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1.) Is there something that you've always wanted to do or have been interested in? Broadly, specifically, a journey, creation, vocation, etc?

I would always wanted to go and explore the world. Going to see new places, finding out new sites and trying new foods ;)
Then after my phobia of flights, I started to interact with children. They started to tell me their secrets and I would try my best to help them. I'd realize that this was my job and I dreamed it ever since.

2.) How did this show up in your childhood?

Oh because my parents weren't exactly allowing to do what I want to do so much, I didn't show my true self. My books were my fantasy, my only place to escape.


3.) Has anything/one served as an impetus in helping you to get started? Blessings in disguise, synchronicity, motivation, bizarre occurrences, revelations, etc?

My aunt was the first to come through and she was the one who taught me manners and that everything was going to be okay. My grandma was then the one who told me that I should do what I want to do no matter what anyone says. Then my friends came along and helped me start getting better with my life problems.
They were the start of allowing to be me :)

4.) What steps have you taken along your path?

I'm not old enough to start my major but I constantly interact with children :)

5.) Doubts. Nagging, pesky doubts. Do you have them?

Stupid doubts... Worst than pests.
-Not being able to do what I want in my life
-not being independent
-being lonely
(It seems like typical doubts to me at least)
 

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Discussion Starter · #42 ·
My aunt was the first to come through and she was the one who taught me manners and that everything was going to be okay. My grandma was then the one who told me that I should do what I want to do no matter what anyone says. Then my friends came along and helped me start getting better with my life problems.
They were the start of allowing to be me :)
Very lucky, and admirable quest. Good (additional) luck :)
 

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Bwahaha, the phoenix rises out of the ashes! Where one story ends, a new one starts. New beginnings... what a seductive thought—terrifying and wonderful at the same time.

@Veggie I'm just going to unleash 7 fix. I have no idea where this is going, muahaha, but the Divine Plan will out.

[edit: this is not really an edit, but I'm taking a leaf out of your book and going to press submit and be done with it... one proofread, then I accept the flaws and submit... WABI-SABI]

edit
: Well, I failed that challenge completely... had to clarify some shit. Grrrr....

(Fe and I have been undergoing a trial separation. We haven't divided furniture yet, but she's at her parents and she's not returning my calls...at least the disintegration of an id type is entertaining, right? :p Just stay out of the crossfire, lol)
And who gets custody of the kitty? :kitteh:

I've been more confrontational on here the past week or so, even if I have been picking my battles and my words carefully. I'm starting to accept 1w9. Naranjo describes 7 as the "Narcissistic Personality" and I'm inclined to agree. But he makes a distinction between Narcissism (7) and Vanity (3):

Narcissism (type 7)
: "I'm inherently awesome and I don't need anyone to tell me otherwise (internal validation... the world revolves around me)." (Abject stereotype: The chatterbox who's completely oblivious to how annoying he can be (YES, I have been that person, lol)."

Vanity (type 3): "
I've manufactured my awesomeness and love selling that image to others (external validation... Peasants: Love the persona I've created! Love the shit I have accomplished! Love me for this image I am marketing! The Evil Queen from Snow White is probably a 3w4 sp/so)." (Abject stereotype: Queen bitch who dolls herself up as a way of measuring up to others'/society's standards.)

I think I'm a closet narcissist, lol. Nah, not really... but I think it balances out the 4w5's tentative shame-fixation rather nicely. It's weird, but I think of my tritype like this dysfunctional family of my psyche. 4w5 is just the shy, nervous one that wants to be loved and accepted, 7w6 just wants to cut loose in a jovial ball of joy joy joy, and 1w9 is the responsible sibling that keeps them in line. But all enneatypes learn from each other... and that's what life's about, really: Interconnectivity both inter-personally with your fellow man and intra-personally between the facets of your psyche. If I may be so narcissistic as to quote myself for a bit from the most attractive enneagram thread:

 
If you eliminate all 4s from the world, you've destroyed a vital lynchpin in our society—all enneatypes are important. The "point" of the whole theory is that each type gives something valuable to society; it's decentralized. No type is "better" than another or "deserves" to live their life more than another. The whole point is the interconnectivity and cherishing of each person's individuality and uniqueness. We must cherish diversity and our differences because it's how we learn from others. If everyone acted the same, what would we learn? We NEED people who think outside of our own little boxes. Do you imagine the arts would be the same without people that weren't afraid to confront the very worst fears and doubts within themselves? People that genuinely worry about their place in this world and not simply "having fun?"
Incidentally, I think that whole altercation rekindled my taste for internet Blood, lol, but I think it was right after you and I had that rant about false positivity. I. Regret. Nothing.

When Jesus told us that bread and wine were his body and blood, was he trying to say "Yo, chill out dudes! Here, eat this, drink this, they'll make ya feel all loosey goosey and relaxed." Maybe his disciples were like "But Jesus! The carbs! The sugar!" and he was all like, "Listen here you intuitive types, your sensory functions are just as important! Enough pretention! Eat, drink, and be merry! I am the salt of the earth!"
Word. I think we need to start a t-shirt business with modernized Jesus colloquialisms. You in?

It's probably behind the large number of suicides in innovative types (a great book, btw, that explores existentialism, meaning and healthy vs unhealthy narcissism is "The Van Gogh Blues: A Creative Person's Path Through Depression" by Eric Maisel. Delusions of grandeur are actually quite brilliant, considering that if you Really take a line of logic as far as it can go you would eventually have to consider the grandiose within individuation. I think it's important not to Convince yourself of anything though...to keep coming back to "I'm Dorothy, from Kansas")
Facing delusions while maintaining your sanity is a powerful thing—being able to face the blinding light without disintegrating in fear. I'm reading RD Laing's The Politics of Experience and one thing he says is:

"There are sudden, apparently inexplicable suicides that must be understood as the dawn of a hope so horrible and harrowing it is unendurable."

I'm rewatching the X-files and that's a big part of the show: Can we face the blinding light or the pitch-dark Abyss and maintain our sanity? Will new discoveries threaten to topple all that we've built, or can we successfully integrate the new into the old?

And that's the idea behind progress, in general. You need to take a measured leap of faith (Daedalus), paradoxical as that sounds. Not reckless abandon, but not hiding in a corner, either. This goes back to superego development. I couldn't find the article, but I read somewhere that the big struggle during development is learning to differentiate the "parental" superego as taught by the parent figure/religion/government/Father/etc. from the individual's own personal superego. So amusingly enough, the ancient Greek poets, Shakespeare, and writers of Fairy Tales sorta beat Freud to the punch... defiance, in some shape or form, is necessary... otherwise you won't progress.

It gets at the phrase "To make peace, we must prepare for war."

The ultimate goal of rebellion (NOT vendettas/vengeance) is to uproot the old and replant it anew—to reforge the sword into something better (Anduril from LOtR). It's like the eagle in the United States Seal: In one claw she grasps the olive branch of peace and in the other, she holds the arrows of war. Yet she is turned to the olive branch, for she favors diplomacy over open conflict. But ultimately, progress demands some risk and destruction—we must reap before we can sow, you gotta spend money to make money... the phoenix.

We must face that which we fear (notice how she disobeys the fairies guidance? Defiance):


And the same holds for individuation as much as international relations. It's like what our dear, beloved Boss said about enneagram: "The ultimate goal is to transcend the type." So 1s learn to lighten up and let out their inner 7. 7s learn to cool off and become more focused. 8s learn to shed their armor and become more caring (like a mother tigress). I was comparing type 7 and 8. In spite of their similarities (id-type), they're almost like a pair of opposites:

Type 7: The trickster/jester. Comedian whose seductive, light-hearted persona (defense mech = positivity) belies the methodical seriousness and maturity that dwell within (5 integrate). Comedy on the outside, tragedy on the inside (disintegration to 1... guilt).

Type 8: The lone warrior/Den mother. The stoic warrior that belies the vulnerable tenderness within (defense mech = denial)... the heart of gold hidden within the armor, so to speak (2 integrate). Tragedy on the outside, comedy on the inside.

David Lynch explores how nightmarish this can be in his movies. Black Swan, Twin Peaks, Blue Velvet, Mulholland Drive. The imagination isn't just full of butterflies and rainbows. I've wondered if the collective unconscious also carries our collective karma as well...we've done some really awful things to one another. The "fire walk" theme is present in a lot of his stuff. As is self destruction and fear of self projection once one taps into their shadow.
Haha, I just saw an X-files episode that dealt with "genetic memories" where Mulder talked about them as the collective unconscious fulfilling an ancestor's desires. I wonder about that, though. How much of the collective unconscious is actually genetic (nature)? And how much is nurture? Is the individuation process the result of biological development? Or is it imprinted upon us through our exposure to fairy tales, other people, parenting, etc.?

Or is it something more? To quote RD Laing again:

"Words in a poem, sounds in movement, rhythm in space, attempt to recapture personal meaning in a personal time and space from out of the sights and sounds of a depersonalized, dehumanized world. They are bridgeheads into alien territory. They are acts of insurrection. Their source is from the Silence at the center of each of us."

I think Mulholland Dr. is still my favorite Lynch, because it manages to capture so perfectly the emotional swings I get while dreaming. I haven't been remembering or recording my dreams at all lately, but I've been paying attention to the tone, the atmosphere and how I've responded—feelings of exhilaration and hope giving way to incredible unease and doubt... the tug-of-war between seduction and repulsion.

