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Although I have accomplished many things, I've never really had the courage to 'launch myself' with dedication into my passions - against the 'better' judgement of friend/family expectations, and outside of standard disciplinary-frameworks external to myself (i.e. university etc.) and so on; I feel this pining, a need to have someone really close, to *cough cough* complete me, and hold me up through my struggles, before I engage in those struggles.

I see these struggles as immense tasks requiring long-term dedications. Things which use my talents, and which I can achieve easily I can do fine, but when contemplating the big things, I sorta feel over-awed and can barely begin them --collapsing out of breath, I put them away for later (as ideas) never to be completed. I really want someone to be there with me through that struggle.

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One problem is that, I think, my lack of faith in myself (?), and my inability(?) to dedicate myself with discipline to life-project esque tasks is an impediment to me finding someone to be my support, to "complete me", because to others it may seem that I am an empty vessel without accomplishments.

Now, I am sure there are many INFP on here who can relate (of course there are!). But I really want to know what the solutions are? How have you solved this issue? Do I simply need a kick up the ass or something i.e. just GET STARTED?

I'm getting older (28) and it's really silly.


P.S. I want to write novels (part time vocation).


Suggestions?
 

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Although I have accomplished many things, I've never really had the courage to 'launch myself' with dedication into my passions - against the 'better' judgement of friend/family expectations, and outside of standard disciplinary-frameworks external to myself (i.e. university etc.) and so on; I feel this pining, a need to have someone really close, to *cough cough* complete me, and hold me up through my struggles, before I engage in those struggles.

I see these struggles as immense tasks requiring long-term dedications. Things which use my talents, and which I can achieve easily I can do fine, but when contemplating the big things, I sorta feel over-awed and can barely begin them --collapsing out of breath, I put them away for later (as ideas) never to be completed. I really want someone to be there with me through that struggle.

--
One problem is that, I think, my lack of faith in myself (?), and my inability(?) to dedicate myself with discipline to life-project esque tasks is an impediment to me finding someone to be my support, to "complete me", because to others it may seem that I am an empty vessel without accomplishments.

Now, I am sure there are many INFP on here who can relate (of course there are!). But I really want to know what the solutions are? How have you solved this issue? Do I simply need a kick up the ass or something i.e. just GET STARTED?

I'm getting older (28) and it's really silly.


P.S. I want to write novels (part time vocation).


Suggestions?
I suggest you read the enneagram and look up "one to one" or "sexual subtype" for the instincts. They have a tendency to "feel incomplete" without a partner.
 

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Although I have accomplished many things, I've never really had the courage to 'launch myself' with dedication into my passions - against the 'better' judgement of friend/family expectations, and outside of standard disciplinary-frameworks external to myself (i.e. university etc.) and so on; I feel this pining, a need to have someone really close, to *cough cough* complete me, and hold me up through my struggles, before I engage in those struggles.

I see these struggles as immense tasks requiring long-term dedications. Things which use my talents, and which I can achieve easily I can do fine, but when contemplating the big things, I sorta feel over-awed and can barely begin them --collapsing out of breath, I put them away for later (as ideas) never to be completed. I really want someone to be there with me through that struggle.

--
One problem is that, I think, my lack of faith in myself (?), and my inability(?) to dedicate myself with discipline to life-project esque tasks is an impediment to me finding someone to be my support, to "complete me", because to others it may seem that I am an empty vessel without accomplishments.

Now, I am sure there are many INFP on here who can relate (of course there are!). But I really want to know what the solutions are? How have you solved this issue? Do I simply need a kick up the ass or something i.e. just GET STARTED?

I'm getting older (28) and it's really silly.


P.S. I want to write novels (part time vocation).


Suggestions?

I feel that way too, and I recently made the mistake of asking a prof I like to be my mentor, but what I hadn't considered dangerous was we are incompatible. So, now we are in an awkward place not being able to move away from the commitment.

I want to be a writer too. But hey here's the deal. When I feel incomplete or ill-equipped than people I know, I remind myself that this is one chance we get at living. And we can't afford to sit back and decide "why" we aren't able to do things that we need to be doing. This struck me when I was watching Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. Seriously, if a man could actually write stuff like that, and years later somebody with an excellent imagination is able to recreate it for us- I mean, we are allowed to what we want.

In my case, my barriers are my own frameworks and expectations. I have images of what I want to be and I drive myself crazy trying to get there- but nothing happens because I believe I haven't got enough of experience.

I think if you tried harder or maybe took it lightly it might work out. DOn't make it sacred or ideal in your head, then it would work. I painted a broken egg shell this evening- for fun- but people actually loved it and said some amazing things about it. Maybe you should give yourself some rope and enjoy things you are doing. It might work out you know. :)

Happy living!
 

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Although I have accomplished many things, I've never really had the courage to 'launch myself' with dedication into my passions - against the 'better' judgement of friend/family expectations, and outside of standard disciplinary-frameworks external to myself (i.e. university etc.) and so on; I feel this pining, a need to have someone really close, to *cough cough* complete me, and hold me up through my struggles, before I engage in those struggles.

