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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
So I've made posts about this in the past about my family and I.. as well as specifically my dad and I..

Anyways, two weeks ago I went on a trip with my mom just the two of us. My parents have a winter getaway house, and she had to go down there to get it all set up for when they go next month all winter long.

My Mom asked if I wanted to come, and I was hesitant at first because I clash so much with my parents as of late, but I eventually changed my mind and decided to go.

If you didn't read my other family posts, my dads an ISTJ all the way, and my Mom I think is an ESFP.. she took the test and got that, but I clash with both of them severely, especially my mom these past few months mostly.

We stayed for six days, and the first couple days were smooth, but midweek there were some very intense arguments with my Mom and I..

As the case has been for years, it all centers around them being super insensitive, misunderstanding me, fake false assumptions about me while I'm talking.. like i'll be talking and then my Mom would cut me off before I even begun to say anything, and she'd nod and finish my sentence, only she'd be so misunderstanding me and assuming something so different than what I'm saying!

This irritated me at first, and I gradually got more and more stressed out as she continue to do all this.. and THEN she began to try and defend herself and justify herself, as if she's somehow justified for causing me stress..

About an hour later, I was completely thrown the wringer so intensely.. and she was just a bit irritated. The analogy I give, is it's like she has a tiny prick on her finger, and I'm bleeding all over.

She just kept continuing on and wouldn't stop and apologize for how she was treating me. Her whole demeanor towards me was so insensitive and so apathetic. The misunderstandings and trying to justify her causing me pain made it much worse.. and she kept going with it, she wouldn't budge! I again used the analogy of how she saw the fire was growing, and she should've put it out while it was still small, but she didn't.

Anyways, we had some extremely intense arguments like that two more times on the trip, the next two following days.. It's the kind of stress that just totally wipes me out, where I'm so tired and drained.

Having three massively intensely stressful arguments was enough to ruin the rest of the trip, it also carries over for the next week or so, because there's trust issues that get even worse, I get a bit fearful of them, and just the pain grows deeper and I get discouraged.. I'm naturally a resilient and hopeful person, so that takes a lot to do.

My Mom even said in the heat of the moment, "I don't care about you", "I don't care if you go kill yourself", "you're uninvited to Thanksgiving"... which I've never been suicidal in the slightest, so that made no sense.. even then, this boy I grew up with in middle school, someone we all knew but weren't super close to, killed himself a couple months ago so that's careless to say.

Anyways, after all that pain and stress I was put through, I still somehow found it in me to make amends and resolve everything. The night after the last argument happened, I resolved everything and we had a nice evening.. and the lastd day of the trip I expressed how angry I was that this trip was pretty much ruined minus the first two days.. and a slightly less intense argument ensued, to which everything was resolved by me on the plane ride back.

I hate holding onto bitterness and hate, to which I told her, and prefer to get everything out in the open and move on as quickly as possible.

While on this trip, I made sure that she kept this between us two, to which she agreed. Literally everytime in the past, when she would tell my dad about these arguments, without even hearing my side of the story he would blame ALL of it on me and totally misrepresent me.. she knows this too, which is why for months she never told him any arguments.

Anyways, the next couple of days upon coming back, we got into another argument again out of nowhere.. she has been acting in such carelessly insensitive ways like none other these past few months, and I've tried with everything in me to understand this so it doesn't happen again, ultimately to no avail.

The last time we talked, she got so frantic despite me being so calm the entire time.. she then went home to my dad and told him about the arguments we had, despite her promising me she would not say anything..

So the following day I suggested we three talk; my parents and I.. it was calm throughout, and I had to defend myself (since nobody in my family will) and explain how I had every good reason to ask questions and how my mom put me through a lot, not the other way around.

My dad replied with how he doesn't want to get into who's right and wrong, he just says that "if a person wants the argument to end, then end it. It's that simple"

Anyways, the following day my Mom was being super insensitive towards me, and I went to my parents house to talk to them, and my dad texted me saying to "not come over".

They knew I needed closure, and they turned their phones off so I had no way to communicate with them.
It's like the feeling of slowly suffocating or just constant stress when I cannot have closure and resolution from an intense argument.. they prefer to just bury the issue and hope it goes away, which is so selfish and wrong.

My dad also texted me how it's 100% my fault, and how I'm "bullying" my mom.. which is so wrong to say, when my he completely ignores everything my mom put me through.

Anyways, after a couple hours I eventually came over and calmly asked to talk to my mom. My dad, who answered the door, said no and that he will call the police if I continue this.

I walked in the backyard and went into the laundry room, my dad was in the kitchen and freaked out when I walked in calmly asking again..

He then called the police and he had to waste their time, they came over and within minutes I left. It's sad how many times my dad has done this, the police literally came up to me and just chatted with me like an old friend... "how's it going man, ya get a new bike? alright man merry christmas" *fist bump*

The best way to put it, is it's like I got framed... my Mom put me through so much stress/pain these past few months, way worse than I put her through which was just irritation...

