Personality Cafe banner
1 - 20 of 25 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
360 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It seems that it's very dangerous for people like us to become attached to people who don't always say what they mean.

I'm so brainwashed I think it's only females who play games/manipulate/generally mindfuck their SOs... but dudes seem to fool me every time. For a while, at least. Once I catch on, it's over. But still... I disappoint myself when I fall for it for so long.

How do the rest of you handle passive aggression?
 
  • Like
Reactions: Brother

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,677 Posts
Passive agression is the worst.
Part of the reason my closest friend is my closest friend is she's really blunt and honest with everything. The indirect complaining really wears on you.
I think the best thing to do is not reward it.
A while ago I was at a theme park with two friends. It went something like

Friend: So what should we do next?
Me: How about this ride?
They both clearly weren't that interested. But they didn't say that. They said
Other friend: It's up to you guys.
Friend: If you want to.

This had happened more than once, so I finally just got in line. They seemed unhappy about it and complained and said it was the worst ride of the day or whatever. But I didn't feel bad about making them go on it because I didn't make them go on it. If they wanted to skip it they should've just said so.

I don't know if anything can stop someone from being passive aggressive, but you don't have to give into it. Don't let the guilt win. If they really have a problem with what's happening they can actually say something about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,561 Posts
Not well. I wish that I were better at it.

it usually goes something similar to, "Hey, yeah, let's maybe go do such and such." Or, "Yeah, if you could come in on Sunday that would be greaaaaat."

Response? "No." As previously mentioned, it does not go well.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,444 Posts
I have zero tolerance or respect for passive aggressiveness I call it out immediately. That is if its something that effects me and I care enough like w/ gf, roommate, close friend...if I just witnesses it or its not appropriate to call out like at work I wouldn't call em out, just lose respect for that person. I hate bs
 

·
Birdie Borracho
Joined
·
9,380 Posts
Now that my Fe is fully develop, I roll with it. I inwardly crack up at their attempts, but I play the role well. That is a great way to influence people is to let others think they can appeal to you. Often times, passive aggressive talk is just cultural lingo. You can cognitively think it serves no purpose, but still match their tone.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
315 Posts
I personally like decisive people, because I am very indecisive. One thing that I am becoming more conscientious about is actual decision making; and being aware of the implications that indecisiveness bears on me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
656 Posts
I'm so brainwashed I think it's only females who play games/manipulate/generally mindfuck their SOs... but dudes seem to fool me every time. For a while, at least. Once I catch on, it's over. But still... I disappoint myself when I fall for it for so long.
A lot of women seem to think guys are innocent - like they're cute innocent puppy dogs or something and that it's women who are manipulative and mean. I really don't get it. I think it stems from seeing other women as competition which as a consequence sees guys as innocent and good. Maybe their only experience is with those clingy type guys and they think all guys are that way, LOL.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,838 Posts
I'm so oblivious that I haven't noticed until it's too late to call them on it.

Hopefully I'll get better at picking up on it so I can make social situations increasingly more awkward >:)
 

·
Registered
ILI
Joined
·
5,652 Posts
Really the only way to nip passive aggression in the bud is to confront it.

People are passive aggressive because they're too self-conscious or whatever to assert their desires/wishes/needs.

So to get them to stop resorting to the easy route, meet them half-way and force the mic into their hands.

"It looks to me like you don't want to go on this ride. What ride do you want to go on?"
"I'm fine. This ride is fine."
"Okay, then stop being a little bitch."

<3

or maybe

"It looks to me like you don't want to go on this ride. What ride do you want to go on?"
"Umm I would really like to go on kajsfdhkj if that's okay."
"Okay! I also wanted to go on that, so let's go on that."

<3
 
Joined
·
1,162 Posts
It seems that it's very dangerous for people like us to become attached to people who don't always say what they mean.

I'm so brainwashed I think it's only females who play games/manipulate/generally mindfuck their SOs... but dudes seem to fool me every time. For a while, at least. Once I catch on, it's over. But still... I disappoint myself when I fall for it for so long.

How do the rest of you handle passive aggression?
I don't. Or, really, what I do is I take EVERYTHING passive-aggressive people say at face value and ignore the resulting fits of sneaky misery and guilt tripping. It's really hard to play this game if the other person is totally oblivious to it.

I can't always get away from this with my in-laws (who are prone to martyred "helping") since some socialising is expected, but there I just tend to keep tabs on what I've done for them vs what they've done for me, and make sure I'm not owing any favours, as it were.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Polexia

·
Registered
INTJ 5w4 Sx/Sp
Joined
·
2,387 Posts
I think most NTs want open communications. We appreciate honesty and use it ourselves, and sometimes we mistakenly assume others expect this too. It's not really that we're bad at reading people, it's just a sort of wishful thinking and naïveté.

To deal with it we have to learn to spot the signs early on. I also agree with what emberfly said about compromises.
 
  • Like
Reactions: b3th

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,715 Posts
fuck compromise. If someone's gonna waste your time with a bullshit endurance test, fork them. #YOLO
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,168 Posts
Yep, I agree. My best friend is INFP and for a while she was very non-confrontational and passive aggressive. But over the years, I just kept being really honest with her. If she asked me "Did I do the right thing here?" and I thought she didn't I would say, "No, I think you should have done this." Or, "What do you think about my fiance?" "I hate the way he treats you, but I support your decision."

At first I could tell it pissed her off. But eventually, I think she really came to appreciate this type of honesty. I can tell that she doesn't ask me questions she doesn't want an honest answer to, but she does ask me for advice on a regular basis and asks me what I think about certain situations she's in. The best part, though, is that she has become a lot more direct and honest with me. I think she finds that kind of different and exciting and it has built a lot of extra trust into our friendship. I love her to pieces.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,325 Posts
I detest passive-aggressive behavior with every fiber of my being. It has to do mostly with my open impatience. Seeing the way through and being clear about it are ENTP strong points. Nothing worse than someone quietly sabotaging things because they are unwilling to speak up knowing the wrath or competence you will deliver. Cowards and useless weights. Sick of them, I am.