Funny side note, but our cortisol levels are significantly higher upon awakening. I almost never drink coffee to wake up, but I do in order to stay up. I always drink about a litre of water upon awakening, though. Hydration is muy importante.

But yes, Lynch's work just reeks of shadow consciousness—peeling off the surface veneer of our boxed-in livelihoods to reveal the psyche's shadows, demons, and grotesques/beauty beneath. I think the opening of Blue Velvet captures this perfectly, and the beauty is that it's all done through cinematic language ("Pure Cinema" as Hitchcock often put it):


INLAND EMPIRE's a tough nut, though. I saw it once and appreciated the experience, but it's like a 3-hour long nightmarish iron maiden.

That's probably the sickest joke about this whole thing. How trying to control the way in which we protect others and our loved ones can actually lead to even more suffering. Especially when they are a lifeline. That's probably the hardest part of our humanity - the question of tribe mentality or an established moral code towards all, virtue. Self preservation or sacrifice. It always comes back to balance though, imo...and the realization that every situation is gonna be a grey one.
You know that thing about blind faith vs. blind hope you were talking about a while back? I honestly had to read it like 5 times before it started to click. I think you're more in touch with e6's faith/doubt fixation than I am, lol. But I think it can be summarized by:

Blind faith = Sisyphus
Blind hope = Prometheus

Funny enough, both were doomed to an eternity of perpetual punishment and repetition. The difference? Prometheus needs to be shackled whereas Sisyphus accepts his punishment. I think Prometheus was punished for his bravery and defiance, whereas Sisyphus his cowardice.

I'm beginning to think that the Delphic Oracle shouldn't be listened to. Notice how both Oedipus and Sisyphus listened to the Oracle's prophecy and decided to guide their own fate? And BOTH ended up committing incest? Blind faith in the oracle's future, essentially. Faith without questioning—and moreover, faith without doubt—is a spiritually inbred process... it's regressive, not progressive. Incest: the perfect metaphor for spiritual stagnation. Those Greeks were onto something.

A while back, I was really into the River as a metaphor for life. Essentially, a river does not bulldoze its way in a straight line. It meanders around obstacles gracefully. It is opportunistic, but not controlling of its environment. So I think we ought to open our eyes to opportunity, but not "force" things to happen out of desperation. And a river sticks to its present path... it doesn't suddenly run away from everything, but just continues plugging along. And that can produce miraculous change, over time.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(confession: before I left this morning, I stalked your profile and saw you were in the midst of posting in this thread, lol).

Today I was thinking about this whole idea of Planning and moreover, the Divine Plan. Maybe it's due to unlocking type 7, which is paradoxically "future-oriented" yet known for being "spontaneous." The Divine Plan is being in tune with how the pieces of the puzzle before you are interlocking within the present moment. As you move forward, things have a tendency to fall into place.

On my way to work today, the bus broke down before it reached my destination, and I was like "what the hell, let's just walk the rest of it." So I'm walking downtown and I'm thinking about plans and expectations and perfection. What exactly are these things and what do they mean?

Well, here's my thought: If you manage to abandon expectation, yet preserve hope, that is perfection.

I really do believe "expectation is the root of all heartache." Specifically, being trapped by expectation and anticipation. I've felt the most despair in those moments where my life doesn't seem to be like it Should—failing to meet expectations (dukkha). I'm slowly overcoming my social anxiety, where I used to have so much shame that even saying "hello" to someone was nearly impossible. I used to get so anxious just talking to people because I figured I needed to plan out every single damn thing I was going to say, like a script. A lot of this I realize now was the 4w5 feeling unworthy. But the "what the hell" attitude has really loosened me up. Good ol' 7 fix.

Anyways, it seems to me that perfection is the most bizarre concept there ever was. We usually see perfection as some impossible thing (i.e., "nothing is perfect."), or an unattainable ideal. But why? If an ideal doesn't, or more importantly can't exist, then how on earth can it be perfect? If it works in theory, but cannot be manifested in the physical realm, isn't that ridiculously imperfect? Surely, that which exists is closer to perfection?

In other words:
There's a difference between perfection and flawlessness.

So anyways, I'm walking downtown and realize I'm an hour early. I decide to get a bite to eat and continue walking to work. Well, our city has these art installations that are really neat: Just a bunch of pianos that are free for the public to play. As I'm walking, I see this dude (he kinda looked like The Dude, hahaha), playing on a piano, in the middle of the city, singing the Eagles' "Take It to the Limit" at the top of his lungs:


He was a really good singer, too, totally shameless, heartfelt and caught up in that moment—surrendering himself to the music and, essentially, Creating eternity. And that's the thing: Eternity isn't about time at all. It's about the wholeness of an experience. Giving it all for that moment even if it's just sweeping the floor, walking downtown, or playing a song in public.

I always get trapped by expectation. It drives me nuts. I expect a conversation to go a particular way, anticipate a response, or go smoothly and I create some idealized fantasy about how things Should be. I reproach people for petty reasons just because I predicted things would go one way, but they didn't. I get caught up in the perfection of what could be, rather than revel in the perfection that IS.

For me: The Divine Plan is not about "planning." Not really, anyways. Not about predictions, step-wise instructions, or expectations of outcome. Not about cause and effect. It's about the way the pieces seem to miraculously fall into place. Moreover, it is being in tune with the reality of a situation, which means physical reality as well as our imagination of that reality. Simultaneous causality and synchronicity.

I think I finally actually really feel free to just do whatever. Let life unfold some. Relinquish some control. It's been an intense summer...but worth it.
Divine Plan-The Universal Path

I am writing this Plan as I go. My body, my mind and my soul are the pen, furiously scribbling away with each action I take. The world, its people, my friends and family—they are my muses. And my Life is the paper.

Done. No more editing for this chapter muahahahahahahaha.
 
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Shit, I forgot to add these in there somewhere. @Veggie it had something to do with something you posted (I think about female individuation/delusions of a "rescuer" in shining armor, etc.). Boy I'm sloppy today, lol. No editing, muahahahaha.

I'm pretty sure there's a Shrek correlation there, somewhere:

 
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Bare subsistence is not much of an existence. I shall not be ruled by barriers.



Driving out of town for a few days. Haha, I'm so silly, but anytime I have to drive, I feel like I'm on death row. I'm like the prisoner in The Stranger awaiting his execution. It's just driving, but the speed of the cars terrifies me; I think cars scare me as much as guns, actually. I was once walking home and saw a stray dog running all over the place. It was big and fast and I tried to catch it by the collar, but it gleefully ran and ran without a care in the world. It seemed happy, I think. I've always wondered how we know whether another living being is happy or not. It seemed carefree, at any rate.

There it went, bounding back and forth, back and forth across the avenue with its tongue lolling around like it was having the time of its life—and in a yellow flash, a DHL van slammed into it. They say time slows down in these types of moments, but I'm not sure it did. It rolled under the car, whimpered, and then hobbled to the sidewalk. I was of course, the first there, then the driver came over and people from the neighborhood slowly started gathering around. Who do we call, what do we do? In the end, the driver gingerly lifted the creature into the back of the van and what happened then, I do not know.

To go out with a bang or with a whimper? To leave a last will and parting words or to disappear without a trace? My "favorite" fantasy has always been to disappear—to leave behind the world without uttering a word, mostly to see the impact it has ("do you miss me now?"). This summer, one of my students commented:

"May I be honest? You seem like the last person on Earth who should be in pharmacy school."

I wanted to cry. Perhaps because it affirmed what I already knew and the recognition that I'm not in the career I want to be. Who I want to be is who I am and how people see me IS that "me" for the most part. Perhaps I am not always honest, but the flashes of ME do come out and people do recognize me for me. Communication is not completely an illusion—some truth seeps through; how understanding miraculously happens and we just know a connection has been made. There are moments of connection, perhaps fleeting and perhaps not what we expect, but they are moments nevertheless.

I don't know if I could stand working in a hospital with someone's life literally in my hands; me, whose decisions could alter the course of history—this patient's story, with me as a deciding factor in Continuing or Ending that story. It's terrifying. Or even worse, working behind the counter in a 9 to 5 job dealing with the mundane lifestyle of a community pharmacist. You hear about pharmacists covering themselves in fentanyl patches because they can no longer stand their job or perhaps getting gunned down in a stickup.

Spiritual subsistence. Hardly existence.

I actually told my dad recently "I don't think I want to be in healthcare at all. I don't think I ever did in the first place". Thankfully, he was more understanding and supportive than I'd expected. I've often fantasized about announcing to the world: "Everyone, I am dropping out of school and disappearing. You will never see me again. Goodbye." [amusingly enough, that last bit is in the AOL dude's voice]

RD Laing was right. We are too concerned with the Politics of experience, as opposed to the experience itself. We get caught up in silly language games and what's purportedly "appropriate." How should we be acting as opposed to how we feel we need to act. How we ought to accomplish X, Y, and Z by the time we're such-and-such age. Language games, game theory, politics... We so often filter things through theory, when in actuality, theory is nothing more than a point of entry. We are a culture that translates and transcribes, when it ought to create and inspire experience. It should show, not tell.

I am a realist, however. Dropping out [of school or life] now isn't wise, practically, financially or spiritually. While it is true you can uproot the tree and plant it anew, too much of that will stress it to the point of shriveling into a shell. A tree grows best when it stays the course and doesn't make reckless moves. A river cannot magically fly away from its present obstacles. I will complete my 3 more years, perhaps try out hospital work... but I refuse to "commit" myself to something something that isn't what I want—I refuse to settle for that which is Not Bliss.

