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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
(pleaseeee don't quote? I'd like to delete this later... I'm nervous about it being out there, on the internet, in da open)

Yeah, no. It's a relationship thing I'd really appreciate advice on, but something I don't feel that comfortable discussing with my friends (considering their bias views).

Maybe a stranger can provide a less clouded view?

I'm currently dating a friend; a friend who I've liked more than a friend for five years now. I really, genuinely, didn't believe that he liked me in the same way. When we found out over the summer, he did mention something about also having an 'active libido' (he speaks in an odd way, yes. Socially, he's an odd fellow at times) and about not being sure whether it was due to that (at least, that's what his message implied). Summer ends, and we see each other: he asks me out (but not before telling me about some other girl he developed feelings for over the summer and can no longer see). Explains that he's felt etc. for me during some times in the past, etc. That he didn't want to be with me just because he couldn't be with her, apparently. So that threw me off... but I said yes (after, like, half an hour of awkwardly not knowing whether to or not).

He lives about 2/3 hours away from me. His family is here. He was meant to move back over the summer, but didn't. He found his own place, which is great for him. I've seen him once since we've started going out (in October). We don't text much (he's not a texter). In his own way, I think he actually likes me. But I'm not sure. Why else bother with a long-distance thing? He keeps talking about wanting me to come over for NYE and said he was 'slightly offended' when I said I would come but not sleep over. He also invited his friend to the thing, so it's not like it's private.

Honestly... I'm not sure whether he'll move back. I'm not sure whether he knows that he will. A part of me honestly feels like he just wants to do it with me. A weird set-up of that one friend he's had forever but couldn't get with. Maybe he doesn't realize it himself. Yet at the same time, he wants it to be closed with me and for us to not see other people. But when you actually have feelings for someone... I can't really imagine a relationship looking like it does now.

I kind of have my own answer: go back to being friends/break it off. But was wondering whether... idk guys, if anyone had any advice/has been through something similar? After being in a relationship for 6 months where I didn't have strong feelings for the other person, I feel like this is some kind of karmic payback.

Thanks...
 
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All I can say is that it doesn't seem like much of a relationship if you barely even communicate. This situation seems like a casual friendship still, in purpose and practice. If you would like to keep it going, one of you should probably make more of an effort to go see the other. Good luck by the way.
 

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I guess the question is what do you want out of this relationship? What are your expectations and ideals for how it should be working towards? Because it seems implied that where it is at now ain't fitting that ideal. Which means things need to change or scrap it.

 

Few things stand out:

1. "a friend who I've liked more than a friend for five years now."
Which I take that you were interested in them romantically.
Which could have the potential for you to err on the side of a sunk cost fallacy, in that because you're 'in it' already and you've had such feelings for him a long time you may on that basis be more likely to press through because isn't it what you want.
Though of course the qualifier is that what you wanted isn't congruent with the imperfections of the reality.
But then, taking that your liking of them was an implicit sense of them not just being physically attractive but also a cool person you jive with, it could be that your disposition serves as a good guide.

2. Similar to the above, the "We don't text much (he's not a texter)."
Well fine, some people are a bit off the grid but then if you're living far apart then how do you intend to realize and sustain this relationship. It is a long distance thing, and generally in that case, its pressed that for intimacy one has to communicate.
Otherwise its confined to what time you can scrounge up to be at their place, unless they're also able and willing to visit you also.
I know in mine, I talked to my now wife almost every day for years, not everyone may talk that much but you do want a sense that they're clearly more integrated into your life more than your friends I think in that it more comfortably delineates that one is more important. Not that have to be at the expense of friends but often time spent with a partner is free time not with others unless they come along.


