Personality Cafe banner

1 - 18 of 18 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,362 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
So I'm posting here because hey, I assume some/many of you know the feel of the inner INFJ doorslam dynamic, none of you know me in person, and I feel like I need a place to say some things out loud in that kind of context and hear other INFJ's responses, if there are any.

My marriage has hit a crux point for me. It's been a struggle all along. But the love, beauty when things aren't difficult, and my feelings about what marriage is (this is my first marriage and not my first long term relationship - I take marriage extremely seriously) have been most of why I have previously refused to agree that we should end it, even when my wife has suggested that we do so and even at times when I have felt a desire to do so.

And now, I finally seem to have most of the situation clear for myself. And deep fury, combined with the INFJ doorslam impulse, is one of the things that's rising in me at the moment.

My wife wasn't looking for a relationship when we met and truth is, she wasn't ready for one at multiple levels. We were friends who lived in different cities when she realized she was drawn to me and my capacity for love. We decided to explore getting involved. We ended up falling in love and getting married. The reason I entered marriage with her was that I felt her as my mate in this life.

However. When we first met, she was at a crux point in her own life, and was attached to some coping mechanisms that had outlived their usefulness for her well-being - they had begin to feed weaknesses in her and had gotten truly nasty in their physical and energetic effects in her life. She didn't actually describe the big picture of this situation to me at the time, and in fact probably didn't know cognitively what was wrong with or in herself. But in retrospect, it's quite clear to me (and to her, I believe) that something was wrong in or with her at that time and needed shifting/changing.

Even though she didn't know exactly what was wrong with herself, she was planning to do something that would, presumably, move her into a needed next phase in her life. She had been feeling a call, working from deep intuition. When we first got involved, she was planning to go out of the country on a several-month trip that at some level she felt would allow her to heal and change into the next phase of her life.

Then when she fell in love with me, she briefly freaked out from fear that being out of the country and out of touch for months would mean she would lose me/us. As for me, I had no fear about falling in love and wasn't focused on possible loss. I was in a space of pretty extreme depth of love and open-ness in my own life. I was not looking forward to her being out of the country and out of touch, but my response at the time this came up was that if something was going to be so amazing and beautiful for her, it could only benefit us - and any configuration that located us or me in opposition to that kind of thing was suspect and should be questioned and taken down.

But in the aftermath of that particular freakout, and for whatever other reasons she had going on, she decided to move to my city instead, reasoning that because she had a bit of positive history there from many years previous, she could do the healing/metamorphosis there, at the same time as being with me.

Perhaps not surprisingly, this plan of hers did not work. We've been struggling ever since, both personally with each other, and in our material/logistical lives. All sorts of insane crap came up and out, including me spending some time being infected by her fear of loss and not having any context at all for such a feeling (didn't know that could even happen). Now, her harmful coping mechanisms are still present and are doing harm to her life, to our relationship, and to our life together. And I've been entangled in them due to our interactions.

There's no money now for her to do anything like that trip she had been planning to take when we first met. If there was a radically different financial situation, I would very likely suggest that she go get herself together however she needs to do so and come back after clearing and changing as she had planned to do initially, and we would see what happens from there. I think she would agree with that. And for me, I can see and feel who and what she is underneath these horrible nasty coping mechanisms - she is flat-out gorgeous to me in that space and if that is a version of what would emerge (and I believe it is quite likely), I would probably be very happy to have her in my life.

Last night she told me there was an opportunity for her to go visit a friend for a week in a physical area that she feels will allow some tiny bit of healing, just to clear herself up a bit and I told her she should go and she is going.

I suspect that all sorts of things will be coming up and out for me during this time she's away. Already I can feel the rising of the part of me that is beyond furious at her for bringing her relatively extreme baggage into a new and otherwise beautiful connection and expecting herself to be able to heal and do a radical internal change while in the beginning stages of a new relationship. I've looked at the signs I missed and am angry at myself as well.

It's the poisoning of love and beauty that's really getting to me right now. It's a deep-level desecration for me, and I am intensely furious, furious in that semi-impersonal "You have messed with something I hold sacred" INFJ kind of way. Because I do hold these things sacred and was in a space of moving from that sacredness when our lives first intersected.

