn't sound pretentious, although it does. I know I'm the one not earning and still living with his family.

  • How can I profit from this thread?
I think INFP tend to dislike categories; they like to surround themselfes in a mystical veil, be private and shy. I want to grant you to see behind the curtain, so as to inspire you. It might help you in one way or another. I'm determined and go about this with a healthy realism and logic, therefore sharing private and intimate things.

The basics I want to elaborate
There are 4 basic ideas I want to make clear in order for you to understand my frame of reference. I will use them to structure my thoughts and put things in relation to one another. They are like a map in a sense.


  • The first idea were the 10 life areas to put things in order.

  • The second idea: Hierarchy of values, thoughts and goals
Example:
be (get) fit and healthy
get strongdevelop endurancehave a well groomed appearance
lift weights at the fitness studiogo 20 min. jogging tomorrow morningbrush your teeth 2x/day

This hierarchy can be used to have a connection between your goal and what you have to do to achieve it - between abstract and tangible. The interesting part is, that it's so versatile; you can apply it to anything with any complexity.


And at the bottom are exactly 3 things: what I do, think and feel.

These three things I’m able to change, nothing else.



  • The third idea: what you think and say is one thing, but what you do matters at the end of the day. I’m prone to talking a lot and high words while at the same time not doing sh*t. Value action over inaction. I have to remind me of this idea daily.

  • The fourh idea: Ones personality is fragmentet, not whole. There are many different parts of you, and you are not one homogenous thing. One part of you wants to engage in an unhealthy behaviour like eating chips, while another part or even your conscience says "no, I want to stop this!" This realization gives me enough understanding and compassion for myself and my behavior to forgive, accept and hopefully overcome my struggles.


So, that was a long and very abstract introduction. If you made it this far, congratulations!

I don't expect a particular kind of answer; I welcome any suggestions, constructive criticism, support, relating with me and generally how you feel about this.

Best wishes

-Baf
 

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You know, you really start to make me think about a few things in my life now as well. :tongue: But in a good way because I find that at least I am sometimes closing my eyes to my very own problems etc. I just find it easier trying to help other people than looking at myself and taking care of myself. Does that make sense? Anyway, keep this up!!
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Inspiration

I shy away from posting too much too fast out of fear of overestimating myself and using up all my initial motivation.

Here's one of the people I value highly and who's a personal hero of mine. No, he's THE personal hero. He explains what I'm trying to do generally and in a very different way:

 


He really inspires me to do this. Although it's a video and therefor external, it has touched me deeply and inspired me to start this thread. Inspiration is when some external motivation is reproduced and adapted inside oneself. I want to share it with you, because to me its some of the smartest, most insightful things anyone ever said. Jordan Peterson is screaming his thruth forward right into everyone who listens to this.
At least I felt that way.

Because we think of our lifes as narratives that have to make sense, it understand the need to attribute change to something you can understand and tell someone. Nothing "clicked" while watching this video for me. It was insightful among many other things, but it wasn't the only reason.

I was looking a long time for something external that "clicked" with me to change myself, but retrospectively I was only looking for a quick fix and cheap solution to the problem that deep deep down I didn't really want to change. I was and still am caught up in victim mentality and as weird as it sounds, staying in my situation has its benefits.

I dind't overcome those problems, but admitting them is the first step in growing and letting them behind me.


@canadafreak86 Yes you do make sense. Cheesyness aside, looking inward at ones own shortcomings is always harder than judging everything and everyone around you. INFP might shy away from judging because they project themselfes onto things and they want to be accepted, not judged.

I really hope you grow and learn alongside me.
 

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I'm glad to see you're exercising (always a good start), what numbers on the list are most important to you, which circumstances can you quickly improve, and what would it take to do that?

I want to give you a bunch of advice on what to do, but it's just basically common sense shit, like get a job asap!!!!!. It wouldn't appeal to you, and it sure as hell wouldn't have appealed to me either at your age. I would probably have been offended, and would've thought that person didn't understand me, or could relate to why I was conflicted about finding a profession.

The two things that helped me the most was having freedom and getting experience, which essentially allowed me to form some sense of who I was, and gave those numbers on your list a purpose to me.

Keep up the good work Baf, keep your head up, and damn man things'll work out.
 

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Discussion Starter #5 (Edited)
Humble beginnings

I'm glad to see you're exercising (always a good start), what numbers on the list are most important to you, which circumstances can you quickly improve, and what would it take to do that?
I'm visiting Aikido class two times a week, my statement about lifting weights was just an example. The most important numbers are Nr. 4: Psychological and Nr. 8: Physical, because I want to improve my mental and physical health first.

Some things fit more or less, but my circadian rythm is the one circumstance I can improve quickly and it will affect every single life area of mine.

Tying in on this idea, the following video makes many noteable points about sleep:

 



I don't want to precipitate anything, therefore I'm starting off with small but doable steps:

  • No laptop or phone in bed. It's so comfortable watching movies with the laptop in your lap, but from now on I'm abstaining from that. (so that my brain associates bed with sleeping and not any other things)
  • No lying in bed during the day. This sucks my energy out of me and I've read on multiple occasions that this can lead to or is sign of depression. (so I'm less tired during day and can sleep more easily when I actually am at night)
  • I'll abstain from electronic devices one hour before I go to sleep, in this case shutting off phone and laptop after 10 pm. (for the blue light receptors, although I already have some nighttime colour filter installed, that my mind is less artificially agitated)
  • I'm walking the dog after 10 pm or simply go for a walk on my own. (to get fresh air, movement and the necessary input of a little bit "coldness" to fall asleep faster and sleep better as explained)
  • After this, I'll read a bit of english literature. The time can be used for meditating and journaling as well, but I'm getting ahead of myself here. (to learn more, my pree-sleep routine as anchors)
  • Sleeping at 11 pm as a start
  • waking up at 7 am
  • drinking a lot before going for a walk (I want to replace this later with jogging or some other exercise, to get sunlight between 6 and 8 pm to reset my "body clock")
  • showering and brushing my teeth etc. (later maybe a cold shower challenge when all of the things described have long become routine)

I don't expect to make it without misdoing some steps, baybe for over a month. Therefore to keep track of these points I'm writing a short checklist. When I did everything right I'm drawing a bit fat smiley on the whole checklist, otherwise I'm noting that "I've lied in bed for 3 hours after the alarm went off." Visualizing progress and stuff.

