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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have knew him for a long time before we got married. We haven't been married for long. One night he is making a romantic candle dinner for me in apology for not spending enough time with me. The next day he doesn't understand why I want to spend more time with him. If i talk about anything negative, about myself or him he shuts down, pushes me away, and wont talk anymore. I want to get through issues, but he refuses to allow that they even exist. He says my emotions aren't logical, but can give no explanation for his own. He will just say "I am frustrated" but he wont know the reason why. He is okay getting angry and annoyed when he doesn't understand my emotions, but he thinks I shouldn't be upset when I don't understand his. Someone please tell me what is going on! Is he already tired of married life, or is his idea of marriage more of just living with someone? He was a lot more open about his feelings before we were married.
 

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Okay, not an ISTP, so you guys can feel free to correct me, if this doesn't make sense.....

When these conflicts come up, how are they presented to him? Do you ask him things like "why don't you spend time with me?" or something more concrete like "Hey do you want to (insert suggestion here)?" I find vague statements may put my ISTP husband on the defense. When he does something you DO like, encourage him by saying how much you enjoyed it/appreciate it/him etc, but don't contrast it to his previous behavior, ("why can't you do this more often?" or something) because then, his mind will probably think"being attacked - go to deffense mode!" and pull away again. It would seem most ISTPs hate arguments/drama, unless there are no emotions involed and they're just trying to give each other a hard time in fun...though for my husband even that's too much drama. :tongue:

Also, since you're an ENTJ you may want to spend more time with him (and others in general) than he's accustomed to. He's introverted so he does need his alone time. It'll recharge him and make him feel energized and more enjoyable to be around, so it's give and take. You can let him know it's something you need, but acknowlege what he needs to so he can tell you're seeing his side too.
 

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Give him space and respect that space. Then you can talk to him about whatever problem there is when he comes back.

Think of him like a dragon. Would you want to talk to dragon that's upset or would you rather wait until it's calm? Which would provide better results? (Forget the fact that dragons are mythological and probably wouldn't talk anyway.)
 

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Give him space and respect that space. Then you can talk to him about whatever problem there is when he comes back.

Think of him like a dragon. Would you want to talk to dragon that's upset or would you rather wait until it's calm? Which would provide better results? (Forget the fact that dragons are mythological and probably wouldn't talk anyway.)
I like this one...RAWR I am a dragon! :p
 

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He probably spent a lot of his energy on setting up the romantic dinner that night and got exhausted the next day? Then he needs some alone time to recharge. The alone time requires silence and no communication usually for a day or two. To an ISTP, even explaining their feelings take out a lot of his energy. He might not be tired of the marriage. When he's ready to talk again, maybe you can start asking him.

I hope this helps a little. Don't take it word for word though. Good luck!
 

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If i talk about anything negative, about myself or him he shuts down, pushes me away, and wont talk anymore.
This will sound frivolous, but could you give us an example, and what his responding body language was? Its possible he has nothing to say. My brother broke off his engagement because he and his fiance seemed to only bring each other down. There was nothing happy anymore, and all they wanted was to be able to come to one another for their problems; but that in itself seemed to cause issues as well.


I want to get through issues, but he refuses to allow that they even exist.

In my experience with ENTJ females, they believed something to be wrong when I did not feel the same way. Sorta like a grudge against themselves. We take things a day at a time, ya'll are big time intuitives, so you might not understand why we're so forgiving. She thought I was always mad at her or didn't like her, but that just wasn't the case.

Socionics has this to say:

"Because B naturally does not understand what it is that A wants from them, this may irritate A, who thinks that B simply does not want to understand. "

in this case, ISTP is A and ENTJ is B.

He says my emotions aren't logical, but can give no explanation for his own.
Just remember that everyone makes perfect sense to themself, especially an ISTP. When an ISTP thinks about something and analyzes a situation, its because they're searching for a solution. And 90% of the time we solve it correctly (unless we made some miscalculation). That is why an ISTP will refuse that they're wrong when they firmly believe what they say is right. We are unbiased 100%. When it comes to communication, you must ask many many questions as to why it makes sense to your ISTP.

He is okay getting angry and annoyed when he doesn't understand my emotions, but he thinks I shouldn't be upset when I don't understand his.
Right there. Please try to understand, he is very different from you, as you're opposites. If the two of you have an argument, he will be perfectly ready to move on the next day as if nothing ever happened. Until you understand this, you will never understand why he says what he says.

