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Im writting this to ask many oppinions on the matter ive recently noticed. One of my primal motives in life has always been selfgrowth and the motive to feel complete. It hasnt even been half a year since i learned about typing, and i am kind of new in this community as well, this is my second post after all. What i am about to ask everyone here for opinions, is one of the main reasons i got interesed into joining this community, i have just been busy and almost forgot about it.
The closest friend of mine in the last 4 years (since i got into the university) has been an ESFJ. I came close to him at first without really realising it but there has been something that drew me into him. In every relationship we make one of the basic reasons we subcontiously create it, is the fact that we want something of the person on the other side of it (whether it is friendship or something deeper). Now the more things each one of the people who hold that relationship provides to the other, the stronger the need for the relationship to grow stronger and to be kept alive.
As i mentioned before this guy is an ESFJ. When i searched to understand the cognitive functions i noticed something. His functions are in the opposite order mine are (ENTP here), which means we got exactly opposite viewpoints in life. He was the most trusting and closest one of my friends and now i had found a way to understand why this was happening to me. I believe having any kind of relationship with the types that use the opposite functions you do evolves you and helps you grow.
My friend as a ESFJ is really good with the present, with details, with information i have a hard time recalling because i find useless. He also uses emotion as a primary head force in whatever he does. What he lacks is the ability to make connections and he needs absolute sincerity when you talk to him. He has a hard time thinking for his future and for his plans since it feels more like a bother to him(at least at first). For me its just the opposite. I am good at planning for the future, speaking too much theory, making connections and being intuitive in general. What i lack is his strengths. What i have found out by spending time with him is that we have somehow come so close by filling eachothers gaps and guarding our weaknesses. So instead of saying something like i dont need stupid pragmatic details and info in my life, it feels too much plain for me and not interesting, i chose to stay with him and grow.Thats the same thing he did. Right now i ve becaome way better at scheduling things, even if i do it subconcsiously. I tend to look at the details way more than i did in the past. He on the other hand has become way stronger with his ne (when i first met him he needed us to explain everything to him, and that even ruined many jokes) and now enjoys theories and asumptions as well. I mean you would normaly find it unbelievable if an ESFJ cared for MBTI and psychology in the age of 22 right? Well he does.
And since our relationship became like this, we both become better, we change to adapt in each others ways and we can have discussions for hours from the most simple subjects to the most deep and theoritical ones.

But friendship and selfgrowth is only one aspect of what im trying to point out here. I think that many choose the opposites types as the people who end up making the strongest relationships with. My father (also ENTP) for example went after my mother probably because she is ISFJ. Not like any of them has any idea about typing and functions, it just happened uncontiously. For me my last relationship was the most genuine i have ever had and it was also with a ISFJ ironicaly. My sister who is also an ENTP chooses friends as the closest who are mainly ESFJ or ISFJ, also doing it unconciously. Also one friend of mine who fell in love to the point that he left his girlfriend so she could be happier and then couldnt forget her for 3 whole years is an INTJ while she is probably ESFP.
I have no doubt that whatever the relationship, when two so much fundamentaly different manage to get close, the affection is huge. It also helps each one to grow more complete.



1) What are your opinions on the matter? Is the saying "Opposites attract" true after all?



2) Also do you think that this is what love is all about? ( I mean ive never trully felt the feeling so i dont even know if it exists, but if i ever came close to feeling it it happened in my past lelationship with the INFJ.)
 

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To be perfectly honest with you, I think it has more to do with relative maturity and the (more-or-less conscious) effort you're willing to go through to bring the best out of your partner.

I tend to not get along with ESFJs at all, but I do understand them. My father's an ESFJ, but I haven't been able to establish close bonds with anyone else of a similar type. It's also worth noting that my father and I clashed constantly when I was younger-- a relationship that only improved with time and a little distance.
 

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To be perfectly honest with you, I think it has more to do with relative maturity and the (more-or-less conscious) effort you're willing to go through to bring the best out of your partner.