Here's why I never talk about the "prestige" of being in a healthcare program and why I'm not proud of it:

"So what are you up to these days?"
"Oh, just school."
"Studying what?"
"Oh, pharmacy."
"Ooooooohoho! You'll be making the BIG BUCKS soon! Yeah Booooy."
.
.
.
.
"Hahaha... sure. [Go fuck yourself, shitcocker]"


I have not done much with my life and I'm not proud of my accomplishments. I've been published, but it doesn't mean anything—I never put papers on applications or whatever, because they bear no significance to me. I am a Have Not, or at least it often feels that way. One of my heroes, Krzysztof Kieslowski, was once interviewed and said something to the effect:

"I don't like myself very much. Early in my career, I would ask people what they wanted from life... what they wanted to do, what sort of purpose they wanted to have, etc.. But... when I turned the camera on myself and asked myself those questions, I had no answers."

Perhaps I am the same way. It hurts to see an idol—someone whose work has carried me into the light—reveal the dislike he had for himself. But then... I realize that I don't like myself very much, either. I have no idea what my "Bliss" is and I can't tell you what I want, but perhaps I want to actually tell a story. Not in the sense of literature or film or whatever, but leaving some kind of mark, in this world. To be remembered, perhaps.

Like, for instance, I look at the people buried in Pompeii and how they died tells a story (what were they doing or thinking in that final breath?). The way a tree grows tells a story or the way a river snakes its way across a landscape. Our society's notion of what entails stories is too limited and constraine. People mistake Plot for Story. Plot is nothing but a clothesline—it is the Telling of Events. But a Story... that is Showing someone an Experience and inspiring the self's search for meaning. Not simply describing or depicting events, but imbuing them with a sense of exigency—an urgency that creates a transcendent experience where we are the adventurers, not the onlookers.

I wonder if the words I'm writing right now will "last." I'm sure most of them will be lost in time, but there is the hope that some fragment of them will ripple out from one person to the next. Perhaps, thousands of years in the future, they will be like cave paintings to some future race.

I do not believe the conscious persists after death. I hope I'm cremated [partly because I don't want to come back as a zombie and starting chewing off people's faces]. "I think therefore I am" only works while we are alive. And life is eternal because it is a closed loop. It is precious because it is so delicate. If I die today [yeesh, that's a bit morbid, but you never know]...

Hm, how does one complete that thought... If I die today?

I'm moving away from the idea of holding in or reserving something for a later date. I want to create impacts and moments more so than build statues that try in vain to last for eons. I prefer Shiva's Nataraja.
 
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Discussion Starter · #46 ·
I love that I keep coming to "Alright...think I can finally just relinquish some control here" ...only to end up back on this thread after filling multiple journals (like literally) with notes, lol. I'm making some serious progress though, so I guess I'll just ride this thing out.

 


Word. I think we need to start a t-shirt business with modernized Jesus colloquialisms. You in?
Let's do it.



The ultimate goal of rebellion (NOT vendettas/vengeance) is to uproot the old and replant it anew—to reforge the sword into something better (Anduril from LOtR).
I like that differentiation. It's like how Charles Manson advocated this "anti-society" agenda when he was really about "anti-society's rejection of him personally". He was butt hurt about a record deal. Neither rebellion nor complacency should be selfish. Thought should be given to impact.

We must face that which we fear (notice how she disobeys the fairies guidance? Defiance)
I actually have never seen Pan's Labyrinth, but I looked up the plot/synopsis after watching that. Interesting. Her ultimate lesson wasn't to not be defiant...but merely to be careful in being defiant if she were knowingly (I think that word is important, as otherwise we would just be paralyzed by what if's) hurting the innocent.

It made me think of "The Terminal" with Tom Hanks. My Taoist instructor recommended that I watch it. The biggest difference between Eastern and Western spiritual theosophy is surrender vs. defiance. Eastern is more go with the flow, accept your karma, while Western is roll away your stone, face your fear. Ultimately...they come full circle in that though. It can be just as terrifying to surrender as it is to rebel. Faith and trust. Faith ultimately comes down to surrender. Accepting the possibilities (in their many forms) of possession, consumption, monotony, obsession...and holding onto hope regardless. I see trust as being associated with defiance though. You are ultimately the only one who can put trust in anything in your world. It is entirely a personal decision. Sometimes you have to trust yourself to say "I don't care, I want this, it feels right" or "I don't see how a world that makes such beautiful things can be bad" regardless of the warnings that you're receiving.

I just got back from a trip to Central America with my best friend. We wanted to go somewhere tropical, but also somewhere a bit adventurous. I thought back to "The Alchemist" a lot down there. Paulo Coelho talks about the "universal language" in the book, and it was really awesome to experience it with this thread still alive, kicking and on my mind. My Spanish is very limited, so I had to communicate entirely through energy, eyes, expression. Surprisingly, it really wasn't that difficult, and I left feeling that I had a couple of friends I hadn't been able to verbally communicate with. I really do believe that we can trust energy. We just have to let ourselves.

Anyway...The Terminal. Tom Hanks can't leave the airport because his country is at war and isn't technically considered a country, at the exact moment of his arrival. He is a citizen of nowhere, and therefore can't enter the US. He's given several opportunities to sneak out, but he keeps saying that he will wait until he is legally allowed to leave. It's only when his friends are threatened that he finally agrees to turn around and go home. They won't allow themselves to be used as his whipping boys though, and there is an amazing scene where his friend, a janitor, runs in front of a plane, waving a mop (the mop represents neglected duties symbolically), accepting that he will finally have to endure punishment for a crime he had committed and had been running from. Since his friends take personal responsibility, there is nothing more to hold over his head, and he is allowed to fulfill his dream.

"Seek patience and passion in equal amounts. Patience alone will not build the temple. Passion alone will destroy it's walls" - Maya Angelou

I think Mulholland Dr. is still my favorite Lynch, because it manages to capture so perfectly the emotional swings I get while dreaming. I haven't been remembering or recording my dreams at all lately, but I've been paying attention to the tone, the atmosphere and how I've responded—feelings of exhilaration and hope giving way to incredible unease and doubt... the tug-of-war between seduction and repulsion.
The tug-of-war between seduction and repulsion...

I think that often times what we are repulsed by are our own inadequacies when we are seduced by something we feel we can't match. Too sexy, too scary, too brutal. We can't ever know where another's balance pendulum lies though. For some, balance is meditation and prayer, for others, it's a fight club. Attraction and repulsion give us a gauge of where we're at personally, but I think we face danger when we project this personal experience onto our surroundings as their truth as well. Should that prevent you from stepping in when you feel that innocence is being subjugated though? No...but be careful charging into what you don't understand.

The way that you worded the tug of war made me think of the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Even as a kid, I remember thinking that Frollo was the most evil of all Disney villains. He was entirely a coward. He had neither faith nor trust, yet he preached these concepts to the masses. You mentioned Svengali a while back...I honestly have more respect for that energy. At least it's honest. We all have a predatory side that plays games. Most especially the evangelicals that lecture me about my vegetarian diet and then about the fact that I'm not an evangelical or that interested in organized sports...

"It's not my fault! I'm not to blame!"




That last scene is completely beautiful to me. Seeing the defiance in others as inspirational rather than intimidating. Forgiveness. Loving someone even if they love someone/something else. Protection. Not allowing others to endure cruel or unusual punishments.

One of my favorite books is "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom. The main character is allowed to face his guilt as an interactive, transformative experience rather than as an insult to his soul.

Funny enough, both were doomed to an eternity of perpetual punishment and repetition. The difference? Prometheus needs to be shackled whereas Sisyphus accepts his punishment. I think Prometheus was punished for his bravery and defiance, whereas Sisyphus his cowardice.
Defiance can become bull-headed stubbornness. Sometimes you have to accept that someone may know better than you. Cowardice is thinking that this is always the case though.

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen"

Well, here's my thought: If you manage to abandon expectation, yet preserve hope, that is perfection.

I really do believe "expectation is the root of all heartache."
I remember my entire life transforming after I posted this quote to my Pinterest and thinking about it on a daily basis, lol. Totally agree.

In other words:[/U][/B] There's a difference between perfection and flawlessness.
I like that.

Eternity isn't about time at all. It's about the wholeness of an experience. Giving it all for that moment even if it's just sweeping the floor, walking downtown, or playing a song in public.
I think it's about commitment too. Whether you commit to rebellion or surrender...do it wholeheartedly. Do it because it's Worth It too. Think but don't overthink. Calculated determination. Union of heart and mind.

I've been thinking a lot about the "leap" the "bridge" - there are two ways to cross it, one aggressive, one passive. I think the trap is when you GIVE UP on one or the other option in exchange for the other.


Ricky Bobby...personal spirit



Peter Pan, pixie dust launched ship...faith, trust, dust (believe)

Different times and situations will call for one or another, and you should never try to force what isn't there.
 

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Discussion Starter · #47 ·
To go out with a bang or with a whimper? To leave a last will and parting words or to disappear without a trace?
I think I'd definitely like to go out with a bang. Actually, I'm realizing that this is a huge hurdle I need to overcome. I don't think that my motivation is all that brave, really. It's influenced by fear - of death, boredom, commitment, betrayal. I've always filled my thoughts with romantic and idealistic notions. Your thoughts influence your actions, and so I've spent a lot of my time in a state of rebellion. I'm realizing that I probably identify with the main character in The Alchemist more than I thought that I did. Also that I identify with female characters like Belle and Ariel more so than Dorothy or Alice. A lot of the trouble that I've gotten into in life hasn't been due to passivity. I remember in high school receiving repeated detentions and Saturday school punishments because I had an awful habit of cutting class. My friend and I were terrible...often times we would purposefully catch the eye of an administrator just because it made the chase more exciting. I would never get in trouble for being rude or disrupting class...always just for running. I've spent a lot of my life running From and not running To though...which in itself I guess is somewhat passive. I'm letting myself be governed by fight or flight rather than standing up to it.

