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Hey guys :) Would really appreciate some advice on this situation with my boyfriend, cos it's bothering me quite a lot and I just want some honest opinions from people who share a similar mindset to him :p

So basically my boyfriend and I are both 24 and met about 3 or 4 months ago. At the beginning he was very intense, saying how much he liked me constantly, complimenting my appearance, my personality etc..He used to make me feel so wanted and he couldn't believe that I'd date him. However, he rarely ever says sweet things to me anymore. It really bothers me cos it's such a stark contrast. I wonder if he is used to me/bored or me or what...or that maybe he thinks I know this stuff now and to repeat it would be forced. I'm not really sure, however I still say sweet things to him so it bothers me that he doesn't make the same effort anymore.

What is funny is that he hasn't showed a lack of interest in other ways, we still talk constantly, hang out often, and he still offers to go out of his way to help me/does me favors, suggested we go on vacation together...So it confuses me why he's just stopped saying nice things to me :(

I half want to say something, but I feel like I shouldn't tell him to pay me more attention. It should come from him or it's not really sincere...?:rolleyes:

**Just wanted to add that all the cute things he used to say are a big part of why I liked him so much :/
 

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Hey guys :) Would really appreciate some advice on this situation with my boyfriend, cos it's bothering me quite a lot and I just want some honest opinions from people who share a similar mindset to him

So basically my boyfriend and I are both 24 and met about 3 or 4 months ago. At the beginning he was very intense, saying how much he liked me constantly, complimenting my appearance, my personality etc..He used to make me feel so wanted and he couldn't believe that I'd date him. However, he rarely ever says sweet things to me anymore. It really bothers me cos it's such a stark contrast. I wonder if he is used to me/bored or me or what...or that maybe he thinks I know this stuff now and to repeat it would be forced. I'm not really sure, however I still say sweet things to him so it bothers me that he doesn't make the same effort anymore.

What is funny is that he hasn't showed a lack of interest in other ways, we still talk constantly, hang out often, and he still offers to go out of his way to help me/does me favors, suggested we go on vacation together...So it confuses me why he's just stopped saying nice things to me :(

I half want to say something, but I feel like I shouldn't tell him to pay me more attention. It should come from him or it's not really sincere...?:rolleyes:

**Just wanted to add that all the cute things he used to say are a big part of why I liked him so much :/
When did you start actually dating? Do you know his enneagram type?

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INFPs can come across as very aloof and not really into the person he/she is spending time with. This is in high contrast with when they do express their deep feelings. It's difficult for even other INFPs to make sense of when we encounter another INFP.

You simply have to trust, that deep within, your boyfriend finds you wonderful company or he wouldn't suggest vacationing together.

I had a wonderful time dating an ISFP and I often felt quite comfortable with her. We could do anything together and enjoyed it. Usually, we enjoyed it even more when we reflected the next day on it.
What drove me away from her was the sense that she grew no closer in terms of trust with me. I got tired of reassuring her everytime that I did love her.

Again, having met other INFPs IRL, I can see why she was never certain what I was feeling or thinking most of the time.

I'm not sure that people who need constant reassurance can enjoy an INFP.
 

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INFPs generally don't find it natural to give compliments (in my experience, it usually comes out wrong and make the person feel awkward). I was actually surprised he ever did that in the first place.
When I feel love or admiration for someone I mostly don't even have a specific thing in mind that I like about them, it's just a general intense feeling. I have to think a bit to recognize what triggered that feeling about them. I don't usually compliment as much as I express adoration. I know many INFPs forget to tell the other person what they like about them.

One thing you can do is just mention how much those compliments meant to you. For example "When you said those things to me, it never failed to make me smile." He'll remember that for sure and probably make an effort to do it more often. At least for me, it's somehow extremely difficult to imagine the impact I have on another person. I technically know it, but when it comes to romantic interests, the constant self-doubt gets in the way.
 

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Hey guys :) Would really appreciate some advice on this situation with my boyfriend, cos it's bothering me quite a lot and I just want some honest opinions from people who share a similar mindset to him :p

So basically my boyfriend and I are both 24 and met about 3 or 4 months ago. At the beginning he was very intense, saying how much he liked me constantly, complimenting my appearance, my personality etc..He used to make me feel so wanted and he couldn't believe that I'd date him. However, he rarely ever says sweet things to me anymore. It really bothers me cos it's such a stark contrast. I wonder if he is used to me/bored or me or what...or that maybe he thinks I know this stuff now and to repeat it would be forced. I'm not really sure, however I still say sweet things to him so it bothers me that he doesn't make the same effort anymore.