3. Not knowing him means we lack a lot of the implicit information you've developed over those years with him, so I tend to think when people come with issues sometimes things can seem more negative than they might be. But linking these:
- "When we found out over the summer, he did mention something about also having an 'active libido' (he speaks in an odd way, yes. Socially, he's an odd fellow at times) and about not being sure whether it was due to that (at least, that's what his message implied)."
- "He keeps talking about wanting me to come over for NYE and said he was 'slightly offended' when I said I would come but not sleep over."
- "A part of me honestly feels like he just wants to do it with me. A weird set-up of that one friend he's had forever but couldn't get with. Maybe he doesn't realize it himself."
You seem to already have a possible sense of whether he is driven by his own desire which isn't entirely inapt in itself, it's a real mover and shaker but the issue is whether it's fickle. People can be horny and loyal.
But I guess with the sleep over thing it now has the connotations of whether that means sleeping together when you're not that comfortable with that as of yet. But then as you mentioned a friend is there making it no private but then who knows what boundaries he's comfortable with if it's like going to a separate room or something.


4. On the plus side, taking it at face value, the not wanting to be with you just because he couldn't be with the other girl might be a positive sign in that he has some awareness and doesn't want to murky such things by having instantaneous just gone after you.



In the end, it sounds like for the relationship to build up going to have to be spending more time with one another in one form or another. Otherwise end up strangers too busy in their own lives perhaps, unless both are comfortable with less time together but able to sustain things. Perhaps by making those slices of time together special somehow.
Ultimately though, people can only give feedback, they can't give you the certainty you want out of ambiguity, the point being that we can try and be helpful but you may still feel similarly stuck as you do now because it feels like an uncomfortable decision to make one way or another.
 

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Discussion Starter #6 (Edited)
Holly jolly @Bellsy, that's a whole lotta textamundo and I really appreciate it. Owe you one, brother. Thanks all for the advice. @Grandmaster Yoda I'm staying home and watching TV now anyways with the set up, so what an easy transition that would be!

Side comment: he's actually on the autism spectrum (high functioning and not that outwardly noticeable) but sometimes I think that might be influencing things/making it more difficult for me to understand his intentions.

(and fuck. I've waited too long and now can't edit away the original post. Mod time... )
 

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because he tells you he has “feelings” for some other girl, doesn’t necessarily mean he has no greater interest in you, Feelings are temporary, and he probably sees it that way too.

I think he may have characteristics that you may find ideal in a partner, he doesn’t pressure you at all, he makes it clear that you’re not obliged or tied down, directly to him (that it’s your choice to be with him) .

I should be asking you the exact same question - why else bother with a long distance thing?

This contradicts the “he just wants to do it me” argument (Some form of paranoid thinking) , because then, why would he bother with a strictly asexual long distance thing?

You’re making a lot of assumptions about his behaviour (“is he just out to sleep with me?”) without any solid evidence.

Be aware of whether you like him or not, and separate it from the surrounding context. I would suggest voicing your concerns directly to him, because he might be the guy for you but you will never know unless you really tell him what you’re thinking and give him some time.

Door slams = heartbreak. And if you do that, then IDGAF what other people here say, that makes you a cruel person. You have to give a clear reason for why you want or don’t want to be with someone, other people deserve the truth, especially the people you love or care about.

everything else is not having the courage to own up to your own thoughts and feelings and leaving the other person hurt and confused.
 

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Holly jolly @Bellsy, that's a whole lotta textamundo and I really appreciate it. Owe you one, brother. Thanks all for the advice. @Grandmaster Yoda I'm staying home and watching TV now anyways with the set up, so what an easy transition that would be!

Side comment: he's actually on the autism spectrum (high functioning and not that outwardly noticeable) but sometimes I think that might be influencing things/making it more difficult for me to understand his intentions.

(and fuck. I've waited too long and now can't edit away the original post. Mod time... )
Exactly why he's weird. It would be like dating me in an awkward phase. I wish you could be comfortable with someone and make them sprout before it happens. It sounds like an awkward stage. You ever have friends where you start acting loud and ridiculous once you get to know them? No more restraints. Autism is a lot of restraints that really should be overcome in some form with some person.
 

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Exactly why he's weird. It would be like dating me in an awkward phase. I wish you could be comfortable with someone and make them sprout before it happens. It sounds like an awkward stage. You ever have friends where you start acting loud and ridiculous once you get to know them? No more restraints. Autism is a lot of restraints that really should be overcome in some form with some person.

