I was made fun of several times in my youth - from elementary to college even. While I would like to keep specific details about my past private, I will say that I felt ostracized for being seen as different. The most memorable event took place in middle school, in the 6th or 7th grade, when a group of girls I had hung out with told me in no uncertain terms that I should no longer remain in their company. I was booted out of the group. When I look back on this, I realize this may have affected me much more than I'd like to admit; it probably exacerbated the internalized belief that I was not likeable or not as worthy as others. And maybe this helped to augment the many years in which I just wrote myself off as a loser, a weirdo, a freak. In any case, before I turn into a self-pitying child, I will say that I've come far in trying for the life of me to un-do the damage I put myself through; I still go through depressive states, and I reckon they will be a natural part of my existence, but I manage them better now. Learning about the MBTI and Enneagram has certainly helped me in my progress as well. I'm better able to re-center myself when I'm entering the unhealthy levels, for example. If anything, I will state what a friend once told me and that is "Always be kind to yourself." I know such a statement sounds so simple (and corny), but when I'm in one of those depressive/existential funks, I remind myself of this because sometimes it's easier said than done.
I've been through similar scenarios, I've been rejected by my classmates(my school was lacking students. it was always the same people from elementary till high school.). I was an oddball, many people called me eccentric.
It was scarring, sometime it haunts me till this day. An inner voice always stated that I don't deserve to be loved, or I'm not worthy enough to be like by anyone.
Making it hard for me to make a connection with peers. I always wonder when they will knock me down. I was also been verbally abuse by my older sister. My family was a bit dysfunctional, my mom was depress when raising all three of us. My dad was always busy with his endeavors. There was many awkward moments when we were together in front of the TV.
Often I heard my dad yelling to my mom at night. And my older sister got punish by something she didn't do. Or something minor she done that insults my mom and my dad.
I remember I was in my bathroom, covering my ears from the screams and the tears. It was horrifying. My dad even ask me whether I like it or not if he and my mom got divorce. I was always the responsible one, my older sister was childish and my younger sister was still very young at the time. I tried to calm him down, and act as their mediator. I was hiding the fact the event upset me, even to my self.
I let my older sister get the better off me. I don't know if that will help her in anyway. But I think I should be responsible doing something, at least to comfort her.
But well, the result is I have a very poor self esteem, and aside from I am already weird before I was depress, I got even more weird because I am easily irritated.
Now, my older sister and my parents are a lot calmer. The sad thing is, neither of them ever thank me. I don't know how they perceive me, or did I need any gratitude? Even my younger sister, whom I help to get by her worst times after the death of my father, never really thank me. Or did her?
I've always blame them(my sisters) for every thing that happen to me, and my parents. Why they had to be so temperamental? It such injustice to corner a little kid like that! And my sisters, taken advantage of a person like me to lash your anger!? punishing me for being who I am!? You should know when to stop!
But now, I learn to forgive and forget. Its no use to dwell in the past, people are moving on, I should too.
You know, despite the fact I am very mature since childhood, people from my class tend to think I'm childlike and naive. I wonder, did I purposely give them a false demeanor so people wont bug me? I was always deem too mature, too childish, too focus, too lazy, etc. I don't know what's right anymore.
Maybe I think, no one really like responsible types. People like carefree people. But when I acted like one, do I do it too much?
One of the reason of my depression is a thought that, no one seem to ever appreciate me. But then again, after pondering and reflecting, I notice that I am the one who is very hard with my self. Like you said, @
SillaSY ! "Always be kind to your self". Its easy to say(corny too
) but hard as hell to apply.
The weird thing is, even though I was very depress at the time(elementary, middle school, high school), from my family problems, and social problems. I manage to get through school with impressive remarks, and gain awards from participating several competition.
But I think, that's a five perk right there. Our ability to detach our selves from our feelings.
Hooray for fives!
