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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm curious, and also wondering if there is any type of trend in personality types with who ISTPs are in a relationship with...


  • What is the type of your spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, partner (or whatever you call them)?
  • Is there anything about either of you, in relation to personality type, that makes your relationship successful?
  • Is there anything about either of you that makes your relationship suffer?

Being new to MBTI I can't really break down his personality type and explain why he does the things he does but, my boyfriend is an ENTP. I enjoy that he is an extrovert for the fact he is quite easy to talk to and I don't have to work so hard to keep a good conversation going. For some reason I always think extroverts should be more physically active than an introvert, but I'm the more active one. He is blunt, I am blunt. He has a good sense of humor and is difficult to offend, as am I. But it seems that he much is quicker to question why I did something than I am to question him. He will make a harsh joke and I will laugh and find it funny. If I make a harsh joke, he will laugh... but will also questioning why I made such a joke.

I find that he is indeed quite headstrong. And while I am also stubborn, I usually just let him go on with whatever it is for the sake I don't like to argue. Too exhausting. We fortunately are not an argumentative couple and when we have argued, it was never serious. But he does almost always get the upper hand in an argument.

He is drastically more patient than I am. Maybe this is our S/N differences? He is totally fine with making concrete plans (for both of us...) even six months in the future. I am a very "here and now" type of person, and am also very impatient.

Something I don't understand and is confusing to me is because of our types is, he is actually much more private than I am. For example if he asks me about my day I'll pretty much tell him everything that went on. If I ask him about his, it takes some prying to get anything more than a "good".

Ok, done rambling. Please share!
 

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My boyfriend is an ENTP as well. Our relationship now vs. how it was 4 years ago is pretty different. We've both adapted to each others' preferences a little more over time, or just kind of changed our perspective about things altogether. For instance, for lack of a better word, he's a bit of a conspiracy theorist. At first, when he would rant about some likely (but still theorized) injustice, I would feel stressed because I wasn't as upset about it as he was, and I felt like he expected me to be. Now, he understands that it's okay if we don't feel the same level of anger/outrage, and since I don't feel that same pressure, not only is it not stressful to listen to his rants anymore, but I enjoy them and feel free to put in my two cents in an objective, logical way (which I obviously prefer).

As far as our strengths go, I feel like we're both kinda lucky that we have a decent balance between our Ti and Fe (when I was younger, I tried the ENTP out thing out and it failed horribly; both of our Fe was lacking). We have a similar need for independence, which somehow makes all the time we spend together (which is a lot... we live together and work at the same company) pleasant and easy (I often get annoyed and frustrated with people I spend too much time with). We motivate, challenge, and support each other, but also enjoy a few lazier weeks cuddling on the couch, eating popcorn and watching a Lost marathon. We rarely fight, but when we do, we have no problem getting down to business, hashing it out, and then hopping into bed as soon as the unpleasantness is over. Lol. Best of all, we have a very playful relationship, laugh a lot, and troll each other often. :proud:

I suppose as far as the bads go, we have a tendency to hole up and be anti-social (he's not a super sociable Extrovert). We're also not as vocal of our needs as we probably should be, but that's not as big of a problem as it once was. Also, despite spending massive amounts of time together, we can kind of get lost doing our own thing for extended periods of time.

Something I don't understand and is confusing to me is because of our types is, he is actually much more private than I am. For example if he asks me about my day I'll pretty much tell him everything that went on. If I ask him about his, it takes some prying to get anything more than a "good".
This used to happend in our relationship as well. It took a good bit of time and positive reinforcement (insisting I enjoyed hearing what he had to say, no matter how boring he thought it was), but he's a lot better about it now.
 

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My BF of 4 months is an ESFJ. The credit for this relationship goes 100% to him, it would have never happened were it not for his strong Fe. I am passive, really content being on my own and I have a tendency to flee. But he pushed through all that and would not let me go.

