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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm a semester through my first year at university, and even though I'm living at a residential hall/dorm, I'm finding that I have not made any close friends. They say that making friends after graduating from university is extremely difficult, and that the friends you have from high school and uni are the ones that you will keep for the rest of your life.

I have watched the people living on my floor progress from complete strangers to good friends who "hang out" with each other in their rooms and talk within this one semester. But I don't seem to be able to form friendship with them, and worst of all, I have never had the experience of hanging out with friends regularly outside of school, even at high school. I have never been to a sleepover, and I don't think I've ever experienced that thing all the girls I know do where they go to a person's house and paint each other's nails and play with their hair and bond. Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-social. When I walk pass people on my floor, or people from my lectures that I met at the start of the semester, we still exchange the polite greeting, though brief and usually at most only consists of "Hi, how are you? Good." But all my friendships seem to stop progressing from that point, I don't get invited to parties or events, and I never seem to be able to become part of a "group". I don't have trouble meeting new people, but I can't actively follow through with the friendships.

One possible reason that I've come up with is that the people living on my floor go out clubbing frequently, and though they did invite me to go with them at the start of the semester, I refused, simply because I'm not into getting drunk and embarrassing myself (which is usually what they end up doing). And I thought maybe that's where they bonded. However, another guy on my floor doesn't drink and go out with them, and he still managed to become part of their group.

Another reason I thought of was that I don't fit in with them in terms of personality. My neighbours laugh loudly, play loud music, and scream across the corridor to each other, so loud that they give me frights often and wake me up in the middle of the night (especially during exam period). While I'd rather lock myself in my room and read books.

So my question is, is this normal for INTP's at uni? And how can I develop closer friendships with others, instead of being the friend on facebook who you know but never talk to?

Thank you for reading, and sorry for the post being so long.
 

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Oh yeah I'd say it's normal. I made no real friends, and I've stududied in two unis.

Uni is more for non-smart, social people.
 

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Imagine someone on your floor who is like you. How will they find you? You like to stay inside your room a lot, you don't talk very much apart from greetings... People can't see the real you unless you let them in somehow. You like books; I'm sure you're not the only one on your floor who likes to read. Try to strike up an intelligent conversation with someone. Just go to their room when they're alone - hanging out with someone one-on-one is a much easier way for an introvert to get to know people than at a loud party.

Even if it ends up not working very well, that person may tell their friends that you tried to talk about intelligent stuff, people will start to know you for something else than being reclusive. Show yourself a little. You will definitely get respect for it, and quite possibly friendship.

By the way, I made all of two friends at university, and many more since I graduated. There will always be a way. If you're too focused on making friends, your inferior Fe will manifest itself as trying to please people who aren't actually right for you. This takes a lot of energy and gives you very little in return. There are people out there like us, try to recognize them through little things like making associations that make sense to you, making you laugh, eye contact, clothing, anything.
 

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Well as TaoDao mentioned, you might be looking for the wrong people. You have to consider what kind of friendship do you want, do you want dozens of friends you hardly know and the only interaction is at some club (like the facebook friends) or do you want the deep bond with someone, really understanding each other supporting each other and being the real friends that care for each other...

I have been studying two universities... I struggled to find someone in the first one because it was in another town so I tried to go out with my "friend" I knew from high school, well I hardly knew her and I disliked the other people she has been partying with... So I went to few discos and stuff and just found out that it is really nothing for me... It gives really nothing, since the conversations are shallow and about s..t... Then I just gave up on this and thanks to the university we were sorted to teams (we were programming robots as a team activity) so I got into group of 4 people and we worked quite well together and I have made a friendship connection, especially with one guy that was quite fine and he lived at the same dormitory... We were having dinner together (at dorm canteen) and we were able to talk about tons of things...

The other uni I was really separated for quite some time, until I went to pub with the people I have seen at lectures and practise, I havent talked much there and it took quite some time until one introverted friend found me and at first chatted with me a lot and then talked a lot. Well funny thing I am usually the guy you ask when you have some problem and it used to be my only facebook contact with people, everybody asked me how to do that, when is the test and stuff... So I once wrote to this friend I have made: What do you need? I know you need something, because people chat with me only when they need something... And it touched her and she kind of seen that it is actually true and that she was just asking me for help so she felt guilty and decided to chat with me... Well we go extremely well together although she is an ISFJ, we are each other´s best friends after the 3 years. And I love this friendship, I would not change it for 15 disco friends... I do have some "friends" there too I am able to talk with, but it is just not really it....

I know it may be really hard to initiate with other introverts, not sure how much introverted you are, but I would say that you are looking for rather introverted friendships, that would be deeper than those disco clubs ... As Tao mentioned, you have to try to find someone like you and it might be hard to get through their shield as for them to get through yours... But it will worth it...
 