So I'm glad she's going to do something now that will be of some use to her to get a bit of clarity. And I'm also feeling absolutely disgusted and furious that the chosen beauty and love and open-ness that I was swimming in when we first met - and that was invoked and activated between us at the very deep levels of reality - has had poison and toxicity dumped all over it from problems she brought in.

And it is out of this disgust and fury and sense of ugly desecration that I can feel the INFJ doorslam impulse rising like a wave in me. I've known for a while, and have told her, that if we break up I will want absolutely nothing at all to do with her after that. And that's not the issue for me now, that's the truth and that will not change.

The issue now is that I want to allow myself to feel what I feel and if an ending and doorslam is the best option, then I'll go there. But I also don't want my fury at this desecration of love and beauty to cloud my clarity if that's not the best option.

Don't know if anyone here will have any response to this, and it's totally ok if not (it's long and complicated and writing it out for an INFJ forum has been useful in any case) - but if anyone is inclined to respond, I would welcome it, whether here or via message.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,798 Posts
The fact that you have not caved in to your impulse means there deeper things in play here yet to be examined. It is the rational part of your brain channeling its reason telling you to go deeper and not let your emotions win. Are you feeling emotionally stable enough right now to make a decision? Decisions don't have to be absolutely all or nothing type of deal. Doors can be opened and closed at varying degrees it doesn't have to be all the way open or completely shut. Being on the other side of the INFJ doorslam is painful, especially after all the time and energy you two have invested. My only real tangible suggestion is to perhaps clear your mind and let things normalize before making any permanent decision. I wish the best for you and your wife.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,362 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
@theorycraft

Thank you for your reply, thoughts, suggestion, and good wishes.

I am most certainly taking it slow, decision-wise. For me it's not a question of letting my emotions win or not, it's more about taking this feeling-information for what it is actually saying, whatever that is. If this rising doorslam feeling (which is only one part of what's going on for me in any case) is in fact information that it is finally time for us to end it and it's there to push me to do what needs doing already, then I want to honor that. If it's not, if it's information of another sort, then I want to use it well, whatever that entails.

I do notice that this current feeling is different from previous ones in two ways.

First, in relation to my marriage specifically, this is the first full-on feeling of semi-impersonal fury at what I perceive as desecration of what I hold sacred. The issue has come up before in my reflections, but I didn't clearly understand the situation at that time. Now I do. I do know that this kind of feeling can be a precursor to a doorslam for me. I also assess that when I have done the doorslam in other contexts, I made the correct decision. I don't feel that I've ever been rash in a decision like that.

Second, in relation to other doorslam feelings and experiences, this is the very first time I've experienced firsthand a desire to actually erase someone from my life as part of feeling that fury. It's one thing to say "okay, from this point onward, we're done" and not regret what has happened up to that point. That's my usual thing. But this time, there was actually a point at which I found myself wishing that I could actually go back in time and never meet my wife-to-be in the first place so that there never would have been this particular toxic harm to what I hold sacred. That - the go-back-in-time erasure thing - is a pretty extreme and quite odd reaction for me in particular and I really haven't experienced it before. It came and went, all of this is happening in waves, and I don't know what it means. It is obviously not do-able, so what was the point of feeling that way, I wonder.

Again, thank you for what you wrote!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,426 Posts
Hello @Aquarian, thank you for having the bravery to share your story here.
What you mentioned about the desecration of how you experience beauty and love struck me; I feel I've been there and am still exploring.
Healing will mean exploring the depths of the fury, the discontent and anger, only to accept them as the disillusioned children they are, needing to be nurtured back into the whole of you are.
Their existence and their opinions as emotions are entirely valid and have alerted you to what vulnerability means in true, universal Love; that peripheral damage is entirely possible when in love, because love when true, is ultimately compassion.
If Love gives us a depth of insight, it also gives us an unimaginable sense of openness through which we can channel our loved one, including the effects of their struggles, their doubts and vulnerabilities; such things beam back to us and we are alerted to and can vicariously live their pain.
Though I'm young and have very limited experience, I believe the best one can achieve as a human, individual, lover or teacher (at any age, stage or phase) is to be the example, the reminder of human potential to overcome anything; it's no secret, the hardest thing to overcome, is ourselves.
To allow the "disillusioned children" our emotions can sometimes become, to have full reign for too long with no acceptance or context in which to truly express themselves, clarity of heart and all true fantastic notions of beauty beyond concrete reality will be lost. Do not allow this.
To love yourself will mean to accept the natural end of something, but not to allow it to end you or your loved one in turn.
In other words, even if a door-slam must happen, it can happen from a place of serenity and deep understanding that you have loved, as well as fought, valiantly.
Thank you for reading and I wish you both much clarity of mind and strength to make it through your respective battles.
Sincerely,
LN
 