Ironically (in regards to the popular F vs. T misconception) he is less emotional and more rational than I am when it comes to emotions and relationships. He can reason through a relationship issue, while I completely lose the capacity to think. I keep going back to the issue over and over again and can't logic my way out of it. The only way for me to get out of the loop, regain control and be able to think again is to distance myself (hence the fleeing).

Take jealousy for example. When he got jealous, he did not get "emotional", he worked through it in a very rational way (if you think about it). He tried to gauge my feelings about the object of his jealousy, the context, the history, lotttts of talking, until he reached a satisfying conclusion. When jealous, I freaked out and got super emotional* (with tears). I got hung up on the one aspect I'd perceived (wrongly, by the way) and all reason flew out the window. I rolled the issue around in my head but mostly to attach additional supporting evidence to it, not to explore alternative explanations.

* a little note to say that my usual MO for relationship issues would be to put on a straight face, stifle my feelings and run away (at least until I calm down, often forever). But I am now trying actively to be in touch with my feelings and allow myself to be more vulnerable and human. Basically, I let it all happen and do what regular people do - stay and feel it. It's tough!

I read about his type so I know to give him lots of positive feedback. (Still probably not enough)

He takes it personally if I am having an off moment. It is no use to explain "it's not you, it's the weather, the hormones, the lack of sleep, the fish I ate for lunch". He needs to fix my bad moment or he will feel terrible. So I am trying to figure action oriented items for him to do (feed me, give me a massage) that would help me feel a little better and then he feels better, too.

We get along very well in day to day life but it's a fresh relationship, so who knows. Some aspects that probably help:
- he's not very sociable for an extrovert, while I'm a very sociable introvert. Our social needs seem to be similar.
- he is quite masculine (outwardly), I'm quite feminine (outwardly). For both of us, our hormones and gender socialization go contrary to the innate nature of our type. This brings us from polar opposites closer to the middle of the field and smooths out some of the differences which might be too great in a relationship between a female ESFJ with a male ISTP.
- we both enjoy the Sensory side of life (climbing, cycling, eating, drinking) and the sensory experiences we shared have been an invaluable bonding tool. He does have a preference towards things (food, etc.) he already knows (Si), while I prefer to try new things (Se).

Some things I see as potential problem areas:
- he is concerned/guided by social norms. What he should do. (I do what I want to do). He does have a rebellious, adventurous side to him, so it might turn out ok in the end.
- he complains that I don't work on the relationship as much as he does and that I am too detached, too willing to drop it all.
- we're going to become obese if we keep eating and drinking at this pace!

Er, this got way too long!

tl;dr BF is ESFJ, we bond over the S, differences are sexy.
 

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My BF of 4 months is an ESFJ.
tl;dr BF is ESFJ, we bond over the S, differences are sexy.
I've wondered about this kind of relationship dynamic; I've seen it in real life with a female ESFJ and male ISTP, and their relationship often plays out like the stereotypes from a chick lit novel--so it's interesting to read about it from the opposite POV. Wish I could find an ESFJ in real life.

Personally, I've only been with an ISFJ, which didn't work out in the long run. Both of us were type 9s, so we were both pretty avoidant of conflict. I had problems with communication; he said that I was "emotionally cold" (fair enough; but I think "not emotionally expressive" is more accurate). Major martyr complex, as in, he'd complain about all the things he was doing for the relationship that I wasn't reciprocating in, when he didn't communicate what he needed in return. His Si drove me crazy, too, in multiple areas of our relationship (as a mild example, he'd want to eat at the same restaurant all the time because he loved their baked ziti).

I think any type can be attracted to any type, and have a successful relationship with them, as long as each partner has an understanding of the other's weaknesses as well as their strengths, and has realistic expectations for the relationship. One of the mistakes that people often make when they go into a relationship is to focus on the silver lining of their partner's personality; and if the relationship breaks up, these types of people are often the most disillusioned, because they'd idealized their partner in their heads. If you understand your partner's weaknesses, as well as your own, you can develop better strategies for overcoming difficulties that might arise.
 

