Personality Cafe banner
1 - 5 of 5 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am not an Enneagram-novice. I have been actively involved with the Enneagram and have devoured a variety of Enneagram literature. This thread is not a request for references from reading. Although, some references may (naturally) be beneficial to include as supporting points.

I am asking for information on a personal level. Whether it is in regards to yourself or your contact with another. I would like to receive experiences with fixated Social Nines (romantic, platonic, professional), as well as self-report from Social Nines reflecting on matters tied to fixation.

To elaborate further- observations of the attitude and approach to life, as per Social Nine. The more specific subject matter can be determined by whatever you found most clear or distinguishing (ex. changes in communication). Feel free to discuss in length- as personal (or private), as you prefer.

Response is inherently appreciated.
 

·
MOTM Nov 2012
Joined
·
3,867 Posts
As a 9 I hate how open ended your question is :unsure:

As is a fixation it's all the ways that it feels out of balance that come to mind when talking about it, there are plenty of aspects I consider great such as my innate ability to get social situations and not be awkward, to play the required social political game to get what I want, however because they are so natural for me I don't compare them with anything in order to really value them.

So I focus on the things that aren't ideal:
- If I feel dismissed/ignored my way of dealing with it is to go silent when I really want to be heard, I want people to notice yet the internal debate with my 9 tells me I don't matter, so why bother.
- I have a preoccupation for 'belonging' yet find it to be an unsustainable need to meet, I never manage to hold onto the moments where I do feel connection with a group.
- I enjoy sociability however due to the lack of feeling like I belong I frequently push everyone away and seek solitude.
- I'm terrible with maintaining connection with people, I can play the social game and people like me easily, however I second guess if I would bother people by reaching out, if I would eventually annoy them with how often I need to withdraw into my own space, and the internal debate gets negative very quickly so I rarely try. There are other reasons here as well, but they're more about 9 than So I think.
- If I don't stop and check myself, I default to thinking I need to earn my place in a team/group by doing more than others, I take on additional responsibilities and can be a workaholic, I don't want to be in charge of everything, at least not for too long, and I also don't want attention drawn to my efforts, it's all simply about causing myself to feel I belong.
- I find it super hard to show pain, I also struggle with displays of negative emotions in general, I would rather remove myself from people than show them.
- I don't take action to be included, and I am typically hard to bother, but being excluded can hurt me.
- All of the above means outwardly I am likable and easy to get along with, however I keep a lot to myself and am difficult to get to know and therefore I cause most of the inbalance by pushing and pulling between social and a-social.

If you're looking for something specific, explain.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
104 Posts
A very 9ish 4 So/Sx here, I'll jump in to up participation.

I tend to be very shy and don't make an effort to develop friendships with people unless they reach out to me first. If someone wants to be my friend I'll typically hang out with anyone, unless I find that we are VERY dissimilar or that they are very unhealthy. I've really only had this issue once, with a very needy and shallow person who abused drugs and constantly cheated on her boyfriend. Eventually I just stopped talking to her, but only after she hurt me. Other people seem to be much more socially adept when it comes to not attracting types they don't want to be friends with. I'm just too "nice", and it's harder for me to cut people out.

Romantically, I never open up first. I play it very close to the chest and I want a mate who needs me more than I need them. It's a layer of security, I don't want to be rejected or have to second guess my partner's feelings for me. In my last relationship, this did me very wrong as my ex was an unhealthy, abusive 6w5 who would not let me leave him. My current relationship is with a 3w4 who is also very 9ish, and this strategy seems to be working well with him. I've never felt the need to prove myself in relationships or better myself for the person I'm with in order to keep them, though I may try to better myself to be admirable to my partner (not sure if this is a 4 trait or not, though).