  • Like
Reactions: Aquarian

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,362 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
@Lady Nurture, thank you for reading and replying to my post and the thoughts and good wishes you shared.

Yes, strength and clarity of mind (and heart and gut) are key in all of this, for us both.

This week is important in the process. It's the first time in a long time that the movement feels really right. Allowing myself to feel what I feel and having these kinds of conversations is part of it for me.

Thank you.
 

·
MOTM October 2013
Joined
·
6,445 Posts
It sounds like your emotions are calling on you to distance yourself from her, but your logic is saying not to slam the door shut entirely.

From what you described, I think this would be a feasible solution. Distance, greatly if you need to, but don't do anything that would end the relationship once and for all. Also let her know you're distancing and why, so as not to give mixed signals.

Remember, too, you can love a person while still rejecting any bad ways in which they treat you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,362 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
@Aizar, thank you! Wonderful food for reflection here.

It sounds like your emotions are calling on you to distance yourself from her, but your logic is saying not to slam the door shut entirely.
Yes and no. The emotions I'm describing here are only some of the overall emotions at play here, and the logic evident in what I'm writing here is only part of the logical processes as well.

So for example, along with the fury/desecration/doorslam emotions there is also love and a related delight at her happiness to have the opportunity she's taking right now for this week and an also related yearning for her to find a way to be well more generally because she really is a wonderful, vibrant and brilliant human being when this nasty stuff is not running her.

And along with the logic saying to use the emotional information well, there is also a shallower logic, probably getting toward a bit of a Ni-Ti loop, about how in a circumstance like this I really should not have any further attachment to this relationship or this person, for all the reasons that come up in our fights that seem cognitively logical at some level.

From what you described, I think this would be a feasible solution. Distance, greatly if you need to, but don't do anything that would end the relationship once and for all. Also let her know you're distancing and why, so as not to give mixed signals.
I would just need to have any distancing be based on my true gut feel of things and not emotional or cognitive reactionary responses. There are some potential traps in the reactionary thing for me.

This is reminding me of a very small thing that does feel gut-level right to me. Initially, we were going to keep in touch this week via a daily phone call. But I kept having the feeling that for me it would be better to be in touch on email. For me, email offers distance in a few ways - it just has a layer of distance due to the physical structure of it (feels "quieter" to me right now), it's asynchronous so I don't have to respond immediately but can reply when and how and feels best to me, doesn't require any sort of small talk at all, and doesn't put our communication at the beck and call of her schedule in any way.

All I had to do was ask and this was fine. She didn't need me to tell her why, though she's so intuitive that I suspect she gets it anyway.

And this is a very small example, but was actually kind of a big deal to me because I initially started thinking that this was petty or silly or whatever - I mean seriously, I only want to email with my wife for a week? But it just kept feeling best and so I did ask and now I can feel how right it is.

Remember, too, you can love a person while still rejecting any bad ways in which they treat you.
While I recognize this statement as true, for some reason I'm having difficulty really getting it in real-world concrete terms right now. Weird to have such a blurry area. Huh.

Thank you again.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
435 Posts
So I'm posting here because hey, I assume some/many of you know the feel of the inner INFJ doorslam dynamic, none of you know me in person, and I feel like I need a place to say some things out loud in that kind of context and hear other INFJ's responses, if there are any.

My marriage has hit a crux point for me. It's been a struggle all along. But the love, beauty when things aren't difficult, and my feelings about what marriage is (this is my first marriage and not my first long term relationship - I take marriage extremely seriously) have been most of why I have previously refused to agree that we should end it, even when my wife has suggested that we do so and even at times when I have felt a desire to do so.