I tend to not get along with ESFJs at all, but I do understand them. My father's an ESFJ, but I haven't been able to establish close bonds with anyone else of a similar type. It's also worth noting that my father and I clashed constantly when I was younger-- a relationship that only improved with time and a little distance.
Yeah its true that different opinions get to clash at first, but isnt exactly because of that that the relationship that remains afterwards is stronger? I mean if the world was full of NTs like us wouldnt it be a boring place to live? The other types, no matter how different and hard to approach they seem to be, can teach you a lot of new things as well as new perceptions of life.
 

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Yeah its true that different opinions get to clash at first, but isnt exactly because of that that the relationship that remains afterwards is stronger? I mean if the world was full of NTs like us wouldnt it be a boring place to live? The other types, no matter how different and hard to approach they seem to be, can teach you a lot of new things as well as new perceptions of life.
I agree with you re: diversity. Like I said, it's up to how you negotiate those type-related differences. You and this other person will be the ultimate arbiters of whether or not this'll work. I gave my experience with the type (as an NT with the same functions as you), but my case/context is different-- you could very well hit it off with this person.

While I don't get on with ESFJs as much, I do have very good relationships with a number of ENFJs. I hope things work out for you!

EDIT: I reread your post, and it appears you have far more experience with the type (and its adjacents) than I do. If you're familiar with xSFJs work and how to communicate with them, I suppose this shouldn't be too much of a problem. Don't overthink it so much. See how it plays out.
 
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I agree with you re: diversity. Like I said, it's up to how you negotiate those type-related differences. You and this other person will be the ultimate arbiters of whether or not this'll work. I gave my experience with the type (as an NT with the same functions as you), but my case/context is different-- you could very well hit it off with this person.

While I don't get on with ESFJs as much, I do have very good relationships with a number of ENFJs. I hope things work out for you!

EDIT: I reread your post, and it appears you have far more experience with the type (and its adjacents) than I do. If you're familiar with xSFJs work and how to communicate with them, I suppose this shouldn't be too much of a problem. Don't overthink it so much. See how it plays out.
Thanks man, ive certainly found my peace with ESFJs or ISFJs, but thats not the case. Its not only them i ve been wondering about, they just happen to be the opposites to me and you.
I wonder about the opposites as a whole, and if they can really form the strongest kind of relationships together when there is mutual understanding. Now its not like i begin typing every single time i want to start a relationship to qualify the other person, but it would be really interesting if our opposites are the answer to complete ourselves, and maybe learn about love.
 

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I wonder about the opposites as a whole, and if they can really form the strongest kind of relationships together when there is mutual understanding. Now its not like i begin typing every single time i want to start a relationship to qualify the other person, but it would be really interesting if our opposites are the answer to complete ourselves, and maybe learn about love.
In almost every considered way (scientific, human, biblical, etc) relationships seem to be meant for complementation. Someone has where you lack and you aim towards the same goal.
The easiest person to find who lacks where you don't and vice versa is a direct opposite, but you won't marry everyone who has what you're looking for because they may not be heading the same way you are (figuratively speaking), which is essential for relationships to last (which explains why euphoric, infatuation-based, hormonal relationships don't last. There's no goal, they're not working towards anything).

The "love of your life" will most likely be found in the path you're walking, not in your search for her, but in the search of something greater, this person becoming someone you'll walk with until the path ends, and ideally, the person who'll help you to choose another one afterwards.
 

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In almost every considered way (scientific, human, biblical, etc) relationships seem to be meant for complementation. Someone has where you lack and you aim towards the same goal.
The easiest person to find who lacks where you don't and vice versa is a direct opposite, but you won't marry everyone who has what you're looking for because they may not be heading the same way you are (figuratively speaking), which is essential for relationships to last (which explains why euphoric, infatuation-based, hormonal relationships don't last. There's no goal, they're not working towards anything).