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Wife unit is an ISFJ.

What works for us is that she's very caring and shows it by taking care of me when I need it (sick or injured), and I take care of her by doing to technical/physical stuff (mowing the lawn, installing new lighting, building stuff) around the house. We both enjoy out of doors activities, as well as movies and eating out.

What doesn't work is that she is very set in her view of the world ('things' are one way and only that way). When something doesn't fit this view she gets angry (more often than not it's her perception of how I should behave that she's angry about). She's quick to make judgments with little or no information. She has a need to be with me every chance she gets, which doesn't allow me much time to myself to do my own thing (and when I get that time she uses technology to keep after me which is annoying).
 
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It's so interesting to read about your ISFJs and how similar they are to my ESFJ.

I have to say, personality typing has been a revelation for me. It's helped me so much to be kinder and more understanding to myself and to others. Take the Si for example, wanting to eat at the same restaurant all the time. Annoying, yes, but thanks to understanding his type I get why he does it so it doesn't bother me as much. Before, I would have fought against it; now I know how I can work with it. I should probably start a tradition of trying out a new restaurant each week; the appeal would be the tradition for him and the new for me. Win-win.
 

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Not an ISTP, but I am dating one.

My Te and his Ti seem to support each other, despite the differences; I love the T based communication we have. We often bond over Se based activities (well, as much as that's possible in a long distance relationship), though a lot of the time that means him dragging my Se out. His Ni seems to be more negatively focused (e.g. thinking up all the bad scenarios and getting stressed over them), so I'm slowly learning how to use my Ni as a positive counterbalance. As for my Fi and his Fe, that's probably the most confusing thing about the other for each of us but at the same time I think we respect and appreciate it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Interesting responses guy, appreciate it.

I firmly believe each person is an individual, and no personality type will fit someone 100%. That said I think personality typing absolutely shows patterns in a person's personality. And as others have said here, it helps me understand myself and others such as my boyfriend. Reading about his personality type gives me a little insight into how he works, how/why he reacts the way he does, etc. Guess MBTI makes me a little bit more aware.

Best of all, we have a very playful relationship, laugh a lot, and troll each other often. :proud:

I suppose as far as the bads go, we have a tendency to hole up and be anti-social (he's not a super sociable Extrovert). We're also not as vocal of our needs as we probably should be, but that's not as big of a problem as it once was. Also, despite spending massive amounts of time together, we can kind of get lost doing our own thing for extended periods of time.
Both of these points are pretty similar to my own relationship. We are both pretty playful and mess with each other quite a bit. But on the other hand, like I stated in my last response, there is a level of privacy (more so on his end) that I wish wasn't so "high". He is quite sociable and yet at the same time he will admit he gets self conscious despite being seemingly headstrong at times. I suppose this is possible for any type but, him being an extrovert and ENTP, still confuses me a bit.
 

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My boyfriend is an ENTP as well. Our relationship now vs. how it was 4 years ago is pretty different. We've both adapted to each others' preferences a little more over time, or just kind of changed our perspective about things altogether. For instance, for lack of a better word, he's a bit of a conspiracy theorist. At first, when he would rant about some likely (but still theorized) injustice, I would feel stressed because I wasn't as upset about it as he was, and I felt like he expected me to be. Now, he understands that it's okay if we don't feel the same level of anger/outrage, and since I don't feel that same pressure, not only is it not stressful to listen to his rants anymore, but I enjoy them and feel free to put in my two cents in an objective, logical way (which I obviously prefer).