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I know it may be really hard to initiate with other introverts, not sure how much introverted you are, but I would say that you are looking for rather introverted friendships, that would be deeper than those disco clubs ... As Tao mentioned, you have to try to find someone like you and it might be hard to get through their shield as for them to get through yours... But it will worth it...
Why only introverts? Extroverts go great with introverts.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Try to strike up an intelligent conversation with someone. Just go to their room when they're alone - hanging out with someone one-on-one is a much easier way for an introvert to get to know people than at a loud party.
First of all thank you TaoDao for your reply, it's very helpful. I think my problem is that I find it difficult to approach people and initiate a conversation without some kind of previous footing, if you know what I mean. For example, I'd probably feel uncomfortable just suddenly going to someone's room and talking to them if I'm not very close with that person. It's not because I don't want to, but because I suspect the other person would find it a little weird of me just randomly wanting to talk to them, out of the blue. Is there any way to create a purpose for talking/socializing, or make it less awkward?

merlin89 and DemonD thank you for your replies as well, I really appreciate you sharing your experiences.:happy:
 

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I think my problem is that I find it difficult to approach people and initiate a conversation without some kind of previous footing, if you know what I mean. For example, I'd probably feel uncomfortable just suddenly going to someone's room and talking to them if I'm not very close with that person. It's not because I don't want to, but because I suspect the other person would find it a little weird of me just randomly wanting to talk to them, out of the blue.
A few basic scenarios:

1. Other person is an extrovert. Believe it or not, most extroverts like to talk without needing any cause or reason! They've been intrigued with how silent and mysterious you are. They want to hear what you think, what you like to do...

2. Other person is an introvert. Your contact will possibly be awkward initially because, as you say, introverts usually don't just randomly start a conversation with a person they don't know. However:

A: You have a natural rapport with this person: you make the same associations, you feel the same way about some things, you like to watch the same show, you are creative in a similar or (even better) complementary way, you have the same annoyances (loud noises possibly?). You will find out soon enough if you have enough in common to keep the new contact going. The initial awkwardness will be forgotten in a matter of minutes. I promise. This is how I became more social, and you can do it too.

B: You have no natural rapport with the other introvert: this is a little sad, but since you are both introverts, the contact will just fizzle out with no damage done.

I guess 2B is the worst case, apart from talking to an extrovert who you don't like at all, but who wants to keep hanging out. In such a case, just be yourself, don't go out of your way to make them like you more or less. In the end, they will see that it's not working and desist.

Is there any way to create a purpose for talking/socializing, or make it less awkward?
Talk about something that you both know you have in common. Just take care not to keep talking only about that, or it will turn forced and boring. You're gonna want to let yourself and your real interests shine through.

I'm going to need to repeat the biggest cliche of all time: be yourself... But adding on to it: If social time is exhausting, spend it wisely! Be yourself to the right people and it will pay off.
 

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I didn't connect much with people at school my first year. Just a few acquaintances to show for it. And I actually made an effort and was fairly outgoing back then.
Do you leave your door propped open in your dorm room? Sometimes that gives people an excuse to just pop in and say hello. Especially if you have music playing. The downside is you attract people that have nowhere else to go and they sometimes overstay their welcome. The upside is it makes you appear more approachable.
There may be some turnover next year too and you could have a bunch of new neighbors since people don't stick around in dorms very long. I lived in the same dorm for 4 straight years and each year was an extremely different experience.
 

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Terror bonds. Create a terrifying situation and impose it on somebody else, saying you need their help to get out of it, and they are affected by it too.

Proceed to rectify "dangerous" situation by leading person on an adventure, whereupon you both discover that it was nothing after all. Phew.

Now you have someone who is dependent on you in times of stress... wait. Oh, how to make friends... that whole drinking and acting like an idiot thing is part and parcel of the college social experience. If you don't want to make that kind of friend, you could just treat it as a chance to get out. You will invariably meet other people.. and you can swing through acquaintances until you land on somebody you can get along with.

Key thing is just to be slightly extroverted, initiate conversation and don't lie about your preferred style of communication. Keep in mind that most people invariably talk about stupid bullshit 24/7. You get friends by acting like a radar to them... they will come to you if you provide them satisfaction in some way, and hopefully that becomes mutual. There are people who will appreciate your INTP way of communicating, you just have to make yourself known to them however you can. And that's the key for making friends in life in general.
 

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I had two roommates in college(though we did live in a house), and we became pretty good friends. I haven't talked to either one in about year though, as they both live nearly all the way across the country from me. :tongue:

Here's how I made one good friend at college though. You know that first day when you are introduced to all the people in your year(I was in a small college)? I looked for the person who was sitting in a corner by themselves and scowling at everybody, and I went to strike up a conversation. Turns out she was even more sarcastic and cynical than me(and believe me that's not easy), and we became fast friends pretty much immediately.