On the contrary, he needs to understand WHY your emotions are the way they are. Right now the two of you don't understand how each other think. Ask him his thought process, explain your thought process to him. Both of you have very weak F, so it is going to be difficult to understand yourselves oftentimes. It will simply require more effort to analyze yourselves.

I hope this explained some things.
 

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He probably spent a lot of his energy on setting up the romantic dinner that night and got exhausted the next day? Then he needs some alone time to recharge. The alone time requires silence and no communication usually for a day or two. To an ISTP, even explaining their feelings take out a lot of his energy. He might not be tired of the marriage. When he's ready to talk again, maybe you can start asking him.

I hope this helps a little. Don't take it word for word though. Good luck!
YES. This is also crucial. I'm not sure how I missed it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
He probably spent a lot of his energy on setting up the romantic dinner that night and got exhausted the next day? Then he needs some alone time to recharge. The alone time requires silence and no communication usually for a day or two. To an ISTP, even explaining their feelings take out a lot of his energy. He might not be tired of the marriage. When he's ready to talk again, maybe you can start asking him.

I hope this helps a little. Don't take it word for word though. Good luck!
A day or two?!?! wow. I think part of the problem might be that there are people where he works. by the time he comes home, he might be exhausted from all that communication and not really feel like talking. I on the other hand feel like if we don't talk for probably 2 hrs a day that we are drifting apart. He isnt too strong on the I, closer to the middle, but still an introvert. To tell the truth, i cant even comprehend no communication for an hour much less a day. This may be harder then I thought.
 

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Another possible reason:

ISTPs use Fe which has something to do with sympathy:
"Often with this process, we feel pulled to be responsible and take care of others’ feelings, sometimes to the point of not separating our feelings from theirs." - Extraverted Feeling

http://personalitycafe.com/infj-forum-protectors/15083-infj-blocking-other-peoples-emotions.html has INFJs discussing sympathy.. I'm guessing ISTPs could have similar problems if they try to use their inferior N and F functions too much.

He feels bad because you feel bad. He thinks the feelings he is experiencing are his own but he can't find any logical reason for them - ergo frustration. Or even if he knows they aren't his own feelings, he doesn't know the reasoning behind them so he's trying to use his intuition to guess. Maybe it will help if you identify what you are feeling and why and tell him.

If he doesn't know already, he also needs to know 1. Just because he feels something it's not necessarily his own feelings. 2. Just because he can sense someone's feelings, it doesn't mean he is responsible for those feelings.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
This will sound frivolous, but could you give us an example, and what his responding body language was? Its possible he has nothing to say. My brother broke off his engagement because he and his fiance seemed to only bring each other down. There was nothing happy anymore, and all they wanted was to be able to come to one another for their problems; but that in itself seemed to cause issues as well.

In my experience with ENTJ females, they believed something to be wrong when I did not feel the same way. Sorta like a grudge against themselves. We take things a day at a time, ya'll are big time intuitives, so you might not understand why we're so forgiving. She thought I was always mad at her or didn't like her, but that just wasn't the case.

Socionics has this to say:

"Because B naturally does not understand what it is that A wants from them, this may irritate A, who thinks that B simply does not want to understand. "

in this case, ISTP is A and ENTJ is B.



Just remember that everyone makes perfect sense to themself, especially an ISTP. When an ISTP thinks about something and analyzes a situation, its because they're searching for a solution. And 90% of the time we solve it correctly (unless we made some miscalculation). That is why an ISTP will refuse that they're wrong when they firmly believe what they say is right. We are unbiased 100%. When it comes to communication, you must ask many many questions as to why it makes sense to your ISTP.

Right there. Please try to understand, he is very different from you, as you're opposites. If the two of you have an argument, he will be perfectly ready to move on the next day as if nothing ever happened. Until you understand this, you will never understand why he says what he says.

On the contrary, he needs to understand WHY your emotions are the way they are. Right now the two of you don't understand how each other think. Ask him his thought process, explain your thought process to him. Both of you have very weak F, so it is going to be difficult to understand yourselves oftentimes. It will simply require more effort to analyze yourselves.