Enneagram 9s really bug me with this along with a few 6s. Combine that with a manipulative 2 and sparks are sure to fly. And the 9-2 seems pretty common, in women especially. Lotsa 9 men though and they just love to play that passive agressive foil to anyone that TRIES. Anyone with an IDEA. Anyone who take a RISK. Thrilling. Sniper couch potatoes, may they burn in hell!
 
  • Like
Reactions: Polexia

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,074 Posts
It seems that it's very dangerous for people like us to become attached to people who don't always say what they mean.

I'm so brainwashed I think it's only females who play games/manipulate/generally mindfuck their SOs... but dudes seem to fool me every time. For a while, at least. Once I catch on, it's over. But still... I disappoint myself when I fall for it for so long.

How do the rest of you handle passive aggression?
Amen!

I've decided somewhere in the beginning to let people know I respond to someone being straightforward with me.

I usually say something like "I'm not mean spirited or anything but I guess you could call me insensitive." And then I say "I guess that's why I like business because it is understood that everybody will full out make their own case".
And then I add that I am often quite accommodating or more reasonable than you might think.

BTW, I actually think someone is being a little full of themselves if they think I have nothing to do but vigilantly watch to decode THEIR moods.

If you can let all this out while it has not been an issue yet, it is surprising that people do think about how they are and what they want from a relationship.

But that means you have to have the guts to just walk away near the beginning sometimes too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
133 Posts
I detest passive-aggressive behavior with every fiber of my being. It has to do mostly with my open impatience. Seeing the way through and being clear about it are ENTP strong points. Nothing worse than someone quietly sabotaging things because they are unwilling to speak up knowing the wrath or competence you will deliver. Cowards and useless weights. Sick of them, I am!
Amen! I don't think these people are worth keeping around. I don't have the patience to navigate through their bullshit.

I burned bridges with an INFJ friend because she kept on cutting me off whenever she felt offended by something I did. She's very non-confrontational and ignores people until they figure out what they did wrong. It's sad because we shared so many great experiences together, but I can never sustain a relationship with someone who refuses to be open with me.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
8,464 Posts
Passive agression is the worst.
Part of the reason my closest friend is my closest friend is she's really blunt and honest with everything. The indirect complaining really wears on you.
I think the best thing to do is not reward it.
A while ago I was at a theme park with two friends. It went something like

Friend: So what should we do next?
Me: How about this ride?
They both clearly weren't that interested. But they didn't say that. They said
Other friend: It's up to you guys.
Friend: If you want to.

This had happened more than once, so I finally just got in line. They seemed unhappy about it and complained and said it was the worst ride of the day or whatever. But I didn't feel bad about making them go on it because I didn't make them go on it. If they wanted to skip it they should've just said so.

I don't know if anything can stop someone from being passive aggressive, but you don't have to give into it. Don't let the guilt win. If they really have a problem with what's happening they can actually say something about it.
I grew up with passive aggressive family members, and it drives me nuts!! So what I do is simply expose it to get to the bottom of the situation.

Taking the ride example, I'd say: "well neither of you seem overly enthusiastic about it, if you don't like the idea, just say so, no hard feelings, it's just a ride. Worse comes to worst, we can split."
 

·
Registered
IEE
Joined
·
6,559 Posts
God, I hate it. If you have a problem with me tell me. Directly. I need to know what problem is in order to fix it. I fucking hate it when I feel like our interactions are off but I don't know if this is something I've done or is it them. Just. Say. It.

Yep, I agree. My best friend is INFP and for a while she was very non-confrontational and passive aggressive. But over the years, I just kept being really honest with her. If she asked me "Did I do the right thing here?" and I thought she didn't I would say, "No, I think you should have done this." Or, "What do you think about my fiance?" "I hate the way he treats you, but I support your decision."

At first I could tell it pissed her off. But eventually, I think she really came to appreciate this type of honesty. I can tell that she doesn't ask me questions she doesn't want an honest answer to, but she does ask me for advice on a regular basis and asks me what I think about certain situations she's in. The best part, though, is that she has become a lot more direct and honest with me. I think she finds that kind of different and exciting and it has built a lot of extra trust into our friendship. I love her to pieces.
Haha, this is the approach I adopted with my INFP BFF. :laughing: She can get stuck on not being able to assert own opinion and leave me guessing so I just go with directness. Just directly question her when it happens.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Scarlet_Heart

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,186 Posts
I occasionally lose friends. Rare. But has happened.

Most of my passive-aggressive friends though, they know I have a good heart, so if I get firm with them about something they need to quit beating around the bush about, they take it in earnest.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,168 Posts
God, I hate it. If you have a problem with me tell me. Directly. I need to know what problem is in order to fix it. I fucking hate it when I feel like our interactions are off but I don't know if this is something I've done or is it them. Just. Say. It.

Haha, this is the approach I adopted with my INFP BFF. :laughing: She can get stuck on not being able to assert own opinion and leave me guessing so I just go with directness. Just directly question her when it happens.
I have literally said those exact words! I'll have a friend who's acting distant and I'll ask what's up. They'll give some short answer like "I'm fine." or "It's nothing." I hate when people expect you to just know what's in their head. What you might have said or done that could have come about a way you hadn't intended. And I eventually have to say, "Well, I can't fix it if you don't tell me. So either tell me or stop sulking."
 
  • Like
Reactions: Greyhart
1 - 20 of 25 Posts
Top