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Thank you intelligent INFP's because I found the key word to a part of my source of stress: Paradoxes

I feel like I am constantly battling between paradoxes in my life, and sometimes my emotional complexity made me feel a bit ashamed and afraid.

For example, like I mentioned, I am battling the paradox of wanting to be a more magical intuitive being out of becoming a dreamer that fulfills inspired meanings even at the face of going against disbelieving logic and wanting to seem like a much more accomplished human being in society by ''getting somewhere'' in terms of what is mostly expected from me without needing to ''wait for the right time.'' Perhaps I am trying to find a balance between living richly in my inner world and connecting to the real world, because I have at times fallen into fear that I might be somewhat delusional and off.

In terms of my social and personal life, I am battling the paradox of assuming a passive role by waiting for the right time plus letting certain events fall out as they should in my mind and taking on an active role by searching for more social interactions that can make me appear or at least be assured that I am a socially healthy individual although I am reserved in nature. I also battle a paradox of grabbing what my heart really wants and taking the time to make it all the more meaningful.

I am battling the paradox of fulfilling expectations that can put people in my life at ease after all the drama I put them through and becoming truer to myself in order to heal from a bruised heart.

I am battling the paradox of wanting to live by the beautiful meanings I set in the past in spite of the tragedies of it and going forward from the past with courage and independence.

I am battling the paradox of fear from causing others to be disappointed in me and fear from one day waking up again with the realization that my life is not entirely my own.

I am battling the paradox of deciding that my ideal partner is someone that takes extra good care of me by letting him share every part of me in intuitive, spiritual, social realm and deciding that to grow in my love life, I need someone who can recognize me as a person who secretly desires to be a fiercely independent, free unit.

I am battling the paradox of wanting to keep more to myself in my alone time and causing deeper connections by social flirting in spite of how inappropriate that is.

I am battling the paradox of considering the logical perspectives of others and listening to that inner voice inside me that shows resentment for me not listening to it in the past.

Yes I am a woman of paradoxes, and I am battling my fears. So hard. In a way that causes me to talk like a confused and incoherent and misunderstood individual too.many.times.


I have been told that indecision can be one of the biggest mistakes in my life, but for eff's sake, I need to feel more secure. I'm trying.
 

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But ABOVE all, I think, I am battling a paradox of deep desire to relive a kind of carefree happiness I once experienced in the far past and the dream to be a million times more independent, self sufficient, self determining than I ever was in the past which will force me to fully face an enormous shift in my reality outlook.

That is the hardest and most vital of all, I'm trying to ''get there''.
 

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Thank you intelligent INFP's because I found the key word to a part of my source of stress: Paradoxes

I feel like I am constantly battling between paradoxes in my life, and sometimes my emotional complexity made me feel a bit ashamed and afraid.

For example, like I mentioned, I am battling the paradox of wanting to be a more magical intuitive being out of becoming a dreamer that fulfills inspired meanings even at the face of going against disbelieving logic and wanting to seem like a much more accomplished human being in society by ''getting somewhere'' in terms of what is mostly expected from me without needing to ''wait for the right time.'' Perhaps I am trying to find a balance between living richly in my inner world and connecting to the real world, because I have at times fallen into fear that I might be somewhat delusional and off.

In terms of my social and personal life, I am battling the paradox of assuming a passive role by waiting for the right time plus letting certain events fall out as they should in my mind and taking on an active role by searching for more social interactions that can make me appear or at least be assured that I am a socially healthy individual although I am reserved in nature. I also battle a paradox of grabbing what my heart really wants and taking the time to make it all the more meaningful.

I am battling the paradox of fulfilling expectations that can put people in my life at ease after all the drama I put them through and becoming truer to myself in order to heal from a bruised heart.

I am battling the paradox of wanting to live by the beautiful meanings I set in the past in spite of the tragedies of it and going forward from the past with courage and independence.

I am battling the paradox of fear from causing others to be disappointed in me and fear from one day waking up again with the realization that my life is not entirely my own.

I am battling the paradox of deciding that my ideal partner is someone that takes extra good care of me by letting him share every part of me in intuitive, spiritual, social realm and deciding that to grow in my love life, I need someone who can recognize me as a person who secretly desires to be a fiercely independent, free unit.

I am battling the paradox of wanting to keep more to myself in my alone time and causing deeper connections by social flirting in spite of how inappropriate that is.

I am battling the paradox of considering the logical perspectives of others and listening to that inner voice inside me that shows resentment for me not listening to it in the past.

Yes I am a woman of paradoxes, and I am battling my fears. So hard. In a way that causes me to talk like a confused and incoherent and misunderstood individual too.many.times.


I have been told that indecision can be one of the biggest mistakes in my life, but for eff's sake, I need to feel more secure. I'm trying.

I think I can symphatize with these paradoxes, as they haunt me very frequently, especially the expectation vs honesty to self. Coming from a Chinese family, parents and extended family expect so much out of me it is suffocating. Strangely, despite my loathing of them trying to shape me as how they see fit (based on today's society standards of success - money-centered), I become unsettled if they decided to let me do as I please, it makes me feel as if I've stagnated. Either end brings such a guilt it's sickening; I feel guilty of dishonesty to myself by kowtowing endlessly to their expectations, on the other hand, making a stand makes me feel guilty of disrespect and depreciation to their wholehearted support. Naturally, people would tell me (and they've had) to either "find a balance" or "be true to yourself", but I realized that this is literally an eternal rope-walk between Scylla and Charybdis to me.

Another personal paradox of mine is the sense of envy, anger, and sadness when I see others being happy, despite me wholeheartedly wishing and supporting them to be so. I especially hate myself when I feel such negativity from seeing people in happy romantic relationships while putting on a happy, affirming front in front of them. Occasionally, I try to stave these feelings off by vain self-gratification (e.g.: secretly acting like a tragic romantic and imagining myself as a calm, smiling, satisfied observer from afar) to maintain my aloofness - which leaves me even bitter more often than not.

All in all, these paradoxes of mine boil down to the mother of all of my paradoxes - the desire to be understood and recognized by others as a sentient human being vs the fear of being seen as vulnerable and the fear of consciously / subconsciously burdening others in certain ways. I simply can't bring myself to trust even my closest friends in telling them my burdens, despite them saying that they're willing to listen and me appreciating their kindness.
 

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I am also even battling a paradox of appreciating people I care about too much and being less attached at times..sigh
For the way I see it -if you will excuse me for saying- is that you probably shouldn't feel guilty about feeling a great attachment to certain people but that you need times of seperation and emotional (possibly even physical) distance from these same people. This is something I think many introverts go through, but as a deeply feeling person, you are feeling it as a conflict. It isn't so much a conflict in my mind as a means of mental and emotional "survival" if you will. For better emotional stability you need these times to be less attached. It is an emotional necessity for me personally and it is something I've learned to not feel guilty about when I came to terms with accepting myself as an introvert. Much like how people find balance with meditation.
 
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