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Discussion Starter #1
I was reading old threads about INFP's romantic experience, and many of the stories mentioned how the INFP's significant other turn out to have some real issues with family/drugs/emotional etc, but the INFP stays because he/she wants to heal the said s.o.

Honestly I'm a bit surprised about this. I think in the past I have fantasized about having a romantic partner like that. But I have realized in recent years that if in real life I've just met someone and glimpse a sign of him having issues, I will either run right away or at best put him in the friend zone. I don't think there was a time when I "ignore" the red flags. (Maybe that's why I still don't have a boyfriend lol).

I mean, I keep hearing about INFPs being flighty, but also about being loyal or healing despite pretty bad circumstances. What do you think about that? Are you more likely to run or give people a chance?
 

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Nothing to add besides a few questions.

Do you think people 'drop people like a hot brick' when unhealthy fearing they may be similar or unable to cope most commonly?

Do you feel INFx types may be more prone to 'fixing loved ones' as a means of repairing themselves too (or at least adding perspective to their own issues)?
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Nothing to add besides a few questions.

Do you think people 'drop people like a hot brick' when unhealthy fearing they may be similar or unable to cope most commonly?

Do you feel INFx types may be more prone to 'fixing loved ones' as a means of repairing themselves too (or at least adding perspective to their own issues)?
1. That could also be true. But I think when people are faced with something they find threatening, it's either fight or flight. Maybe some people are even more likely to run when they are unhealthy themselves. But I think are also people who become more likely to "fight" when they are unhealthy.

2. Hmm on second thoughts, I don't know how to answer that. Which is why I made this thread. As for my own experience, there had been times when I think I did that. But there were also times when I chose not to do that, so I guess I wasn't compelled enough to do it.
 

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1. That could also be true. But I think when people are faced with something they find threatening, it's either fight or flight. Maybe some people are even more likely to run when they are unhealthy themselves. But I think are also people who become more likely to "fight" when they are unhealthy.

2. Hmm on second thoughts, I don't know how to answer that. Which is why I made this thread. As for my own experience, there had been times when I think I did that. But there were also times when I chose not to do that, so I guess I wasn't compelled enough to do it.
Fear of codependency perhaps or collusion in unspoken 'you fix me, I'll fix you' versus what's in it for me when you may just leave when better?
 

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Do you feel INFx types may be more prone to 'fixing loved ones' as a means of repairing themselves too (or at least adding perspective to their own issues)?
I think that can be true in a lot of cases, although whether it's an INFx trait or something more universal, I'm not sure. I've always questioned the existence of true altruism mind, so maybe I'm just being overly cynical :rolleyes:
 

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I think that can be true in a lot of cases, although whether it's an INFx trait or something more universal, I'm not sure. I've always questioned the existence of true altruism mind, so maybe I'm just being overly cynical :rolleyes:
Perhaps the question is not a case of 'pure altruism' but rather a fear of not receiving unconditional love without 'needing to give something first' (as is so common in 'what's in in for me' lifestyles of today?) ? *notes Real Love by Greg Baer*
 

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At this point, yes, I run. The slightest red flag, and I'm outta there.

But when I was younger, dysfunctional people were extremely appealing. The only person I was ever in love with was an extremely unhealthy ENTP, probably with severe mental health problems. But all I ever wanted was to help him. (Oh the longing! :blushed: lol, so emo! I thought I was a type 4 at the time too. :p) Obviously, there is almost nothing I could have done, but the longing to help heal was strong. I also had a thing for lonely fictional characters that needed help (Wolverine from the first X-Men movie, Edward Rochester from Jane Eyre).

Then, long past teenagerdom, I was susceptible to the ploys of an emotionally abusive partner who trapped me in a relationship with him for 3 years. I couldn't leave because of the pain and problems it would cause him (also, I'm dumb).

So after all that? Yeah, I run away. I can't be the person to fix your problems. I can't be the person to make you whole. You are the only one who can do that.
 

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People with issues: I don't even hook up with in the first place. I'm healthy, I deserve a partner who is healthy. I can say husband is healthy, thank god, but I really think I'm a good judge of character right from the beginning. From the beginning of a friendship or a marriage I scan for issues.
 

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I do kind of fantasise about finding someone in a bad place in life and holding them until they feel better and helping put their lives back together. Really, though, I doubt I'm that naive; I'll put up with someone with the same kind and level of problems I have, but I'll hold myself back from anyone not reasonably forward-thinking and making some attempt to help themselves. I'll stay away from the destroyed lives and basket cases; I can't help those people and pursue a deep relationship. I guess vulnerable people will always hold a little attraction though, it's just who I am, I think. But by and large I will look for healthy relationships. Like I said, I doubt I'm that naive. I have my red flags and it's a respectable list.

I do just want to hold someone while they're crying, though... :unsure:
 

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I think that I didn't look out for warning signs when I was younger and got burned. I genuinely believed people without questioning them, because I don't lie about myself. Sometimes when you find out flaws when you're already emotionally invested it is very hard to leave.

