I, as an INTJ, despise the way Emotions are used now a days. I believe they are tools that should be used only when necessary. Thus, I've had my Emotions caged up, and only using them when necessary. Along with it, might I add, went the need for instant gratification (the cause of nearly everything wrong in this world).
But, recently, I've been feeling more and more empty. Like something is missing, or as if something is restraining my movement. I don't have many problems in life (except for perhaps 1, but it's not that big a deal), and I generally don't care much about anything I deem unworthy. Of course, I have perhaps 2 or 3 things that I deem worthy enough, but those don't seem to help me much.
TL;DR I create this thread today for 2 reasons:
To get help.
To help others.
We as INTJ's are natural scientists, I think together (along with possibly other types), we can help solve our problems. So if any of you are comfortable with the idea, I am more than willing to give advice/an acorn of wisdom/help with anything. Basically; maybe we can be our own Psychologists. :/
If anyone is curious to help me, you can begin reading this next part, if not, you can skip it:
A few months (almost a year) ago, I had an unusual dream. Now I love analyzing my own dreams, but this one was extremely straightforward and its' message was clear enough for me. The story is basically me meeting a girl I like and we get together and such. I really enjoyed said dream, and I was really happy with this chick. Then the dream takes an odd turn when I duel a fat 12 year old kid (about 8 feet tall, possible over 300 pounds) in order to save the girl's life (because at the time, he was choking her to death with his mammoth hands). It was like picking through an iceberg with a toothpick, but I somehow saved the girl.
The meaning of the dream (most likely) is that I'm worried about being fat or something would ruin my future relationships (I was fat around that time), and etc. But what I was sure of was, I wanted to meet this girl. Something just told me to look for her.
Ironically, the dream was fairly specific. She told me nearly everything but her name. She was Asian (Chinese, actually), was a dancer or something of the sorts, and had black hair, all I needed. I took off to Chinatown (NYC; Manhattan) everyday after school, using soccer as my excuse (because Chinatown is a center of attention for soccer). Eventually, a good 4 months or so had passed, I lost the weight and I had no luck- I, thus, ended up just forgetting about it.
Ironically, around the 4th or 5th month, here I am, riding the D train (the one that takes me to Chinatown) after school, and there she is. Just sitting there.
I, of course, grow shocked and confused. First thing that happened was that my Alter ego/voice/whatever-this-is-irrelevant reminds me of the girl, which leads to the next part; complete loss of my emotional grip.
I literally roared at the sky in my mind as a sudden case of analysis paralysis kicks in. There was so many things I could have done, but none that could have given me anything better than a 50/50 chance. I didn't want a 50/50 deal. I wanted a 100/0. Of course, even then I realized that wasn't possible (bloody instant gratification clouded my judgement as well).
I (being religious), prayed and left the decision to God. Whether to... do something (Hell knows what), or to forget about it. Of course, because I'm no Sexy beast riding a White Stallion and my Logic/Judgement was COMPLETELY unusable at the time (something that has never occurred to me), I was hoping he'd give me something obvious like an idiot, such as a giant billboard that said "YES GO FOR IT" or some robber I could beat up for her.
I got nothing like that. So I said "OH WELL, God doesn't think it's right. No point in torturing myself further," and got off at my stop.
Funny thing is, almost as soon as I got off, a song called "Mistake" by SNSD started playing. This made me curious, thus I looked at the list of songs that played from when I got on the train and saw her, to the part where I got off. The list was as follows:
Talk Talk by SNSD (I mean SERIOUSLY)
Look at me also by SNSD (Keep in mind that this is a Korean Girl group, singing from a feminine perspective)
If Solo/ballad by Taeyeon [a member of SNSD] (How many times has SNSD popped out now?)
Flower Power By SNSD (Thing here is the word Flower... Also used to describe women, no?)
Mistake by SNSD (If the Title doesn't explain this enough...)
Then when I realized, a song called Sad so Often by Dasoni (Sub-group of EXID) started playing, which, as you could assume, is a sad ballad.
Such an odd coincidence that, despite my playlist being set to shuffle, that these songs (excluding SsO) start to play.
Long story short I was crushed. Clearly the signs were there, but I wasn't paying attention.
I have another dream with her a few months later, in which she is taken by a friend of mine (and she is now Japanese). But... Well... Yeah.
She still pops into my mind randomly (usually because that other voice in my head just randomly feels the need to bring her up at least once or twice everyday). I don't tend to linger on things, especially when they are all said and done- I screwed up, no point in crying about it now. But could it be possible that this is the cause of my recent and sudden depression? I'd like to hear some opinions on what I should have done/what I could do now/what I should do later in the future. Do you think its regret I'm feeling? Or do you think my depression could be coming from elsewhere (because, as I said, I don't tend to linger on things that have happen, no matter how hurtful or depressing because I consider it meaningless)?
And feel free to be as open and as blunt as you please. I won't be offended in the slightest.