I'm still trying to get a job. In the past you could've gone to the store and ask if they have a job for you and they always could use some help, but nowadays without bachelors/masters or apprenticeship and work experience pretty much anything falls flat. Maybe McDonnalds is looking for employees.


The two things that helped me the most was having freedom and getting experience, which essentially allowed me to form some sense of who I was, and gave those numbers on your list a purpose to me.
I wrote this down. I'm sure it is good life experience and wisdom I can't understand yet.


Keep up the good work Baf, keep your head up, and damn man things'll work out.
Thanks a lot! :blushed:

I'll just go ahead and assume responsibility towards you or whoever reads this and update regularly on the ckecklist.

PS: I've talked to a friend who holds me responsible as well, so I can't chicken out and just make up some excuses for myself and my behaviour. The latter is incredibly easy if you are the only person to hold something against yourself.
 

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Oh the horrible thing called sleep. I know that I should pretty much do exactly what you are trying to do as well to get better sleep. My only problem is though that my really good friend is from the USA and the only time that we can really chat is when it is evening or night here. It is not too much of a problem when I have holidays like now but when I still have to work the next day, well sometimes I end up walking around like a Zombie. It can really affect my sleep pattern but on the other hand it is good for my mental health as he makes me laugh, I can talk to him about my problems like with no one else and over all I feel better after talking to him compared to when we can't chat. It sucks and yeah, I always try to find a middle way, so that both, my sleep pattern and mental health, are getting satisfied but it is damn hard!
 
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Discussion Starter #7
Checklist: day 1

A checklist update, not the most exciting thing but whatever I decided to do. Tagging these is less beneficial I think. But iff anyone whishes so, I'll adopt it readily.

I made two out of nine, it's a start

I'm appreciating the good things and not going into excuses and whitewashing of the things I didn't achieve, so I don't feed into them by justifying them in regards to my conscience.

Checklist: day 1 (2/9)

No laptop or phone in bed.I watched an episode Taboo before 10 pm...
No lying in bed during the day.... in bed
I'll abstain from electronic devices one hour before I go to sleep (after 10 pm).I had a burning question to ask someone
I'm walking the dog after 10 pm or simply go for a walk on my own.went well, it's very relaxing. Being grateful for a warm and comfy house is easier when you freeze at your fingers and feet on the outside
After this, I'll read a bit.nope
Go to sleep at 11 pmtried to, couldn't, was frustrated and browsed 9gag on the phone instead
waking up at 7 ammore like 9 am after snoozing at 7
drinking a lot before going for a walk in the morning-
showering and bathroom-stuffyes

What do you think about the two videos I posted by the way?
Would you say using these sorts of videos as supportive tools is a good idea or not, like "just distracts from the main goal"? I'm unsure about this. There's hardly any post except updates I couldn't accompany by informative videos.

Oh the horrible thing called sleep. I know that I should pretty much do exactly what you are trying to do as well to get better sleep. My only problem is though that my really good friend is from the USA and the only time that we can really chat is when it is evening or night here. It is not too much of a problem when I have holidays like now but when I still have to work the next day, well sometimes I end up walking around like a Zombie. It can really affect my sleep pattern but on the other hand it is good for my mental health as he makes me laugh, I can talk to him about my problems like with no one else and over all I feel better after talking to him compared to when we can't chat. It sucks and yeah, I always try to find a middle way, so that both, my sleep pattern and mental health, are getting satisfied but it is damn hard!
That's a tricky situation you found yourself in. The US is like 6 hours behind you. I recently talked to a friend for hours from 2 am untill right before 5 am, it really is tricky.
It's cool that you profit so much from talking to him :proud:. Doesn't he have time in the morning, so that it is like 1 or 2 pm. where you are? Or isn't there time at noon for you?

Baf
 

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A checklist update, not the most exciting thing but whatever I decided to do. Tagging these is less beneficial I think. But iff anyone whishes so, I'll adopt it readily.

I made two out of nine, it's a start

I'm appreciating the good things and not going into excuses and whitewashing of the things I didn't achieve, so I don't feed into them by justifying them in regards to my conscience.

Checklist: day 1 (2/9)

No laptop or phone in bed.I watched an episode Taboo before 10 pm...
No lying in bed during the day.... in bed
I'll abstain from electronic devices one hour before I go to sleep (after 10 pm).I had a burning question to ask someone
I'm walking the dog after 10 pm or simply go for a walk on my own.went well, it's very relaxing. Being grateful for a warm and comfy house is easier when you freeze at your fingers and feet on the outside
After this, I'll read a bit.nope
Go to sleep at 11 pmtried to, couldn't, was frustrated and browsed 9gag on the phone instead
waking up at 7 ammore like 9 am after snoozing at 7
drinking a lot before going for a walk in the morning-
showering and bathroom-stuffyes

What do you think about the two videos I posted by the way?
Would you say using these sorts of videos as supportive tools is a good idea or not, like "just distracts from the main goal"? I'm unsure about this. There's hardly any post except updates I couldn't accompany by informative videos.



That's a tricky situation you found yourself in. The US is like 6 hours behind you. I recently talked to a friend for hours from 2 am untill right before 5 am, it really is tricky.
It's cool that you profit so much from talking to him :proud:. Doesn't he have time in the morning, so that it is like 1 or 2 pm. where you are? Or isn't there time at noon for you?

Baf
I find it good that you don't pressurize yourself with getting all 9 things done straight away. Sometimes people, including me, do the mistake and try to achieve everything straight away and then they end up being frustrated and disappointed with themselves. And then they might stop the whole thing because they think that they can't do it. So thumbs up for that!! :wink:

The main problem is that he is training to become a trucker, so he is driving a lot and then he needs to sleep at some point as well and when he is then awake, well then it is evening or night here. It is his job, plus I want him to get his sleep as well because I really don't want him to crash just because I want to talk to him earlier and he wouldn't get his sleep. So I kind of sacrifice my sleep to talk to him but he appreciates it as well, so it is not just a one sided thing if you know what I mean. We both get something out of talking to each others pretty mcuh every day if possible. :kitteh:
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I'm appreciating the good things and not going into excuses and whitewashing of the things I didn't achieve, so I don't feed into them by justifying them in regards to my conscience.
Haha, the struggle is real. I'm deeply conflicted.