And now, I finally seem to have most of the situation clear for myself. And deep fury, combined with the INFJ doorslam impulse, is one of the things that's rising in me at the moment.

My wife wasn't looking for a relationship when we met and truth is, she wasn't ready for one at multiple levels. We were friends who lived in different cities when she realized she was drawn to me and my capacity for love. We decided to explore getting involved. We ended up falling in love and getting married. The reason I entered marriage with her was that I felt her as my mate in this life.

However. When we first met, she was at a crux point in her own life, and was attached to some coping mechanisms that had outlived their usefulness for her well-being - they had begin to feed weaknesses in her and had gotten truly nasty in their physical and energetic effects in her life. She didn't actually describe the big picture of this situation to me at the time, and in fact probably didn't know cognitively what was wrong with or in herself. But in retrospect, it's quite clear to me (and to her, I believe) that something was wrong in or with her at that time and needed shifting/changing.

Even though she didn't know exactly what was wrong with herself, she was planning to do something that would, presumably, move her into a needed next phase in her life. She had been feeling a call, working from deep intuition. When we first got involved, she was planning to go out of the country on a several-month trip that at some level she felt would allow her to heal and change into the next phase of her life.

Then when she fell in love with me, she briefly freaked out from fear that being out of the country and out of touch for months would mean she would lose me/us. As for me, I had no fear about falling in love and wasn't focused on possible loss. I was in a space of pretty extreme depth of love and open-ness in my own life. I was not looking forward to her being out of the country and out of touch, but my response at the time this came up was that if something was going to be so amazing and beautiful for her, it could only benefit us - and any configuration that located us or me in opposition to that kind of thing was suspect and should be questioned and taken down.

But in the aftermath of that particular freakout, and for whatever other reasons she had going on, she decided to move to my city instead, reasoning that because she had a bit of positive history there from many years previous, she could do the healing/metamorphosis there, at the same time as being with me.

Perhaps not surprisingly, this plan of hers did not work. We've been struggling ever since, both personally with each other, and in our material/logistical lives. All sorts of insane crap came up and out, including me spending some time being infected by her fear of loss and not having any context at all for such a feeling (didn't know that could even happen). Now, her harmful coping mechanisms are still present and are doing harm to her life, to our relationship, and to our life together. And I've been entangled in them due to our interactions.

There's no money now for her to do anything like that trip she had been planning to take when we first met. If there was a radically different financial situation, I would very likely suggest that she go get herself together however she needs to do so and come back after clearing and changing as she had planned to do initially, and we would see what happens from there. I think she would agree with that. And for me, I can see and feel who and what she is underneath these horrible nasty coping mechanisms - she is flat-out gorgeous to me in that space and if that is a version of what would emerge (and I believe it is quite likely), I would probably be very happy to have her in my life.

Last night she told me there was an opportunity for her to go visit a friend for a week in a physical area that she feels will allow some tiny bit of healing, just to clear herself up a bit and I told her she should go and she is going.

I suspect that all sorts of things will be coming up and out for me during this time she's away. Already I can feel the rising of the part of me that is beyond furious at her for bringing her relatively extreme baggage into a new and otherwise beautiful connection and expecting herself to be able to heal and do a radical internal change while in the beginning stages of a new relationship. I've looked at the signs I missed and am angry at myself as well.

It's the poisoning of love and beauty that's really getting to me right now. It's a deep-level desecration for me, and I am intensely furious, furious in that semi-impersonal "You have messed with something I hold sacred" INFJ kind of way. Because I do hold these things sacred and was in a space of moving from that sacredness when our lives first intersected.

So I'm glad she's going to do something now that will be of some use to her to get a bit of clarity. And I'm also feeling absolutely disgusted and furious that the chosen beauty and love and open-ness that I was swimming in when we first met - and that was invoked and activated between us at the very deep levels of reality - has had poison and toxicity dumped all over it from problems she brought in.

And it is out of this disgust and fury and sense of ugly desecration that I can feel the INFJ doorslam impulse rising like a wave in me. I've known for a while, and have told her, that if we break up I will want absolutely nothing at all to do with her after that. And that's not the issue for me now, that's the truth and that will not change.

