Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 48 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Please help...I am an INFP in my 30s married to an ISTJ. I love my husband but I have developed a terrible habit of chatting online with men who just seem to "get" me so much more than my straight-forward husnand does. We go for weeks and weeks without sex, and even longer without having an intimate conversation. I admit my chatting is of a more sexual nature, and my husband would be absolutely shocked of he knew...

I want to stop, and I have tried and failed before...But with the new year coming, I want to make this new resolution...

What is the best way for an INFP to stick to a resolution? Please give some words of advice? I want to be a good wife, it's just that I feel so needy sometimes...

Thanks for your help....
soulmatters
 

·
Banned
ENFJ — sx/so — 2w3 7w6 9w8: The Peacekeeper
Joined
·
4,399 Posts
The notion that someone could actually know you over the internet is childish. I'd say your first step would be to actually talk to your husband about it, as that's what adults do.
 
  • Like
Reactions: angularvelocity

·
Registered
Joined
·
716 Posts
I'm gonna be as straight-forward as I can: your relationship with your husband doesn't quite sound like a healthy, good one. I don't know the details of your relationship, but what you mention about it sounds a little depressing. My guess is that the addiction is caused by your yearning for intimacy with your husband.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,202 Posts

·
Banned
Joined
·
14,865 Posts
You want something that you aren't getting from him. This isn't ocd or any of that bullshit. Its pretty simple. You need to come clean with him and let him know what you want, if you want to make this work. It will also take some compromise, I'm sure - but if you want it to work out, you need to take what he can offer you, and accept that as what you'll get. It will take some work on his part too of course. But, thats what its about when you partner up - mutual compromise and a willingness to work it out. Keeping this secret from him should also be eating you up inside, and thats got to be a shitty feeling. Stop playing around, and tell him whats up, srsly.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,202 Posts
Yeah I have to add too: just talk to your hubby! Take him out for dinner. Dance with him. Arrange a bodypainting session :laughing: :laughing:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
182 Posts
I will try my best here.
What you need to do is first address your husband about the state of your relationship. Tell him about what is wrong with it on your end.


A long term relationship needs to hold no secrets I say. For it to work and be everlasting, it needs to be an open book. I understand you might not want to out right tell him about your online habits out the gate, but the first step is to be straight-forward about how you feel about how he is doing his part in this relationship. Your relationship does not sound very good from you perspective, but I hate to judge it based on that alone since its not like I get to hear both sides of this. One poster, suggested that your online habits are filling an empty void. I should have thought of that myself, but I was too caught up with the main theme of your issue. Just tell him how you feel emotionally, and how you feel its effecting the integrity of your relationship.

The notion that someone could actually know you over the internet is childish. I'd say your first step would be to actually talk to your husband about it, as that's what adults do.

Very true. Who knows what they could be like in reality or when the novelty of this wears off. Online personalities seem a bit different. Anyway, I may be no counselor on the subject, but I like helping people and their problems if I have any solutions or advice so your welcome.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
13,780 Posts
I'm gonna be as straight-forward as I can: your relationship with your husband doesn't quite sound like a healthy, good one. I don't know the details of your relationship, but what you mention about it sounds a little depressing. My guess is that the addiction is caused by your yearning for intimacy with your husband.
<.< yeah what Milky said.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Yes, I am really yearning for that closeness and intimacy. I have tried and told my husband of my needs, but he just is not one to open up and express himself...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thank you so much, I do have OCD in my background and that may be a factor and this is something I have done secretly for years. It is the only inner emotional life that I have, you have no idea. My husband does not communicate at all. I know it is a two-way street and I need to try harder...that's why I wanted to seek help. I will check out the blog, thank you...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
"It will also take some compromise, I'm sure - but if you want it to work out, you need to take what he can offer you, and accept that as what you'll get."

Wow, that is wonderful advice...I think THAT is really what I need to come to terms with...that I need to accept what he can offer and be happy with that I guess...but it's hard imagining other more romantic pastures in my infp mind...
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
14,865 Posts
"It will also take some compromise, I'm sure - but if you want it to work out, you need to take what he can offer you, and accept that as what you'll get."

Wow, that is wonderful advice...I think THAT is really what I need to come to terms with...that I need to accept what he can offer and be happy with that I guess...but it's hard imagining other more romantic pastures in my infp mind...
Maybe if you let him know whats up, how bad its gotten, he will realize its pretty serious and that he does need to initiate more, and give you a bit more. You could both look into ways to liven it up a bit. Maybe you haven't expressed the extent of how much it bothers you?

Anyway, I think that cheating can be in the mind, and that its not just physical. If what you are doing would hurt him, its not right for the relationship. :/

Also, this is really going to mess up the trust, and thats something thats nearly impossible to repair when its gone.

Do you think you could be subconsciously sabotaging it? Because if you know its him you want to stay with, then you need to just cut all this out.

Anyway, I hope it works out for both of you. I think marriage is to be taken seriously.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,603 Posts
The ISTJ's on this forum are very helpful and friendly. I have learned so much about the ISTJs in my life from getting to know the people at PerC a little bit. I would suggest going to that section and reading many of the threads that are already there about how ISTJs function, how to get them to open up to you, how to communicate with them, I believe there's even a topic on INFP/ISTJ relationships already. It may even help you not feel so alone. Intimacy seems to be an issue with ISTJs in general and they discuss it openly. If you don't find helpful answers perhaps you could even start this topic over in the ISTJ section. They will likely be able to help you figure out the best way to approach your husband about this problem and the concerns in your relationship. I was a little nervous at first about posting over there...but I've been treated with nothing but kindness and respect...so don't be afraid. :happy: I wish you the best with this situation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18 Posts
Thank you so much, I do have OCD in my background and that may be a factor and this is something I have done secretly for years. It is the only inner emotional life that I have, you have no idea. My husband does not communicate at all. I know it is a two-way street and I need to try harder...that's why I wanted to seek help. I will check out the blog, thank you...
I have been through something similar and am a sex writer (advice and such), so if you want to talk or vent PLEASE feel free to msg. me. I know exactly how you feel. I'm not a licensed therapist or anything, but definitely know where you're coming from. <3 Either way, hope things work out for you and hubby.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,999 Posts
Did you not marry the man knowing who he was? If he was good enough for you then, why is he not good enough for you now? I mean, has he changed? It seems the problem is really with you, sneaking around doing things behind his back, not satisfied with the life you chose for yourself.

ISTJs can be pretty die hard romantics, but they also have to feel appreciated by their partners, too, and sometimes they can get stuck in these ruts and forget about everything else, and they need somebody who likes more variety to sort of nudge them out of those ruts, gently, balancing their lives. Or that's just what I've noticed.
 
1 - 20 of 48 Posts
Top