Nothing wrong with weird, just another way of saying he’s different.

If you cut someone off for their mental illness, then you really, don’t deserve that person and you have proven to us all why exactly that is!
 

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Nothing wrong with weird, just another way of saying he’s different.

If you cut someone off for their mental illness, then you really, don’t deserve that person and you have proven to us all why exactly that is!
It seems to be standard practice for people to advise steering clear of the mentally ill. Though I think it depends on the illness. Autism is no reason to run away. Perhaps histrionic personality disorder is a reason to stay away. Many people do not feel the need parent those who have mental illnesses when they may have problems of their own. I notice with one depressed friend, I am expected to listen to her problems all day, but listening to my own problems was off-limits. Not quite so good. Though ever way, I was more joking in saying that man was weird. I wouldn't think that had nothing to do with why she enjoys him. There is some communication problem and in the awkward phase it seems like there would be.
 

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I don't see anything conclusively odd about his behavior in your post. I had to read it a few times to try to guess why you jumped to the conclusion that you should end it. and I'm actually still not sure why you would end it unless there's something more that you're not telling us. My best guess was... you want him to live closer? So why not ask him about that? He might have had good reasons for staying where he is.

you jumping to the conclusion that you should end it kind of reminds me of an ENTP ex I had...he talked about ending a relationship every time he didn't feel like "Everything Is Awesome!" I'm not even exaggerating...that was always his first thought just bypassing problem solving and jumping straight to the thought of ending it.

you have to be careful if your mind works like that. eventually the only answer to that kind of behavior is "ok" - no one likes to feel like they're with someone who might bolt at any moment. jumping to the conclusion that relationship should end becomes self-fulfilling in a way even if the relationship wouldn't have ended otherwise.

In other news, you sound Fe and he sounds Fi. maybe get used to asking him how he feels instead of expecting his behavior to advertise it broadly.
 

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You've liked him for a while, but why? Enjoy my vague advice: -You can like people a lot, but liking them isn't enough to be in a healthy relationship with them. You still have things that you need, too. -People can't be fixed by others; they must fix themselves, since they are the only ones that can want to improve.
 
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It seems to be standard practice for people to advise steering clear of the mentally ill. Though I think it depends on the illness. Autism is no reason to run away. Perhaps histrionic personality disorder is a reason to stay away. Many people do not feel the need parent those who have mental illnesses when they may have problems of their own. I notice with one depressed friend, I am expected to listen to her problems all day, but listening to my own problems was off-limits. Not quite so good. Though ever way, I was more joking in saying that man was weird. I wouldn't think that had nothing to do with why she enjoys him. There is some communication problem and in the awkward phase it seems like there would be.

i have a lot of respect for you @Grandmaster Yoda, and I think you’re a smart guy but taking this issue seriously...

do you really think that cutting someone off, after having had romantic experiences and a relationship with them, (no warnings, nothing), is acceptable and “okay” behaviour? What if this happened to you?
 

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i have a lot of respect for you @Grandmaster Yoda, and I think you’re a smart guy but taking this issue seriously...

do you really think that cutting someone off, after having had romantic experiences and a relationship with them, (no warnings, nothing), is acceptable and “okay” behaviour? What if this happened to you?
Why, of course it is appropriate to inform that person. It would be quite devastating to cut someone off without telling them. What if they found out?

Though in this case, I don't sense stability nor comfort. I sense confusion and awkwardness. You never want to drag something out if it doesn't seem right. There needs to be that communication. Perhaps no one will be cut off then. Based on what was stated here, it does seem like a weak or confused relationship. There is no need to sit on this one, the communication must occur. It seems very uncomfortable to continue in its current state. Communication may result in a break or it may result in improvement or it may leave things the same. Unsuccessful is the same.
 

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Discussion Starter #15 (Edited)
Why, of course it is appropriate to inform that person. It would be quite devastating to cut someone off without telling them. What if they found out?

