Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 39 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,801 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I'm sure this is a regular topic but another round won't hurt :happy:

What do you think about open relationships?

I think if my marriage doesn't work out I think that will I will pursue this form of relationship. I'm attracted to the honesty of the form of relationship, and the acceptance of the reality of non-exclusive attraction.

I doubt it would be a wholly comfortable experience, but I think I think the deep honesty and acceptance that it facilitates would be worth the discomfort.

But on another forum I frequent somebody else made an series eloquent posts about her 10 year + open relationship.

Here's a few;

Which other alternatives? Is culturally enforcing monogamy on people who are not inclined towards it, better for them? With divorce rates at over 50% and adultery epidemic, perhaps it's time to reconsider if compulsory monogamy is really such a better option for most people

So sex is the only kind of loyalty?

In open relationships, people have loyalties of all kinds. Polyamorists decide for themselves what they will and will not do. They share everything with each other.

Sex is a hangup for most of us because of centuries of religious dogma. We make exceptions for sex in ways we don't for other things.

E.g. most married couples have friends, some very close friends, who they tell things to that they don't tell their spouses. Is that cheating?

What about spending money behind your spouse's back or on something they didn't want you to spend money on?

My point is just that, we can think of sex as the most important thing in a relationship, which is "owned" by your spouse, at the exclusion of all others, that is monogamy.

Or, you can see each other as individuals, who come together and share a life, love, happiness and yet do not "own" each other's sex.

Centuries of religious and patriarchal dogmas have made this seem like such a foreign idea, when there is anthropological evidence that this is how our closest primate relatives live, as well as hunter-gatherer tribes lived for millennia, until the advent of agriculture 6-10 thousand years ago, which also was the advent of patriarchy, the nation-state and organized religions.
Yes that's exactly my point. Just be who you are... be mono, be poly, be shagedelic. Just stay safe and don't hurt others and have fun.
If you're having fun, you probably won't feel the need to impose your life choices/preferences on others
What are your thoughts?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
923 Posts
Funny how the second video she describes sex the exact way I do. However, I am never going to have an open relationship. The reason why, sex is a beautiful thing, however I only want to share it with one person. It's fine to be sexual and have multiple partner, However she goes on about being a cheat, you're only a cheat if you promise to your lover that they are the only one. That you weren't straight forward from the start.

You see, starting a relationship as open I think is fine, you arent hurting anyone, but to go into what would be a monogamous relationship and change your mind well for one that shows how uncertain of yourself you are. Secondly depending on the person the relationship could be dead.

Also it completely depends on the people in the relationship. The biggest key is knowing yourself first before starting a relationship.

So to all the people out there, do whatever makes you happy as long as you don't hurt others int he process.
 

·
Fu Dominant
Joined
·
10,720 Posts
No thanks. As a demi-sexual, one significant romantic relationship is plenty for me. It's more meaningful, and well, more intimate. I have friends for most of what more than one relationship requires in other ways, but intimacy is on a whole other level. I'm a one-woman man, through and through. :eek:)
 

·
fire breathing dragon
Joined
·
2,810 Posts
Sorry, I couldn't do open relationships. I don't understand how people do it. But if it floats their boat they should go right ahead and do it. I wouldnt be surprised if a lot of people would do well in them. I think its important for people to really be honest with themselves and not do something because its socially constructed. Im not poly-amorous, but if a group of people were, it'd be none of my business. Society has a habit of telling people that doing X is wrong and Y is right. If you like open relationships, then look for someone else who does and dont bother trying to convince or convert someone who doesn't like them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,640 Posts
As a demi-sexual, one significant romantic relationship is plenty for me.
You know there are poly demisexuals, right? Not saying monogamy can't be a part of your sexuality, it's a part of the sexuality of a lot of people, but it's not inherently a demisexual trait. Demisexuality only describes how you experience sexual attraction, not what you do with it or how you conduct yourself in relationships.


Edit to be on topic: Have done, will always do open relationships if I ever decide to do romantic relationships again. Which is not likely anyway, but having a monogamous romantic relationship is at the bottom of the list of types of relationships I'm willing to engage in.
 

·
Ace of Spades
7w6 4w3 1w9 sp/so; Ni/Ne/Te-dom
Joined
·
3,253 Posts
People don't own each other. Where came the idea that love is limited to one person? We can love our friends and our family, why not more than one partner? I don't see how that takes away from the intimacy of a sexual act, an emotional, or intellectual connection.

Some of the most important things are communication and honesty, both of which are commonly lacking in relationships to begin with. With these in place, an open relationship is just as manageable as a closed one. It's not about seeing as many people as possible, it's about having the option to, minus the guilt.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
17,781 Posts
I'm sure this is a regular topic but another round won't hurt :happy:

What do you think about open relationships?

I think if my marriage doesn't work out I think that will I will pursue this form of relationship. I'm attracted to the honesty of the form of relationship, and the acceptance of the reality of non-exclusive attraction.

I doubt it would be a wholly comfortable experience, but I think I think the deep honesty and acceptance that it facilitates would be worth the discomfort.
But on another forum I frequent somebody else made an series eloquent posts about her 10 year + open relationship.
Here's a few;
What are your thoughts?
I agree with whoever you got those quotes from with the caveat that both parties can only have sex with someone who has medical proof that they don't have an STD. I am NOT about to contract an STD from my partner because they had sex with the wrong person

seriously though, why do people seem to think sex is the only form of loyalty? I'm extremely loyal to my best friend, but there is no way I'd have sex with him. monogamy is outdated and restrictive
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,615 Posts
I'm not a fan. I prefer to commit to one person and one person only. Though, I have never met anybody in real life who has actually pulled off an open relationship successfully (and that I think relates to the conservative nature of my town). The problem that generally occurs is attachment to a specific person who does not develop the same attachment back, and then jealousy and mistrust. The poster who said there has to be a lot of trust and honest communication is extremely correct.