Checklist: day 2 (2/9)

No laptop or phone in bed.Taboo again, more comfortable than sitting
No lying in bed during the day.it is more comfortable than watching movies sitting. Anyways, I crouch and half squat-half sit on the chair. A bad habit of mine..
I'll abstain from electronic devices one hour before I go to sleep (after 10 pm).I didn't care and stayed up an on the mobile phone until 1 am
I'm walking the dog after 10 pm or simply go for a walk on my own.a bit cold
After this, I'll read a bit.Only if reading on the internet counts.. I haven't touched a book for like a week
Go to sleep at 11 pm
waking up at 7 amat 11 am
drinking a lot before going for a walk in the morningNo, went for a walk at 4 pm.
showering and bathroom-stuffalso later, sort of. Guess it counts



This day was even worse..

Checklist: day 3 (1/9)

No laptop or phone in bed.I had a fight with myself and a "fuck it" moment, and went on in not caring what I did until deep into the night
No lying in bed during the day.I slept in the afternoon
I'll abstain from electronic devices one hour before I go to sleep (after 10 pm).No way. I was even on PerC and posted stuff I found interesting
I'm walking the dog after 10 pm or simply go for a walk on my own.-
After this, I'll read a bit.Again, I read a lot on the internet but thats not the goal
Go to sleep at 11 pmthere isn't a darker red than this one; it should give -1 point
waking up at 7 am9 am
drinking a lot before going for a walk in the morningNo, I'm ill today, bit feverish. I knew yesterday that something is keeping me restless and in higher alert, I really felt I was getting sick.
showering and bathroom-stuff-


If these things are too much for me to take on at once, I'll change down a gear so to speak and decide to do even less and easier stuff..
 

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Discussion Starter #10
I have some points to say, they are a random collection, just screw order, phrasing and format!

Forget day 4-5, they are 0/0, although they aren't exempt they are a bit of a special case becaue I have been sick.

I'm at the moment somewhat engaged in family matters. They might weight a bit on my psyche, we'll see. I don't know if I'm tgoing to take a brake from the checklist or not.

I called the employment exchange (?? I looked it up, might be translated wrongly) and I'll go there and sign in next Monday.

Today's training went very well and I'm tired now, but I have to get up tomorrow at 7.30 am to walk with doggo.

I've noticed that my checklist is flawed, as I come home between 11 and 12 pm when training takes place.

Today I managed to do "a step" metaphorically. I achieved something little: I got a new haircut - yay! Nothing worldshaking, but I'm not measuring myself up to other peoples standards (wording?). At least I don't look as if I lived on the streets anymore :wink:

I'll have to figure some stuff out about my role models and get my thoughts in order about them. It's a confusing mess, maybe you could guestimate whats tangible and whats not if I poured out my thoughts about it. Generally I think they can be (if chosen the right ones) a big motivation and positive and correcting influence.

I don't want this my posts to slip into babbling but I think it can be beneficial if I noted notable steps I take each day. Notable in regards to progress and also regresses that contribute to this thread. These steps are usually either things outside of my comfort zone, habits I'm establishing (and similar) or when I let myself go.
 

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I feel like a fucking fraud, deep down not even being true to myself or the things I'm saying and have promised others. I only said and promised them to feel better, good about myself, to feel like a good person and also to motivate myself to act on these things because they are "out there", recognized by others. Also what I "try" to carry out and how it diminishes in the face of reality.

This post here feels as if I want to feel better by somehow fishing for compliments, encouragement and other nice words. Fuck them and especially fuck me. And at the same time I know that I feel this way because I create this as my own drama and way to pity myself more. I can chose the way to represent myself, especially on the internet where you can lie and make up every single ounce of your being shining new and EXACTLY how you like it. People might notice over time as reality works against your own lies. If you distort reality with your belief system, how you see the world and your current mood/state of mind you dismantel its correcting powers to the lies you are telling yourself. Making myself smaller is as big of a manipulation of reality as it is appearing to be the shining knight of incredible wisdom when I sometimes give people tipps and try to make them look at things from a more healthier perspective. These things I myself do not only not apply, but have never even tried because I'm lazy.

Every time I'm being nice and helping people and writing down deep insights about life I claim as my own I seem to me to talk to myself, giving tipps myself.

This way I distract myself from the underlying problem and still do not act on even the smartest shit I've ever accumulated in a single piece of text filled with wisdom. And I even wrote those short and long texts myself!

I could quote them here but I don't want to, as this requires to look what I've done in the past and this forces me to grapple with myself. Why the hell not? I do some but I only say briefly what I think about them.

Being reasonable and doing the hard thing while at the same time NOT examining my belief system and stuff:
 

I'm thinking about what I am dogmatic about, where I turn a blind eye to and how I can recognize which beliefs I cling to only serve myself. How can I be a proper skeptic and scrutinize what drives me? What intellectual blunders am I committing?

It is hardest to examine ones one beliefs since everyone pretty much always assumes certain things to be right and himself to be "good". Pointing fingers at others is easy. At oneself not only unpleasant but it can be soul crushing and makes you sober up from all the bullshit you are giving yourself, those little mental masturbation going on when you bathe in your own righteousness. I'm disgusted with myself because of this. I could cheer about a certain party winning the Syrian civil war while in another universe being for another party. In both cases I'd be thinking about being on the right side. The exact same goes for communism.

Are you allowed to curse here? I hope so, because I'm thinking it at least.

This is fucked up because I would have to admit to be wrong and I really feel that I don't want to do this; doing mental gymnastics and regurgitating things I've read or heard distracts me enough that I sustain my current position. I hardly ever have a thought of my own, pretty much everything is from outside sources I simply adapted, identifying with them. I am at a point where I can cite the source of almost every single thing I'm writing and saying (it's a giant amalgam of sources)

It is also difficult to not come to some sort of simplistic, generalizing and radical conclusions about humans and the world in the process of reevaluating my belief system, as this would be a pitfall of said process and just lead to another pathological belief system.