The "love of your life" will most likely be found in the path you're walking, not in your search for her, but in the search of something greater, this person becoming someone you'll walk with until the path ends, and ideally, the person who'll help you to choose another one afterwards.
Hm i dont even recognise myself right now. What have i been thinking. That is too romantic for my tastes. You mentioned marriage and i freaked out "Have i shown this kind of image?". Well to be honest when im searching for a partner (date or whatever) if we get over the appearance issue thats the most important part for men, what i care for is how interesting the person in front of me is. She doesnt necessarily have to have the same interests as me, but i really want her to show passion about what she likes. She feels more real and more of a human that way. So if im looking for relationships ill have long talks when the sex is done or put aside to see how well we can do with each other. The ISFJ i had a thing with didnt show the basic ISFJ image at first and seemed really passionate (mainly came after her because of her looks though), but in the end she made me notice again this thing about the opposites, after almost a year together.
Maybe im thinking this whole thing because of her, or maybe its just another interest for me to experiment on a new possibility. I dont know. I just came here for opinions so i can have a bigger picture of this reasoning of mine.
 

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I definitely think opposites have greatest potential to grow and make good of each other. I also agree the world would be boring if we were all NTs...as much as we deny it on the surface there is something of value in the immediate sensory world and the world of emotions....there is a LOT to say for those things..we just aren't in touch but in the moments where someone grabs you and allows you to be, invites you into their world..it all starts to make sense a bit, where we were blind and why .....what we feared and why we shouldn't have been scared..and we can do that for others too. Its what makes bonds great. Think of kick ass teams of any sort...they all bring something to the table and have amazing dynamic connections with each other... Opposites attract for sure, but we both have to be willing to see the best in each other, to give the other the benefit of the doubt where we simply don't understand until we start to, and there is a lot to gain in that. It's easy to do whats comfortable....but what makes us happiest is usually a challenge, something we worked for and thus value so much more.

2) you've never loved a person? ----- doesn't have to be romantic love, what about infatuation?
 

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Actually I think NFJs are the easiest for me to at least feel some emotional connection around (I do not usually get that feeling around other types as much) not even meaning romantic. But simply whether be platonic or even romantic feelings regardless, emotional connectivity or expression comes easier for me around them.

That does not mean they do not as a general collective group have some idiosyncrasies which throws me off (they do).
My sister is my best friend and she is INFJ
I have two close friends who are ENFJ
Of those 2/3 I connect with well
I know I crush on NFJs easy
My boss is ENFJ I literally have a love hate thing for him I both want to bitch slap him and yet can’t help but find him sincerely endearing

When I argue with NFJs it seems more emotionally intense than in most other instances I have argued with people. When my sister and I have gotten in fights they were definitely passionate tehe I think this is something people would pay to see a cat fight for.

Pretty much the clash is the worst quality of each type in stereotype

My sister does not like my obnoxious peacock or my abrasive explosive side
I don’t care for her sanctimonious bossy self righteous shit
We are fine when we respect our limits and boundaries with each other. I understand not to trample on her virtues and insight in most cases and she understands in most cases that I will snap shit if she starts talking like a preacher. I know to tone down my obnoxiousness within reason around her and use my insight more instead of deflect or trivialize for examples

So to me at least with the opposition they are probably the easiest for me to connect with emotionally (and physically where that has applied) but there can be some disconnect with mental energy at times
 

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Ime, there's definitely a pattern of opposites attract. Many friend/relationships have been with Sensors.
It's quite possible that we look to others in an attempt to find our unconscious personalities outside of ourselves. This can be either love or hate, but the intensity of the attraction could indicate the degree of unconscious projections involved.
When it comes to to falling in love, Jungs theory was that it's triggered by our unconscious 'other half'. He believed that men have an inner female (Anima) and women have an inner male (Animus) and it's those inner aspects that we continually seek outside of ourselves. We actually fall in love with an inner image, projected onto a real person who is a suitable hook to hang our projections onto. It's more complex when it involves homosexual individuals, but similar principles of unconscious opposites apply.
 

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I tend to be attracted to T over F, but always N.
Not that I don't have S friends but there's always a distance between us.
 

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People tend to go for a combination of the familiar and unfamiliar. In any relationship people want to learn from the other. When spending time with others, things tend to rub off.

I'm together with an ISFJ. We overlap in our IJ, organizing information stance. We both love alone time and analyzing things (and people obviously). Our auxiliary Fe is similar which helps in our outlook on life.
Our big difference is the dominant function, Ni vs Si. I'm creative and dreamy where she's pragmatic and realistic. We help each other and learn from another.

I think all relationships have points where you overlap and where you fill in each other's weaknesses. You can be opposites in one respect and similar in others.
 