I'm prone to listlessness and inaction, and the longer I'm inactive the more stuck I get. Take right now, for example. I haven't moved from the couch in 8 hours. I haven't eaten or showered. I can't decide what to do or even why I should do it, so I do nothing. If someone told me what to do I could do it. In fact, I find it hard to do anything if I don't have a specific goal in mind, even when I KNOW getting off the couch and doing something will make me feel better. I need to have a tangible reason to do it. Some people seem to do their daily routines as if on autopilot, they can just get up and know this is what they have to do. For me, it's just not that way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,095 Posts
This is the best thread ever!! Thank you! :D

Well.. anyway then. :)

I tend to make friends with groups, rather than with people. When I enter a new place, I'm highly aware of all the groups around me, and make sure to get in on one of them. I feel the need to belong to a group, because without it I feel lost and panicky and feel like I'm nobody. Once part of a group, I usually make really close friends with maybe one or two people in that group, but usually not more than that. I'll go for years being part of a certain group, but only feeling comfortable hanging out one-on-one with a few people in that group.

I don't feel a huge, driving need to have an intimate partner (I'm sx-middle), though when I did have one, it worked out great. Overall, I'd rather have a partner than not, but it's also not my biggest concern in life. My biggest concern is COMMUNITY. I cannot live without a good community around me. Without a strong community, I start feeling depressed and lost. Being in the center of a great community feels amazing because it feels like being at the center of the world.

I LOVE being at the center of things. I love the feeling of things going on around me. In college, I always kept my dorm room door open while I was in there working, so I could hear peoples' conversations in the hallway, (haha), or have a brief conversation with somebody, or so I would know right away if something was going on. Really, though, I preferred to not sit in my dorm room at all, but instead do my work in the crowded campus center, so I'd be right there if something was going on, and I could chitchat with whoever would walk by.

I'm really awkward about intimacy. I've never felt a strong need for it... it doesn't occur to me to really express my emotions, so I don't end up feeling intimate with many of my friends. I like to portray myself as "tough".... its really hard for me to reveal vulnerabilities. I'm realizing now that being vulnerable is what makes people love you and trust you. I'm working on that.....

I'm a really good leader, but I dont really care about being a leader. i.e. I dont want to be a leader just for the sake of being a leader. I dont care about being important. But, there are a lot of times when I'm in a group, and I'll notice theres a vacuum of leadership, i.e. people are all trying to decide something, but nobody's in charge, so everyone's just wandering around going "uhh what should we do idk" and in those situations, i feel a strong urge to take control. Which I do. Because somebody has to, clearly. I'm just like "OK everybody we need to work together!!!" And then I'll just start acting as organizer of the group, making people raise their hands, calling on people, making pro/con lists, marshalling everyone's opinions, etc.
In these situations, I'm highly aware of everyone around me, and their different opinions, energies, forces, etc. I feel as if I'm picking up radio signals about what everyone in the group wants. I'll listen to everyone, then I'll be like "Ok so to sum it up, this is what everybody thinks..." And I'll pick a solution that works the best for everybody.

To address the social anxiety part, I definitely have had extreme social anxiety (especially in high school and college). Now its a lot less. I used to be EXTREMELY self-conscious and awkward-feeling in new situations. If I feel really comfortable socially, I can be very talkative and expressive. But if I don't feel comfortable, I can feel extremely stuck, where no option seems plausible, and I just have to get out of the situation.
Sometimes socializing just feels like the biggest burden of all. Sometimes it just makes me extremely tired. I just feel this mental, emotional, almost physical exhaustion because of it. I think its because I'm so used to be so incredibly, inescapably anxiously analytical about every little thing, I just cant relax about it. And I spend hours analyzing HOW I socialize, trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong, and how to improve. Its in moments like those when I tell myself... JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!!! And then I feel this blissful peace. I realize that socializing really does happen to the best when I dont think about it. It was the most glorious thing to realize.... its something I have to remind myself a lot.... but it always makes me feel amazing. I try to think back to when I was a kid and I just expressed myself freely, without any worry, and I feel so alienated from who I was then. So I'm trying to get back to that.....
 
1 - 5 of 5 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top