Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 53 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
150 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Fellow INTJs, what are your opinions on cheating?

Personally, I think that the most important thing is whether or not it meant anything to the person. I don't get it when people overreact and say that it 'hurts' them. If the thought of the person you love being with someone else disconcerts you that much, anyone who has dated before would get on your nerves, no?

It's never happened to me so I wouldn't know but I think that it'd be unforgivable if the person kept cheating and betraying my trust with no regard to how I feel (I'm only saying that it doesn't matter in the end if it didn't mean anything because I can't help but think that the feeling of betrayal only feels like betrayal because society thinks that cheating is wrong, but subconsciously, I guess I would feel hurt and unable to trust the person if it kept going on) but if the person got drunk once and had no intention of cheating/ or did it just out of curiosity or it was a one time thing, I don't think it's that much of a big deal.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,055 Posts
if i was with someone who cheated on me, i would be disappointed. i tend to hold people close to me to a higher standard than the average human hillbilly

cheating is also disrespectful. it's not like finding out your partner likes animal porn or some shit like that. that, i could probably deal with. cheating is an active form of disloyalty that disregards the feelings of someone you have otherwise professed to care about, and like you said, why i would trust someone who could actively do that is why i find the whole thing so disgusting

i'd happily tell someone i'm with that i wanna bone other guys for example, rather than go behind his back and demonstrate first hand how little he meant to me in the first place. honesty > all in a healthy relationship imo...but i could just be naive

thinking someone who cheats on you out of curiosity is just a "one time thing" though, is definitely naive. human beings are selfish, opportunistic and pathologically deceptive creatures. imo if they get away with it once, they will rationalize it along the lines of "ok...i boned someone else and she didn't think it was a big deal...maybe she doesn't care about me like i thought...maybe i'll keep my options open then...fucking awesome ^_______________^"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
150 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
if i was with someone who cheated on me, i would be disappointed. i tend to hold people close to me to a higher standard than the average human hillbilly

cheating is also disrespectful. it's not like finding out your partner likes animal porn or some shit like that. that, i could probably deal with. cheating is an active form of disloyalty that disregards the feelings of someone you have otherwise professed to care about, and like you said, why i would trust someone who could actively do that is why i find the whole thing so disgusting

i'd happily tell someone i'm with that i wanna bone other guys for example, rather than go behind his back and demonstrate first hand how little he meant to me in the first place. honesty > all in a healthy relationship imo...but i could just be naive

thinking someone who cheats on you out of curiosity is just a "one time thing" though, is definitely naive. human beings are selfish, opportunistic and pathologically deceptive creatures. imo if they get away with it once, they will rationalize it along the lines of "ok...i boned someone else and she didn't think it was a big deal...maybe she doesn't care about me like i thought...maybe i'll keep my options open then...fucking awesome ^_______________^"
Well like I said, I wouldn't know cause I've never been cheated on. I'm just incapable of thinking that things are wrong just because it's the way it is.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,055 Posts
Well like I said, I wouldn't know cause I've never been cheated on.
have you ever been in a relationship?

I'm just incapable of thinking that things are wrong just because it's the way it is.
i didn't say it was wrong "just because". right and wrong are arbitrary, just like your feelings. so you'll only realize it's wrong when it happens to you lol

insight is being able to remove yourself from the equation and processing it without the necessity of having to experience it first hand
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,194 Posts
The foundation of any healthy relationship is to trust their partner in handling their feelings with care.

Cheating is a nonverbal way of saying "your feelings are worth jack shit. Whatever I am pursing is worth more than you." Is that not hurtful and a violation of trust? If you can't see it, it's could be a difference in empathy level.

There's no respect because there's no notice.
 

·
Registered
INTJ
Joined
·
603 Posts
Cheating is completely unforgivable. It is complete betrayal. It's a sign of having no respect for your partner, of complete selfishness, of cowardice, and having a complete lack of empathy or sense. Cheating is completely inexcusable, in my honest opinion. If you're not happy in a relationship, just end it! Don't go leading your partner on and lying to their face. Cheating does not and will not solve anything, it's just going to cause more problems and it's just plain wrong. Cheating doesn't "just happen", it is a conscious decision. So unless you have no free will or you're a complete moron, the "it just happened" bullshit is holds no grounds whatsoever.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
330 Posts
Capital Punishment
I take relationships to the grave and love is a bigger deal to me than those teenagers of my age who shallowly date people base on appearances.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
98 Posts
Fellow INTJs, what are your opinions on cheating?

Personally, I think that the most important thing is whether or not it meant anything to the person. I don't get it when people overreact and say that it 'hurts' them. If the thought of the person you love being with someone else disconcerts you that much, anyone who has dated before would get on your nerves, no?

It's never happened to me so I wouldn't know but I think that it'd be unforgivable if the person kept cheating and betraying my trust with no regard to how I feel (I'm only saying that it doesn't matter in the end if it didn't mean anything because I can't help but think that the feeling of betrayal only feels like betrayal because society thinks that cheating is wrong, but subconsciously, I guess I would feel hurt and unable to trust the person if it kept going on) but if the person got drunk once and had no intention of cheating/ or did it just out of curiosity or it was a one time thing, I don't think it's that much of a big deal.
Your logic is interesting, but it does not add up. Especially on the drunk part. People are not as likely to suppress certain actions when they drink, unlike when they do not drink. The concept is that it is within their capacity to cheat anyway -- drinking simply enables them to choose "Yes" far easier. But it has to be within their capacity to do so first.