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The actual evidence hints at similar types attracting each other: Compatibility and Your Personality Type | Truity
Yeah i ve seen that one, but i like testing new possibilities. The opposites attraction is something you can see some times in your life but it rarely happens because its diffucult to evolve a realtionship of this kind to its final stage where it gets this strength.
 

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I think it's ideal to have similar focus, and differing behaviours. So with a partner, friend, teammate, etc. You can move in the same directions, but you both have different tools and methods of getting there.

That's how I often think about my attraction toward INFJs as an ENFP anyway- we have practically identical core focuses and interests (within the scope of MBTI), but we have totally opposite behaviours and approaches. However, other people don't follow this exact pattern within MBTI I guess so I dunno.

Someone too similar is nice to get along with but you end up sort of overlapping your approaches so you don't add as much to each other's capacities, while someone with opposing focuses might have you pulling in different directions.
 

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Discussion Starter #18 (Edited)
Ime, there's definitely a pattern of opposites attract. Many friend/relationships have been with Sensors.
It's quite possible that we look to others in an attempt to find our unconscious personalities outside of ourselves. This can be either love or hate, but the intensity of the attraction could indicate the degree of unconscious projections involved.
When it comes to to falling in love, Jungs theory was that it's triggered by our unconscious 'other half'. He believed that men have an inner female (Anima) and women have an inner male (Animus) and it's those inner aspects that we continually seek outside of ourselves. We actually fall in love with an inner image, projected onto a real person who is a suitable hook to hang our projections onto. It's more complex when it involves homosexual individuals, but similar principles of unconscious opposites apply.
Yeah i ve read "the art of seduction", what you said is written there as well. Well understanding complicated things for us might bring us closer to being complete or to love.
 

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Thing is, it depends.

I'm a kind, gentle, responsible person, and I usually fall for carefree, daredevil, tough, flirty women. It's definitely a personality contrast, but as an ISFJ, and being attracted to ESTP, there's something important we have in common, Fe and Ti. It actually makes a huge different, no matter if it's a tertiary function, that an ESTP has Fe in their stack. I get along with TP's pretty well because of this.

However, you could say that an ESTJ is the DIRECT opposite of me, and I get along with them the least! They have no Fe in their four functions, and Fi is really low on that stack, which would really mess me up.
 

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I think love can happen with all types but I definitely can understand the pull of opposites. I'm an ESFJ married to an INTP so we share the same functions but completely backwards. You mentioned as an ENTP you're the complete opposite of an ESFJ and I would just say this isn't entirely true. You actually share the same functions, just in a different order.

I totally get where that attraction and pull comes from and I'm here to say that these relationships can really work and push both individuals to grow. We've been married for several years now and have been dating way longer and we're still going strong and really appreciate each other. I will say though that these kind of pairings take a LOT of communication and forgiveness and understanding. Growing as a person isn't always easy or comfortable. Ha! There have been many growing pains in this relationship and hurt feelings and misunderstandings and we're just now really getting the hang of all of it and learning about MBTI has helped a lot to be honest.

So I say if BOTH people are committed to wanting to make it work and communicate and understand the other person truly and work on things then yes, it can be a great pairing. If it's only one sided though I think it'll be a very miserable relationship and explode. Also, if the ENTP starts trying to manipulate the good will of an ESFJ that can be problematic. Because we ESFJs will give and give and give and if someone takes advantage of that, that's pretty terrible and will really hurt our trust. We especially need our partner to be the one looking out for us not looking to see what they can get away with.

My brother is an ENTP and we really can have a lot of fun times together and joke around and be ridiculous. But I seriously hate when I feel he's drumming up conflict in groups or trying to be friendly to manipulate people in certain ways that I see through. I would imagine if you were in an ESFJ - ENTP relationship the conflict thing could be pretty huge. Drives me crazy when we have family reunions and my brother within minutes is bringing up every controversial topic out there, arguing whatever side he feels like at the moment (without necessarily believing it) and just bringing people on edge....I'm always like come on! We literally just got here and you're ruining the whole vibe! Why can't we just have a nice time together. So I could see that being a point of contention.
 
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