I really liked Evangeline Lilly in Lost. I remembered the episode "What Kate Did" the other night. It is chalk full of symbolism. The father theme, the black horse, handcuffs, burning house. Her test was to stop running as well. I always got a sort of corrupted Ni-Fe vibe from her character.


I've noticed a lot of patterns in the colors that are used in representations of heroines. Usually it's blue and orange/gold. Blue represents consciousness/knowledge while orange represents physical health. I've said before that I associate synchronicity/fourth dimension thinking with the concept of in/out-expansion/contraction. The fact that Cinderella undergoes transformation in a pumpkin coach because of this is really cool I realized. I made the connection to the sphere eversion, Bill Thurston and the "Outside In" video. The sphere takes a pumpkin like form!

Ariel was different in that she was red/green/purple. Jessica Rabbit depictions keep popping up in my world as well, and she is the same. Red is passion, green mental health, and purple has been associated with mysticism (union of passion/consciousness). As I was giving this some thought, I received a client at work who requested beforehand to reception that our session be silent. Apparently his last therapist chattered away throughout their hour and it left him unable to relax. That was fine by me, as I usually let the client lead conversation anyway. There is power in silence. It helps to stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system. Replaces adrenaline with serotonin. It struck me that Ariel having her voice taken from her may have been a gift. Mermaids used to be depicted as sirens, their song was hypnotic. Without this effect, she placed doubt in Prince Eric - which may have been a service to them both, as it prompted attention to essence, and decision. The nightclub singer theme is one that you see a lot too. The seductive woman (Jessica Rabbit being an example) who is eventually used up and tossed aside when her hypnotic appeal declines, usually by a psycho-sociopath type in search of their next thrill. Passion without awareness or real appreciation. (Tangent...going back to our correlations between Christ and Dionysus, I think it's cool that red and green are the colors of Christmas).

Wasn't Prometheus eventually saved by Hercules (man who became immortal due to really using the gift of fire - both in wit and spirit)? I think that he then gave Hercules instructions on how to obtain the golden apples from the Garden of Hesperides. I'm also pretty sure that Prometheus was kept company at times during his punishment by a Nereid, a benevolent mermaid, Thetis.

I love this picture of Ariel and Prince Eric. It has an inter-dimensional thing going on.

 


It also gives me a "Titanic" ending sort of vibe, only reversed. Makes me think about what "walking on water" really means, and Joseph and the coat of many colors, randomly, in that vein. Never let go. You can always resurrect peace in your heart, regardless of what has happened. You can always dig yourself out of a pit like Joseph did, and make sense of chaos, keep from losing your head too (off with her head!), as he did in his interpretations of dreams. THAT makes me think of the final Batman movie, and *spoiler* how he had to cut his chord, dependency, and get angry (anger can actually be a really beautiful emotion as it is usually fueled by respect for oneself and others - just channel it properly) to climb out of the shadows.


I don't know if I could stand working in a hospital with someone's life literally in my hands; me, whose decisions could alter the course of history—this patient's story, with me as a deciding factor in Continuing or Ending that story. It's terrifying.
With Lost on my brain, this scene came to mind.


There's only so much you can do within medicine. The rest comes from igniting hope. Realizing that some of the story may be up to the patient, their ability to believe, or even in a greater power, or, better worded, another power. Fusion and doing what you can. Paris and Egypt are both tied to hermeticism. I just learned that the story of the "Judgment of Paris" was essentially the first beauty contest between the Greek goddesses. The golden apple would be awarded to the winner, to the "fairest of them all". The result was the Trojan War. (I love that in Romeo and Juliet, she chooses sacrifice to love instead of Paris).

Personal responsibility is important, but I think that it can become damaging if taken too far. Eventually I think you need to determine that while you can collapse the archetypes to within, that still places them outside some too. While a radio has access to all frequencies, it can only play one at a time, although the others still exist. Putting too much responsibility on your own shoulders is actually almost a form of narcissism, although it seems heroic.

I am a realist, however. Dropping out [of school or life] now isn't wise, practically, financially or spiritually.
It's all a choice. I dropped a pretty lucrative career in exchange for massage school. Threw away a resume I had toiled over creating. I don't regret it. I learned a lot during that time - about professionalism, survival, community, life in general...and I'm learning now too. I make a lot less than I was, and my degree isn't needed...but your lifestyle has a way of evening itself out, and I'm glad that I earned my Bachelor's anyway. It was a great experience.

In Panama I met a number of backpackers who were living off of about thirty dollars a day, if that. There was a brotherhood in their lifestyle, support. I remember asking a few before embarking on various adventures if they were safe or not - and I was met with refreshing responses. Usually along the lines of "as safe as anything can be if you use common sense." Ain't that the TRUTH too :p Just as there are no guarantees after death, there are no guarantees in life either. Anything can happen at any time. Safety is an illusion. It made me think of Aladdin, where Jasmine asks if the magic carpet is safe. The lyrics, when viewed through the filter of pure intuition, instinct, adventure and appreciation became really profound to me :)


Another quote I love - "If you aren't afraid to look stupid, nothing great is ever going to happen to you" - House



(Jennifer Lawrence falling on the steps while accepting her Acadamy Award - everyone still loves her...and she won right? Who cares. I'm getting much better at embracing this...actually just within the past couple of months)

I have not done much with my life and I'm not proud of my accomplishments.
Sometimes I fall into that trap too, but then I think of this quote by Joss Whedon - "Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Sauté it, whatever. MAKE."

Just brew up feelings :) Some people backpacking in Central America are living the richest of lives, while others who appear to be the pinnacle of success are completely empty inside. Exploration without feeling is like that scene in Lost in Translation. Possession without appreciation is superficial and hollow. Neither success or failure is permanent. Fall seven times, get up eight.

I don't think it really matters whether you stay in medicine or leave. I might even eventually try to go back into what I was doing before for a while for the money. Make music, meals, pilgrimages, love, art...bloggish responses on psychology threads :p Just create. We live in such a pre-packaged society.

Not in the sense of literature or film or whatever, but leaving some kind of mark, in this world. To be remembered, perhaps.
I will always remember this thread. I've really been intrigued by your responses.

Hm, how does one complete that thought... If I die today?
It's kind of exciting, right? :p

I'm moving away from the idea of holding in or reserving something for a later date. I want to create impacts and moments more so than build statues that try in vain to last for eons. I prefer Shiva's Nataraja.
I think I see it as a relay race. Just make sure to pass the baton. The world is such a weird and interesting place, that can really be done from anywhere.
 

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1.) Is there something that you've always wanted to do or have been interested in? Broadly, specifically, a journey, creation, vocation, etc?


Music, writing, and inspiring others.


2.) How did this show up in your childhood?


When I was 3, I saw a conductor on TV, and I stood up on a stool and grabbed a stick and acted like I was conducting an orchestra. I also was told that I was a very good story teller, when I would tell stories around the campfire for friends.

3.) Has anything/one served as an impetus in helping you to get started? Blessings in disguise, synchronicity, motivation, bizarre occurrences, revelations, etc?


My first guitar teacher said I played really well and that gave me the mindset that I was talented. My English teacher also nominated me for "most creative writer" because she felt I wrote really well which also gave me confidence.

4.) What steps have you taken along your path?


I went to college for music, but dropped out because they weren't teaching me what I wanted to learn. Instead, I started studying and transcribing Coltrane, Rachmaninoff, Debussy, and flamenco guitarists.

For writing, I've picked up lots of books on how to write, as well as read and studied the masters.

5.) Doubts. Nagging, pesky doubts. Do you have them?


All the time. But fuck em. You have to keep going until you are successful.
 

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I'll respond to your posts soon-ish, but a few brief comments for now (but hell, you know how loosely I use the word "brief" :laughing:).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't think it really matters whether you stay in medicine or leave.
Yes, that's what my gut, heart, and head have been telling me (I listen to all three, because I don't believe in dictatorships). As much as I "dislike society," I admit I feel most alive when I'm close enough to it to comment and react to it.

While there is the "Should" element of staying due to debts and whatnot, I actually do want to leave my mark in the healthcare system. I don't necessarily want to work in the system doing the same thing everyday... I want to be the spearhead actually building and innovating the system. If I'm being honest with myself, Ideas and Innovation are where I'm happiest... I'm intoxicated by the freshness of an insight and above all, I think I want to see Progress, both in myself and whatever field I happen to work in.

It's not so much What I do, but HOW.

I envision myself as an intrepid explorer—this leg of the journey has taken me to the land of Healthcare and for now, I'm here to stay and learn from its people (and they are teaching me a degree of responsibility and respect for rules and authority... it is a humbling experience for this defiant jackass). I want to ignite the Renaissance Spirit into the system and challenge the old, outdated paradigms. I want to be undefinable and unclassifiable—yet Memorable, competent and inspiring lasting, good change to the system.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have to redact my typing of the Evil Queen as 3w4 because... what the hell was I thinking??