As far as our strengths go, I feel like we're both kinda lucky that we have a decent balance between our Ti and Fe (when I was younger, I tried the ENTP out thing out and it failed horribly; both of our Fe was lacking). We have a similar need for independence, which somehow makes all the time we spend together (which is a lot... we live together and work at the same company) pleasant and easy (I often get annoyed and frustrated with people I spend too much time with). We motivate, challenge, and support each other, but also enjoy a few lazier weeks cuddling on the couch, eating popcorn and watching a Lost marathon. We rarely fight, but when we do, we have no problem getting down to business, hashing it out, and then hopping into bed as soon as the unpleasantness is over. Lol. Best of all, we have a very playful relationship, laugh a lot, and troll each other often. :proud:

I suppose as far as the bads go, we have a tendency to hole up and be anti-social (he's not a super sociable Extrovert). We're also not as vocal of our needs as we probably should be, but that's not as big of a problem as it once was. Also, despite spending massive amounts of time together, we can kind of get lost doing our own thing for extended periods of time.
I am an ENTP woman, and my fiance is an ISTP man. This describes our relationship very well. I'm chatty, adventurous, social, contemplative, reflective, and affectionate. He is stable, stubborn one minute, laid back the next, action-oriented, impatient, and quiet (though everyone is drawn to him and LOVES him, even children and dogs, which he tolerates). We do a great job of balancing each other out...I get him out and social, appreciating life...he keeps me stable and sane, grounded in long-term goals and routine. We laugh at each other constantly, and can hang out together or together-separately. My only complaint is we have a tendency to hole up too! I feel like myself completely around him, which is very hard for my person-pleasing, motivation-changing ENTP self.

I am actually more private than he is as well. I think it has to do with the ENTP need to constantly monitor our motivations and internal conversations. I have to monitor my inner world so closely, I just don't easily let others in, except for a drowning. :D Really, the best thing he does is just be there for me, so reliable in a world I have problems trusting. In return, I am very loyal to him, faithful, considerate and affectionate.
 

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I am actually more private than he is as well. I think it has to do with the ENTP need to constantly monitor our motivations and internal conversations. I have to monitor my inner world so closely, I just don't easily let others in, except for a drowning. :D Really, the best thing he does is just be there for me, so reliable in a world I have problems trusting. In return, I am very loyal to him, faithful, considerate and affectionate.
That seems to be a pretty good description of my ENTP too. Although, I never really thought of it as he was more "private than me" (in other words, a deliberate privacy) but simply he was more hesitant to share. Like you said, he seems to check his internal motivations often. The strange thing is, I do this a lot too. I wonder if it's a Ti thing: reasoning something out before vocalizing it. Perhaps because I'm Ti dom, I just do it more quickly and/or thoroughly?
 

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That seems to be a pretty good description of my ENTP too. Although, I never really thought of it as he was more "private than me" (in other words, a deliberate privacy) but simply he was more hesitant to share. Like you said, he seems to check his internal motivations often. The strange thing is, I do this a lot too. I wonder if it's a Ti thing: reasoning something out before vocalizing it. Perhaps because I'm Ti dom, I just do it more quickly and/or thoroughly?
I should clarify...I don't think I'm necessarily more "private" but he will tell me how he's feeling if it's really bothering him (or I can just tell, he usually changes his behavior if he's feeling something negative) and if it's something good, he loves to share it. But I tend to live inside my own head so much, it's tough to tell WHEN I should share, because there is a lot going on, and I'm still working shit out. If I'm really hung up, I will usually find an outlet to discuss (him or someone else, like my dad), but I tend to share the work frustrations and similar first, and the deep down and dirty tough emotions LAST. Does that make sense?
 

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I should clarify...I don't think I'm necessarily more "private" but he will tell me how he's feeling if it's really bothering him (or I can just tell, he usually changes his behavior if he's feeling something negative) and if it's something good, he loves to share it. But I tend to live inside my own head so much, it's tough to tell WHEN I should share, because there is a lot going on, and I'm still working shit out. If I'm really hung up, I will usually find an outlet to discuss (him or someone else, like my dad), but I tend to share the work frustrations and similar first, and the deep down and dirty tough emotions LAST. Does that make sense?
Ah, yeah. That definitely seems to be the case with us as well. He really struggles to vocalize those tough emotions, even more so than me (trust me, it's not pleasant for me either). I always figured a tertiary Fe user would have an easier time than an inferior Fe user, but doesn't seem to be the case.
 
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