She put me consistent extremely stressful/painful arguments like every week for the past four months, and yet I get blamed for "bullying" my Mom and no focus is placed on anything hurtful she did.

Upon explaining my side of the story to my dad and defending myself, he replied with "well you're not very self-aware then"... coming from the man who misunderstands me so much and is totally opposite from me in nearly every way, and even then I'm probably way more self aware of who I am as a person and my actions then he is.

Nobody in my family stands up for me and defends me, which is so irritating.

I'm literally a black sheep of this family.. I was born in a family where I'm completely different, and in a broken family where I'm just so misunderstood and my heart isn't given the care I've always needed.

My siblings reject me, my twin is even an INFP and we have more in common than my parents, and were close growing up, but for nearly 10 years now he has totally drifted away from me and drinks often and just became so different than the boy he was growing up... he's resisted and rejected me for so long.

and it's just a horrible family environment and sad really because I care for them, but man it's so frustrating with how this continuous cycle doesn't stop with them.. they do many things I appreciate, but are very blind emotionally towards my heart and how I'm feeling often.

It may stop for a few days or weeks, but it always eventually comes back to so much stress I couldn't even put it into words.. the only way to describe it, is it's like an entire lifetime of stress/pain condensed into a couple weeks.

I'm amazed that I can even bounce back from these in two days or so, but man these arguments wear my soul out so much.

Although they do things I appreciate like I said, at the same time they have made this the toughest two years of my life.. and what is frustrating is that it's been getting progressively worse, with deeper/pain and stress.

I'm always hopeful and optimistic, so I have grown a lot through these trials, but I would've been better off without them.

I don't say this to get back at them or put them in a bad light, I'm just being honest with how I feel.

Anything you'd care to share? I always come so close to really backing away from them for a while, but end up forgiving them and moving on... but I keep getting hurt and this has been a consistent cycle for a few years now..
 

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That can be really hard and I can kind of relate. I am sorry about the situation you are in. I hope that things get better between you and your family because being around insensitive, toxic people is very draining. Family arguments are very stressful especially when you can't seem to escape them. :( It is tough to be misunderstood. I mean, I love ISTJs a lot. In fact, I've met several cool ISTJs and I find their perspective on things very interesting but they can be really hard to communicate especially considering the fact we don't share any functions. Sometimes when alone with them, it can be hard for us to find something to connect on and this can lead to clashes and conflict. It is understandable that you were hesitant if you have felt very misunderstood.

I know I would feel that way in that situation. That's also difficult that your dad takes her side. You must feel very alone in the situation and that can't make things any easier. He should know that it is hard for you too and try to see the story from your perspective.

ESFxs also can be difficult when unhealthy. They really know what to say to you that will hurt when angry. Introverts and extroverts often don't get the way that they get energy which can be a major pain. From my experience, they can be controlling and overly pannicky. I find they can also twist the situation around and be somewhat manipulative. Note that this is when they are an unhealthy form of the type. Intuition is her last function and she is a Fi user. I find that when angry and under pressure, Fi users can become very self righteous. Unhealthy Fe users can be unpleasant to deal with too but that is another story. That is really terrible that she told you that you are uninvited to thanksgiving and to go kill yourself. That is just not something you say. I know we say irrational things when we are angry but that is just uncalled for. It sounds like your mom is bullying you and not the other way around.

INFJ: Ni, Fe, Se, Ti

ISTJ Si, Te, Ne, Fi

ESFP: Se, Fi, Te, Ni

The way in which I can relate is my mediate family is full of sensors. My dad is an ISTJ, my mom is an ESFJ, and my sister is an ISFP. I love them all but I feel like I see the world differently from them. I think I've had more clashes with my mom but me and my dad see things differently at times too. Sometimes silly little arguments get started over nothing and become really big between me and my mom. She can go from 0-60 in a short period of time and go from happy to angry. She can be controlling at times and she is this way to my sister as well. My relationship with my sister is good but I feel we clashed a bit when we were younger. We are really close now though.
 
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I really feel for your situation, this must be terribly lonely for you!! How many friends you may have, the understanding and acknowledgement from your family feels like the most important thing in the world.

When reading your story, I think things are a bit too intense between you and your family at this point. You desperately want to sort it out and talk things trough, I totally understand. But I think you expect to much from your family. Don't get me wrong, I think you do not ask for much! But based on your story, they are not capable to understand. And when a father calls the police on there child.. that is so absurd to me!

If i were you, I would set a period for my self to not make any contact with them (a month/ a year, what is needed and feels good), no matter what happens. In this time you can heal yourself, because let's face it, you can not aspect it from your family at this point (sadly to say). Hopefully they find the time to reflect on things too, in your absence. At least confronting them time after time did not work, reading your story.

