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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I've online dated on and off for several years. I've determined that the #1 thing men are looking for, at least in my country, is an "fun, outgoing girl".

Now, I'm very affable, but I'm a bit reserved. In fact I score as a 99% Fi on tests. And I have some interesting ideas as to what is "fun". None of it involves partying with friends or inflecting my voice in such a way that I sound like a primary school teacher, and both of these qualities seem to be what many men are looking for.

I know that INFP men are supposed to have a harder go at romance but I feel like in my culture, Canada, men are generally accepted more by the opposite sex if they're reserved. It's seen as stoic. Being somewhat quiet is a masculine trait here. Y'know, lumberjacks and such. :tongue:

INFP ladies, what has your experience with this been?

Any men..do you appreciate introverted, subtle girls or are you hoping your partner will have a more extroverted, colourful disposition?
 

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I had one who actually dumped me because I was introverted and didnt use drugs. Not sad about that though.

50% of the time its been a problem.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
@Shameless Nation

I'm glad I'm not the only one. I have also been dumped for not using drugs. By grown ass men.

People do not believe me when I communicate that this has been a problem in my friendship and love life.
 

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I've online dated on and off for several years. I've determined that the #1 thing men are looking for, at least in my country, is an "fun, outgoing girl".

Now, I'm very affable, but I'm a bit reserved. In fact I score as a 99% Fi on tests. And I have some interesting ideas as to what is "fun". None of it involves partying with friends or inflecting my voice in such a way that I sound like a primary school teacher, and both of these qualities seem to be what many men are looking for.
I just feel like a fun outgoing person is hard to tame. They're always on the lookout for more fun and sensation. This also means getting themselves around many other people and influences, ideas, etc. Before you know it they create new wants and wishes, or forget what they want or value altogether. Meh, that is just waiting for trouble.
I was talking with this ENFJ girl, very nice, open, honest, genuine .... very ''fun''. However she said this to me: ''ooh, when I get in relationships I just get bored after a couple of months''. Furthermore she'd happily admit how much attention she gets from everyone around her unintentionally etc.

I happily trade in ''fun'' and outgoing for stability and security.

Maybe I should move to Canada though, interesting thought ... i'm not a lumberjack though, just a stubborn European.

I highly appreciate introverted subtle girls. Extrovert is nice and all, but I am more of the jealousy and claimy type. I want to feel exclusive and special for my lover. I will be the same in return and treat you the same in return.

I love boring, it's fun :happy:
It's just unpractical to having to depend on others for your fun and sensation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·

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@Shameless Nation

I'm glad I'm not the only one. I have also been dumped for not using drugs. By grown ass men.

People do not believe me when I communicate that this has been a problem in my friendship and love life.
Lol. We should make a club.

Were you also called boring because of that? @WhateverLolaWants
I believe you two! I thought this sort of shit got old once people graduated high school but I used to have friends in their 20's call me boring and in denial because I didn't even like to get drunk. Pretty sure I'm not the boring one, if I have to use some kind of substance to have fun... -_-

I haven't had any comments made to me about it specifically but yes, I've been left with the distinct impression that I'd be more likeable if I were more outgoing and bubbly and "fun". I did eventually find someone who wasn't after these things but I think I just got lucky, to be honest. Looking outside one's culture might be helpful (or might not, depending on the culture)...
 

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I think in the American South, introversion is more accepted in males. The "strong, silent type" or whatever, while introversion in females is seen as suspect. I also wonder whether the culture in general conflates introversion with thinking, and extroversion with feeling. I know my family has tended to think that way, but it may not be just us.