Nope, she's more likely a 2w1 so/sx. Vanity is evident in all imager triaders (234) because their drive is heavily influenced by self-image and how others perceive and value them, so there's a groomed and calculated presentation to their cultivated image. The Queen's vanity isn't governed by the Marketing orientation of 3s, however—nor is she a competency triader. Rather, she's more in line with histrionics (uh, she needs to be the fair-EST in the land... apparently, being adored by society as the Number 2 isn't good enough—if that's not melodrama/overreaction, I don't know what is).

Also, 2's are power seekers (along with 5 and 8); the difference being that they seek power through other people. So the Queen validates herself if the whole of society perceives her as the fairest. I think 1-wing because there's a perfectionist quality to her self-image (she has to be No. 1). Femme fatales are often 2s—the manipulative seductresses with ulterior motives, and can be surprisingly possessive in spite of their image as "givers." The Queen's line to 8 is pretty clear—since she isn't being loved how she ideally wants, she lashes out to Control, like an 8. She takes what she feels is hers... namely the title of Fairest in the land, even if it means resorting to Histrionic extremes. It is when the neediness of type 2 held back by Pride smashes through its beneficent, giving image, to reveal the selfishness beneath.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dream Journaling Vol. 3 ---

Screw Your Manufactured Ice Cream Social Nonsense


I was an hour late to my exam. We were being tested on how well we could make ice cream in the scorching parking lot. I kept on having to run back inside because I kept forgetting things. I knew how to make it, but I was missing the Instructions—without them, They told us we'd fail. The point of the exam was not how well we could make the ice cream, but how well we followed instructions. I kept running back and forth from the parking lot to the building to fetch each sheet of paper one at a time (there was a whole stack of instructions). Everything seemed pointlessly inefficient. First of all, why was I making ice cream?

I was frustrated because I failed to see the point of indulging this exam's purpose, but my professors insisted it had to be done exactly how they wanted because "it was fascinating," or so they kept telling me. I wasn't bound by anything (no ball and chain), like Sisyphus. The whole place was a warzone of students happily and blindly following instructions.

In the middle of the exam, I'm teleported to another part of campus—or is it a totally brand new place? I'm in a library but I can't stay because I have to get back to the exam—I'm being dragged down the spiraling staircase by some unknown force—as if a vortex is trying to pull me back to the exam.

I'm teleported again to another school building. Apparently, I was the architect of this building, yet I had no idea of its exact purpose. I take the elevator and pressed the invisible button to reach a secluded observation platform. It's an interior, but omniscient of all around it. There is one of those plastic Coin Vortex things where you slide a quarter or penny down the slot and it rolls on its side into a maelstrom. I keep trying to lift the whole thing up so I could steal the quarters underneath.

I was alone. A room of one's own. Not a pretty room—in fact, it was quite drab, but a room of Solitude. And more importantly, it provided a Calm between storms.
 
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MOTM Jan 2015
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Discussion Starter · #50 · (Edited)
Driving out of town for a few days. Haha, I'm so silly, but anytime I have to drive, I feel like I'm on death row. I'm like the prisoner in The Stranger awaiting his execution. It's just driving, but the speed of the cars terrifies me; I think cars scare me as much as guns, actually.
...
A river cannot magically fly away from its present obstacles.
I had some more thoughts about this but I had to get ready for work this morning before I could get them down.

I love driving, but I hate flying. I used to get really bad hypertension, and I forced myself to go to a mind over matter place on my last trip and look out the window the duration of the time. That was a rare moment of surrender, and I surprised myself by feeling completely peaceful by the end of it. I had a similar moment on a bus. We were riding through the jungle, completely remote other than the occasional farmer on a horse, on a four hour journey at one point. I didn't get service down there and only occasionally had access to Wi-Fi. It was the most detached I've ever felt...yet because of that...it was somehow simultaneously a very connective experience with myself. I am my home. I played out a dozen horrifying scenarios in my mind but didn't feel anxious about any of them. I felt completely whole and ready to face whatever happened.

I've felt like that a lot lately. When you're feeling a bit paranoid about the idea of simultaneous realities and trust, working as a massage therapist to strangers is a lot of fun...ha. Really tests that whole love thy neighbor concept. Something about the physical act of touching my clients despite being a bit fearful at times though has really been aiding me in building courage. I can feel my energy, respect and power coming back. I don't know if it would have been where it was on my trip otherwise or not.

Respect is such an amazing thing. When you can find something to respect about everything you encounter, it's silver lining, you're giving respect to yourself as well to stay in the present moment. It also keeps you occupied, and it allows for something to fill that void you feel when fear sets in. Sometimes I think we fill that void with more than what we started with. It also allows for the feeling of excitement to set in as well. The second you choose to turn a surge of adrenaline from panic to excitement I think magic happens.

I was thinking some more about Ricky Bobby vs. the pixie dust pirate ship, and it reminded me of a quote.

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, the Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would have never otherwise occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now" - Goethe

I've mentioned experiences with synchronicity on this forum. The more I develop faith and trust, the more often they occur. Actually, really cool, the morning I was leaving for the airport on my trip there were two golden butterflies in my front yard that literally looked as if they were dancing with each other. I've never seen anything like it. This went on for a really long time too, in this same exact spot. The more you see, the more you start to believe, and the more you believe, the more you find courage to give yourself a passionate running start to launch for take-off. A river can't uproot from it's course but we can, sure. Transcendence, right? :) We're surrounded by currents of energy regardless, we never really leave the river - we just enter into a new stream.

I had a really cool dream that you might appreciate. For a few years I've dreamt about this outdoor path. It doesn't exist in real life, but I know it in my dream pretty well. I started really making changes in my thinking, and one night I was walking along it as usual, when a tree branch gave way to what I realized was another secret path branching off from it.

I was thinking some more about rebellion vs. karma too - and I think that my take on karma is that you only surrender to it when you have to. If it doesn't come back to you, cool, go do something awesome. I think too many people get caught up in trying to balance a karmic debt that may not even exist. Maybe you got away with something or it was forgiven or left behind. Move on. If it's going to come back it will. Worry about and deal with it then. Don't let it weigh you down.

I asked my Taoist instructor what her original sin story is, and she told me that we landed here to visit but then accidently lost our sandals in the surf. Hermes again! (I know that he came up on another thread where we were talking anima/animus). Hermes takes flight in playfulness, mischief, creating a spark.

I posted this video on that thread I think, and it's like seriously the most perfect depiction of Hermes energy bringing balance back to an out of control anima through rebellion. I like that the fireworks become a snake at one point too, as Hermes sometimes disguises himself as this.


I started thinking about the movie Grease after she told me this as well. How Danny and Sandy meet on the beach, but then "it gets colder, that's where it ends". When they reunite though they have more of a personal impact on each other and they both undergo transformation, and fly off in the car together.



The flying car actually shows up a lot in movies. There was a scene in Batman where Catwoman tells him that her "mother warned about riding in cars with strange men" to which he replies (and can I just say his voice is so ridiculous I giggle to myself even thinking about it?) "this isn't a car"

I like this picture as a representation of individuation:



Edit:

Just saw your post @hal0hal0. I like the femme fatale typing. I'm really interested in this energy right now. I've been simultaneously called both very genuine but a bit of a troublemaker by guys over this past year, lol. I probably possess at least a little more of that than I'd like to identify with.

I don't know if I think that there is anything wrong with that energy though so long as there is a release of outcome. Sometimes the only ulterior motive in playing a game or cranking up energy is to experience the fun in it. Just have to be a good sport though I guess and play fair.

I like that you use the word "fascinating" in your dream of blind instruction following. My friend and I actually had a talk about that word not too long ago. She finds it insulting, like if it's given as a compliment what one is really saying is "you're fun to observe". We decided that the word "interesting" is much more flattering because there is an interactive quality to it. It doesn't bring to mind a caged animal at the zoo or Tinkerbell in a jar, lol.
 

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Discussion Starter · #51 ·
Well, you really have your work cut out for you @hal0hal0 in reading responses. You started this though :laughing: Take your time, you just keep on saying things in a perfect way that unleash all of these thoughts.

Really, the doubt that "The Alchemist" placed in me was what MATURITY is. That's why I kept coming back to reckless, stupid Or brave and genuine? Selfish or inspiring?

Femme fatales are often 2s—the manipulative seductresses with ulterior motives, and can be surprisingly possessive in spite of their image as "givers." The Queen's line to 8 is pretty clear—since she isn't being loved how she ideally wants, she lashes out to Control, like an 8.
Okay, so I can do this. My gut fix is 8, and yes, it is probably an attempt to regain control. I chewed over all night - do I just have this spoiled Scarlett O'Hara'ish, shrewish side to me? Am I a bad person?

Really though - is lashing out such a terrible thing? These women are usually seen as deserving "hellfire" like Esmeralda, while the women who control through shaming and guilt are put on a pedestal. Is that really better?!

It makes me think of the movie "Disturbing Behavior"

"You will behave properly; No emotions; You will think correctly; No choices; You will be perfect; No exceptions; Science is God"


So the levels of the Anima go as follows:

Eve - The emergence of a male's object of desire

Helen - Women can be self-reliant and intelligent

Mary - Women are virtuous

There is a final stage, but I don't think that we are there yet. We're stuck on Mary. Woman must be pure! She conceived Christ immaculately! She must be wise yet also innocent (tell me how That one works, lol, wisdom is achieved through living).

The final stage in anima development is actually Sophia. Women are individuals who possess both positive and negative qualities. She is ultimate wisdom.