What is funny is that he hasn't showed a lack of interest in other ways, we still talk constantly, hang out often, and he still offers to go out of his way to help me/does me favors, suggested we go on vacation together...So it confuses me why he's just stopped saying nice things to me :(

I half want to say something, but I feel like I shouldn't tell him to pay me more attention. It should come from him or it's not really sincere...?:rolleyes:

**Just wanted to add that all the cute things he used to say are a big part of why I liked him so much :/


I don't think that's strange. Regardless of personality types; it's bizarre if he was always giving you "compliments". (I don't think most INFPs are superficial either.) I typically don't give out compliments like that but, when I do- I mean them and I don't see the need to keep saying them. (I see it this way: I'm not your fan; I'm your partner.)

Do you want to be in a relationship or rather- have someone to feed/supply your ego? (If it's the latter, then there's always insta and snap...lots of fuckboys there)

It sounds like you want the relationship/him for adoration rather than building/sharing each other's lives together. Superficial adoration should come from yourself (well... it's not exactly needed in ones self, in my personal opinion- but, I guess some people need it...) and it shouldn't 'make or break' (or question) the relationship if he's not feeding your ego. I say this because I view relationship partners as equals; they're never way more or less than the other so, I don't get why you would want to hear "compliments" like: "I can't believe you'd date me..." I'd find such comments troubling and question why he would think that way and try to absolve it; not feed into it and crave such insecurity out of others, but- to each; their own.


And when you say "pay me more attention"... I don't see what "compliments" have to do with this? Do you expect him to sit there and feed you "compliments" all day long? I see no correlation.

I would take a step back and re-evaluate what you seek from him, what you want for yourself and what you need in a relationship.
 

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I don't know...why do you want to hear him say sweet things to you?

Maybe you should tell him how you feel and why you want to hear that. I imagine you wouldn't care if some random guy on the street said those things or gave you compliments. Perhaps it might be helpful for you to tell him how you feel and also tell him your desires.

Of course, that doesn't mean he'll actually fulfill them, but in the past it's been helpful to me to articulate feelings and express desires. Sometimes I find the process more rewarding than any outcome I'd imagined I'd wanted.

Good luck.

I've found it very rewarding to be able to admit to vulnerabilities such as desiring to hear reassurance and wanting various things. I don't think there's anything wrong with what you want, but of course it would entirely be his choice to fulfill those desires or not. I don't see why communicating your wants to him would make his behavior any less authentic than if you didn't communicate to him. It seems it would just make it more informed.
 
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I don't think that's strange. Regardless of personality types; it's bizarre if he was always giving you "compliments". (I don't think most INFPs are superficial either.) I typically don't give out compliments like that but, when I do- I mean them and I don't see the need to keep saying them. (I see it this way: I'm not your fan; I'm your partner.)

Do you want to be in a relationship or rather- have someone to feed/supply your ego? (If it's the latter, then there's always insta and snap...lots of fuckboys there)

It sounds like you want the relationship/him for adoration rather than building/sharing each other's lives together. Superficial adoration should come from yourself (well... it's not exactly needed in ones self, in my personal opinion- but, I guess some people need it...) and it shouldn't 'make or break' (or question) the relationship if he's not feeding your ego. I say this because I view relationship partners as equals; they're never way more or less than the other so, I don't get why you would want to hear "compliments" like: "I can't believe you'd date me..." I'd find such comments troubling and question why he would think that way and try to absolve it; not feed into it and crave such insecurity out of others, but- to each; their own.


And when you say "pay me more attention"... I don't see what "compliments" have to do with this? Do you expect him to sit there and feed you "compliments" all day long? I see no correlation.