When the period is over I would start with writing them a letter, explaining your feelings, without placing any blame. Writing gives you the opportunity to really find the correct words and you will not be interrupted. Perhaps they can grasp just a hint of what you are all about and how it made you feel.
After the cool down period it is more likely they will read it. If you would send it now, i am afraid it will end up in the trash, if not worse.

This is just how I see it, from a easy distance. I hope you find the strength to go on and to find your way!

With love,
Tara
 

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My Mom even said in the heat of the moment, "I don't care about you", "I don't care if you go kill yourself", "you're uninvited to Thanksgiving"... which I've never been suicidal in the slightest, so that made no sense.. even then, this boy I grew up with in middle school, someone we all knew but weren't super close to, killed himself a couple months ago so that's careless to say.
The above are emotionally abusive statements. You obviously have a lot of faith in your parents. I'm not so sure it's justified. Believe me, I'm coming from a past that understands what you are going through.
If someone is willing to say the above statement -- it doesn't matter if it's in the heat of the moment--- then they've got some deep problems and may see you as possibly challenging these problems. I don't know if your parents have the kind of insides that can handle looking at what they do objectively let alone if they have the ability to see your feelings with compassion.
I don't think they have the skills. You may have to lower your standards for them. Your twin may have lowered his standards a long time ago and this may be part of the reasons you have difficulty talking. He might need you.

Oh good luck... this is a lot to wrestle with.
 
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Discussion Starter #5 (Edited)
@Alesha thanks for the reply.. it's what irks me though, is that they continually say how much they love me. they do a lot I appreciate, but little-to-none of that is emotionally towards me. they do practical things, which I appreciate and have learned not to expect more from them than that..

all I ask, and I've told them this, is that there wouldn't be these extremely stressful arguments. they cause so much pain, and the scary truth is that it's gotten worse over time, and more rapid; these arguments used to happen once a month, yet this month has seen like six or seven huge arguments that leave me way more stressed out then they do..

they just really know how to push my buttons and be insensitive, make false assumptions, ignore me etc which escalates everything b/c I hate when people do that, especially when other times they come across so compassionate, and then in these arguments they're opposite, and come across so cold and hateful.. they're never consistent.

and then after the arguments happen, my mom or dad will say how they don't "mean for these arguments to happen.. I don't want to see you in pain/stressed out" etc etc

and I believe they mean that, yet these fights keep happening. they seem like they genuinely care, yet the arguments continue to get worse.

we just clash immensely, because I never have this much discord and stress with anyone else in my life ever.. not even close.

to further that point, consider this; they say they love me with all their heart, yet at the same time cause me the most pain and stress by far.. I think we really just clash incredibly.
 

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@FreeSpirit777 I'm wondering if there is a pattern to the arguments that you might want to look at. I recently learned a new way to look at arguments and this might help you too. I'll share and you see if it helps: Arguments are caused by challenging people's deep "core" fears. These fears are usually "Fear of Lack of control" "Fear of Failure" "Fear of being unlovable" "Fear of loosing touch with their life's mission" at least how it was explained to me. Whenever your parents get angry or defensive, which one of these fears is it triggering? The biggest arguments are usually over lack of control or fear of failure. For an example....this is the first argument with my husband that happened after i learned this stuff. My husband was putting up a basketball hoop for our son. I said, "I didn't want it there. I told you I wanted it by the balcony. It will look better." I was sharp with him because my root fear is lack of control and the basketball hoop had been my idea! My husband then got mad because his is fear of failure. He was simultaneously fearful of failing me and failing our son. So he reacted with more anger than I thought the situation warranted. He said, "The ball would bounce out on the grass. I don't want my son's friends thinking we don't know how to set it up so they can practice lay-ups." Because I saw this all in a new way, it gave me clarity and helped me know what to do.
But I think you are pretty healthy in wanting to talk things out. Their fears seem way too strong for that-- they are not in a healthy enough place--best to tread lightly. Best to just be able to judge them accurately, love them anyway, but watch out that you don't get hurt and don't make your own life. I'm saying it again, but reach out to your siblings if you can. In my husband's family there is 1 sibling who hides and lies but is still controlled by the parents, 1 sibling who only functions as a puppet of the parents and spends all his time trying to pacify and act as their peacekeeper and has basically never grown up despite being in his 30's-- all his efforts and dreams all come from his parents and then there's 1 who had to get out all together because not being himself was too high a price to pay to be close to them. That's my husband. He would love to be closer to his siblings, but they are following the parent's lead and have a really hard time judging the parent's decisions accurately. Accurate but with compassion, that's what you're after. Independence before it's too late, I would think would be something else to be after. Again, good luck. I hope I am helping and not hurting.
 
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