In the mean time though, there are plenty of men who agree with my stance. Even if I wasn't getting married, I don't feel any pressure to conform to a new way of relationship that creates uncomfortable feelings. It's all a personal preference, isn't it?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
45 Posts
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Not once but twice. I don't think there's anything wrong with an open relationship, but I have found them to be exhausting. I like open, honest communication in my relationships, but I'm also an introvert. Working with one person to keep a relationship flowing is hard enough without adding even one more person into the mix. I felt lonelier in my open relationships than my monogamous relationships and just generally sad. It's extremely difficult for me to open to to a partner, so trying to do that with more than one person at a time is difficult. And the paranoia abut STDs and drama never ended for me.

I really wish poly had worked for me, but it just wasn't a good fit.
 

·
MOTM June 2011
Joined
·
6,992 Posts
Sounds exhausting.

But really, I've been in one, and neither of us ended up seeking anything outside of our relationship. We decided to just be monogamous.
It does sound exhausting :confused: I also would hate having to balance it and deal with family(s) depending upon how serious it is. I mean, if someone wants an open relationship, good for them. If someone wants a monogamous relationship, good for them.

My philosophy is: just stick with someone who wants what you want and don't push one over the other like it's better.

I'm not going to say monogamy is better than open relationships because that's a subjective opinion. That's just how I see it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,801 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
I mean, if someone wants an open relationship, good for them. If someone wants a monogamous relationship, good for them.

My philosophy is: just stick with someone who wants what you want and don't push one over the other like it's better.
I agree wholeheartedly.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,801 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
@Tactical Grace Can you go into more depth please?

Like why you felt lonely? And if you think the 'drama' was caused by the type of relationship and why? etc.

Genuine questions.

Good point about the downside of diffusing your energy in an open relationship. The type of open relationship I desire would be where mine and my partners relationship is the 'main focus' of energy, and as long as we keep 'us' the main focus then whatever else happens is cool.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
13,780 Posts
People don't own each other. Where came the idea that love is limited to one person? We can love our friends and our family, why not more than one partner? I don't see how that takes away from the intimacy of a sexual act, an emotional, or intellectual connection.

Some of the most important things are communication and honesty, both of which are commonly lacking in relationships to begin with. With these in place, an open relationship is just as manageable as a closed one. It's not about seeing as many people as possible, it's about having the option to, minus the guilt.
See there is a problem with that, namely my personal inability to deal with her loving someone else the same way as she loves me :). I'm a jealous bastard who craves all of her attention. I do agree about love thou. I haven't known real love until I considered forsaking all I wished for just so she'd be happy. Still I want that intimacy which excludes others from the same kind of love she and I share.

I mean I love my family and I'm sure a new girlfriend can deal with that, but how would you feel knowing that I love 2 of my ex girlfriends and I'm still best friends with one and that she loves me back the same way?

To me that specific relationship is something else, it isn't lust, it isn't friendship, it isn't sex, it isn't possessiveness or anything like that. Its something all consuming, I'd go as far as saying that it hurts to go without it. its like a part of me is missing when she is gone.

To turn that into casual something, or sex or what have you...its impossible <.<....anything outside of it pails in comparison and it requires no "official" commitment or what have you. I just care that deeply even if we aren't together.

^^ maybe someone who is Sx first can describe it better, maybe not...I guess one has to experience it with someone who feels the same way in order to understand. -.- I still share this with someone, even thou I broke up with her 2 years ago. I don't think a new girlfriend would understand or tolerate it thou.

It isn't even about sex or anything....idk how to describe it, but whatever. I don't share and no matter my level of caring for another, my current relationship has all of my attention :), if she can't mirror the same depth then it wasn't meant to be anyway. I'm not one for open relationships, but I don't mind others who are ^^ just not with me.

<.< I'd like to hear the emotional side of this on your end and how seeing other people works out, because I don't understand it....
 

·
Ace of Spades
7w6 4w3 1w9 sp/so; Ni/Ne/Te-dom
Joined
·
3,253 Posts
See there is a problem with that, namely my personal inability to deal with her loving someone else the same way as she loves me :). I'm a jealous bastard who craves all of her attention. I do agree about love thou. I haven't known real love until I considered forsaking all I wished for just so she'd be happy. Still I want that intimacy which excludes others from the same kind of love we share.

I mean I love my family and I'm sure a new girlfriend can deal with that, but how would you feel knowing that I love 2 of my ex girlfriends and I'm still best friends with one and that she loves me back the same way?

To me that specific relationship is something else, it isn't lust, it isn't friendship, it isn't sex, it isn't possessiveness or anything like that. Its something all consuming, I'd go as far as saying that it hurts to go without it. its like a part of me is missing when she is gone.

To turn that into casual something, or sex or what have you...its impossible <.<....
But see, that is a problem for the individual, namely you in this case. Are you implying that someone who has an all-consuming love for someone else will necessarily feel that way too? I simply can't agree with you on that point there. Something else that causes this (and I'm not saying this is true for you), is infatuation. I've been in love, and I can safely say it's nothing like infatuation. It's something much more eternal than that.
 
1 - 20 of 39 Posts
Top