[MissFixit]

I have an ENTP, I'm pretty sure. She makes me want to STRANGLE her, but of course that is illegal. I need some advice because I really don't want her to hate me when she's an adult, and I don't want her to need therapy for my lack of parenting skills...but at the same time I have to survive, too.

This kid is super extroverted and yet she has almost zero awareness of her surroundings most of the time. She also can't seem to take "nonverbal cues" from people around her in social settings. She'll eat your dessert while she's reciting to you every single line of a movie she just watched.

she's in 2nd grade and she's not autistic. I know in the 2nd grade I could restrain myself much better, but it's like there's no filter on her mouth and she'll PURPOSELY say shit just to see if she can make people feel uncomfortable! What 2nd grader likes to get attention by embarrassing adults?

So what should I do...or what should I NOT do? Honestly I avoid taking her out in public with other adults so I don't have to constantly feel embarrassed...and that doesn't seem fair to her...and yet i just can't stand it. I want to run and hide when she sidles up to somebody and starts talking...
:blushed:

 

[Scruffy]

Introverted parents work well for an ENTP, they keep em' grounded (puuuun). Thing about ENTP children, try not to show any sort "weakness" (whatever the child may think is weak). They like to poke the fire, authority figures bother the piss out of em.

Heh, just treat her like she's older, and reverse psychology.

 

[SlowPoke68]

Sounds like me when I was that age. I was such a charmer.

 

[snail]

Hahaha! You poor thing!

See, this is one reason I'd be terrified of having children. We don't get to pick their type at birth. I'm sure I'd make a horrible mother to an ENTP, because I'd have no idea how to handle that sort of thing.

Then again, I've babysat most of the types. ESTP was probably the most challenging, but also a lot of fun. They're kind of like ENTPs, only more likely to throw physical rocks at you than verbal ones. Fortunately, the ones I've watched were easily distracted by games and activities, so the technique that worked best was a redirecting of their energy. I suppose with an ENTP, steering the conversation onto less threatening topics that the child finds entertaining might work as a temporary fix, but only until she figures out what you're up to.

 

[danicx]

My parents are both introverts. The way she's acting right now could be something she'll soon learn to control. ENTP's are usually pretty gifted at dealing with other people and adjusting our behavior to best suit the situation. She'll find that ability if she doesn't already have it. Or maybe she's deliberately acting out, wanting to push your buttons? I think trying to control her would only make her act out more. Best thing to do is let her be herself, you'll get much less resistance that way, and she might eventually learn to be sensitive to your introversion. But not if she thinks you want to restrain her.

 

[MissFixit]

Thing about ENTP children, try not to show any sort "weakness" (whatever the child may think is weak). They like to poke the fire, authority figures bother the piss out of em.

Ok, see, I have noticed this and it is irritating, mostly because I do not enjoy debating or endless discussions about things I don't care about. SO when she wants an endless debate on basic etiquette rules, I finally get to the point where I say "shut it. and don't do that again or I'll make you sorry."

(I have no weaknesses. This helps.)

Here is the "debate" we just had over a dinner at a restaurant. Some elderly relatives invited me and my kids out, and I prepped her beforehand.

me: "Don't ask for a bunch of desserts like last time."
She: "But they said I could have it."
me: "I don't care. It's rude when people are buying you dinner, to order half of the menu."
she: "but it wasn't half the menu. And he said I could."
me: "I dare you to order dessert this time. DARE. YOU."
she: "well then can i have soup?"
me: "Not if I've already ordered your food and the waitress is gone. Once I order for you, it is DONE."

ok so she's got it, right? There's not a lot of ambiguity in that right?

we're at the restaurant and elderly relative asks if she would like some of his shrimp. Daughter says yes and proceeds to eat his dinner and ignore her own. Then she gets bored and begins with the obnoxious conversation topics. I give her the EVIL STARE a couple of times and she's not really getting it.

Finally I take her in the bathroom and say "STOP TALKING AND EAT YOUR FOOD. DO YOU SEE MY FACE???" She is totally clueless.

Sometimes I feel like I'm kicking a puppy, and other times I think NO! I'm wrestling with a ferret!!

I'm trying to decide if she will need therapy someday or if I will need medication soon. :angry:

 

[YourMom]

Yep, we're energetic and talkative. But how the hell can you type a kid in grade 2?

Stop worrying so much and just let her be. And let her understand that if she acts out there will be unpleasant consequences. My mom routinely took away the computer or TV from me when I misbehaved. Just take her favourite toy away if she misbehaves.

But if you want my honest opinion, at least from what you've described, this sounds like Asbergers. Especially the part about reciting every line of the movie she watched. ENTPs do NOT have that memory capability. ENTPs understand non-verbal cues, we just choose to ignore them sometimes. But even at a young age I knew that sometimes you just have to shut up. Get her tested for Asbergers.