The issue now is that I want to allow myself to feel what I feel and if an ending and doorslam is the best option, then I'll go there. But I also don't want my fury at this desecration of love and beauty to cloud my clarity if that's not the best option.

Don't know if anyone here will have any response to this, and it's totally ok if not (it's long and complicated and writing it out for an INFJ forum has been useful in any case) - but if anyone is inclined to respond, I would welcome it, whether here or via message.

Wow....do realize how extreamly selfish and childish you sound?

And also, are you a male or female?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
435 Posts
So I'm posting here because hey, I assume some/many of you know the feel of the inner INFJ doorslam dynamic, none of you know me in person, and I feel like I need a place to say some things out loud in that kind of context and hear other INFJ's responses, if there are any.

My marriage has hit a crux point for me. It's been a struggle all along. But the love, beauty when things aren't difficult, and my feelings about what marriage is (this is my first marriage and not my first long term relationship - I take marriage extremely seriously) have been most of why I have previously refused to agree that we should end it, even when my wife has suggested that we do so and even at times when I have felt a desire to do so.

And now, I finally seem to have most of the situation clear for myself. And deep fury, combined with the INFJ doorslam impulse, is one of the things that's rising in me at the moment.

My wife wasn't looking for a relationship when we met and truth is, she wasn't ready for one at multiple levels. We were friends who lived in different cities when she realized she was drawn to me and my capacity for love. We decided to explore getting involved. We ended up falling in love and getting married. The reason I entered marriage with her was that I felt her as my mate in this life.

However. When we first met, she was at a crux point in her own life, and was attached to some coping mechanisms that had outlived their usefulness for her well-being - they had begin to feed weaknesses in her and had gotten truly nasty in their physical and energetic effects in her life. She didn't actually describe the big picture of this situation to me at the time, and in fact probably didn't know cognitively what was wrong with or in herself. But in retrospect, it's quite clear to me (and to her, I believe) that something was wrong in or with her at that time and needed shifting/changing.

Even though she didn't know exactly what was wrong with herself, she was planning to do something that would, presumably, move her into a needed next phase in her life. She had been feeling a call, working from deep intuition. When we first got involved, she was planning to go out of the country on a several-month trip that at some level she felt would allow her to heal and change into the next phase of her life.

Then when she fell in love with me, she briefly freaked out from fear that being out of the country and out of touch for months would mean she would lose me/us. As for me, I had no fear about falling in love and wasn't focused on possible loss. I was in a space of pretty extreme depth of love and open-ness in my own life. I was not looking forward to her being out of the country and out of touch, but my response at the time this came up was that if something was going to be so amazing and beautiful for her, it could only benefit us - and any configuration that located us or me in opposition to that kind of thing was suspect and should be questioned and taken down.

But in the aftermath of that particular freakout, and for whatever other reasons she had going on, she decided to move to my city instead, reasoning that because she had a bit of positive history there from many years previous, she could do the healing/metamorphosis there, at the same time as being with me.

Perhaps not surprisingly, this plan of hers did not work. We've been struggling ever since, both personally with each other, and in our material/logistical lives. All sorts of insane crap came up and out, including me spending some time being infected by her fear of loss and not having any context at all for such a feeling (didn't know that could even happen). Now, her harmful coping mechanisms are still present and are doing harm to her life, to our relationship, and to our life together. And I've been entangled in them due to our interactions.

There's no money now for her to do anything like that trip she had been planning to take when we first met. If there was a radically different financial situation, I would very likely suggest that she go get herself together however she needs to do so and come back after clearing and changing as she had planned to do initially, and we would see what happens from there. I think she would agree with that. And for me, I can see and feel who and what she is underneath these horrible nasty coping mechanisms - she is flat-out gorgeous to me in that space and if that is a version of what would emerge (and I believe it is quite likely), I would probably be very happy to have her in my life.and out for me during this time she's away. Already I can feel the rising of the part of me that is beyond furious at her for bringing her relatively extreme baggage into a new and otherwise beautiful connection and expecting herself to be able to heal and do a radical internal change while in the beginning stages of a new relationship. I've looked at the signs I missed and am angry at myself as well.

It's the poisoning of love and beauty that's really getting to me right now. It's a deep-level desecration for me, and I am intensely furious, furious in that semi-impersonal "You have messed with something I hold sacred" INFJ kind of way. Because I do hold these things sacred and was in a space of moving from that sacredness when our lives first intersected.

