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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I have been pondering for some time how other INTJs view physical attraction in a mate. I have observed with many people that they will get accustomed over time to somebody's physical appearance and then become attracted as opposed to instant attraction. I have noticed this in particular with many NT types, especially other INTJs. I was wondering if this was due to a need for a cerebral connection where actual appearance tends to be of a lesser importance.

The points I would like to discuss are:

- Is there any correlation between MBTI and physical attraction?
- The importance of an intellectual connection.
- How important is somebody's physique to you?
- Could you be attracted to a person's mind and not their body, and still continue on a relationship... or vise versa?

Of course there will be a variety of things to take into consideration: Age, culture, gender, and for women menstruation (which can alter attraction dramatically).

Another observation an INTP friend and I made was the difference between Ni and Ne. Whilst online attraction Ni seems to need a lot less visual stimulus whilst Ne seems to need much more for there to be attraction. The INTP (Ne user) needed more photos of the other person to know if they are truly attracted whilst I as an INTJ (Ni user) needed much less. Whilst both types are prone to wanting a cerebral connection the difference between the functions is uncanny. Something else people may want to discuss.
 

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- Is there any correlation between MBTI and physical attraction?
No, people who are more physically attractive (which is more subjective than anything) wouldn't gravitate toward certain types. But if someone is more attractive, however, they might have more self-confidence than someone who thought themselves as ugly. For me, physical attraction is a mix of how people look and how people carries themselves.

I might be initially turned off if I find someone unattractive, but if I like them enough, it's something I get used to and might even grow to love.
 

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In thinking about this, I would hypothesize that cognitive functions should have an impact on perceptions of others, albeit not as large as cultural prescriptions of beauty. It seems to reason that those who are Se and Fe dominant would be more concerned about, or at least aware of societal norms of attractiveness and respond accordingly.

Perhaps an interesting thing to test would be the interaction of societal norms and cognitive function ordering? In other words, societal norms would have an impact for everyone; however, it would exert much stronger effects for an ESFJ than for an INTJ, for example.

We should see a difference between genders: men, on average, are more visual than women....not sure about age.

For me personally, physically attraction acts like a filter on who I would approach and who I wouldn't. Other important personality traits, for example intelligence, are the deciding factor on whether I would continue to see a person as attractive.

Not to derail the thread, but this begs the following question: is this the most effective way of finding a partner? Why is physical attraction so important when truly what we are seeking is companionship, understanding, and support?
 

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I can't think of a time when I was initially physically attracted to someone. I saw the idea of that kind of attraction extremely flawed. It was usually something they did or said which attracted me. As Hemo pointed out, it has always been a growing into the person and redeeming features will just emerge. Physical attraction is virtually none existent to begin with.

As soon as I lose respect for a person their physical features really don't excite me anymore as well.

Intellectual attraction has been been something I am attracted to but I have been misled in the past by smarts versus intellect versus emotional IQ too I guess.

I can't say this system is not without flaws though:


Basically all the guy needs to do is pretend to be wonderful whilst I pick up no clue whatsoever. By the time I figure it out I am off in the land of Fi and ascribing all these good things to them which are not there. Imagination takes over and then before I know it I have commited myself to a monster.....damn Fi.

Since recognising this pattern I take more measures now before giving into the dreaded Fi monster (no more NF types, I have strict cut off points now and a lot of observations before even nearing them) NFs are bad for me as it seems like I am forced into the role of the male in the relationship just by my thinking style.....yet I get punished for it like a bitch when they shrivel up into a little sack of emptiness and become spiteful for what they perceive that I did to them.

Attraction by any means is still fraught with issues it seems.
 

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I found competence, rather than confidence to cause attraction, maybe because it's harder to fake. Physical attraction in a visual context is in a different mental area, more like art in terms of appreciation. The only thing that has ever activated pursuable attraction for me is first being attracted intellectually. I need constant mental stimulation within my relationship to stay physically attracted. Also physical attraction to others has always turned off automatically when I am partnered.
 

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I am not easily attracted by anyones appearance. You have to mentally stimulate me to get my lasting attention in any way really. I find the few people I am closest to aren't generally considered even pretty.
 