I sort of feel like the "fun, outgoing girls" are supposed to be responsible for maintaining everyone else's feelings for them, and introverted females are seen as not pulling our load on behalf of society :eyeroll:

I'm with @ficsci -- if that's what they're looking for, they can keep on looking. That goes for anyone I encounter in life, not just guys in the dating sphere. It used to make me sad, but these days I've come to see the silver lining in rejection: let the undesirables take the initiative and weed out their own darn selves :tongue:
 

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Who says introverts are boring? Honestly, most fun people I've met where IxxP's, so... :)
Only stupid people think that, from what I've experienced in life, and we ain't going to marry stupid guys anyway.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I sort of feel like the "fun, outgoing girls" are supposed to be responsible for maintaining everyone else's feelings for them, and introverted females are seen as not pulling our load on behalf of society :eyeroll:
Great observation. And I can see it being more common in the American South.

You mean not all Southern ladies are ESFJs?

:laughing:

Television series have gotten to me.
 
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I've online dated on and off for several years. I've determined that the #1 thing men are looking for, at least in my country, is an "fun, outgoing girl".

Now, I'm very affable, but I'm a bit reserved. In fact I score as a 99% Fi on tests. And I have some interesting ideas as to what is "fun". None of it involves partying with friends or inflecting my voice in such a way that I sound like a primary school teacher, and both of these qualities seem to be what many men are looking for.

I know that INFP men are supposed to have a harder go at romance but I feel like in my culture, Canada, men are generally accepted more by the opposite sex if they're reserved. It's seen as stoic. Being somewhat quiet is a masculine trait here. Y'know, lumberjacks and such. :tongue:

INFP ladies, what has your experience with this been?

Any men..do you appreciate introverted, subtle girls or are you hoping your partner will have a more extroverted, colourful disposition?
YAAAAY,

I'm from Canada, too. Hi-five!

But no, I've felt the inverse, opposite, side, in fact, actuality, on condition, conditionality. I think you know, oh, whoa, WHOA, whoa,

Actually, I'm saying. No, actually. I at times, I can only really get along 'WELL' with other introverts, so, you're not alone in that regard.
I don't see the "men being who are stoic"----thing that much more accepted either, unless they're like ISTX's, otherwise you're just an awkward creepy weirdo that everyone thinks is secretly plotting world domination or something. Not that I blame them.

The outgoing girls just stand out more, I think.

I think in general introverts just get a bum rap, and from my experience, you have to really sort of scout out groups and people who really understand that. I've noticed with myself I sometimes subconsciously debase and always go to those groups of people the most (The one's who don't understand; the socialites, prom-queens, d-bags inc) because it's a really negative learned behavior I've picked up from yore; that really stems from, you know, "there's something wrong with you, it's not okay to be quite and introverted" and thus I'm always shaming, and re-creating that and those situation/scenarios for myself.

I gotta really watch myself on that.

 

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I'm an American, so I have gotten in trouble a lot for being too quiet and reserved. I have hurt people's emotions before (unintentionally) due to my need for space and because I am a little slow to warm up. I am nice, though! I am pretty sure that I am approachable... at least, I hope so. :(

I've dated a very extroverted guy before. I just couldn't keep up in the end. He had no problem going out all day, every day, and while I was invited to these outings sometimes... he had no problem ignoring me for hours and hours at a time because "Hurr I was busy with mad heads." :rolleyes:

I am only ever really, truly comfortable with other introverts. Extroverts are fun, I'm not going to lie, and I can develop deep bonds with extroverts. I mean, my mom is one, after all. But it does hurt when I just cannot keep up or be the hyper one that they expect me to be.
 

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I think in the American South, introversion is more accepted in males. The "strong, silent type" or whatever, while introversion in females is seen as suspect. I also wonder whether the culture in general conflates introversion with thinking, and extroversion with feeling. I know my family has tended to think that way, but it may not be just us.

I sort of feel like the "fun, outgoing girls" are supposed to be responsible for maintaining everyone else's feelings for them, and introverted females are seen as not pulling our load on behalf of society :eyeroll:
Oh my god, thank you! I grew up in the American South, and I can completely relate to what you are saying. I have been accused of being too quiet, unfriendly, and not contributing to the emotional atmosphere in a given situation. I didn't understand it until I started seeing more parts of the country. Women in the South are required to be outgoing, friendly, and lively while happily adhering to social expectations. (A stereotypical ESFJ, basically.) If not, they are seen as being rude or uncaring. I'm glad I'm not the only one who can see this because I have experienced it my whole life.

