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Discussion Starter #1
There are folks that need this stuff, and feel rejected by a partner who doesn't want this. They feel it's as though you are ashamed of your relationship with them.
Then there are folks that feel repelled by it, find it tawdry/vulgar, and sort of cheapens intimacy and creates an awkward situation with the folks on the viewing end.


I'm part of the latter group, currently at an impasse with someone of the former group. I find it incredibly cringeworthy to watch others do this, and don't want to put others through it. And I don't know if my reticence is justified, or if it just my mind acting up from past issues with intimacy.

Could use some outside perspective.
 
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I confess that I like to be affectionate anywhere, any time. But I do realize it's kind of dumb and inappropriate in public.

Just insist. Tell the person you need to save it until you get home (or wherever). If he can't comply, don't go anywhere with him.
 

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It's probably the minority that lay on the extreme sides of the spectrum (assuming you're talking about public displays of affection--idk what PITA is).

I dated an ESFJ and it really just depended on context, though I can see how for some people it could be like a hard fast rule--we must always do XYZ in public to show people we are in a secure relationship etc. no matter what. That to me sounds a bit tiring.

But PDA swung back and forth for both of us.

In the beginning of the relationship I put my arm around him at a party and he was like "woah" because according to him that meant "telling people we were in a relationship" or "announcing it."

I was pissed off because we had already done that sort of thing in private and fuck you if you want me to act some certain way to not "tell people" shit through body language. We didn't end up working out, partially because how differently both of us viewed the purpose of socializing (for me it's just exchanging info usually, for him it's much more complex and about relationships with everyone in the surrounding environment). Imo this was a red flag incident, but I was young and stupid and it only happened once. Once we started dating it was the opposite.

But other times I've gotten upset at ignoring requests for reassurance--like when an ex ESFP was visiting with his ex-girlfriend and I was going to meet her as well he wouldn't hold my hand. And again--fuck that--just because someone's around now we can't hold hands?

Anyway, I feel like I am more in between--I don't want to make some big show but in some situations it is more important than others. I would prefer to just communicate about why it's important or unwanted. And to clarify that it's not to "hide" the relationship nor is it to "show it off."

I feel like being affectionate in public because I FEEL like it--not because it's supposed to be some grand social statement. But then, in the case where my ex wouldn't hold my hand while meeting his ex-girlfriend or wouldn't hug me in greeting when around an ex (but then did other times) it felt rude and dismissive to me. I mean I get it, but at that point if you actually prioritize your relationship you should be prioritizing the feelings of your current partner above unreasonable feelings of exes (he claimed he felt like it was rude to an ex or some stupid shit). Again--we ended up separating because we also had really different ways of approaching relationships--I like to be completely over people in the past and completely available to new partners, whereas he kept on pining over some distant love (that wasn't even one of these exes) and finally I was just over it--I don't understand that. To me if something's done it's done. If it's not its not. I don't pine over past exes while in a relationship with someone else--that seems disrespectful to my partner and mostly myself. So this behavior also was part of a larger pattern that showed our incompatibility.

But in general, I don't like really extreme pda--I don't like pda for the sake of pda unless it's something like a hand squeeze of reassurance in a tense or awkward situation (like say another person--a past ex is trying to flirt with your partner in front of you). That is helpful but it's less of a "pda" and more of a private intimate exchange that isn't obvious. I would feel weird and cheezy if the display was meant to be showed off to everyone, unless it was just some simple "we're in a relationship" gesture. But I don't want to be hanging all over someone all night or holding their hand all the time. And tbh I definitely dislike when men slap my ass in front of other men or anything like that--ew.

tldr I don't really consider myself someone who likes a lot of PDA but there are times when I feel avoiding any sign of being in a romantic relationship is "hiding" it or neglecting my feelings (and I'm not okay with that).

And there are also times when I feel annoyed by an expectation to perform (either way) for other people, rather than being able to focus on what kind of info I want to exchange with them (usually about things that are interesting to me--not some weird relationship performance, except for once if someone NEEDS to know (like your fucking obnoxious ex who just learned "belly dancing" and just got out of a bad relationship and "needs support" by belly dancing in front of you and beckoning for you to dance with her--is it really that fucking hard to give a hand squeeze or say "this is my girlfriend?" No fuckface--and this is why I'm happy I'm single))
 

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There are folks that need this stuff, and feel rejected by a partner who doesn't want this. They feel it's as though you are ashamed of your relationship with them.
Then there are folks that feel repelled by it, find it tawdry/vulgar, and sort of cheapens intimacy and creates an awkward situation with the folks on the viewing end.


I'm part of the latter group, currently at an impasse with someone of the former group. I find it incredibly cringeworthy to watch others do this, and don't want to put others through it. And I don't know if my reticence is justified, or if it just my mind acting up from past issues with intimacy.

Could use some outside perspective.
A peck on the lips/cheek, holding hands, holding each other, sitting close with arms around each other, is one thing.

Performing a tonsillectomy and dry humping (or worse) in public, is entirely unnecessary. It is the kind of thing teenagers do, not adults.
 
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Your intimacy is not a social currency and the public has nothing to do with your relationship. I don't know if it's a breakdown in communication or if your partner is insecure.

Personally, I'm open to PDA as long as it's not sexual and it doesn't draw too much attention. By this I mean, the display is for my woman, and we just happen to be in public as opposed to doing it for the public to see.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
It's a necessary evil. Intimacy isn't a social currency but it seems PDA acts as a proof of commitment.

And yes you could argue needing it stems from insecurity, just like you could argue frowning upon it also does.

I just caved in. There are worthier hills to die on and his requirements were really tame
 

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There are folks that need this stuff, and feel rejected by a partner who doesn't want this. They feel it's as though you are ashamed of your relationship with them.
Then there are folks that feel repelled by it, find it tawdry/vulgar, and sort of cheapens intimacy and creates an awkward situation with the folks on the viewing end.


I'm part of the latter group, currently at an impasse with someone of the former group. I find it incredibly cringeworthy to watch others do this, and don't want to put others through it. And I don't know if my reticence is justified, or if it just my mind acting up from past issues with intimacy.

Could use some outside perspective.
I'm fine either way. This isn't something I spend a lot of time thinking about. In public or not in public, it won't make any difference to me. I don't care if other people kiss or whatever in public especially either. I might recommend not on a playground and if you make a mess, clean up.
 

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There's a time and a place for everything. Excessive PDA has always struck me the wrong way. Anything in excess, really. And especially PDA. It tells me the relationship I have with my partner isn't as deep.

Holding hands in public, a peck on the cheek is sweet. Leaning on the shoulder expresses companionship.

Tornado tonging in public, or walking from behind holding your partner's waist groining (doggystyle walking) is not only uncomfortable to watch in public, it is degrading (especially around kids like at amusement parks).
 

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There's only one good kind of PDA.

It's the kind where you're in public but you find a cute way to do it in secret, like stealing a quick kiss in the supermarket when there's nobody else there. That kind of thing. Sweetest thing ever.

All other PDA can jump in the sea.
 
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