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My views on this have changed as I've aged. When I was younger the initial attraction was purely physical -- the closer to magazine cover hotness, the more likely I was to become infatuated. Because of my shyness I rarely moved beyond distant admiration, though, to discover if my crush had something worth crushing over. The young men I met in class who didn't have that Apollo physique had to work harder to get my attention but I was always glad when they did. Their humor and intelligence made them beautiful to me.

As I've aged, physical attraction has become less about a body and more about confidence and carriage. Intelligence and eloquence are the most important attributes for me now. A witty turn of phrase will catch my attention faster than a chiseled chest. Add an easy smile and amused eyes and I'm hooked.

To continue a relationship, an intellectual and emotional connection is more important than a physical/sexual attraction.

In case someone is actually gathering statistical data, I am a 39yo white American female. I'm not addressing the menstruation question. Love ya Hemo but that's a bit too much to ask of me.:laughing:
 

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Why is physical attraction so important when truly what we are seeking is companionship, understanding, and support?
Well, it's a reflection of genes and habits, is it not? People will usually go for a mate with higher-quality genes and health by instinct and we see this in physical details. How symmetric a person's face is, whether their hair is greasy or not, even things like pheromones that affect us without us realizing it. People also seem to like that which is visually pleasing to them. Granted we all have preferences in this department.
 

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I'm quite detached from any lustful feelings that I have unless I've established a mental connection with a girl first. Insight into a girl's internal beauty is a prerequisite before an attraction to external beauty can develop. I can be attracted to someone's body and not mind, but the reverse would last longer is more of an impetus to pursue a relationship.

I don't think I have it in me to engage in casual sex without substantive affections being in place first. Sure horniness can make me believe otherwise at times, but if a fuck-buddy type of relationship was feasible I don't think I would have the integral fortitude. I could give in though if the body was that voluptuous, but guilt would be inevitable. Words over waistlines.

To offer up an anecdotal piece, my current limerence and I had accrued many hours of solid communication before I started realizing how beautiful she was. Looks are just a starting point and a person's true essence (thoughts, ideas, hobbies, MBTI, personality) alter perceptions exponentially.


I also think individual labido could be a factor to consider, and mine just happens to be quite low.
 

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Well, it's a reflection of genes and habits, is it not? People will usually go for a mate with higher-quality genes and health by instinct and we see this in physical details. How symmetric a person's face is, whether their hair is greasy or not, even things like pheromones that affect us without us realizing it. People also seem to like that which is visually pleasing to them. Granted we all have preferences in this department.
I think in this case, age is a factor. Specifically, I think where an individual is in the desire to procreate plays a part in whether or not conventional attraction is the impetus for approaching someone and in continuing a relationship.

As Tesseract indicates, a physically attractive mate is usually a sign of good health and good habits both of which are desirable in someone with whom you wish to have children. I'm done with the baby thing therefore physical appeal is unimportant to me. For the second half of my life I want a partner with whom I can have an entertaining conversation.
 

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This is an interesting line of question, and I've spent the last day or so considering it. By my own standards I would say I'm pretty shallow. I like a pretty face as much as most guys. However, considering my past relationships, the only one I ever had with someone that was attractive by most normal standards was also the worst. I was essentially an emotional crutch for her. There was nothing going on upstairs and and the number of lies I was told was beyond count. Barring my first relationship, and a FWB situation however, there was definately a connection that existed beyond the physical. I've never been involved with an NT temperament, so I can't say how this would affect things.

I'm in a job where I'm exposed to a lot of people, and as I live in a sub-tropical climate, summer means a lot of flesh is shown. It takes a lot to get my attention from a physical standpoint (or I have to be engaging in some Sensorial delights - drinking), and I'd say that the lack of a mental connection is something I've long sought out, without much success. The best relationships I've had were both with NF types, although neither was without it's hiccups. My libido seems to be rather low, but I'd suggest it may be due to a lack of stimulation.

I'm sure this is all rather disjointed, and I'll probably end up editing this quite a bit.
 

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Here's an outsider perspective of you all... If you don't mind that is.

I've noticed that it's definitely about integrity where you're concerned, and for you integrity is pretty much like physical beauty: you either have it or you don't. Because you're thinkers, however, it sometimes doesn't seem to occur to you to question people until the relationship doesn't feel right, and THEN you discover this person has no integrity. That's point non plus for you, over and done, and no amount of physical attraction/past affection would keep you there when you find that at a person's core there is nothing meaningful to you. Stop. Drop. Walk away.