I even went as far as to pay for an ex-boyfriend to go to therapy when I was 19. Silly. Now I run at the first sign of crazy.
 

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It's a double edged sword for me. I am intrigued by people with "issues" and something in my gut makes me really want to talk to them and see what their life is all about. But I don't want to be responsible for them, which could end up happening if I get too sucked in and they are particularly needy. I have been in the situation where someone was incredibly needy with me and played mind games and stuff. He was a ticking time bomb. I got through it and somehow managed to help him get his life on track, back out gracefully and now we are still friends but only see each other once every few weeks instead of texting each other 200+ times a day. It was very difficult at the time, and I would never want to go through it again. But I am proud of him and happy that it turned out so well. I feel like I did what I wanted to do for him, and it worked out. Isn't that what therapists do? I felt like a therapist. I basically was his therapist. And now he doesn't need me because his life is back on track.

Wouldn't do it again though unless I was very bored and needed a big shakeup in my life. Because that's what inevitably happens.
 

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If I do it's because I think there is still hope or there is potential that is waiting to be tapped into. Or because of fear. Luckily I find those sorts of situations full of excess drama that I don't need in my life right now. I have been guilty of being too forgiving at times and giving some people who weren't worth it too many chances.
 

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It's a double edged sword for me. I am intrigued by people with "issues" and something in my gut makes me really want to talk to them and see what their life is all about. But I don't want to be responsible for them, which could end up happening if I get too sucked in and they are particularly needy. I have been in the situation where someone was incredibly needy with me and played mind games and stuff. He was a ticking time bomb. I got through it and somehow managed to help him get his life on track, back out gracefully and now we are still friends but only see each other once every few weeks instead of texting each other 200+ times a day. It was very difficult at the time, and I would never want to go through it again. But I am proud of him and happy that it turned out so well. I feel like I did what I wanted to do for him, and it worked out. Isn't that what therapists do? I felt like a therapist. I basically was his therapist. And now he doesn't need me because his life is back on track.

Wouldn't do it again though unless I was very bored and needed a big shakeup in my life. Because that's what inevitably happens.
That's like a really good thing to do in a way though because you helped provide him the tools needed for him to get his life on track again although the hassle of all of it might have been too much to have to deal with, at least something good came out of it. :happy:
 

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For some reason, I have always been attracted to people with problems. I want to help them, comfort them, and to become close to them through this hole in their heart. I see it as a weakness and as a beauty.
 

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I guess it depends on the issues.

SO has depression, but as do I. (Which was diagnosed as PTSD later on in the relationship.) SO had a bad childhood. I did, too. SO and father have a terrible relationship for the most part. Again, same.

Most of the people closest to me have issues of some sort, one of my closest friends harms themselves.

I was with a guy who was like 17 and started flirting with his 12 year old sister's friend (same age). She initiated, he reciprocated and thought I was overreacting, dismissed me when I asked him to stop. Nope'd it the fuck out and have not fucking looked back.
 

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This could be cynical of me, but nowadays who doesn't have problems of some sort? Obviously some people have more than others, but to some extent you have to be willing to accept people as they are. You can show people a door, but they have to walk through it.
 

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Hahaha, so it's not just me then?

I'm attracted to people with problems before I even know they have problems. This is usually because they've got something decent to say and stand out from the crowd of shallow people. They're usually more challenging to me and I find I can learn a lot about myself from them.

In saying that though, I've gotten myself into some pretty dangerous situations with guys who've tried to control me. This has ended with an intervention order against one ex, and a sexual assault from another.

I think that it was a good wake up call and since then I've learned that the most compassionate way to help someone is not to carry their load for them, but to hold their hand through it.

Now I'm still attracted to people with problems, but I prefer people that have already solved their own problems or are willing to do so independently. And hey, if I'm there to hold their hand through a hard time that's a bonus!

I'll run a mile if someone thinks I should be responsible for their happiness though.
 

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I attract the damaged and broken like flies. I don't know what it is, I don't intentionally seek them out they just have a way of getting attached to me.

I've had my being ripped to shreds by people who I've helped through problems, and these are not small issues either like serious years of therapy needed type issues. It saddens me that in all the cases of this in the past I was younger than all of them.
Some almost a decade older than me, and I was helping them.

To be fair I never really went out of my way, its just something about me that they found comfort in. Regrettably I've not been able to maintain a single past relationship where I have dealt with the bulk of the other persons problems.

Am I attracted to people with problems? I don't like to think so. My past has taught me though that the people I've been attracted to have always had quite a few issues. So who knows maybe I unconsciously seek them out.
 

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I really don't think I am attracted to people with problems at all, after the one I have dealt with. This has lead me to be extremely cautious about who I get close to; looking for a ton of warning signs. I think people believing they can 'fix' people/be the other's only source of happiness are setting themselves up for a huge disaster. It can get dangerous.

They can take advantage of you, chase you down, and try to control you. Treat you like complete garbage while still expecting you to help them. When this happens, I cut it off instantly.

However, if the person understands the only way to true 'health' is in their hands, not mine, then I will be more than happy to cheer them on in terms of getting there.
 
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