Jung predicted the return of the "feminine". He thought that first we would have to get in touch with our shadow side (and functions) to achieve individuation (enlightenment, really), then we integrate masculine/feminine energy, and then we achieve contact with the wise old man/woman (I'm convinced that this is the Fairy Godmother for females :proud:)

As I was re-watching the Grease video, I thought that it was interesting that you keep seeing the "Danger Ahead" sign. Is the femme-fatale Sophia? C'mon and act like men don't incorporate her qualities into their personalities. Please. Just as the woman has to accept the beast/trickster as the animus though - and develop his positive qualities and learn to control the negative...perhaps this is the same lesson for man in the femme-fatale. Once you do that, you can be more understanding of it in others too.

So I was thinking about the symbols that you see pop up frequently in mysticism and fairy tales - the mirror, music box, apple and rose. It came back to I am (mirror), I feel (music box), I think (apple), I connect (rose).

This got me to thinking about the idea that "every rose has it's thorn" - which brought me to both of these videos.


^ 6:00 (Christ consciousness...a lot of fourth dimension stuff in this video too)


^ 3:20 (Briar Rose)

What does letting our thorns down really mean? Should we? Is this allowing ourselves to be burned because it's worth it? Or is the point to defeat the fire first, completely? Why would we want to do that though? Isn't fire equivalent to the holy spirit?


This world is completely a romantic place once more for me. The idea that what if's must collapse to possibility in my present moment in order for me to fully be present has unleashed something that feels like childhood again.

I had the funniest conversation down in Panama with somebody about the creepy Sloth meme. He was like "I think that at some point you're supposed to grow up from thinking that kind of stuff is funny...but I don't know if you ever get to that point, really."

His demeanor was so contemplative as he said this that it left me in a giggle fit. Really though...True DAT :p

 


I get that you have to be careful in lashing out and retaining the child though, that this energy can be utterly destructive. I think that the point is to not let Yourself be destroyed by it. If you can achieve this, then you can achieve protecting others from this destruction as well.

I thought about the new Wizard of Oz, about how the Wicked Witch of the West was unable to achieve this after eating the apple. You have to though. Union of heart and mind, again.

Sidenote - why is Mila Kunis the poster child for all of these damaged women with hearts of gold?


I loved that scene. It gets harder and harder to find genuine connection the older you get. Everyone gets caught up in "supposed to" and runs from what is real, since they've been burnt from it before. I think that the point is to never stop forgiving and believing. Feeling.
 

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1.) I have always wanted to heal and fix people. I realized this when I was 3 and wanting to cure cancer, which could be surprisingly early on in life considering when most people decide what they want to do today. I plan on doing this through cooking, after all food is the modern medicine.

2.) When I was 10 I made breakfast for my grandparents and they loved it. I then started cooking a little bit for myself and helped out a little, though not much, in the kitchen and the food always wound up delicious. Since then I wanted to be a chef. I put two and two together by the time I was 14: I could heal people with tasty, healthy food!

3.) While I realized this on my own, there were others to help me further my training. My dad gave me nutrition books, and my culinary instructors over the years have trained me to work in the field. Even though my ideals and dreams are out there everybody I have talked to about it has supported me, reminding me this is the path I need to take. I learned through tai chi and reiki that I am not here completely for myself and my spiritual growth as well as the fact that I am a healer.

4.) I thought I have strayed from the path a couple times, yet that was not the case. I was following it exactly as I needed to. The rest is explained in the above numbers.

5.)None. I have no people opposing me, only supporting me in my efforts, and I am confident that even if I get lazy and am forced to struggle because of it I will make it to where I need to be. No matter what I always wind up where I need to be.
 
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Well, you really have your work cut out for you @hal0hal0 in reading responses. You started this though :laughing:
Haha, I sure do. A bit too distracted at the moment to respond coherently—I'll probably have to break it into chapters or it'll make no sense. But in the meantime, I want to make sure I'm understanding this:

What is meant by "release of outcome?"

Is this where, upon reaching our destination, the yearning we feel is essentially released or exorcised as a sort of catharsis? So we don't keep chasing the proverbial carrot-on-a-stick that's always just out of reach or become trapped by a dream/fantasy/obsession that can never be fully actualized?
 
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Discussion Starter · #54 ·
What is meant by "release of outcome?"

Is this where, upon reaching our destination, the yearning we feel is essentially released or exorcised as a sort of catharsis? So we don't keep chasing the proverbial carrot-on-a-stick that's always just out of reach or become trapped by a dream/fantasy/obsession that can never be fully actualized?
I think I see it as that there is no FINAL destination. There are many destinations. Also, yea, that the yearning is in itself catharsis. That it's beautiful to feel it. Like the lyrics in the song Foreplay/Long Time by Boston - "Even if I never find it, I'm always right behind it." I see it as that there isn't any such thing as a trap either. There is ALWAYS a possibility that a dream/fantasy/obsession could be actualized - in this lifetime or a next - because we don't have all of the answers. I think we're happiest when we keep that dream broad though.

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life" - John Lennon

Ideals can take many faces, which is great, because it gives us more to explore.

Before I went to Panama, I went down to Georgia this summer for my cousin's wedding. He has always been like a big brother to me and he is one of the only people I genuinely look up to. I'd type him as an ENFJ. He is a connoisseur at creating feeling. His primary aim in his wedding planning was creating the ultimate music playlist. "The Longest Time" by Billy Joel came up a lot.


"I don't care what consequence it brings" is release of outcome. Committing to the moment.

That trip was an amazing experience as well. Most of the guests were from out of town, and most of us got down there early for the fourth of July. He had several parties at his house before the wedding, and I re-connected to feelings I probably haven't felt in a decade (I'm 28). There were a lot of "bro" types there, plenty of "inappropriate" shenanigans (F*ck, marry, kill was played a lot alongside shots, dancing in the rain/pool...overall rowdiness, lol)...but being in my what the hell, I just wanna feel things again shadow drive I felt extreme appreciation for everyone and all of it. Some of the guys I might have previously labeled as asses turned out to be complete give you the shirt of their back types too.

I heard the song "Bruises" by Train for the first time as soon as I got back and burst into tears.


Bruises do make for better conversation. I went into such a neurotic place for a while, in this quest for perfection, adulthood. Everybody loses. Laugh or brush it off. Failure makes us stronger. It's a blessing in disguise.
 

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There is ALWAYS a possibility that a dream/fantasy/obsession could be actualized - in this lifetime or a next - because we don't have all of the answers. I think we're happiest when we keep that dream broad though.
Good point. Dreams provide hope when facing the Abyss of the unknown. They may not provide a guarantee, but the idea is to abandon the desire for guarantees at all. It gets back to making a distinction between expectations and hope.

"Carrot or stick?"
"Trick question. I prefer neither."

I keep coming back to the River. In an ideal world, the River would run in a straight line, with no deviations, clear down to the ocean—but wouldn't that be exceedingly boring? A completely straight canal, essentially? Rivers meander gracefully, encountering each object as they come... they don't see the whole path, yet they continue pushing forward. There is no "grand plan" to how it forms because it is writing its story as it goes, day by day, rock by rock.

When I say a river cannot magically transplant itself onto a totally new path, I believe this holds for people, as well. A new beginning is a powerful thing, but it can't be done as a way of running away from the past or "divorcing" oneself from all previous connections. New beginnings don't exist in a vacuum, but carry spiritual, physical, or patternistic manifestations of the generations before it.

So the newborn baby is connected via the umbilical cord to the mother. The artist's techniques evolve, but are influenced by past experiences and work. Cultures advance, but their flavor carries echos of the past. People die, but their influence lives on in the others throughout their lives—children, work, ideas, etc.. That's why I think it's so important to spread ideas and not hold onto them. It's creating that ivory tower of elitism that fragments society, I think.

You see this in healthcare, actually. It's shifting from the "I'm-the-expert-so-do-what-I-say-and-everything-will-be-fine" mentality to a more "We're-collaborators-so-let's-do-the-best-we-can-to-make-sound-decisions" approach. Less "expertise" and more genuine collaboration—between everyone; patients and HCPs. Essentially, the politics surrounding healthcare, I think, is dissolving (that's my optimistic hope, at least).

But like with anything else, it's a slow, messy process. You still see students, for instance, who seem more concerned and fixated on the grade as opposed to the actual knowledge.

I think I want to stick around healthcare for now, at least, because I want to bear witness to this change... perhaps as the historian and storyteller of this particular tale. I think healthcare is "bringing up the rear," so to speak, so it's still stuck in the old ways more so than other areas (makes sense, change requires finesse and healthcare definitely needs finesse). What is happening in healthcare now, I believe, has been forecast by Artists decades ago. Art is the canary in the mine or the Advance guard of society, essentially. The artists and poets today are the closest thing we have to Oracles.

It gets back to the notion of The Age of Authenticity or The Age of Commons. Essentially, rather than get caught up in "roles," we are talking on a more basic, human level; person-to-person.

That said, I should point out there's a "shadow" to all this as well; the dark-side, so to speak.


I would also add there's a third "tumor": The Society of Sheeple. These are the people that are more interested in networking than actually connecting. Where the "friends list" takes priority over the actual communication and discussion that the media are purposed towards. It is essentially the Narcissistic Trance that McLuhan talked about—when we become so fixated on the technology, that its original purpose becomes lost.

Incidentally, you see this in typology. Where people become more fixated on the type/label/surface characteristics/stereotypes, rather than what these things actually mean in terms of communication, blindspots, weaknesses, strengths, etc.