I see these struggles as immense tasks requiring long-term dedications. Things which use my talents, and which I can achieve easily I can do fine, but when contemplating the big things, I sorta feel over-awed and can barely begin them --collapsing out of breath, I put them away for later (as ideas) never to be completed. I really want someone to be there with me through that struggle.

--
One problem is that, I think, my lack of faith in myself (?), and my inability(?) to dedicate myself with discipline to life-project esque tasks is an impediment to me finding someone to be my support, to "complete me", because to others it may seem that I am an empty vessel without accomplishments.

Now, I am sure there are many INFP on here who can relate (of course there are!). But I really want to know what the solutions are? How have you solved this issue? Do I simply need a kick up the ass or something i.e. just GET STARTED?

I'm getting older (28) and it's really silly.


P.S. I want to write novels (part time vocation).


Suggestions?
I felt the exact same way at 24. Lots of things I wanted to do but I wanted someone special in my life. Not so much for support because I could do it without the support. But for celebration. It's no fun if you work really hard and get what you want and there's no one there to party with when you finally do get what you want.

It took a long time to figure out the Why of this dilemma and I finally came up with an answer that made sense to me.
There are 6 Critical Needs: Certainty, Uncertainty, Significance, Connection, Contribution and Growth.

Everybody has their own hierarchy of importance for those needs. The object is to meet all those needs to a minimum and then uplevel. Now use a scale from 1 to 10 for each. For example, if you have a job that you don't like but it pays the bills and let's you eat then you're Certain is at a 3. If you have no friends so you go a therapist, your Connection is at a 1. As you go along you make 1 really good friend and your only friend, now you're Connection is at 2. Your top 3 Needs have to be around the same level before you uplevel.

So if you're Significance from all the stuff you've accomplished puts you at a 6. But you feel your Connection is at a 3. You're not going to be able to uplevel your Significance to 7 or 8 by writing your novel or whatever goal you have until you uplevel your Connection. You could try to just uplevel just one Need but you'll feel empty because the other Needs aren't keeping up.

However, it's also bad if you try to uplevel from a Connection of 3 to Connection of 7 by just focusing on finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. You could do it, but in the process you're going to let all your other Critical Needs backslide from their current level. I have this rule of thumb where I don't move more than one jump in any one Need before rotating to the next one.
 
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I completely get this feeling! It's as if something is always amiss, and that I'm never completely satisfied because I'll always feel incomplete. A part of me is missing...maybe this has to do with our high ideals and expectations of things...
I find that I can never really take in some experiences fully, because I have an idea of how it is supposed to "feel" in my head all ready....and then I miss out one what the experience really is supposed to feel like.
Also laziness, being a perfectionist... these are all infp traits that keep us from experiencing life for what it really is. I think when we can "calm down" and really take things day by day, live life step by step slowly and for what it really is... maybe things don't turn out as pretty as we'd ideally like it to be, but it becomes so much more than what we expect it to be. Wonderful in ways we couldn't imagine ourselves.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
wow, some really cool posts!

I have reassessed my claims this morning, and this is what I now think.

When I accomplish creative feats I feel happy, and the world is brighter. It's like a drug which validates me.

However, with bigger projects, the accomplishment is uncertain. I fear I may fail. I am worried I will expend effort and will not accomplish anything. And so instead of applying myself with discipline I try to take a short-cut by seeking someone else to validate me, as I am, without expended effort.

The problem with this is that it is just too easy. Every time I strike the fear of failure I cow under it and try to reach out for validation via other means. And although sometimes I will be validated, usually I will not; but just the thought that I might achieve validation results in my continually reaching for it from others, and hence I never achieve anything.

[AND, I think that even if I did find a SO I still would not create these projects because I would probably become complacent, receiving what I crave for from them.]

INFPblog, your idea is very interesting. I will have to think about it.

I stumbled upon this Albert Schweitzer quote (probably on this forum)
"All work that is worth anything is done in faith"
 

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deleted - I think one of the problems is that you are focusing too much on ends and not enough on enjoying the process. Focusing on ends and goals does not lead to self-fulfilment (at least for me) because the goal posts are always moving. I find that doing something for the purpose of "achieving/achievements" just leaves me empty afterwards. Anything important to you is worth attempting just for that reason, even if you fail and learn nothing from it, it is still not a waste of time.

It took a long time to figure out the Why of this dilemma and I finally came up with an answer that made sense to me.
There are 6 Critical Needs: Certainty, Uncertainty, Significance, Connection, Contribution and Growth.
I find this amusing because it sounds like a D&D levelling approach to life.
I'm not sure if I could quantify everything so easily, but not biting off more than you can chew in any one area and having a level of balance seems like a good message.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
find something worth doing and then commit to it.

I think this issue can be understood in terms of "behaviourism"
That perhaps I have established psychological patterns of seeking easy-reward, so that I expect a reward as soon as I have exerted any effort.

This I think is the key thing: "incompleteness" is just the avenue that I express the desire-for reward along.
This is an unconscious thing.

So perhaps you're right @Snow Leopard.
 
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