I also agree that people need to like you for you. If you'll notice, every guy says that he wants a fun and outgoing girl. But I know countless introverted, non-outgoing females who are in long-term relationships or happily married. Being shy or reserved doesn't mean that no one is ever going to want you, because it's just not true.

And just as a side note... Personally, the "quiet, stoic lumberjack guy" isn't for me. He's definitely attractive, but there's a difference between being attracted someone and wanting to be in a relationship with them. To each their own. I know it's cliche, but it's true.
 

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I prefer the introverted type. I'm not looking for a woman to entertain me so "fun" is really not a quality that's on my list. The whole bubbly and fun seems shallow to me, and I'm looking for a woman with depth, be interested in less mundane thing than popular culture and more about history and philosophy, science and such. I doesn't me we wouldn't have fun together, but if that's all there is and she would be bored and leave me otherwise then no thanks.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
@CloudySkies

Really good points. Esp. about stoicism thing really only applying to ISTXs. INFX men just come across as sensitive, and INTXs...well, yeah, the world domination thing.

I guess we all have our issues and have just gotta rock what we've got.
 
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Personally I don't think I'd be comfortable in a relationship with a very outgoing girl. Being rather quiet myself, I would always feel under pressure to match her openness, and it seems very difficult to do in the long run. And if I'm not able to do it, I'd get the feeling that I'm holding her back, that there's something she needs that I can't offer. Very possibly, I'd put this kind of pressure on myself even if the girl says she's fine with my quiet temperament. Like others on this thread I often feel good around extroverts (both male and female) and can form a great friendship with them, but the "fun, outgoing girl" is not my type, relationship-wise.

On the other hand, something that's important to me in a relationship is that we open up to each other in private, and here, I find it terribly attractive if a girl is lively, fun etc. I, too, will act completely differently whether I'm in a large group or spending time with someone I trust. Maybe this is what some of the guys on that dating website have in mind when they say they're looking for a "fun" girl (just a possibility, of course...)?
 

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My wife is more extroverted than I, not by a large amount but by enough. She has a large network of friends, and that's a nice contrast to myself (few, very good friends).

I would think that two incredibly introverted people dating would be stressful. Either nothing to say, or INTENSE discussion*. I prefer partners to even me out.

*All of my partners were more extroverted than me, so I don't have personal experience to back that up.
 

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Well, most people are not reserved or "thoughtful". Call it artistic, intellectual, introverted, serious, reserved, private, deep, whatever, the things that make people unique tend to cut them off from the majority. That really just means they need to be more selective. If cutting you off from "most" guys is what your personality does, that's good, because it makes it easier for you to find the kind of person you DO need to be with instead of wasting your time with people who just don't GET you. You'll be able to find the kind of guy you want, a deep, cool interesting guy too, or someone who at least gets that about you. So really it helps you select someone with similar or worthy traits, it narrows the pool. It's like a test : )
Most people really do not have the ability to date most people. Even outgoing people have things about them that only appeal to some-- maybe they're really aggressive, maybe they are emotionally flighty, maybe they're obsessed with climbing, ect.. in the end almost EVERYONE struggles to find the right person for them, because everyone is unique in different ways. Their different personality traits filter out most people.
So really I think you're pretty normal. : ) Just don't waste your time with people who don't get you.
If you're online or even irl dating look for things that code people as unique or interesting-- pick the quiet guy, or the guy with weird patches on his backpack or the guy who reads interesting books, ect, whatever it is that signals someone deep and interesting to you.
 

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I can really appreciate introverted girls who are more subtle. I've had so many times when a girl said "I'm usually shy and not used to talking to strangers" then she gets excited and talks a lot to me. And I'm left confused.

However just being introverted just means we can chill far easier. There are other parts like being earnest, having drive, and/or strong sense of self that's adaptive.

I can date an extroverted girl. But I gotta get that deeper emotional connection.
 
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