So I'm glad she's going to do something now that will be of some use to her to get a bit of clarity. And I'm also feeling absolutely disgusted and furious that the chosen beauty and love and open-ness that I was swimming in when we first met - and that was invoked and activated between us at the very deep levels of reality - has had poison and toxicity dumped all over it from problems she brought in.

And it is out of this disgust and fury and sense of ugly desecration that I can feel the INFJ doorslam impulse rising like a wave in me. I've known for a while, and have told her, that if we break up I will want absolutely nothing at all to do with her after that. And that's not the issue for me now, that's the truth and that will not change

Last night she told me there was an opportunity for her to go visit a friend for a week in a physical area that she feels will allow some tiny bit of healing, just to clear herself up a bit and I told her she should go and she is going.

I suspect that all sorts of things will be coming up .

The issue now is that I want to allow myself to feel what I feel and if an ending and doorslam is the best option, then I'll go there. But I also don't want my fury at this desecration of love and beauty to cloud my clarity if that's not the best option.

Don't know if anyone here will have any response to this, and it's totally ok if not (it's long and complicated and writing it out for an INFJ forum has been useful in any case) - but if anyone is inclined to respond, I would welcome it, whether here or via message.

This is going to be blunt, but you sound like a complete asshole.

If I read your post correctly, it sounds to me like your wife is dealing with some issues (which you fail to really specify) and is going through a hard time financially and emotionally and in the midst of this is scared of losing you but wants to get away for a little while to regroup and heal (from some unspecified issues). And in stead of being supportive and emathetic to your her, you are more concerned with your own feelings...

I cringed when I read this post. Kinda disturbed me to be honest.... I mean do you know what true love is? When you married her you made a vow to her and to God that through the good times AND the bad times that you would stick with her.... How weak are you? Can you not be there for someone with out caring about yourself first? You say you take marriage serious but I dont think you do...
 

·
Meh.
Joined
·
8,053 Posts
Have you tried a trial separation yet? Have you actually tried to be apart and not have contact?

Ending a marriage is a big deal. Nobody here can make that decision for you. Everybody here can share a personal story to tell you how they reacted in a situation with similar experiences. Yet, you are the only one who knows deep down how you feel about your marriage. You are the only one that can place value where it's due. You are the only one that can decide whether or not things are either 'difficult' or 'impossible'.

Remember that feeling when you said "I Do" .. is that still there? Is a fraction of it still alive? Is it worth going through hell and back for. Is it worth fighting for when giving up seems to be the easiest thing to do? What would it take for you two to be happy again?

Just a few questions I would have to ask myself if I'd find myself in this situation.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
435 Posts
That's scary that marriage for anyone reguardless of type would be predicated around "feelings". It annoys me to the f*cking core! Feelings require absolutely no loyalty, no resiliance, no patience, no forgiveness.......... If love is only a feeling then it really is not love.

 

·
Banned
Joined
·
14,145 Posts
This is going to be blunt, but you sound like a complete asshole.
I completely concur.

I'm curious to know what the OP's "coping mechanisms" are ...
 
  • Like
Reactions: Dove_Eyes

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,362 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
How odd to see this older post come up again so many months later!

This is going to be blunt, but you sound like a complete asshole.If I read your post correctly, it sounds to me like your wife is dealing with some issues (which you fail to really specify) and is going through a hard time financially and emotionally and in the midst of this is scared of losing you but wants to get away for a little while to regroup and heal (from some unspecified issues). And in stead of being supportive and emathetic to your her, you are more concerned with your own feelings...
No, you weren't reading the post correctly. When I wrote that post, it was in the midst of being very supportive of her need to get away to another part of the country where she felt better from the land itself, to regroup and heal. In fact, I had been the one to pick up and voice and insist that she get to that place as she needed to and desired to at that time, and I gave her an early birthday present to make that possible.

I wrote the post to explore my own feelings during the time that she was gone. My doorslam feelings had nothing to do with her needing to be in a place that felt healing to her. They were due to something else, our struggles throughout our connection, which I didn't understand at the cognitive level at that time but had been struggling with for a long time.