Lot of work to do tied to self sacrifice and partly identity loss. Get your fucking thoughts straightened out and in order, Baf!
Being a lazy ass victim about being shy and not doing shit about my situation concerning my crush (I'm even having two crushes, like WTF):

 
Yes, with every single crush like always.
We have worked together for like a month (8 months ago) and we haven't been in contact (whatsapp) for like 5 months and I once said I'd like to go to cinema with her and she said she'd like it, and now I don't know where to start because I'm in a bad current situation, emotionally as well with circumstances. I feel like I made a promise I am not keeping, but now bringing it up again and asking puts too much weight on some thing I said when I saw her last, which required a lot of courage for me. I even caught up with her after saying good bye (to ask about cinema) because I would have regrettet it otherwise.
My life took a turn I didn't foresaw and she probably thinks I'm still in the military. I can't simply write her how she's been doing because if she asks back how I'm doing I can't bring up all the shitty things. It's too much whining and too little good or interesting things (I even opened something where I write down how I change my life for the better).

Keep the question, it is good.


Acting as if I'm honest, open and reasonable while at the same time can't stanging dogmatic ideologues I accuse people of being:

 
@Chara I'm sorry if I stepped on your foot with something. Of course mass horrors aren't okay, regardless of who does it and I don't think I implied this.
What numbers and claims are you talking about exactly? It seems as if you are making claims and downplaying a number of victim I don't even know of in which ever country. There's claims for all sorts of things, also ones denying the holocaust altogether!

I don't understand what you are talking about with weather control, it's a bit confusing.

Why do you think this way about a nuclear war that will destroy humanity? Why is it so likely and why do you burden the whole of humanity with everything that is going wrong? I think we live in more stable times than ever regarding the whole planet, society is complex and it is a miracle that things like the sewage system and electricity are so reliable in the country I'm living in.
Acting wise and shit, I could vomit right now:

 
Love yourself;
Being able to love yourself is a requirement to be able to love others. If you love yourself and accept others as they are, you can see yourself in them and what they do. This isn't only limited to people who remind you of yourself as you were younger.
As above:

 
You can try writing them down in a journal or just a piece of paper, without censoring anything, so don't think "this sounds silly" or "it doesn't even make sense!", just do it. I feel relieved after it.

You can try writing fears and things or situations that make you anxious down as well and then burn the paper to let them go, so nobody ever will see them. It has also a certain flair of letting go of it symbolically through fire and flames.


Regurgitating intelligent things I in fact am passionate about and acting as if I've come up with them on my own, being wise (I think this text is one of the best I've ever assembled and not one think is original about it):

 
What are "you" actually? Not philosophically, but in practice. What are you? Are you your body? Are you your brain? And if you think you are located in the brain, why does it feel different? Are you some place behind the eyes?

Most of what I come up with isn't me, but I have it. I am the one having thoughts, I'm not the thoughts themselfes. I can't answer what I am because everytime I can come up with a "but". There are split brain experiments where they cut the part connecting both halfes of the brain, and interestingly enough there were like two seperate entities, but the person would still feel like "one", unaltered. Source:
 

The question of what you are is essential to buddhism as well as how consciousness comes to be or that the past and the future don't really exist. You can only think of them in the present moment, when the future arises it is the present, if it passes it is the past, but the present is like one everchanging instant.

Well, these aren't exactly random thoughts, but I'm being associative.

If you had completely memory loss, you don't know "who" you are. You are still you in a sense, but don't know what you like, how you behave and other things. You then go out and just assume a persona and ask questions about how you were before, to make sense of it all. You need a story to explain why you do what you do and what to persue. It has to make sense. But the fact that you'd belief e.g. your mother (who you don't even know!) telling you how you were and then just assuming that that's true is deeply creepy.

Although time is passing when you sleep and dream, it feels as if you are teleporting into the future, because your consciousness was like away. Without you being aware of your being, there's no time in a sense. At least you don't perceive it, you just skip it. Skipping time is different than experiencing it passing.

The only thing that's always there in life really is the present moment. It never goes away. Even if your awareness/mindfulness of the present moment wanders off and gets sucked up lets say a movie, the present moment is there. You are just less aware of it, in a way like animals.

But animals in a way are always in the present moment and much purer. They can think and dream and even solve complex puzzles and stuff, but they are just the way they are. When eating, they are eating. When breeding, they are doing just that. When relaxing, it is the best recreational activity there ever was. No thoughts bother them like us humans.

We humans are almost always preoccupied with things in our minds. Either we are so completely sucked up into a story or movie, that you aren't even conscious of the fact that you are reading or watching a movie. When eating, you imagine what your crush at the work place will say about your new hairstyle. In the morning, you think about what you should wear. In the train, you are either listening to music, texting or reading. If not, your thought wander off to the mortgage you'll have to pay off somehow. You aren't even aware of the sensation on your behind if you are sitting right now, or lieing or standing or walking. Not until I mentioned it. Or the sensations in your mouth. Where your tongue is. How you are breathing. That something might be itching you somewhere.
Don't forget the breathing part, do it consciously.

If someone asked you wheter you are conscious or not, you'd probably say yes. Me included. But you are so blind considering so much that is happening in at the moment. The dialogue you are having with yourself. This little voice that articulates IN your head what you are reading AND what you are thinking about it at the same time on different levels of your being.

What you feel doesn't make any logical sense whatsoever. Where sensations arise from and where they go is unknown. There's a big dispute between a material world of matter (atoms and stuff) and consciousness. Science can't say anything about consciousness at all. Yes, your brain probably contributes most to your being, and thoughts/thinking are electrical currents made by brainchemistry, but that doesn't explain how you came to be conscious and self aware. Not a single bit. You just are.

In fact, you can't even be sure that other people are conscious. You could look into their head, but not into their experience of life. It is possible that behind their eyes, "there's no one there" so to speak. The light is of. Sensory impressions don't arive at specific point. They still seem the same, talk the same and tell you about the thoughts they are having, but you can't be sure.