Jaw Drawing Sketch


The Beast of Bethlehem
(inspired by Yeats' "The Second Coming")

What happens when the gold apple you touch
turns into an abyss inasmuch
your awe for marching into the sun
is swallowed by a despair unsung?
The idol once clung to becomes a roach
for no ideal is beyond reproach
Or at least a questioning within reason
for what would we be if we all shouted "Treason?"
Jingoist chauvinist dominant discourse
would deny the beauty of multiple a source.
From the ashes and from the war,
the monolithic regime is no more—
replaced, good sirs, by the voice of many
Each one speaking their two of a penny
We've been given the gift of pluralism
Which may at first seem a schism
Yet dissonance gives way to something better
Each individual speaking free of fetter
That is the hope the Beast does bring
The ideal of having each one sing.


One thing I always like to do is reminisce about all the events that needed to happen in order for me to, say, have a friend, a hobby, etc.. To revel in the Divine Plan, basically.

For instance:

It is thanks to pharmacy school that I actually got into typology. On our first day, they gave us a test and I got ISFJ. I didn't think much of it for the next week. Then I saw my friend on fb posting all these things about INTJs. I was curious, so I tested myself several more times and started reading up on things and I realized: Nooo.... I wish I was a Sensor, but my propensity is for the big picture.

While I have to thank the school for being my gateway into typology and providing that blessing in disguise, I have to admit they really have a crappy understanding of things. My professor:

"I'm a Thinker so I make decisions based on how I Think. My wife's a Feeler so she makes decisions based on how she Feels."

Man, googling "facepalm" and trying to pick which one to use was the hardest decision EVER.

But that's like criticizing one's elementary school teacher for not knowing how to solve differential equations. MBTI in general was a stepping stone to greater things. I appreciate it for the connections it provided, but I don't dwell on it because it doesn't interest me very much, anymore.
 
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"Carrot or stick?"
"Trick question. I prefer neither."
I think I prefer both :p They lead us into new territory. The point isn't to catch the carrot, just to follow it.

Intellectualization without feeling is merely regurgitation, and feeling without intelligence is a trance. It's the "aha's!" and touchy feels that keep us alive. I think this is why, subconsciously, I always include pics and Youtube videos in my posts. I don't just want to make a point, I want to Convey it.

So the newborn baby is connected via the umbilical cord to the mother. The artist's techniques evolve, but are influenced by past experiences and work. Cultures advance, but their flavor carries echos of the past. People die, but their influence lives on in the others throughout their lives—children, work, ideas, etc.. That's why I think it's so important to spread ideas and not hold onto them. It's creating that ivory tower of elitism that fragments society, I think.
I agree with this and I like it. I think that there is power in cutting the cord but then Creating it too though. Realizing that perhaps we can fly away, but using personal responsibility to leave a bread crumb trail if we do.

I do totally agree that the idea should be incorporation though, and with your thoughts on connection vs. network. This is why what Michio Kaku is expressing leaves me somewhat hesitant. You don't want to create a giant cluster fuck and call it progress. A theocracy isn't a terrible thing. It's how one goes about defending it that either is or isn't dangerous.

"Yet dissonance gives way to something better
Each individual speaking free of fetter
That is the hope the Beast does bring
The ideal of having each one sing."
I really like that.

MBTI in general was a stepping stone to greater things. I appreciate it for the connections it provided, but I don't dwell on it because it doesn't interest me very much, anymore.
"Art is never finished, only abandoned" - DaVinci

If you've gotten what you feel you need to out of something, leave it, responsibly. Agreed.
 

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I think I prefer both :p They lead us into new territory. The point isn't to catch the carrot, just to follow it.
If the stick and carrot are metaphors for our personal, internal validation, then I'll agree :tongue:. When I study, for instance, it is the joy of learning itself that rewards me, not so much the grade I get for studying. For me, punishment and reward must have their roots in the inner world. Same goes for finding one's Center. While I don't mind external rewards/punishment, they have to mean something internally. Once I'm internally centered, then things like reading or paying attention come much easier and more naturally. Dunno if that makes sense. Focusing on external techniques (i.e., like reading slowly/quickly don't really work).

The other day, I missed my sister's call that she'd come to pick me up to run errands. I had been closing my eyes, lying on the floor, and trying to concentrate on breathing to find my Center. I had been having trouble focusing on anything and my mind kept wandering. Felt very out of sync. Anyways, she shows up at the house and I had accidentally fallen asleep. When I awoke, I was like: "Oh SHIT, I totally forgot!" So I grabbed all my stuff in about a minute and told her:

"Sorry about that. I was aligning my chakras."
"Ah, okay. No problem
."

I honestly have no idea what chakras really are, but my mind was aligned and centered, at any rate. The funny part is it was like this normal ass conversation: "Oh, jolly good. Just getting the ol' spiritual energy all synced up." My sister and I tend to be on the same wavelength, just intrinsically. It's one of those things where we know what the other is talking about even with just a movement of the eyes, a single word, or a smirk. Partners in crime. Maybe it's the shared Ni.

I was very synced up today, too. And I totally had "The Longest Time" stuck in my head all day, so thanks Veggie's cousin :laughing:.

I love driving, but I hate flying. I used to get really bad hypertension, and I forced myself to go to a mind over matter place on my last trip and look out the window the duration of the time. That was a rare moment of surrender, and I surprised myself by feeling completely peaceful by the end of it.
The funny thing is that once I am on the road or have entered the highway, I love it. It has to do with embracing the experience (surrender) more than anything else. I love feeling like the machine is an extension of my body and the movements become as natural as breathing. I've noticed that if I focus less on the speedometer and more on the feel of say, going into a curve on the highway, it's a much more organic experience.

Where I run into to problems is in regards to anticipation (i.e., the calm before the storm is more excruciating than the battle itself). Specifically, I've built up this paranoia over the years that every driver is a psychopath that just wants to run me over. There are so many things that can go wrong and are just outside of my control. And you know what it is? Expectation, which has the gall to demand guarantees. Well, I can't predict everything. The best I can do is embrace the experience while keeping a cool head and driving safely.

I like that you use the word "fascinating" in your dream of blind instruction following. My friend and I actually had a talk about that word not too long ago. She finds it insulting, like if it's given as a compliment what one is really saying is "you're fun to observe". We decided that the word "interesting" is much more flattering because there is an interactive quality to it. It doesn't bring to mind a caged animal at the zoo or Tinkerbell in a jar, lol.
Words have different temperatures and flavors, and I admit there are certain ones that tend to rankle me. That said, I generally find the context more relevant. For me, it's more about the tone in which someone says something moreso than word-choice. I'm actually pretty forgiving of word-choice if their spirit is in the right place. It's the same with, say, YOLO. If it's used in a flippant context (which unfortunately it usually is), then that's when I get the urge to smack the other person.

For instance, a friend often comments on my ideas with one-worded responses like "Interesting." For me, the most flattering response you can give me is one that shows your own thoughts on what I've said or sparks conversation. Creating dialogue is better than worshiping a monologue. For me, empty, one-worded superlatives like Interesting, Fascinating, or Cool are conversational suicide. Specifically, when it's the ONLY thing someone has to say. I don't mind compliments. I DO mind when those compliments exist in a vacuum (i.e.: Is that All you have to say???).

Words are most beautiful in relation to one another, just like people or chemical substances. A chemical without anything to react with is a static, unchanging, rigid entity. Words explode and ricochet off each other—resonating in a way that makes a sentence much, much more than the sum of its parts.

This is why I LOVE long, passionate responses, even if I can't comment on every piece of them, because it would get exceedingly messy (although a single, well thought-out paragraph is often nice, too).

Okay, so I can do this. My gut fix is 8, and yes, it is probably an attempt to regain control. I chewed over all night - do I just have this spoiled Scarlett O'Hara'ish, shrewish side to me? Am I a bad person?
Type 2's manipulative tendencies are, as Naranjo emphasizes, in the vein of "give-to-get." This can come in the form of flattery, the 2's "submissive" persona, or knowing just what emotional buttons to press to get the attention they need, but are too Prideful to admit to. I definitely get this when I stress arrow to 2. So if I'm feeling needy, I can manipulate people with *just* the right words to get a response out of them. Classic type 2, I think (although he's wise-ish to her game):


I think an 8 is more brash and up-front about getting what they want, because of the sadistic, dog-eat-dog tendency. I'd say Scarlett O'Hara is more 8-ish. Probably 8w7 sp/sx.

And without further ado, I will write whatever the hell I want:

Chapter I: Vacations

My favorite vacation ever was a drive up Highway 101 along the Pacific Coast, where we went from San Francisco all the way up to Seattle. I normally find road trips exceedingly boring, but the beauty of this one was seeing the OCEAN as a constant companion. It's utterly beautiful. Especially in the PNW where the weather is often cloudy and overcast. I love grey skies; I find them comforting. Part of this is because there is no substantial body of water where I live and it's a bit too sunny here, most of the time.

Incidentally, I think I will eventually want to live in the PNW, like Oregon or something. Near the Coast. Maybe a little outside of town, just so I'm far enough away from city lights to see the stars. I think I want to be a writer someday and a little place on the border between wilderness and civilization seems like a writer's haven.

Isn't that funny, though, how we often need to "get out" of our hometown, even though there are people around the world that would love to come to my neck of the woods? I mean, people LIVE in New York City and it's like: "OMG, why aren't you more excited about seeing the Empire State Building from where you live?" I don't think novelty is a bad thing. It helps us garner a new, refreshing perspective that can awaken us out of the stupor of day-to-day life. In a way, vacationing really is a way of attaining a higher plane of awareness. To "get outside our boxes" so the speak.

