Personality Cafe banner

1 - 12 of 12 Posts

·
Registered
INTP
Joined
·
3,909 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I'm in my 60s, and online dating men in their 60s and early 70s. So far, out of 3 men, 2 have asked me about my family.

I have a small but nice family, who live in various places. But that seems irrelevant to what we're doing. He will probably never even meet them. Is he afraid of family interference/divided loyalties? Checking my family values? Just looking for safe conversation topics?

Last night after I answered the family question (via text), the man said I seemed down. Yeah, sorta, because I'd rather talk about something else (but I didn't say that). Should I just come up with a short answer and change the subject?
 

·
Registered
ISFP
Joined
·
2,239 Posts
That’s interesting, why wouldn’t you want to talk about family? Seems perfectly logical. I wish my current interest would take more interest in my life and family.

I haven’t met very many other men like myself, but I ask because I’m interested in becoming a part of my love interest’s family. I’ve noticed it can be interpreted the wrong way if I use the wrong words, but I simply clarify my intentions. Subtly.

Though it would make sense if they’re asking about children. Maybe even secretly asking about children, but I’m in no position to suspect anything really. I’m much younger.
 
  • Like
Reactions: islandlight

·
Registered
INTP
Joined
·
3,909 Posts
Discussion Starter #3 (Edited)
I've had bad experiences with men's families, and/or men who use their family as a barrier between me and themselves. (Examples would take too long.) If they have a good relationship with them, that's nice, but I shy away from men who post grandchild pictures or who say their kids are their life. Coming in at this late stage, I probably wouldn't fit in.

I guess I just assume that we will be in our own little world. Sure we have other friends and family who might be in the picture. But why single out family? They don't ask me about my best friend or group of friends, who we're more likely to see.

And since we just met, wouldn't he rather know about ME, rather than, say, my sister, who is nothing like me?

I am really curious about this. It comes as a surprise.
 

·
Beer Guardian
ENTP 5w6 So/Sx 584 ILE Honorary INTJ
Joined
·
15,484 Posts
I've had bad experiences with men's families, and/or men who use their family as a barrier between me and themselves. (Examples would take too long.) If they have a good relationship with them, that's nice, but I shy away from men who post grandchild pictures or who say their kids are their life. Coming in at this late stage, I probably wouldn't fit in.

I guess I just assume that we will be in our own little world. Sure we have other friends and family who might be in the picture. But why single out family? They don't ask me about my best friend or group of friends, who we're more likely to see.

And since we just met, wouldn't he rather know about ME, rather than, say, my sister, who is nothing like me?

I am really curious about this. It comes as a surprise.
Your attitudes towards family are one of the ways some people choose to get to know you. It helps build a composite about you. The seemingly small details about your relations with them can give others clues about how you will relate towards potential suitors.
 

·
Registered
ENFP
Joined
·
4,195 Posts
What I'm hearing you say is you feel uncomfortable with these types of questions, when you both have barely just met. Instead of getting to know about you first (as most people often do), the pattern in your conversations seems a bit off. Maybe a bit rushed?

I've never dated someone who wanted to know about my family first before they got to know about me. Not unless if our family's knew each other and we were deliberately set up through other family members as acquaintances.

There's a certain level of comfort we reveal about our personal lives we disclose at different stages when getting to know someone (as a means to respect our own and others' personal boundaries).

Maybe your hunch is right. I'd trust it.
 

·
Registered
INTP
Joined
·
3,909 Posts
Discussion Starter #6 (Edited)
Maybe your hunch is right. I'd trust it.
Yes, I'm beginning to think they're not wrong, they're just different from me. Maybe too different.

@tanstaafl28 , My profile plainly states that, at my advanced age, my longest relationship was 4 years. You don't have to dig around for clues about my terrible relationship potential.

I married someone from another culture, confident in the knowledge that in that culture they have strong family values. I soon found out that wives weren't considered family.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,116 Posts
Some people are so attached to their family that the family affects the relationship, and people want to know whether that might happen.

I saw one person on an online dating site who actually required that her date have a good relationship with family. I'm not sure why, but one's relationship to one's family might provide clues about a person's mental health, support system, or how peaceful/stormy a person's life is.

Some people actually want to become part of their SO's family.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
74 Posts
Some people are so attached to their family that the family affects the relationship, and people want to know whether that might happen.

I saw one person on an online dating site who actually required that her date have a good relationship with family. I'm not sure why, but one's relationship to one's family might provide clues about a person's mental health, support system, or how peaceful/stormy a person's life is.

Some people actually want to become part of their SO's family.
These are all pretty good reasons someone would ask. I'd also be uncomfortable answering the question because my family relationships aren't great due to abuse that some in my family continue to deny or minimize. :cry: (The abuser himself is long gone.)