Just an observation. Have a great day.
 

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- The importance of an intellectual connection.
- How important is somebody's physique to you?
Funny, both are not very important. I like my ENFJs soft, feeling, caring, nurturing side, how spontaneous she is, how funny, and the easy with with she makes friends. It's almost impossible not to like her. She also has very high moral standards, just like me. I have given up on intellectual connection - for the stuff that's truly relevant for me intellectually, the number of women who have heard of the subject and understand it is probably in the dozens - globally. Physical attraction isn't very important either. A sweet smile, that's basically it.
 

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Biologically I have no control over who I find I attractive to look at. If you "look" good to me, I'm attracted. However, I'm well aware it's purely physical, and can appreciate the visuals without further involvement. Conversely, if you don't immediately "look" good, but you can impress me with your mind and words, I will be just as uncontrollably sexually attracted. Further, I would have pursued you.

Fortunately, I've got it made. I'm happily married now for 15 years, hopelessly in love, physically, mentally, and most importantly in the heart. My ISFJ is relentlessly caring, attentive, doting, devoted, listens to my rambling about whatever epiphany I just had, understands I won't remember any birthdays, and is completely respectful of who I am, my needed space, and my quirks. I wish I could put a little bit of my wonderful relationship in a jar and pass it along to whoever needed it in their lives. I really do! When you find that one-true, you're hooked.

The ONLY time you'll ever get any emotion out of me is when I'm talking about my ISFJ. :laughing: So please pardon my briefly exposed under-belly.
 
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- Is there any correlation between MBTI and physical attraction?
- The importance of an intellectual connection.
- How important is somebody's physique to you?
- Could you be attracted to a person's mind and not their body, and still continue on a relationship... or vise versa?
1. Don't know
2. For me this is all what it counts
3. I don't seek perfection in a form
4. Yes
 

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- Is there any correlation between MBTI and physical attraction?
I doubt it.
- The importance of an intellectual connection.
This is VERY important to me, without this I will not be attracted to you, in order to get to my heart you have to get to my brains/mental/head/cerebral area, if you cannot do that, do not pass go, do not collect $200 dollars.
- How important is somebody's physique to you?
This is also VERY important to me, I must be attracted to you physically, if you are not attractive to me, it will not work at all, regardless if you are intelligent.

- Could you be attracted to a person's mind and not their body, and still continue on a relationship... or vise versa?
Hell fucking no.


Another observation an INTP friend and I made was the difference between Ni and Ne. Whilst online attraction Ni seems to need a lot less visual stimulus whilst Ne seems to need much more for there to be attraction. The INTP (Ne user) needed more photos of the other person to know if they are truly attracted whilst I as an INTJ (Ni user) needed much less. Whilst both types are prone to wanting a cerebral connection the difference between the functions is uncanny. Something else people may want to discuss.
I'm with the INTP on this one, I want to make sure shit is right before I jump into something, especially if it's online, so I check things out thoroughly, I'll be damned if I meet someone at the airport and they look like Chewbacca.


Recap: Physical attraction and mental attraction are both equally important to me, I have to have both, unfortunately that seems to be rare. I'm a very visual type of person as well as a very mental type of person, so those two things both turn me on, brains and beauty when combined is fucking awesome.
 

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If I may..another outsiders observations..
INTJ's can be passingly attracted , as can we all, and of course they have to be attracted to the physical appearance too, but real attraction seems to be a mental/emotional ease.
This ease seems to be hard for most INTJ's to acheive with just anyone..attraction creeps up slowly. Its the person, you chat to, share a joke with, the person who 'gets' you, the person who shows you over time that they are reliable and have interity and loyalty at their core. It creeps up on INTJ's ..the ease in the persons company, until its at the point when they no longer feel like an intrusion or a drain on your introversion.. a routine part of your life,.. a fixture and fitting, like a comfy chair or a hot water bottle, warm, and welcome, and not taxing on your brain, or your nerves.
Familiartiy, is attraction, lasting attraction, to some INTJ's I have observed.
Its a process, it doesnt happen overnight, thats why I agree that attraction is not often instataneous with you guys.
INTJ attraction is probably the most brutally honest there is,.. its hard won, and not easilly lost. I think INTJ's on the whole,..fall slowly...
G. x
 
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