The series "Westworld" delves deeper into this, where robots are so sophisticated that they themselfes begin to think they are real. They experience pain although that's not possible from a scientific point of view because they are just programmed to "feel" pain and react to it.

Weird and confusing stuff. I really run off the track, but I never really had one and connected my thoughts loosely. I'm not editing it, you can keep grammatical and writing errors and ask for cookies if you like :p


Feel free to reply, I don't know where else to put this exactly. In the end it are just random thoughts...
And here, finally ONE THING I've come up with myself, and not even this to 100%. That being said, I don't follow what I preach in here:

 
Now, everyone: stop writing in the confession thread for a week to prove @megmento right, I'm sure this would lift her mood! :wink:

Seriously, I have this too at times. But then I think of how little people who experience this actually care when the thought never crosses their mind. It is always possible to come up with anything negative no matter how unlikely. These possibilities do like "broaden your horizon" in a direction that is more negative, do you know what I mean? Like a map of whats going on in your mind, and you discover something new. If your place is in the middle of everything, adding to one side will change your place as well.

Or if you thought about yourself and can come up with 3 good things and 5 bad things and you drew them on a spectrum, your place would wander significally towards the negative side because there are more things.

Take care :)


I look things up in the internet, looking for things that help me, looking for wisdom and feeling productive about it. I life off of intelligent things and are obsessed with collecting them all and sort of reconciling everything to one big blob of things. E.g. do I actually belief that I am a spiritual person and interested in growing and being mindful ans shit - you can guess what I think about this. I'm not discrediting my interests and what I'm passionate about, but all of this just feels so damn wrong and artificial. At the same time I use it to manipulate others as well as myself.

I'm honestly impressed with every single person that can put up with the shit I'm posting here after having read through all of this. And if I am bashing myself and being honest, I can also admit that I don't like only canadafreak replying in my own thread. Yeah, what an asshole, being egotistical and selfish and expecting reality to change to my own liking.

Now, everyone can see my dark side and I'm not even stating that this is the turning point at which I'm doing something about it. I'm just ranting and whining, tomorrow I'll be the same ungrateful little fuck.

Some part of me even wants to provoke you in to not replying. Then this thread goes under again in the subforum (except for canadafreak I can't belief is still listening to me) and I can hate you few readers and myself for it again.
 

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Here's one of the people I value highly and who's a personal hero of mine. No, he's THE personal hero.
I had never heard of this man before watching this video but now I want to watch more of his speeches. It feels like his speech was designed for INFPs. It is the exact message we all need to hear sometimes and the kind we seem to respond to more than anything else. Maybe that's just me.

"How do you overcome the suffering of life? Be a better person." Simple but powerful. And it's the truth.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Different thoughts, stories and a little update

About my last post on here
I'm ashamed by what I wrote in my last post on this thread, but here I am going on with it.

What I wrote carries some truth, but I'm sure all of you understand to a certain degree in what mindset I've been in when I wrote it, maybe even why exactly I wrote it. Something was brought to daylight and made conscious, so that's a big step forward. I could elaborate on this, but you can also think about this and what it means yourselfes.

Update

As for now, I've stopped with my checklist temporarily, because I've to figure out something and come to terms with it. I'm pretty much confused about what type I am as I find INFJs profile very resonating with me. I also made some tests again, one normal type test and a specific INFP-INFJ test and both times I came out as an INFJ. I know not to trust and set too many expectations into this, but I'll take it as a hint that things might not be as clear as initially assumed.

Type confusion

I once made like two tests last year on the internet (it wasn't in an official book or something) and I believed to be the type that came out. I sucked up everything about INFPs and pretty much ignored other types and only looked at a handful of them superficially. Much of the description and the underlying theory I thought to be true because it fitted my personality. But as I found out this week, the two most confused types in the MBTI are INFPs and INFJs. To me both can be equally possible and I have like I said to this sit for a while and then draw conclusions. I might buy a book someone recommended me and do the test there.

It is no surprise if the state I was in when I took the test had a big influence on what answers I chose, because I've been shy and anxious for way longer than the military-incident.

Understanding things accurately is important, but even if it is OBVIOUS that both types don't even share a single function to me I'm drawn to both. Whatever I turn out to be, the result won't change this thread, only how I attemp to tackle and change things.

Surpressed inferior Se possibly?

I found this to be very true for me because it fits perfectly:

https://www.reddit.com/r/infj/comments/1qb9av/definitive_solutions_for_escaping_and_preventing/

I won't go into too much detail but the thing with indulging myself in bad habits and guilty pleasures like a prevalent masturbation addiction (wow, this really sounds bad) and binge watching movies and series. The latter I mask behind calling myself a movie enthusiast what I believe to be, but it somehow is also an excuse for said behaviour. I'll try out some things the people on the site described and try to use my senses more often and profoundly (right word?)

About some of my past

As a young child I always spent time outside, exploring the world and looking at EVERYTHING. I observed plants, animals and nature. Even dirt and stuff I soon found out to be more alive than dead actually. I deeply cared for animals and plants and I had many plants and cacti myself. I fostered them and always tried to catch things like spiders inside the house to bring them outside. I hated it when two children were in conflict with each other and even when one kid bit another (the attacker had serious ADHD) I didn't judge him and tried to reconcile the situation. I listened to the ADHD kid and was even invited by his mother over midday for lunch.
About caring for plants and animals: I cried when I found out that I forgot to water a plant when it died, or when the earth of a cactus began to mold. On the other hand I burnt ants among objects and stuff with a magnifying glass because I was curious and wanted to find out. I observed a light-gray stonewall, how it changed colour when it was wet and how the moisture dissappeared in the sun, like with a wet blackboard. I also wanted to become a biologist like a relative, but I somehow gave up on this when said relative died of cancer. It wasn't a conscious decision, it just was.

With time I was less and less invested in finding out stuff and observing things. It was a change over years so it went unnoticed. I became much more interested in Legos, after that gameboy (with pokemon!) and later the internet. It weren't phases, it was just a part of my life and they cross over and change and sometimes I've spent more time with lego and another day with playing pokemon. Nothing of these things really stopped. Also reading.
It's a bit like in Harry Potter, there are some main characters but sometimes a new one gets introduced and you read a bit more about him before changing back to the main story. All is interwoven.

