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I have a question for ISFJ men, please help me!

About a month ago, I met an ISFJ guy for a blind date and the attraction was incredible. I asked him if he was genuinely single (had previously asked by email) and he said he was.

We met up again and started a sexual relationship. The next day, he texted me while I was at work (couldn't believe that) and told me that he was falling for me so wanted to be honest - he had been seeing someone for a year but it was "casual".

I told him I wasn't interested unless he was single and asked him why he'd said he was. He said there was a "connection" between us and "strong feelings" and he'd wanted to explore that more before admitting he'd been seeing someone. He also said he'd been unhappy for a while, there were arguments, they hadn't had sex for a long time etc. He saw it as casual, she thought it was a real relationship.

After much negotiation, I agreed to meet him for drinks/dinner if there was no physical contact and would not be able to go any further while he was still seeing anyone.

A week later, he ended it with her. I was quite surprised to be honest, I never thought he'd do it. We met up afterwards and slept together again. The next day (!) he texted to say she'd sent him a long list of reasons they shouldn't split up and landed on his doorstep with a "spiel". He said (and has repeated since) "she says she's not letting go". Like that's relevant!

He says they have split up but she's asked him to reconsider so he's taking some time out to do that. Apparently she was distraught and that upset him a lot so he needs time to recover from the emotional trauma. That was 3 weeks ago. He has contacted me every day since we met. I have no idea whether he's been in contact with his previous girlfriend, somehow I imagine so especially if "she's not letting go".

He's now on holiday for 10 days and I imagine he'll have to make a decision when he's back.

I don't get any of this at all. If I want to end it with someone, I end it. If I want to be with someone, I'm with them and I don't mess them about. I can't believe this stuff about falling for me, deep feelings etc - if that was true, why the hesitation?

I also don't understand why he cheated instead of ending it with her first before looking around - he'd joined a dating site which is where he met me. Thought ISFJs didn't cheat?

I'm worried that if we do ever get together, he'll cheat on me too. When I've said that to him, he said the way he feels about me is totally different and he wouldn't cheat. In that case, why is he reconsidering getting back together with her and leaving me hanging?

Can anyone shed any light on this because I really don't understand the thinking and feeling behind it. Thank you
 

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a very good friend of mine of 30 years is ISFJ and is never satisfied with one woman thinking there is always some one better suited for him, he is a satyromaniac [male version of nymphomaniac] he is of a unhealthy tri type. I have had in depth discussions about this with him many times to no avail and I am the only person he listens to, my advice is to severe all ties with him and don't look back for he WILL NOT CHANGE it is a compulsion
 

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Thanks Vinniebob - I see you're an INTJ like me. I really need to understand the ISFJ point of view - can't relate to it at all. My theory is that he doesn't think just reacts emotionally to whoever he's with at the time. When he's with her and she's upset, that's the be-all and end-all; when he's with me and feeling whatever(?) that's the priority at that time.

You've described the mentality of your friend feeling he's settling and there's someone better out there. I've found *a lot* of people are like this. I'm probably like it myself.
 

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I assume no ISFJ's have posted yet because this seems really rare of an ISFJ to do haha. Personally, I'm a very loyal person, so I don't think I'd ever act like your ISFJ. However, I may have some ideas why he's so hesitant with you and his previous girlfriend. I think a lot of ISFJs get attached very quickly, and it's fairly difficult to truly let go of people we used to love. He may still keep thinking of those old feelings for his ex girlfriend, but still loves the way you make him feel. It's probably causing a huge war in his head.

But as a person, I say continuing a relationship with this guy is a HUGE waste of time. You're in or you're out right? It'd probably be best to just get out. If you're worried he's going to cheat on you like he did with his girlfriend, that feeling isn't going to go away if he decides to be with you. Save yourself the drama and anxiety and find someone who's faithful and treats women right.
 

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Thanks Earthtopaige. That is what seems to be happening. He says she won't let go but I think he isn't letting go.

He was trying to get me into bed before he split up with her and I told him he had to finish it first. He said as far as he was concerned it was over, he'd been planning to end it for a while. I said that as far as I was concerned and she was concerned, he was still in a relationship with her till he ended it. So at that point, in his head it was over...

Then when he got the long letter from her and she turned up and cried all over him, it seemed to rake up old feelings.

You're right though, I believe you're in or out so it's refreshing to hear an ISFJ say it! As I said to him, I don't want to be second choice or even a close first.

Thank you
 

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I have a question for ISFJ men, please help me!

About a month ago, I met an ISFJ guy for a blind date and the attraction was incredible. I asked him if he was genuinely single (had previously asked by email) and he said he was.