I would take a step back and re-evaluate what you seek from him, what you want for yourself and what you need in a relationship.
Hm, I can see how you'd get that vibe from what I'm trying to say, but that's not where I was coming from. I'm not saying I want a "fan", I want an equal obviously. My problem isn't that he's not pumping my ego anymore...I'm less bothered about the actual compliment as to the fact that I'm clearly making less of an impression on him that he doesn't feel compelled to say nice things to me anymore...which would make me think he's gotten bored of me. I still tell him often how much I appreciate him and I do care about him a lot. He absolutely loathes any kind of confrontation and I worry that he could become bored and not end things just because he finds it easier...
 

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Hm, I can see how you'd get that vibe from what I'm trying to say, but that's not where I was coming from. I'm not saying I want a "fan", I want an equal obviously. My problem isn't that he's not pumping my ego anymore...I'm less bothered about the actual compliment as to the fact that I'm clearly making less of an impression on him that he doesn't feel compelled to say nice things to me anymore...which would make me think he's gotten bored of me. I still tell him often how much I appreciate him and I do care about him a lot. He absolutely loathes any kind of confrontation and I worry that he could become bored and not end things just because he finds it easier...


You say you guys do things together often, talk a lot, he goes out of his way to help you and he wants to go on holiday with you... yet, you're worried about "compliments"? Perhaps it's due to the large differences of how I see view a relationship- as compared to your views on it- but, I still don't understand why you need him to say "nice things" when he's putting his words into actions.

If he says "I can't believe you'd date me..."- to me, I'd just see it as 'okay, and...?' but, if he were showing it (doing things with me, being around me, talking to me, going out of his way to help me and proposing to go on holiday with me, etc.)- then yeah, I'd understand why he'd say that comment in the first place because no one in their right mind would want to be around someone (or help them with anything) if they didn't like them.

I wouldn't view it as him not being interested in you. Judging by what you've said- he seems like he's showing you that he likes you. If you were to flip this scenario: he talks about liking you but, never shows it vs. he shows that he likes you but, doesn't verbally tell you as often as he once did- which would you choose? (I think he might have said those things because the relationship was so new and there was no history between you two/to go on but, now that you guys are together- he's able to put those comments into action.)

Again, perhaps it's my views that I find superficial comments as a mere "side dish"- rather than being the "main course"- that I just don't find it to be that bad of an issue. If it's comments that you want; I would express it to him and maybe he'll put in the effort to say things but, I highly doubt it will mean anything to him if he doesn't feel compelled to say such things on his own.

Anyways, best of luck.
 
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Ask him why he doesnt say the sweet things he used to anymore? Don't say 'why dont you compliment me anymore?' because that is/sounds needy. I hope you feel like you can ask him about this now because if you can't inquire how eachother feels based on their actions in a relationship it will probably be full of misunderstanding, distrust, confusion etc. (basically just not good lol). Also remember to be sensitive about it, it could be that he has a deeper issue that's stopping him from feeling like be sweet, or he may have not realised that he stopped and he could be embarrassed or get defensive, or maybe he might even be upset that you care and react like some others in this thread, wandering if compliments were the only value you ever got from the relationship, and whether that's selfish (I don't think this about you by the way haha ^-^) but nonetheless you should say something I think, because you care, or cared at some time, and I think it's therefore important to both know about and understand. If you can't sensitively get him to open up (ie not just pestering him until he cracks and otoh not being too direct/intrusive/assuming) maybe an infp boy isn't for you.. but i hope that be is, and i hope this helps :)
 

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Surely it's a bit soon for that phase to be over :p
I think so too. How long did you guys (got to) know each other before you became a couple? New people are always super interesting, and if theyre nice and charming its easy to be sweet and flirty with them until the point where you learned everything - and then realise that you don't want to be as close anymore longterm.

However you both agreed to be together so it was a thought out plan. It may just be him being this way, or he is not sure yet about how much he loves you and don't want to intensify the relationship more / deeper as of yet? Maybe he's a bit unsure/scared and tries to cool it a little for now and see how it goes and where things go? I think this is common behaviour in new relationships. My INFP ex did the same thing. Like a beginners hurdle.
Everyone is different, but yea, as I recall I didn't stop with saying the nice things and being outspoken about love in my relationship. I would stop it though if I felt that this is not what I wanted, but I don't start a relationship unless i'm 100% sure and all-in.

I guess you just have to give it some time and see where it goes and what he does. It's easy to make it 'more' or read more into it than it may be. If it really starts to worry you then you should communicate with him of course :)
 

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I think this is more a case of he thinks you know and he doesn't want to be repetitive.