I am able to kill flies and insects, I don't really have empathy for them and I won't start crying if I stepped on a worm or snail or something, don't get me wrong on that. I'm no "whiny pussy" even if I've been a wallflower in my past.

I also bottlet up a lot of feelings and quarreled often with my brothers. I sometimes just cried like the first time I was at a new school for a lagnuage course away from where I went regularly. I cried often but didn't understand why. I rarely know how I feel but I can guess it well.

INFJ?
Other than in some descriptions of INFJs I don't have a seer like quality and don't see through people and their emotions quickly. I do however suck up feelings in movies and stuff and really experience them as if it was real. I don't know if I have learned it or not but I don't cry when people in a movie or series are crying, except from like two or three times last month when things really touched me deeply. One was in "The OA" and the other in "Thirteen Reasons Why", the third I forgot.

I'm not telling you this for you to evaluate my type or to give a manipulated perspective on things.It is a bit more like an open journal on here. I won't deny that having read both type descriptions somehow influences me, wheter I want it or not. After I've invented a language at school as a "matriculation project" (or something like that) I became very conscious of where my tongue is in my mouth. In what position and stuff like this. Also that you can't say nasal consonants like "m" and "n" when you close your nose and that I never noticed this even when I was ill and my nose blocked (you really talk differently). This goes to show that things you discover can't be reversed like that, exactly like the type descriptions.

A "weird quirk" of mine

With like 13 or 14 years of age I started to search for forbidden and horrific stuff on the internet. It was some sort of morbid curiosuty and in NO way arousing or sociopathic or anything. I wanted to find out how things looked like and I wanted to like surpress myself feeling everything as if it was myself. After having seen e.g. a person who fell from a building and smashed onto the street I closed all tabs and felt very bad, pledging that I'll never do it again. Some months later I did it again, this time with something different. It was in this sense similar to discovering my own sexuality and feeling weird and bad about it later. I had a hard time forgetting some of the pictures, videos and sounds I've experienced but I got better at watching these things in awe and horror and realizing that the person experiencing pain is NOT me. I used the same strategy when I saw frightening things in movies; I thought: "I am here, under the confortable blanked and these things are not real. I observe them and someone is holding the camera".

It is hard to describe, I am not "damaged" because of it or at least I don't think so. I'm no sociopath or sadist or anything, I just got better at being able to stomach the most horrific stuff you can imagine. I KNOW it comes across wrong because you haven't experienced the same as I did and I can't wrap my head around it either.

Update II
Back from the past into the here and now.

I've been to the unemployment-agency or whatever the hell you call this thing and registered myself there this Monday. The night before I had a myriad of thoughts and basically was anxious about it, but as soon as I've left the house in the morning I was being calm and thoughtfully serene. I wasn't anxious at all after I've spoken the first words to the lady at the register (right word?) and she was being very understanding, open and kind. We even laughed a bit as I said that I don't have a real signature and that I'll have to remake my identity card quite soon.

Anyways, I have my first consultation next Monday (with a different person, the lady was just for registering). I think they'll help me. Even if I don't find a suitable job, as long as I have like 10-12 applications per month the agency will support me financially with unemployment benefits. The thing is that I don't want to go from door to door, then ring and try to get people to donate money by using dirty tricks. I know it is for a "good cause" and stuff, but to me this isn't suitable. I can't just rip off people. And the worst thing is that the wages are calculated in premiums (?), the more I sell, the more I get. And this fucking company has their fucking ads all over every single site you can look for jobs. I fear to be forced to apply to them, but the thing is that you won't be able to come home as you travel the country with other such people to get in donations. The agency can't force you to do this I somewhat assume/somewhat know. I just fear the unknown and with anxiety and shyness it is a horrible idea to do something along the lines of described job.

I don't really know.

Notion 1 on empathy
"Well, because empathy or 'putting yourself in anothers shoes' involves seeing things from their perspective and not merely from your own perspective projected into them."

I don't think that there is such a thing as absolute moral judgments like "killing is wrong, no matter the circumstances". This will sound SO wrong, but I write it anyways: I can easily imagine being in the shoes of anyone. ANYONE. To a certain degree. It isn't 100% accurate, but I get better and better at it. Things like being homeless are easy. Then I can understand mindsets of terrorists to a certain degree too. I even have some epathy towards Paedophiles after having seen Nymphomaniac (I and II). I can't relate to them because I don't like young children sexually, but I can imagine being in their shoes a bit and ignoring my own beliefs and stuff.

When you are born this way, and the whole society condems you as subhuman, many would gladly torture, kill or lock you up for the rest of your life. As a paedophile you've drawn the worst fucking card of life. You can't tell nobody, most of them supress it and don't act on it their whole lifes. They'd never hurt any child but the attraction is still there. You also can't tell your friends because they'd beat you to a fucking pulp before leaving forever. Also not therapists because you never really get out of it and you get registered and all of this stuff.
What I'm trying to say is that I can think myself in a lot of situations and other people. I have the impression that INFPs have empathy to a certain degree, and that when you cross a line like, e.g. happen to be a terrorist, this empathy changes often to disgust and hate in a heartbeat. To me there is not really right and wrong (absolute, morally), only more or less "right" (I'm not talking about the law). I'm not justifying anything.

I don't know if I am a moral relativist and I don't want to relativize the worst sort of actions and then justify them with bullshit like "he was abused as a child" or "they brainwashed him into this" or "it is just his beliefs that make him do this". I can put things into perspective though and consider them. The only thing I do is that I understand a lot of things and demonize almost nobody. Basically even the worst people are only humans, and everything a group of humans ever did, YOU are capable of. Maybe you don't think so, but I do.
 
Me looking at horrible pictures and videos is also a bit like the "weird quirk" Peterson talked about in the video. I regard these things he said as deeply true.

I don't know wheter this "imagining to be in someone elses shoes" is typically INFP or INFJ; the former can imagine being in situation they have been in before​ and understand things this way, the other is good at sucking up emotions. This is somehow neither.