This is explored in Jacques Tati's delightful Playtime, where something innocuous like a roundabout can be seen as a Carnivalesque merry-go-round (beauty in the mundane):


I've been trying to capture this mentality: Being a tourist in one's own hometown. Walking down a street and seeing the echos of human life, for instance—wondering about how, say, a set of footprints got left in the sidewalk cement. There's a story there; perhaps the person who left them was in a hurry and didn't notice. Perhaps it was done on purpose. There is a strangeness and mystery to the mundane, once we truly open our eyes to it.

Like barber shop poles. Seriously, who came up with those? They're hypnotic and trippy. Or a fire hydrant. Or wondering how many pet alligators are currently lurking the sewers. Is there a secret race of Mole people right below the busiest of metropolises? Does the Pentagon secretly house evidence of extraterrestrial life???

A strong imagination can turn the dullest of activities into an enthralling yarn, like the Look Around You series (this is serious science, folks):


Chapter II: Psychic Vacationing with Salman Rushdie et al.

I don't really go on a lot of vacations, nor do I feel the need to, even though I do value the trips I have taken. They are always refreshing in some way, and help me appreciate Home. I think someday, I want to do serious traveling abroad and globe trekking. But for the moment, I'm more interested in traversing the inner world, imagination, fiction, theory, etc.. Vacationing within my brain.

There is a magic to language, once it sinks its claws into you. The words in a book are more like "trigger points" for me. Rather than merely describe events, a good story inspires the reader's own imagination. I've mentioned before that I have trouble reading. Maybe this is why I'm so self-conscious about my writing. I often wonder, for instance, whether I have trouble reading something because of my reading ability, or because the writer isn't very good.

Granted, I think most of it is on my shoulders—I need to become a more flexible reader. I can't very well blame Chaucer for writing the way he did (or the translator, lol)—the style of The Canterbury Tales is part of the flavor. This is why I think abridgement = Death. Abridging a work shirks the style in which a story is told; it is a bastardization, just like colorizing Casablanca or putting arms on the Venus de Milo.

My favorite author is Raymond Carver. His stories are utterly minimalistic, yet there is an emotional turbulence to the tiniest of gestures. His writing leaves me speechless:

“It's possible, in a poem or short story, to write about commonplace things and objects using commonplace but precise language, and to endow those things—a chair, a window curtain, a fork, a stone, a woman's earring—with immense, even startling power.”

I read Salman Rushdie's The Enchantress of Florence recently. It's hedonistic, opulent, and confusing because there are so many characters, time periods, etc.. And that is why I love it. It's shameless storytelling. There are stories within stories, more asides than you can possibly shake a stick at, and many of the characters have pseudonyms/aliases, adding to the confusion. But the idea and spirit of the whole thing is preserved through all the chaos.

Namely, the enchantment of Story and Language. They hold the looking glass up to our own conscious. In other words: Stories are meant to be reacted to or interacted with. They, like any other work of Art, are a mirror for the audience.
Stories may often be "fake," yet part of their power comes from invoking something from within the reader. It could be an emotion, a thought, a memory... whatever.

Stories, and specifically new beginnings, awaken us to a higher level of consciousness. They are the slap in the face that beseeches us to SEE. In The Enchantress of Florence, for instance, each story within a story forces us out of our comfort zones to embrace the unknown. It invokes an Inner Renaissance, essentially. The book even considers the New World as a higher plane of awareness of the World (i.e., discovery of the New World opened the eyes of mankind's conscious... partly because the Europeans have written most of history). Oooh, how about:

Old World: Ego/Id
New World: Superego

It's like what Bjork said:

It’s such a silly question—it’s like being theatrical is a crime. I don’t think it’s a crime. I think humans have always needed this. In rituals for thousands and thousands of years, they’ve put on shaman costumes and have had out-of-body experiences. I think there’s a need for the theatrical. It’s very organic and ancient and human. I don’t think it’s artificial.

I've also got Satanic Verses on the shelf, which I've wanted to read for ages. I'm a bit worried because people say you need to understand Islam pretty well to read it. Well, I see it as a good opportunity to learn about Islam, Muahaha...

Chapter III: 7 Deadly Sins with an Emphasis on Control Freaks (Featuring that Lil' Fucker Pride)


So this part will probably be kinda messy (I'm getting hungry and I really wanna eat dinner, drink fermented grape juice, and watch the X-files now, so I might not do this section justice). It has to do with what you said about Frollo in The Hunchback of Notre Dame as well as the manipulative tendencies of Type 2.

I actually saw Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me, for the first time, today. I think the TV show is Comic-tragic whereas the movie is Tragic-comic. David Lynch is just SO good at creating that atmosphere of unease coupled with intense, sensuous imagery—the emotional extremes that govern the landscape of the dream world... which moreover points to the unconscious, the id, and the shadow. There is that cheery, small-town vibe of innocence that is borderline satirical—and which is a mask for the primal urges beneath. There is actually a very Type 2 feel to the show: The flattering, good manners on the surface, with the selfish Me-Me-Me desires underneath.

I think the show is like a nice, light wine, whereas the movie is hard liquor. Loved that scene that echos Lady Macbeth—the father reprimands the daughter for having "dirty" hands, even though his real motive is power-assertion.

Type 2's vice is Pride. Considered the Original sin and the most serious of them all. I've been thinking about the 7 deadly sins and if we consider Pride as the Origin of all the rest, then each of the 6 "children" (Gluttony, Wrath, Envy, Lust, Avarice, and Sloth) are all in the service of Father Pride. I think the notion of all the Sins is centered around a sense of Entitlement—and moreover, that all our desires are our god-given Right. I tend to lean towards enneagram's approach: No Sin is more serious, but depends on the individual.

The sins center around the Expectation that we get what we Desire, essentially.

Dreams are not bad, though; it's how we react to them that counts. They can inspire us to do great things. But they can also be a trap or an obsession. When we become so caught up by the ideal, that we destroy reality in an attempts to recapture that "pure" ideal. Classic example (major league spoilers... you kinda need to see the whole movie, since I couldn't find the right clips):


Scottie is obsessed with the circumstances surrounding love (i.e., making her wear a particular dress, jewelry, hairstyle, etc. Even eating at a particular restaurant, etc.). He's attempting to manufacture some perfect set of circumstances in an attempt to "create" love, essentially. It's like the childish notion of give-to-get, really.

He's fixated not by love, but by the IDEA of love. It's terrifying because I've fallen in this trap myself—where the idea of something is more important than the thing itself. The whole premise is actually quite sick, on the psychological level. Damage to the psyche, especially to the extent like in Vertigo, is a cancer that persists and persists. What's terrifying is that Scottie is a pretty normal dude; he isn't really villainized like Frollo.

I'd say Scottie is a 4w3 sx/sp hardlining to 2 so much that he's even disintegrated to 8, lol—i.e., "You gotta wear your hair precisely like this, Judy. Screw your identity... this is for your own good."

OK, I probably could have written that last bit better, but my stomach says "no more for now.":angry:
 
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(Thanks all intelligent, kind, insightful, and sharing replies on this thread)

1.) Is there something that you've always wanted to do or have been interested in? Broadly, specifically, a journey, creation, vocation, etc?

Create. Whether in image, or word, it is my raison d'être.

2.) How did this show up in your childhood?

Ironically, just two weeks ago did I find the answer. My childhood room held the following: teal paint on the walls, my artwork carefully displayed, beloved books in a bookshelf. (And a cat, always cats!)

3.) Has anything/one served as an impetus in helping you to get started? Blessings in disguise, synchronicity, motivation, bizarre occurrences, revelations, etc?

I was almost always alone as a child, so no. The words in the books I read though...they created the strongest desire I've ever experienced: to do the same.

4.) What steps have you taken along your path?

BA in Journalism (so I could write for various public mediums: print, online, and broadcast), MA in Health Communications (so I could write and learn further in academia - the goal is a Ph.D.)

5.) Doubts. Nagging, pesky doubts. Do you have them?

ONLY when I listen to others. NEVER when I listen to my own counsel.
 
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You know what else is weird? I just know how to use certain words without even being able to say what their definition is. Same with idioms like "shake a stick at." Seriously, who comes up with that shit? English is such a crazy ass language. Love it.

edit: "Shake a stick at" (spoiler alert: nobody knows for sure).

There are some words that I ALWAYS mix up, however: Acme and Nadir... I always get those backwards in terms of meaning.

:frustrating:

Ironically, just two weeks ago did I find the answer. My childhood room held the following: teal paint on the walls, my artwork carefully displayed, beloved books in a bookshelf. (And a cat, always cats!)
Hey Dauntless, good to see you back :kitteh:.

Out of curiosity, are you a 3 wing or a 5 wing? I'm trying to decide whether this seems more 4w3 (presentation) or 4w5 (holding in).
 

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You know what else is weird? I just know how to use certain words without even being able to say what their definition is. Same with idioms like "shake a stick at." Seriously, who comes up with that shit? English is such a crazy ass language. Love it.

There are some words that I ALWAYS mix up, however: Acme and Nadir... I always get those backwards :frustrating:.

Hey Dauntless, good to see you back :kitteh:.

Out of curiosity, are you a 3 wing or a 5 wing? I'm trying to decide whether this seems more 4w3 (presentation) or 4w5 (holding in).
Definitely 5 wing, and thank you! :blushed::happy:
 
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