I myself never cheated on my exes, and I expect potential partners to treat me with the same respect no matter what the circumstances. You cheat once on me, count me out of the relationship, and I'll gladly remove you from my life. That's my take on it. No excuses.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
452 Posts
Cheating, lying, stealing, whatever...it's all a betrayal of trust. If you don't have trust, you don't have a relationship.

Further, someone who says the encounter "wasn't important" is the type of piece of shit who has just devalued both you and the person s/he cheated with.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
90 Posts
Cheating is called "cheating" for a reason.
Someone is being deceived; cheated on, or hurt in the process. There is an imbalance and inequality in the individual's value within the relationship.
If you are open to it happening even once, that's called an open relationship or whatever sexual experience that you and partner should've been able to talk about beforehand without going behind each other's backs.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,276 Posts
If the thought of the person you love being with someone else disconcerts you that much, anyone who has dated before would get on your nerves, no?
Who someone dated before either of you knew the other even existed has nothing to do with someone cheating on you when both of you are purportedly in a committed relationship. Someone's dating life before you has nothing to do with you. What your significant other does once you're in a relationship with each other does.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
159 Posts
What if the cheating person was drunk on alcohol or too high on estacy to handle themselves?

Sent from my Nexus 6 using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
489 Posts
I don't think this subject is black and white. There's so many variables that go into it. Cheating in and of itself is a forgivable act in my opinion, but people usually cheat for specific reasons, and those are usually cause for more alarm. It's not easy being faithful in a long term relationship when humans aren't naturally hard-wired for monogamy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,421 Posts
What if the cheating person was drunk on alcohol or too high on estacy to handle themselves?

Sent from my Nexus 6 using Tapatalk
"Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker." There's a reason people go to watering holes to meet members of the opposite sex, and it's not always to find out the finer points of their intricate Fi values-system.

I suspect most INTJs would not be in a great hurry to be romantically serious with someone who used estacy [sic]. Most likely they'd rather correspond using old-fashioned paperstacy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,394 Posts
as far as i know it's never happened to me, although the first guy i got involved with had a cute little habit of pseudo-cheating and then 'confessing' to the person he was actually with, to try and get better attention from her. class all the way :laughing:

to your individual points:

- if someone i was with did cheat on me, i don't think i'd give a damn whether it 'meant' anything to him or not. it would almost certainly mean something to me, so i'd be incensed by any suggestion that his point of view was the one that matttered. mine is the one that matters when it's about what i want and like in my life.

- like others, i don't get the past-life parallel at all. pre-me is pre-me. post-me is making specific decisions where i'm one of the factors in what you decide. or i should be, and if i'm not then there's a problem with this. in fact, that might be one of the ways i define a relationship 'two people who mutually take one another into consideration when making decisions in life.'

- i can see that it is arbitrary, actually. you can have a conversation or a lunch with someone and that's not 'cheating' but somehow sex is. so we accept that 'promiscuity' is actually healthy in certain aspects of life, but sex isn't usually one of them.

- idk what to say about that; plenty of things might be 'arbitrary' but they mesh right with me. i'm not going to force myself to abandon them just because it is theoretically possible to experience life from a completely different mindset. or because there are certainly people who do. i actually have a few friends to whom the idea has never really made sense, but those people are them. i don't feel like it's zero-sum where only one mindset is 'right'. promiscuity isn't a problem unless it's a problem for one or both of the people involved. but if it is a problem then it IS a problem.

- so it's a mental compatibility thing even after you peel all the morality-ethics-etc out. i'm 'naturally' monogamous. if you're 'naturally' promiscuous we're not compatible and that's all she wrote. it's don't-pray-in-my-school-i-won't-think-in-your-church, in a way.

- i probably wouldn't even want to discuss it with someone who was stubbornly unrepentant or doctrinaire about their own point of view. i'd just stick to 'you can do what you like, but if you do this then you're not what i want. so fuck off'.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
294 Posts
I've been in a relationship with a guy for six years, he cheated on me once. I was pretty upset when I found out, I wanted to break it off. He apologized and promised that it would never happen again. I thought about it logically and realized that 1. it was a one night stand, 2. he was drunk, and 3. he had never shown signs of cheating before (or after), 4. It was a long distance relationship and I think he just felt lonely, 5. The person had been seducing him all night and shoving drinks down his throat. (Said person was a very manipulative friend who was bribed him for money afterward). -When I say manipulative, I mean she got into Juliard for acting and learned under lee Strasberg.

I haven't had any issues with cheating ever since. I actually want to break up with said person now simply because I don't think we're compatible anymore.

Sometimes cheating happens in a relationship. You have to decide based on the evidence of you're willing or capable of forgiving the person in question. I chose to be more forgiving in that instance, but there are plenty of instances in which I wouldn't have been so forgiving. If it had been a repeated offense, if the other person had been my close friend, if he wasn't drunk, I might have broken it off.

Unless you've actually been there, it's hard to say what you would actually do in that situation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
473 Posts
My partner and I know a couple who are still together after she cheated. They are really good together. He was gutted when it happened. Their relationship was on the rocks for while but they pulled it together. Actually, it was on the rocks beforehand given that she had an affair; apparently he was pretty mean (spirited) when drunk but the affair fixed that up too.

They are a couple I would never in my wildest dreams have imagined would tolerate cheating...and I'm pretty sure a repeat offence would finish them off for good but as @Felix5 said, it will depend on the situation; my current view is similar to Hugthevoid's and Lilysocks however I can't say for sure how it would go if it actually happened to me.

To go totally off track here...the affair the couple had set off a series of events that led to my partner and I meeting each other and getting together, so I find that I can't really be fully mad with her despite the pain and disarray both she and the guy she cheated with caused. Incidentally the guy she cheated with was married with children and they are still together too.
 
1 - 20 of 53 Posts
Top