A little warning about being serious

Don't come to me with "what if a terrorist would kills your whole family?", I wont talk to you anymore, as this situation is obviously different. The first one to cry "hypocrite" won't be paid attention to ever again. I know I might trespass some moral values of you guys, but I'm explaining this seriously and I'd like serious responses in return too. I'm being so defensive because it is closely held belief of mine and because of past experiences with stupid people, NOT because I suspect you to be aggressive towards me this way.

Notion II
A friend recommended me to go jogging every morning for my health and stuff after I've consulted with her over Whatsapp, and today I actually went jogging. I nearly died proverbially as I haven't done this in a long time and intended to take on way too much. But it wen't well, and after 15 minutes of running it took like half an hour to feel my circulation reemerging from the abyss again. I think I'll take it tomorrow a lot easier and more slowly when I do it again, I'm no fool.


I know, it's a lot, but I've not written anything for some time. If you've made it to here, gratulations!


Baf
 

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From my experience, INFP'are able to empathize with everyone until a point where either too much moral codes are violated or where a very primitive, important code is violated.

I wouldn't be able to empathize with someone who kills just for fun. But I would be able to empathize with him if there's a context given that made him act that way. You see?

There has to be some kind of mutual moral code where you can start off, otherwise I won't even try.

Good you started running. I am a frequent runner myself and I can only say that the first steps are a hell, but after a while it will become so addicting it will be hard to stop.
@Baf
 
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Discussion Starter #15
In my past I often had a problem with perfectionism and a certain "all or nothing"-mindset. I now recognize that I'm having this with this thread and what stands behind it as well.

I would describe this all-or-nothing as follows: I imagined that when I really REALLY want to change and initiate it by starting this thread and telling other people about it, that I'd finally turn the corner and got my act together, but I don't. I have a hard time not dismissing the small things I managed to do because I want to take on SO much, the small things seem so without sense and I feel stupid and unmotivated. I sense that the small things are the ones that count, but yeah..

I feel the urge to withdraw from this whole thing as the many things I failed to do add up to a big "I failed" impression that is hard to deal with. My mind comes up with new ways to tackle the problem and before I made a post about them, I want to be aware of why I want this and what I try to achieve. I've come up with the idea of me (unrealistically) only drink water and developing a routine in the morning and evening to get rid of my acne and blackheads on top of regularly exercising. This would be just another way of me thinking "now I've got it together and do it as I intended to" but I know this would be unrealistic and I'd fail at it with my current mindset. The "all" of all or nothing is the part that makes it impossible, the "nothing" makes me lose all motivation and is the reason why I struggle with the intermediate stages between my goals and the single narrowed down steps I'd have to take.

I for now will be expressing what I'm thinking and feeling about this more often and portray my actions and reasoning more detailed than before, to get into some kind of dialogue with you. I have to change my life on my own but this doesn't mean to be alone while doing so.

Thank you for your understanding.

My therapist said it was a good idea to keep a journal (NOT diary) and do some self inquiry (?) and maybe write down what I've dreamt in the morning (I forgot wheter implied or he said that). I will deliberatly rather make a lot of posts, e.g. after having written an entry into my journal or before when I have second thoughts about it and externalize otherwise internal things this way.

This here feels like whining and being indecisive instead of simply doing things that are unpleasant. If someone else did this I'd be annoyed and maybe this is why I have so little understanding for my behaviour now.

Maybe this thread won't be as structured as I hoped it to become.
@Eefje I only ran once and told my friend I was going to do it regularly, but I then failed to implement this and I haven't kept my word towards her as well as towards my readers.
 

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A tiny step for the world, but a big one for Baf.
It's all about perspective ;)

I think a journal/blog/whatever is a good way for self reflection. For everything that you write about in this thread or in your journal, it's a way of processing your feelings and thoughts, without running too much in circles.

I am also sure that you aren't alone here, although maybe not many people react, there are also a lot of people who feel and think with/of you. I am sure a lot of people here don't really react, but can empathize with you :)

Maybe you shouldn't think of it as running, but more as of getting outside. Going to the grocers? Take your bike :) going to the library? Go by foot :) Grass is too long? Mow it to surprise your parents. etc!

Have a nice day and enjoy the tiny things in life :)
-Eva
 
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Discussion Starter #17
A tiny step for the world, but a big one for Baf.
It's all about perspective ;)
You nailed it exactly. I think I can differentiate well enough between self-aggrandizing (in a way) by depicting things as MUCH more difficult than they really are and the struggle to be much bigger than in reality. The line is very thin between this and on the other hand bathing in self-pity and not admitting that you don't actually want to change. You know these people who always have something against them and a reason why they didn't do something.
I hope to not fall too often in either of those categories.

I think a journal/blog/whatever is a good way for self reflection. For everything that you write about in this thread or in your journal, it's a way of processing your feelings and thoughts, without running too much in circles.
You are right; clarifying and visualizing might not always prevent me from going in circles but it's the best precaution to it and suitable to learn and develope further. I've somewhere a journal lying around, I have it at hand quickly.

I am also sure that you aren't alone here, although maybe not many people react, there are also a lot of people who feel and think with/of you. I am sure a lot of people here don't really react, but can empathize with you :)
Thank you for this, it makes me more confident in this whole thing :)

Maybe you shouldn't think of it as running, but more as of getting outside. Going to the grocers? Take your bike :) going to the library? Go by foot :) Grass is too long? Mow it to surprise your parents. etc!
Today I ate some black chocolate and let it melt bit by bit in my mouth tasting it. I also managed to build three wooden flower-beds (name is missing) together alone (YES) and tomorrow I'll lacque them with some preserving oil :proud:

Yesterday I visited the Employment-center for my first consultation with my counsellor and she taught me how I can make my CV better and write better job applications, where and how to find jobs (introduction to a special site with thousands of jobs country-wide, like a little job "trading market" and that I'll have to make 12 applications per month to get unemployment benefits, also how to document everything necessary for her aswell as myself. THis is a big step forward although I'm in a new situation now and unfamiliar things are always unpleasant and you have to accustome to them.