 

[MissFixit]

I think trying to control her would only make her act out more. Best thing to do is let her be herself, you'll get much less resistance that way, and she might eventually learn to be sensitive to your introversion. But not if she thinks you want to restrain her.

I am not a controlling type of person, so normally she is free to be herself, HOWEVER when I am dealing with adult situations that require certain etiquette or social rules, I am pretty hardass. (horrible kids that run wild = stupid parents, etc) I ABHOR negative attention, and so whenever her behavior is getting too much attention I naturally start to freak out.

This is where I don't know if i should try to control my reaction, or if it's ok for me to restrain her for my own sanity.

"Calm down, don't freak out, she's just being herself, nobody is judging you as a mother, ignore the fact that she just burped like a full grown man and you want to crawl under the table" etc etc.

 

[MissFixit]

oh and yes, I agree that you can't type a kid 100%, but this one has been pretty precocious right from the start and the conversations we have just "scream" ENTP to me, however this is just a guess at this point.

I was exaggerating about her memorizing the whole movie. (she's not Rainman, I really don't think she's autistic) edited to add: [after re-reading my first post I can see why you would get that impression. She's really not that socially backward, she does have empathy for others and she can certainly have a conversation that isn't one-sided, it's just that her behavior makes me uncomfortable as an extreme introvert....and so maybe I exaggerate a little]

Can I just ask -- if you had an introverted parent, was there anything terrible that you wish they had done differently? Or are you pretty forgiving of your parents' differences/mistakes/whatever..?

 

[Phoenix Down]

Have you considered ADHD? Even if she's not hyperactive she could be ADHD-Pi.

ADHD predominantly inattentive - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Children who have ADHD
Tend to have problems picking up on social cues because they can't just "sit and observe".
Their brain chemistry is in a state of depression so to make themselves "wake up and pay attention" they will do things like talk or move. This behavior provides stimulation to the brain and thus makes them pay attention.

I know I'm not qualified to make such a diagnosis or anything, but it's worth looking into.
Young children aren't really old enough to have set types yet.

There's a good book called Delivered From Distraction you should try reading.

I would recomend you read it with an open mind.
It is your job as a parent to do what is best for your child.
I promise if indeed your child is ADHD finding out early will save both of you a lot of greif.

I'm not a professional, but I have a hunch.
Feel free to pm me.

 

[MissFixit]

ok, but... she's 8 and all of her teachers say she's a "joy" to have in class. So far she's not showing difficulty with school...so it's hard for me to believe that she's got a disorder. I'll PM you

She's just a little smarty pants who likes to push buttons when she's bored...or I need to try to lighten up? but it's hard being such an introvert.

As another example, my husband left me and the kids over a year ago for another woman. My daughter is super smart and she knew that my explanation of the divorce wasn't the whole story. After that, every time she saw her father (every 6 weeks or so), she would BLAST him with "SO ARE YOU MARRYING THAT GIRL OR WHAT?" -- and I could tell she was trying to put him on the spot and "burn" him, so to speak... she would always do it in front of witnesses to heighten the embarrassment of her dad...it was so obvious. and it worked.

 

[YourMom]

Well in that case stay calm with her. Tell her why she can't just say things like that all the time. Keep doing it, and make sure you look her in the eye. Make her sit down while you stand up. You'll come across as very assertive then.

 

[WildWinds]

An 8 year old has not developed a type yet.

She's just being a kid. Get used to it. Set reasonable boundaries, and find reasonable consequences for when those boundaries are over stepped. Just make sure that they actually ARE reasonable, and you aren't restricting her for the sake of your own comfort. Sometimes the best consequence is one that happens naturally, mistakes.

Try to set up situations so that she has to deal with the consequences of her own actions rather than you.

And one last word, do try to lighten up =P If you don't allow your buttons to be pressed, then its not going to be NEARLY as amusing to her. If she does it to get a reaction, do the opposite. Give her no reaction. Ignore her. If she is doing it because she's bored and thinks its fun to get a rise out of you, then being ignored will take the fun out of the game very quickly.

 

[vel]

This pushing of other people's buttons I read is characteristic of children of ENxP type (ENFPs do is also btw not just ENTPs) but those other functions tend to develop later in life and then they tune down the dominant one. But I also think you are taking it a bit too harshly in sense that you seem to take it as your own personal failure whenever your daughter acts out and very much resent the attention it draws to you. It is my understanding that intuition dominant kids do not have a good sense of hierarchy. I remember myself voicing whatever it was I wanted about adults around me, much to embarrassment of my parents and grandparents. If authority X says Y, there just isn't any sense that statement Y has more value because it came from somebody higher up. So yes I would imagine parenting a kid dominant extraverted intuition must be quite challenging. I think you should react a bit less intensely to this as eventually she will grow older and start growing out of it.