And also, are you a male or female?
I think the little boxes on the left side of our posts/comments usually show gender identification of the writer if we set it in our profiles (which I did), but to be clear I'm a woman. As is she.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,362 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
I'm curious to know what the OP's "coping mechanisms" are ...
I've since learned that a lot of what's happened in this relationship is linked into my SO (no longer my wife) growing up as the child of a drug addict, and some pain in me that got sort of hooked into that though I don't have a background with addiction in the family.

We're currently moving from the default assumption that we'll break up completely unless something can shift in the next few months that we don't yet know about. I was the one to end the actual marriage (which didn't require legal action since we weren't allowed to marry legally when we did it) and she was the one to more recently say that we need to move from this default assumption of breaking up, because it isn't working between us, unless something else can change.

As whatever unfolds from here unfolds, we each have things we have to deal with in ourselves, and we've discussed some of them. I don't know if what I'm addressing in myself now are coping mechanisms, exactly, but here's the stuff I'm working on in case it's relevant to the question:

1. Enneagram 6 thing - I've had a loss of deep knowing and what some of the descriptions call "faith." Deep loneliness based on an illusion of separation from my origin/source was the entry point in me for me to participate in a version of the dysfunctional dynamics that she imported from her childhood. I confused her initial merging impulses with a desire toward interdependent connection, and have been struggling ever since because what I believed was going on was never actually happening. I do have a pattern of mapping one thing onto another out of this illusion-based loneliness. I didn't actually look, let alone see, the layer of emotional dysfunction in where she was coming from initially. So I'm looking now, and more importantly I'm removing (?word) the illusion of separation that yielded the deep loneliness to begin with.

2. The culture/dynamic that comes from families with addicted parents is, for lack of a better word, crazy-making. There's a lot of intense distortion that comes into play. One of my own learned coping mechanisms in relation to anything I perceive as reality-distorting is to fight back pretty hard against that. In this case, I kept trying to adapt to the cultural dynamics while at the same time a part of me refused to do so. I responded at times by suppressing myself, and at other times by fighting very hard against what felt to me like a mindfuck. My role in this insanity included a cycle of "adaptive" self-suppression followed by fighting back against that suppression, followed by feeling really bad that I did fight back even as I knew that the distortions were harming me very deeply, rinse and repeat.

3. And overall, I can say this about this many-months-old doorslam post - in retrospect, I feel like it was actually an impulse toward health for me to want OUT OUT OUT of this insane distortion field that came from her childhood and that imported, with my participation, into our relationship from it start. I can say now that there are two ways for me to get out from this distortion field. One would be if the relationship ends. The other would be if we can destroy the cultural dynamics that came from her childhood by doing the work that we each need to do for that to happen. As of this moment, it's not clear to me which it will be.
 

·
Meh.
Joined
·
8,053 Posts
Wow I hadn't even realised this post was so old.

I'm happy for you that you have come a bit further along with the issue. I imagine it's not easy to deal with on a daily basis. I hope you and her find out what's best for both of you. And regardless of what happens: I hope she's able to find some peace with her childhood. When you spend your childhood surviving, it takes a long time to learn how to live.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,362 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
Wow I hadn't even realised this post was so old.

I'm happy for you that you have come a bit further along with the issue. I imagine it's not easy to deal with on a daily basis. I hope you and her find out what's best for both of you. And regardless of what happens: I hope she's able to find some peace with her childhood. When you spend your childhood surviving, it takes a long time to learn how to live.
And one especially favorite role for people like this, apparently, is that of the perennial victim who can always get a pass from themselves because of the difficulty of their lives. It appalls me that people like this can wreak havoc in others' lives, can spread the poison they carry and choose not to expel from themselves to those who were not initially poisoned by it. One of my friends was saying that yes, children don't have choices when they find themselves in these environments, but there comes a point as adults that people do have real choices. And her choice - this is a woman I met in her late 30s - her choice was and I believe remains not to honestly attend to this poison she carries, and that choice means she functions as an active transmitter of this poison.

And as one who has had that infiltrate into my life, and who has accepted this insane story that somehow what's wrong with her is my fault (crazy, freaking crazy), I'm just disgusted beyond measure.
 
1 - 18 of 18 Posts
Top