I hope this explained some things.
You are right about him not having something to say. Sometimes he will not respond, or even answer questions if he doesn't have something to say, or is thinking. I view this as ignoring and deliberate meanness.

As for the negative, upon further discussion with him, he says its when I dwell too long on negative things. I guess he just wants me to mention it, and let it sink in for a couple of days before mentioning it again. Once I find a problem, I want to resolve it and move on. Which means talking about that negative thing for a lengthy period of time, other wise it would probably consume my thoughts until it was resolved. Is there a good way to resolve conflict with an ISTP without making it worse by upsetting him?
 

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:p I was talking about the comment by "The Elite Zebra" About being a dragon. He is my husband btw.
:crazy:

This must be quite the interesting conversation for him.

Step "into the rrrrroom", laddy! Make yerrrrself hearrrrd.

You are right about him not having something to say. Sometimes he will not respond, or even answer questions if he doesn't have something to say, or is thinking. I view this as ignoring and deliberate meanness.

As for the negative, upon further discussion with him, he says its when I dwell too long on negative things. I guess he just wants me to mention it, and let it sink in for a couple of days before mentioning it again. Once I find a problem, I want to resolve it and move on. Which means talking about that negative thing for a lengthy period of time, other wise it would probably consume my thoughts until it was resolved. Is there a good way to resolve conflict with an ISTP without making it worse by upsetting him?
Think about it this way. If he has nothing to say, what do you want him to say? :mellow: My wife (INFP) will sometimes look at me after an Fi-dom induced story and say "what, you got nothin'?". "No, not really." I'm not ignoring her or trying to be mean to her, I just either don't have anything to say or don't know what to say at that moment because I need time for Ti to do its job. That's why I need to go to my dragon cave and shut the door. If one were to follow me and push a subject, they might get burned...possibly severely. I have my limits, even with the people I love.

And yes, not talking or listening for an hour is divine. All day is a little boring, though. My wife's a chatter box, though, so there's no worries about that. I frequently spend my alone-time while she's asleep.
 

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A day or two?!?! wow. I think part of the problem might be that there are people where he works. by the time he comes home, he might be exhausted from all that communication and not really feel like talking. I on the other hand feel like if we don't talk for probably 2 hrs a day that we are drifting apart. He isnt too strong on the I, closer to the middle, but still an introvert. To tell the truth, i cant even comprehend no communication for an hour much less a day. This may be harder then I thought.
We have a breakthrough!

Ever hear the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder?"

Well in this scenario i suppose its true.
 

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A day or two?!?! wow. I think part of the problem might be that there are people where he works. by the time he comes home, he might be exhausted from all that communication and not really feel like talking. I on the other hand feel like if we don't talk for probably 2 hrs a day that we are drifting apart. He isnt too strong on the I, closer to the middle, but still an introvert. To tell the truth, i cant even comprehend no communication for an hour much less a day. This may be harder then I thought.
He doesnt. Thats probably going to be the hardest part to get your head around with. While most E's want to talk atleast for a few hours, we are content with utter silence for weeks on end and if denied of atleast some recharge time you might notice him being grumpy.
 

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I on the other hand feel like if we don't talk for probably 2 hrs a day that we are drifting apart.
I would want to slit my wrists after the second day.

I know. I'm married to an ENFJ.

At the very least, here are a few tips to make it less of a horror for him:

Before you tell him your 2 hour long story filled full of irrelevant details, give him a 2-3 sentance executive summary on what you are about to try and tell him about so he at least has a chance to follow it.

Most of the time, your story isn't going to have a point. You just need to talk for some reason. Warn him there isn't going to be a point to it before hand so he doesn't spent all his energy trying to figure the point to your epic out.
 

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At the very least, here are a few tips to make it less of a horror for him:

Before you tell him your 2 hour long story filled full of irrelevant details, give him a 2-3 sentance executive summary on what you are about to try and tell him about so he at least has a chance to follow it.

Most of the time, your story isn't going to have a point. You just need to talk for some reason. Warn him there isn't going to be a point to it before hand so he doesn't spent all his energy trying to figure the point to your epic out.
Now that's blunt. Made my day. ;-)
 

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Now that's blunt. Made my day. ;-)
I know I've said it before, but I swear to god it's true...

"I had a 5 minute meeting with my boss today. Now I'm going to tell you about it for the next 3 hours."

<shudder>
 
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