I have found it saddening to be judged on the downstream effects of something I didn't have any choice about as a child and would hope that more people would be able to understand that some of us detach or distance ourselves from our families out of self-preservation. However, if someone can't understand my choice, they're not right for me anyhow.

At the same time, I would love to become part of a SO's healthy family.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
993 Posts
The dynamics of a person's relationships are more telling of their character than their hobbies and general preferences are. Their relationship with their family is often the most telling of all. I'm assuming that men in their 60s and 70s may not have time for women they can't see a future with, so the family question or the next best thing is necessary.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,266 Posts
i'm in my 50's, and have been comfortably single for most of my adult life. i do think about this question a fair bit, but not in a very organized way. i don't think i would have thought about it nearly as much if i hadn't had that close contact with my dad in the very last years of his life.

I guess I just assume that we will be in our own little world.
i hear you, and that's my own default first thought as well, but i'm honestly not sure that it's possible. or maybe better to say: i've personally come to the conclusion/realisation that it's certainly tempting but i'm really not sure it would work for me personally.

the issue i see is how much sheer history people in my age group have by the time that we get to this age. i can't be arsed to keep track of/open tabs on my own earlier lives, forget about learning the entire separate history of some other stranger. and i do feel like by this point i've lived a couple of entire, complete lives.

so i definitely see the appeal of just drawing a simple bright line and saying 'okay, this side of it there is only us/now.' i just don't somehow think it would work. family are not the entirety of it, but i see it as just another one of a few interchangeable factors. it's all facets of who you are, and while you might not any longer want to sit around conducting audits on all/most of what makes you who you are, i'm not sure i'm personally easy with the idea of just having that 'who' spring full-formed and unaccounted for into a new relationship of any kind.

i don't know the answer, but i do see how family is significant to many people. and if i'm honest that's anothre one of the reasons why i think i'll probably just carry on solo, thank you. i can't be arsed with anyone else's family, and i'm not really able to believe anyone can/should pretend that any someone else i came across just doesn't have one. i'm not looking for anybody, but if i were i could see myself asking for the simple reason that i secretly know way down inside that i don't give a fuck. so i'd want to know how many of the bastards the party of the other part had, right up front.

i think my own current perspective on family may be a bit individual though. i honestly have spent the past couple of years reading all/most of the notable decisions handed down by my province's courts, and on the good side i've certainly learned a lot i had no clue about, about the whole morass of family law. i mean, better to know than not know, of course.

on the other hand, some of it certainly makes me think 'i'm just going to buy a bargepole and spend the rest of my life standing in a corner with it, poking approaching others to make sure they keep a distance that won't create any ambiguous shit in the eyes of the courts.'
 
  • Like
Reactions: islandlight

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,922 Posts
I don’t like people who exploit their daddy or mom hood on dating apps.

I immediately scroll away from anyone who posts their child’s image on their app. While I often prefer single parents. It’s sort of a disgusting thing to tell strangers too much about.

I put a disclosure in my past dating accounts (not currently active) that says I have two teenage daughters then I state out of transparency I’m a mother. But I also state that my kids are not a buffer or table talk and fodder for stranger.

I also tell people I don’t want to connect with them over what their 5 year old does, because I can go to a parent group for that. And frankly I don’t care if some single dad did his job of taking care of his child.

It’s a constant theme that dads of children often (not always) boast about, taking care of their children and parenting. As if it’s something deserve extra credit from a stranger for. This is not something I think is nearly as common for women to do. Women don’t tend to usually brag on social media and dating apps they are being a mother to their children.

Like WTF, good job weird dumbass on the Internet for showing others you care more about narcissistic validation than not exploiting your kids.

Anyways I don’t blame you for thinking it’s lame discussion in an intro. It is.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,568 Posts
I'm in my 60s, and online dating men in their 60s and early 70s. So far, out of 3 men, 2 have asked me about my family.

I have a small but nice family, who live in various places. But that seems irrelevant to what we're doing. He will probably never even meet them. Is he afraid of family interference/divided loyalties? Checking my family values? Just looking for safe conversation topics?

Last night after I answered the family question (via text), the man said I seemed down. Yeah, sorta, because I'd rather talk about something else (but I didn't say that). Should I just come up with a short answer and change the subject?
Family relationships are the quickest path to learn the particulars on how the person you're dating is broken. (Everyone is, it's just a matter of learning how and whether they have a grip on that stuff)

People who are grounded, who have healthy emotional availability and good communication habits/ boundaries tend to have functional, healthy relationships with their family provided they are also psychologically healthy, or tend to have a healthy distance from problematic family members and can fully articulate their rationale when asked.

Looking into family liaisons is one way of looking into your upbringing history to see how you're built psychologically, and what your behavioural patterns vis a vis affection, stress and conflict are.
 
  • Like
Reactions: islandlight
1 - 12 of 12 Posts
Top