INFJ
The confusion I had with my type cleared up now, not completely but far enough for me to be sure.

I can't put it into words but I sense that there's much repetition and reiteration on a lot of sites including this forum (especially the You know you're an XXXX when...-threads) of superficial appearances, bias and preconceptions around both types. I'm NOT contesting anything any of you wrote, but I got observant of those reoccuring things.

I think that it is too simplistic to "go for the four letters" and try to evaluate I or E, N or S, T or F and P or J as almost all free MBTI tests on the internet do. Moving along these axes won't clear things up, at least for me. I saw an entry post where someone accurately explained misconceptions about focusing on those four letters and where else your attention should lie.

The best site I've found until now is Cognitive Function Theory (+ Introvert Power and Michael Pierce on Youtube)

I can follow it's explanations very well and at the sime time they teach me so much more than most other sources I've encountered until now. To me it seems a little confusing and unorganized when you want to finde something exactly but the tagging system works very well and it is ideal to delve deeper into the subject of personality types and learn things not superficially (this type is A DREAMER, etc), but thoroughly. Thorougly meaning the cognitive functions, how they develop, how unhealthy behaviour looks like, the grip and so on.

I can't pinpoint what made me make up my mind about my type as I looked through dozens of different ways to differenciate INFP from INFJ although some of them provided me with useful info, but it all came together when I read funciton descriptions on this site taking its position into account (dominant, auxiliary etc).

The description of dominant Ni (how I store memory, articulate ideas and such), how INFJ can get into a Ni-Ti loop, how unhealthy types look like and how repressed inferior function can burst out and take over control have illuminated me the most. Take this with a grain of salt, I'm definitely NOT explaining all my reasoning and the trains of thought I went through nor is this an justification for what I concluded.

I also read the exact same about INFPs, always putting myself in either types shoes in order to prevent self deception and projection. Most sources out there focus on vague description moving at the surface and "how types generally are".

I don't want to search it but mbti-notes sees things very clearly and is also aware of how people might differ from the general conception of one single type. I found out to often surpress my inferior function (in last post with reddit) and on top of that how I can grow, where I'm stuck and that if I don't have these "hunches" everybody seems to be talking of about other people, be perfectly adapt to every social group, people often thinking that INFJs are extroverts or "see right through them" that this doesn't (necessarily) mean that I don't have this type. You can simply deduce and bring together the essence of many different texts of what he/she writes and "slip right in" the laid out theory so to speak, as it covers every aspect I can think of.

If any of you have objections to this, even if you're not sure, please let me know.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
What I did yesterday

  • deleted the last (and best and most perfect you've ever seen, it's artistic) 354 pornographic tabs (of galleries, not single pictures) in OneTab. I think you can clearly see how I have justified them to myself from how I describe them. My mind even came up with "keep them to practice nude-drawing" and although I want to start this, my sneaky mind would never let me go through this at it's just an excuse for my addiction. I'm sure you all have some similar sneaky part of you doing more or less the same. The best way to engage in things one knows are "bad" is by self-deception and justificating excuses, we're masters at this when we want to.

Sidenote:
I use OneTab to save all current tabs of one window instead of saving them all as bookmarks, which is a progress as I don't have to sort them out as opposed to bookmarks. It's not the final solution because I have right now 1200 tabs in OneTab (a Chrome extension I'd recommend you) and my goal is to use it so "quick-save" what I've currently open and on my mind to resume the next time, not to go further down the rabbit hole I call the Internet.


  • looked up with "Fast Bookmark Scanner", another Chrome extension, how many bookmarks I actually have: I have 13'322 in the normal bookmark bar and another 1481 in the "additional bookmarks" folder (I used this to save the latest things prior to OneTab).



  • deleted another 200 bookmarks (=/ OneTab); now everything "filthy" I could find is deleted.
     
    the only thing I have left are 6 perfectly beautiful pics I'm going to practice drawing with
  • In Chrome there are two system folders you can't delete: the bookmark bar and additional bookmarks. In the former I created 10 folders named after the 10 life areas and I classified every folder (+ it's subfolders) into these 10 main folders. Noteworthy are the folders Life (everything useful) Youtube (massive amount, 5400) and Linkdump (giant pile of most of the links to sort out, 5300) withing "General" and Movies, Games and Art in "Recreational". The 8 left folders are still empty but they'll get filled with important things once I start clear out everything and have a clean slate again.



  • I registered on a website instructed by the Job Agency (which usually costs quite a lot of money to do) and now I'm receiving a daily mail with the latest avaiable jobs to apply to with settings of my choosing (search terms, location etc.)


  • cleared up all clothes (and not cleared out my wardrobe)



  • tidied up my room and cleaned (woah)
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Progress from last time didn't last for long. Forget it, it is even worse than before. And every time I speak with my therapist I like forget all my frustration and resentment and get excites about telling him my ideas and talking about the world.

I was too tired to make an update and I just wanted to say that I did my 12 applications within 6 days instead of a month. 9 of those were rejected, 3 are still open. The first 7 days of this month I didn't make any new applications, the first of 12 for this month I did yesterday. All of them were basically in selling things; in McDonalds, different discounters or with clothes, I presume I don't only don't fit those jobs but will also hate them which isn't great, even if they took me.

Right now I have paperthin skin and are extremely sensitive and irritable. Every sound of cars, birds, family walking ant alking on the floor in front of my room. I could burst and I would really like to throw things around and scream.

Ever task feels like too great of a pressure; I have to send the military insurance different things, pay some money with e-banking for paperwork, still do the applications and just 20 minutes ago someone called and left a voicemessage for me to call back for one of the jobs for a countrywide retailer, I fucking hate it right now.

I don't feel ready, don't look neat enough, have good enough clothes or enough confidence to just talk to this lady, yet alone to then be a cashier or whatever.

A week ago I asked someone I don't really know to go to pride day tomorrow (I asked her a year at graduation ball to go this year), now I am asking where and when to meet up with her and the others she invited to go. I don't know if I am prepared for this, walking around with "new and interesting" people on my own in the big city with thousands of lesbiand, gays, bisexuals and their social circles. FML
 
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