[anartpeace]

You'd think at the mature age of over-50, one would have a handle on all of this. Not. Need advice on dealing with the woman I *think* I am dating. We are both INFJ, altho I have some pretty strong E and P tendencies. Quick synopsis: we met at church four months ago, instant attraction, personalities met their other half, you know how that goes. Both having gone thru bad breakups in the past, we are going slow - getting to know each other before coplicating things with the physical, getting past the infatuation stage to something deeper. She was/is MUCH more adamant about that than me, btw. Things were going wonderfully (love songs exchanged, future together spoken about, met her kids and they love me - as do all her friends) til about six weeks ago and things began to fall apart in her life. Tremendous amount of trauma in many different areas - financial, career, health, you name it. Obviously she began withdrawing, seriously distancing herself. Understandable.

The issue is that even though I understand all this, I am freaked out! All the things that should indicate interest are now missing. Time together? I see her at church; when she has the kids, they are at my house, we talk on the phone at least a couple of times a day, but NO alone time. NO going out together. Nada. Eye contact, physical contact - nope. She gives me a hug and a kiss when we see each other, but it's as if she avoids being physically close to me. She talks to me about everything going on in her life. Has made some pretty intimate disclosures to me. But what the heck is going on?

I understand the stress factor and have told her I know she has nothing to give right now and I do not expect anything, but I guess I do. I listen and support and do things for her, anything to make her life easier, but I am getting nothing in return. I am feeling unappreciated (altho she always says thank you - but those are just words!!!) and frustrated. My inclination is to totally pull away and just say f**k it - who needs this? But I am crazy about her and giving up just isn't in my nature.

Help. Please...

 

[Mankaroni]

I'm dealing with an INFJ/INFJ situation in the present... and although I am far younger (and therefore probably less experienced in life) than you are, i can say you have said one very important thing.

"I am crazy about her and giving up just isn't in my nature."

You've laid it all out very eloquently and are asking for advice but it seems the answer is plain to see. It's clear that this woman means a great deal to you and it's also clear that the future is impossible to see (although over-analysing the possibilities may be a favorite past-time). You can speculate all you want about where this could go, how she could take it, etc etc... but I think you need to tell her how you feel. At some point... when you feel deeply enough, this emotion will have to come out and she will greatly appreciate your honestly.

 

[anartpeace]

LOl -over-analyzing is INDEED a favorite pastime! I've been waiting to talk to her til her life calms down somewhat, which will be fairly soon. I keep trying to think how I would react to all the stress and, frankly I'd most likely do the same. How can you feel romantic when your world is crashing down around you??? I know that (speaking for myself), I would NEVER have allowed anyone this level of emotional intimacy unless I was serious about them, much less made them a major part in my children's lives. Obviously, I don't trust my own intuition on this one! So, I am distancing myself slightly, I will still be there for her, but will let her make the moves....maybe....unless I can't stand it....sigh. Thank you for your input...it helps to have another's POV......