Though in this case, I don't sense stability nor comfort. I sense confusion and awkwardness. You never want to drag something out if it doesn't seem right. There needs to be that communication. Perhaps no one will be cut off then. Based on what was stated here, it does seem like a weak or confused relationship. There is no need to sit on this one, the communication must occur. It seems very uncomfortable to continue in its current state. Communication may result in a break or it may result in improvement or it may leave things the same. Unsuccessful is the same.
Bingo, yes.

And I would never just cut someone off without communication- was this even implied anywhere? I'm not sure why people are fixating on this XD. This was never in question and would clearly be a terrible thing to do. Nor am I the type of person to just bolt at any moment, let alone on someone I've liked for five years. Long distance with just about no communication isn't exactly a minor thing, I'd think. In anything, I think I tend to have the opposite problem (staying when I should actually leave). So yes, I'll discuss the concerns, see what he has to say. But I'm pretty comfortable with the fact that this is not the type of setup/the type of relationship that I am looking for, if it continues like this. It would be unfair to both of us to continue as is considering that.

I don't believe that going back to being just friends will be a problem in this case, if it comes to that (or uncomfortable for him. I've known him for five years and he has gone back to being friends with a previous ex with little problems. Logic tends to rule in his case, when it comes to things like that).
 

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Bingo, yes.

And I would never just cut someone off without communication- was this even implied anywhere? I'm not sure why people are fixating on this XD. This was never in question and would clearly be a terrible thing to do. Nor am I the type of person to just bolt at any moment, let alone on someone I've liked for five years. Long distance with just about no communication isn't exactly a minor thing, I'd think. In anything, I think I tend to have the opposite problem (staying when I should actually leave). So yes, I'll discuss the concerns, see what he has to say. But I'm pretty comfortable with the fact that this is not the type of setup/the type of relationship that I am looking for, if it continues like this. It would be unfair to both of us to continue as is considering that.

I don't believe that going back to being just friends will be a problem in this case, if it comes to that (or uncomfortable for him. I've known him for five years and he has gone back to being friends with a previous ex with little problems. Logic tends to rule in his case, when it comes to things like that).
When you are finished, you may join me in the village. I am conducting experiments.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
When you are finished, you may join me in the village. I am conducting experiments.
Village experiments sound promising. That could mean many things. Otherwise, I'll spend the next month brooding in forests with nothing but my flaming mind and inappropriate devastation as I dramatically brain-blast the music of potentially having missed out on the love of my life and juggling the idea of nobody being able to quite understand me ever the same and warming up to hermit living or buying many cockatoos. I'm exaggerating, but am I?
 
I am
 
I'm probably not
 
But did it happen if nobody was there to witness it?
 
Not when I'm alone in the forest
 
not when I'm...
 


Anyways, thanks again guys. Might or might not update this after I talk to him.
 

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I don't immediately see a reason to doubt that he likes you in some capacity. You mentioned not being able to see a relationship being like yours if someone really likes you - but I think that could be as much your issue as his. People have all sorts of crazy ways of loving each other. For a long time I believed something was terrifically wrong because my SO (on the spectrum) wouldn't often tell me he loved me, and eventually I would grow desperate and prod him about it. Then one day he was like, I'm happy to tell you again, but I don't repeat it frequently because I've already told you and it's stayed the same. Do you have a reason to believe that it may have suddenly changed?

So I guess the question that occurs to me is, are you comfortable the way things are going? Slow, quiet, distant. Is the reason you're posting here because you're unsatisfied with the relationship as it is now, or is it more that you're concerned there's not really a relationship, just the appearance of one? Also... he may want to sleep with you, but that doesn't seem either here or there. He doesn't appear to be attempting to coerce you into it even if he does want to. So my conclusions are: if you're unsatisfied - seek less or more; if you're concerned the relationship doesn't really exist - talk to him at New Year's.
 

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And I would never just cut someone off without communication- was this even implied anywhere? I'm not sure why people are fixating on this XD. This was never in question and would clearly be a terrible thing to do. Nor am I the type of person to just bolt at any moment

I kind of have my own answer: go back to being friends/break it off.
.
 
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