 

[BerkshireHunt]

I want to run and hide when she sidles up to somebody and starts talking...

well you need to get over it, and take pride in her, regardless of whatever trendy diagnosis-du-jour is coming out of contemporary shrinks

would you rather be embarrassed in front of a random stranger, or have your daughter go through life messed up because she felt you weren't proud of who she was?

I'm sure she's difficult, I'm a parent too, but I promise you as an ENTP with what sound like mild Asperger's traits, she's going to have the ability to do things in business and her career 99.9 percent of the rest of the population could never do with all the schooling and training in the world, there is huge upside in having a differently-wired brain

just think of Thomas Edison, who dropped out of school after 3 months, was called "addled" by his teachers, was apparently very difficult as a child, and went on to invent the light bulb, he said the reason he was successful was his mother always believed in him, regardless of all the negativity thrown at him by other adults and teachers

regardless of what you do, you have to show her that you're proud of who she is, and as an ENTP, she'll sense insincerity in a split second, and you should be proud, all those appropriately behaved children will be office drones 20 years from now while your daughter has the chance to be extraordinary....if you don't crush her confidence

 

[Jazzlee]

I second what WildWinds said, about the whole not letting your buttons get pressed thing. She'll lose interest if it doesn't get a rise out of you. And try reverse psychology, too: talk to her like an adult and not as a child, and don't try to make her listen to you by simply claiming that you're the parent, but explain why it's not acceptable and try to stand it. Tell her patiently that you'd really want her to behave differently, and your reasons for it.

I'm not a therapist and I'm not a parent (thank God for that, I'm 17), so I don't know if this will work. I never did such things as a kid, mostly because my mom (who's also an introvert, an ISTJ) already had her hands full arguing with my older sister (who's an ESFP). But I always demanded logical answers to the behavior she wanted me to have. If she simply dismissed my questions with the typical parent-ish questions like, "Because I said so" or "Because I'm your mother, and I'm always right", I just got more pissed and rebellious. If my mom had tried the approach above, I'd have listened to her, even as an 8-year-old. (Honestly, if she tried that approach even now, it'd work. I've even told her this, but she apparently thinks that rules are rules, parents have the right to demand their children to abide by their rules without any logical explanation, and thus we still keep fighting.)

 

[Cryptic]

Aren't there parenting websites for this? As has been pointed out already, children haven't fully developed their type by this age.

Oh, and I was definitely a model child.

 

[amajakgar]

An 8 year old has not developed a type yet.

She's just being a kid. Get used to it. Set reasonable boundaries, and find reasonable consequences for when those boundaries are over stepped. Just make sure that they actually ARE reasonable, and you aren't restricting her for the sake of your own comfort. Sometimes the best consequence is one that happens naturally, mistakes.

Try to set up situations so that she has to deal with the consequences of her own actions rather than you.

And one last word, do try to lighten up =P If you don't allow your buttons to be pressed, then its not going to be NEARLY as amusing to her. If she does it to get a reaction, do the opposite. Give her no reaction. Ignore her. If she is doing it because she's bored and thinks its fun to get a rise out of you, then being ignored will take the fun out of the game very quickly.

This is dead on!

 

[marked174]

Please do not shove pills down your daughter's throat, she sounds like a completely adjusted child with some pretty amazing potential. The whole "But he said I could have some" logic is both compelling and profound; especially for an eight year old. I think that's just awesome. You should be very pleased with your daughter, not frustrated. People should mean what they say. If they say that they want to give me dessert, I would be crazy to think that asking for it would be rude. If anything,it would be rude not to ask for it. But I digress. As long as she is not intentionally hurting others, she's okay. If she is being intentionally mean, just ask her how she would feel if it was done to her. ENTPs have Fe so that should work on a logical scale.

 

[lylyness]

What 2nd grader likes to get attention by embarrassing adults?

Actually a lot, I would think. I certainly did when I was a kid. She probably feels powerful because she is able to control adults in some way. Including you, because you get so visibly upset when she pushes the right buttons. Have you ever tried calling her out immediately, rather than pulling her aside? Embarrass her back. See how she likes it. It requires some confidence on your part, but I think if adults have invited you to bring your child they will expect you to be acting like a parent at the gathering, you know?

Seriously, nobody is going to think you're a bad parent because your kid is acting like a kid. Really really really. You need to appear more confident around her, including in public, for you to maintain her respect.

(You remind me of my introverted dad a little. He never liked to take me anywhere without my mom, the extrovert, to handle me.)