You do want to say something. And don't worry if other people say that you shouldn't want compliments, you DESERVE compliments OFTEN. A daily thing is not realistic, but at least weekly, absolutely realistic! And you have to bring it up, in a sweet non-acusatory way.

So it confuses me why he's just stopped saying nice things to me :(
Don't worry, sometimes INFPs are not super expressive with their words. I know I'm not, and this used to hurt my ex partner, poor thing! I had no idea that I wasn't being expressive with my words, because I express my adoration via my actions. Like I will cook for you, and buy you slippers to walk in my house, and support you with your classes and help you study, etc etc. And words of affirmation is something that isn't super natural to me, BUT!!!! That doesn't mean we don't want to give you that, but reminding us that you need it is of immense help.

I half want to say something, but I feel like I shouldn't tell him to pay me more attention.
From you post I'm not reading it as if what you want is more attention. I'm reading that what you want is more words of affirmation. Am I reading this wrong? You stated that nothing else has changed, and you enjoy plenty of attention. And I quote:

What is funny is that he hasn't showed a lack of interest in other ways, we still talk constantly, hang out often, and he still offers to go out of his way to help me/does me favors, suggested we go on vacation together.
That is acts of service & quality time. Those are my top 2 love languages as well. Words of affirmation is important, but it's not a love language that I speak fluently.

It should come from him or it's not really sincere...?
Nonono. This is a misconception. And I understand the sentiment & the logic behind it, but it's not true. He is used to keeping feelings inside and to express them via actions, not words. Most likely because he has a belief that actions speak louder than words.

I had my boyfriend ask me for more verbal validation, and I was like "OMG I had no idea you felt this way! I'm so so so sorry, let me correct myself!" and I made notes in my phone to remind myself to be more verbal. It is not insincere AT ALL. The feelings are there, and they consume us, so much so that we do behavioral affirmation for our partner, because we have a need to express love. It's just a matter of being fluent in different love languages.

It's just... we might think that we are repetitive if we say something too much. Because repetitive = I see myself as an annoying person if I think I'm repetitive.

Bring it up to him. Now if he's willing to be more expressive, don't be surprised if over time it fades again. This doesn't mean anything as long as he's still doing acts of service for you & having quality time. It fades simply because, like I said, it's not a love language he speaks fluently, so his muscle in this department is not strong. So he might forget to do that after a while. But don't freak out, please. Just bring it up again, without being mad or anything.
 

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That is acts of service & quality time. Those are my top 2 love languages as well. Words of affirmation is important, but it's not a love language that I speak fluently.


I had my boyfriend ask me for more verbal validation, and I was like "OMG I had no idea you felt this way! I'm so so so sorry, let me correct myself!" and I made notes in my phone to remind myself to be more verbal. It is not insincere AT ALL. The feelings are there, and they consume us, so much so that we do behavioral affirmation for our partner, because we have a need to express love. It's just a matter of being fluent in different love languages.
The "love languages" that Entheos is talking about, if you haven't heard about it before, can be found here:
Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages®

They are: "Words of Affirmation", "Acts of Service", "Receiving Gifts", "Quality Time", and "Physical Touch".

Which of those five love languages we value most are the ones we tend to use toward other people, not realizing that they may have different ways they like to be shown love. It may be you value "Words of Affirmation", while he values "Acts of Service" and "Quality Time". Knowing this, you both can adjust how you show love to the other.
 

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Eh, I just broke up with an INFP boyfriend a month ago...the beginning was very much like you described, but in the last week of the relationship it all kinda fizzed out. And I ended it for various reasons, but that's besides the point---

what matters most is what he told me his last relationship had been like:

He'd dated this one girl whom he was infatuated with and complimented often and all that stuff, but as time went on he felt more and more uncomfortable about the situation and stopped saying those things, but continued dating her because he didn't have the heart to break up with her. I hope for your sake that's not what's happening, but honestly it's what it sounds like.

So I suggest asking him directly if he's happy with your relationship at the moment. If he seems really hesitant to say something, you have your answer.
 

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And when the infp gets sugary, he is blamed for being too sweet and emotional. why do women complain so much about relationships, what do they want from men?
 
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