My suggestion is: Go to the cafeteria and look for somebody who is sitting by themselves or with only one other person, don't bug them if they're studying, but if they seem to be just sitting, go and ask if you can sit beside them. Go with some conversations starters in mind, maybe even bring some interesting things that you can discuss, like your blood crusted machete or a trophy from one of your most recent murders. Just something interesting.

You may have to make a couple attempts, but eventually you'll come across someone/some people that are interesting and have some things in common with you.
 

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The kids are all friends because they are smoking marijuana together. l'm not fond of the drug myself but l made the decision to partake in my younger days.
 
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I'm having a similar problem, but I'm planning to be a lot more outgoing next year. Joining a few clubs and working together with others might be a good chance to make friends. Also, don't be scared of making a fool of yourself, because laughing at each other makes people become much closer. Of course, rejecting people's invitations so many times isn't a good idea... it makes it seem like you're unapproachable. However, this is something you can fix by being more outgoing and easygoing. If you really want to seriously connect with others you can make a really huge effort by catching up with all the fashion trends, music trends, tech trends etc. etc. and I'm sure all the knowledge will come in handy when you approach someone!
 

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I've completed my first year of university. It's a large research institution and I lived in the Honors dorm. I made several of what I'd call acquaintances, because it takes a good amount of time for me to be able to fully call anyone a friend. A friend, to me, is someone with whom I needn't worry about my relationship, and with whom I can both talk with and not talk with with the friendship remaining otherwise intact. If I don't keep in contact with my friends for a few months, I can reach out to them again and we'll still be friends. With acquaintances, the lack of a connection solidifies distance and prevents this. These are still people I enjoy hanging around. Not much contact was had outside of studying with them or eating dinner at the dining hall with them, but getting to know them was a positive experience.

Due to all of this, most of my friends are still from high school. I have known some of them since grade school, and some of them are also going to the same university as me, simplifying things for me. Without this, I'd have a lot fewer people to talk to, because although I'm pretty open to people, I don't approach them first. Most of my acquaintanceships were circumstantial, coming about through meeting people my friends already knew. I'll probably meet a few other friends, but they'll likely be added to the group of friends I already have (and such has already begun) rather than being an entirely new group of people.

My dad, who I also believe is an INTP, went to the same university for his latter two years studying architecture, and he similarly has more friends from high school than from college. Many often say that your friendships in high school are less important and less deep, but I think that for our type, we already look for good, strong friendships that take a lot longer to come by and to really solidify, so those friendships that we had in high school may be stronger and more worthwhile than some of the more "convenient" friendships many gather in college.
 

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You basically just described my life during first semester. I lived on a floor with 11 other girls and there were 3 floors in total. URGHHHHHH.

I joined a social group and instantly bonded with a few people there, maybe you should too?

Like a Reading club or something.
 
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Here's how I made one good friend at college though. You know that first day when you are introduced to all the people in your year(I was in a small college)? I looked for the person who was sitting in a corner by themselves and scowling at everybody, and I went to strike up a conversation. Turns out she was even more sarcastic and cynical than me(and believe me that's not easy), and we became fast friends pretty much immediately.
How did you start this conversation?
 

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How did you start this conversation?
Uh, the usual first year of college bullshit. What are you taking? What did you do before this? What are your plans for after college? And things of that nature.

The college I went to had a weekend retreat for first year students, and we got time to chat and do the whole "bonding" things there too. Strangely, it ended up that we had a lot of the same worldviews too, which was cool.
 

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+1 to looking for clubs/organizations that fit your interests. Like RoSoDude, I made most of my friends in elementary and high school. Most of my friends from college were in the same or similar majors (science), and so they were also often introverts. This past year, I was in graduate school, and I've made many friends with the current batch of students in my program (primarily because we have to work together to get good grades in some classes). I think I made more friends because they were mature and obviously really liked research. Also, +1 to that's suggestion about sitting with strangers at a cafeteria. I've done that a couple a times, and often it leads to interesting conversations.

Just remember, the people who say you won't make many friends after school are exaggerating. I know some people who seem like they're still stuck in high school, spending time with a group of their high school friends, and can't/won't move on, and I know others who have moved far away (sometimes to different countries) and have made many new friends.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Thank you everyone for your replies and advice, at least now I know I'm not the only one. :kitteh:
And thank you to the people who PM'd me, unfortunately my post count hasn't reached 15 yet so I can't reply to your PMs, but it shouldn't take too long for it to go up.
 

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I have actually made many more friends out in the real world than I did in school. Don't even worry.
 
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