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Outside Looking In...

979 Views 8 Replies 6 Participants Last post by  Shadow1980, 
K
Greetings All! :happy:

For some time now, I can't really recall how long, I've been feeling kinda strange and I can't seem to pin down the cause. Most days, I feel as if I'm on the outside looking in at my life. I don't really feel like myself..or, at least, I don't feel like the "normal" me I remember from a few years ago. I feel like I'm inside my mind and my body, but it doesn't feel like *me* for some reason. I wish I could think of a more eloquent way to describe the sensation, but words are failing me at the moment. I've been struggling with self-esteem and self-confidence issues for quite a while...maybe years of doubt and negativity directed toward myself have finally snapped something loose inside my mind.

Thought / opinions? Any and all will be greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance
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W
This is quite an open ended description... but language, especially written language, isn't really geared for such heavy topics.

so, how about an open ended, insufficiently worded response? :happy:

what's important to you? what do you feel is most relevant in your life moment to moment?
are you living your life in a way that prioritizes those things?

think of your absolutely ideal lifestyle... what you would do if there were no practical/material boundaries to attaining it. now what about your current lifestyle is most suppressing your ideals? what can you change right now that will bring you closer to an experience that's relevant for you?
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E
I'm feeling the exact same way. I've been really depressed and not really sure what I want in life anymore. Weed helps. lol
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kiwigrl
I'm feeling lost. Although for me, I know the reason. 12 weeks ago my dad died. I am aware that I need to find the old me again and do the things that I used to do, but I struggle to build up the steam to do so. I have ideas in my head of things I want to do, but I need to crank the gears up if I am to achieve those things.

Perhaps something that happened to you hit you harder than you realised at the time? Either way, you need to get out of that complacency and get moving with your life. You won't be happy unless you feel that your life has purpose in it. Think about your goals and dreams and make a list. Then start implementing them.

I plan on moving forward soon.
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J
Hey think this is normal and being reflective and introspective of ourselves. When I get depressed I do get the feeling that I have "lost" me. The old me versus the current or new me. The best thing you can do is write down how life was 10 years the things that were happening up to that point then write things that you have accomplished and went through since then. It usually makes me happier.
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K
A thousand apologies for the delay in my response; been quite busy and emotionally drained as of late. Thanks to everyone for their responses! :happy:

wanderingone said:
what's important to you? what do you feel is most relevant in your life moment to moment?
are you living your life in a way that prioritizes those things?

think of your absolutely ideal lifestyle... what you would do if there were no practical/material boundaries to attaining it. now what about your current lifestyle is most suppressing your ideals? what can you change right now that will bring you closer to an experience that's relevant for you?
Click to expand...
I think my ideal lifestyle at this point in my life would be one where I could be completely open about my sexuality; a life where everyone important to me knew exactly who I was so I didn't have to maintain this charade all of the time. I suppose the only thing really holding me back from actually doing this is my parents. I'm really afraid coming out to them will only do more harm than good. The last thing I would ever want to do to them is intentionally inflict pain, and I can only surmise that telling them the truth about who I am will do more harm than good. So, for now, I have chosen to bear the burden myself while I try to figure out what I want to do. I really think this is the source of much of the emotional baggage I carry...it is absolutely exhausting to wear my "public face" all of the time. I really feel like two different people sometimes...and my "real" self has more fun and is more confident than my "straight" self.
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J
I apologize in advance because I mean this in the most thoughtful tone possible. My question is are you comfortable lying to people who love about who you are? Can you handle lying to yourself and justifying why you hide things from people you love? If you are then I say ok... However, I am guessing this is really eating you up hiding who you are as an ENFJ? The fear may come from not being accepted and I understand that. However, part of me wants to tell you in the long run it "may" only cause more damage.
1. What if your parents find out you were lying? Are they the type that would hold that against you?
2. Hiding it could give someone leverage to attempt blackmail. Would that mean you "could" consider something heinous to cover it up?
3. Can you wake you wake every morning and look yourself in the mirror in a positive manner?

I understand you have a personal tough decision ahead but, only you can make the best decision for yourself. As only YOU will be living with You for the rest of your life.
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S
I'm a gay ENFJ also. I came out very quickly after I realized I'm gay because I couldn't handle feeling like your describing. I also didn't want to lie to people. I bet you are feeling this way because you are in the closet. It's a very floating on top of yourself looking down type feeling. I felt completely disconnected from my body. It can do major damage to your self-esteem to stay in the closet too.

Don't feel bad about yourself. It's just who you are. Some people are male, some are female, some black, some white...you're gay. It's alright. People that don't understand it are just ignorant. Similar to race and other minority stigmas, someday people will get it and it won't be a big deal at all.

I bet you'll be surprised at how well people respond. People are surprisingly kind sometimes.

If you need to talk, message me. :) You aren't alone, even though you may feel alone.
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S
Also, I don't want to be too blunt, but your gay martyr "bearing the burden of your sexuality" for your parent thing is total b.s. you are telling yourself. You aren't protecting anyone from anything. You are just scared to come out. Just do it. You'll feel a billion times better. :)
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