We met up again and started a sexual relationship. The next day, he texted me while I was at work (couldn't believe that) and told me that he was falling for me so wanted to be honest - he had been seeing someone for a year but it was "casual".

I told him I wasn't interested unless he was single and asked him why he'd said he was. He said there was a "connection" between us and "strong feelings" and he'd wanted to explore that more before admitting he'd been seeing someone. He also said he'd been unhappy for a while, there were arguments, they hadn't had sex for a long time etc. He saw it as casual, she thought it was a real relationship.

After much negotiation, I agreed to meet him for drinks/dinner if there was no physical contact and would not be able to go any further while he was still seeing anyone.

A week later, he ended it with her. I was quite surprised to be honest, I never thought he'd do it. We met up afterwards and slept together again. The next day (!) he texted to say she'd sent him a long list of reasons they shouldn't split up and landed on his doorstep with a "spiel". He said (and has repeated since) "she says she's not letting go". Like that's relevant!

He says they have split up but she's asked him to reconsider so he's taking some time out to do that. Apparently she was distraught and that upset him a lot so he needs time to recover from the emotional trauma. That was 3 weeks ago. He has contacted me every day since we met. I have no idea whether he's been in contact with his previous girlfriend, somehow I imagine so especially if "she's not letting go".

He's now on holiday for 10 days and I imagine he'll have to make a decision when he's back.

I don't get any of this at all. If I want to end it with someone, I end it. If I want to be with someone, I'm with them and I don't mess them about. I can't believe this stuff about falling for me, deep feelings etc - if that was true, why the hesitation?

I also don't understand why he cheated instead of ending it with her first before looking around - he'd joined a dating site which is where he met me. Thought ISFJs didn't cheat?

I'm worried that if we do ever get together, he'll cheat on me too. When I've said that to him, he said the way he feels about me is totally different and he wouldn't cheat. In that case, why is he reconsidering getting back together with her and leaving me hanging?

Can anyone shed any light on this because I really don't understand the thinking and feeling behind it. Thank you
Are you sure he is ISFJ? I think that being ISFJ can not 100 percent guarantee that a person is faithful or genuine.

To be honest ISFJ is decribed as hard to move on after a relationship falls. The thing could keep him back to his previous fgirl might be his good memories/moments with her. I am not sure that does he tend to date attractive girls? or he found you attractive?
I read your story and I think both of you went too fast. The positive thing is he really has interest for you. He can contact all days and even told you that he had another girl in his sight ( if he concealed this thing, it would be much worse for you.) I am not sure that he was falling for you because he was looking another girl to replace his ex (to make his life brighter) of because he trully likes you. The bad thing is maybe he cannot let his ex go. You should tell him what you are thinking now and let him make decision. If he want to continue with you say that he should stop care for his ex and let her go. Also warn him that you need a serious relationship (a long term one) so do not cheat or find another girl if he choose you. If he does no choose you, let him go. Do not force him to choose. Give him time (maybe several days) to consider.

I think you really like this guy but you maybe jealous or over reacted. Just keep things go slowly and normally. You may have failure and lose hope inthe past but to make a relationship working, trust is a must for both of you. If he indeed a cheater, let him go and do not afraid to keep you happy without this guy.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Thanks SnowSun, that's all good advice.

He's definitely ISFJ. He sent me his percentages from the test and none of them are borderline.

I think he's feeling obligated to this girl because they were together a year and he feels guilty that she's upset. But yes, it also sounds like she reminded him of the good stuff they had together, he said she made some good points in her very long letter.

I've been very open about everything I think, feel and want. I haven't asked him to choose but I've said nothing can happen between us unless he's single.

At one point, I told him that if he's reconsidering getting back together with his ex, contact with me would harm that so it would be best to stop contact for a while. I also told him that I would like to find a real relationship so I would be looking. He got really over-the-top upset at that and said he couldn't believe I could move on so quickly. But he was never my boyfriend, I never had anything real with him.

He's on hols now so I'll see where we are when he gets back. He may well get back with his ex when he's back but he split with her over three weeks ago now. If I wanted to get back with someone, I'd never leave it that long! But then I know what I want and I don't think he does.

You're right, I do really like him but TBH if he messes me around again when he gets back I'll be ready to walk away.

Thanks again :)
 

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That is extremely odd ISFJ behavior. Maybe he's under some sort of stress and "in the grip" (I think that's what I've heard it called when you're stuck in an inferior function behavior). As far as relationship advice, I'd say don't waste your time, but then again there is nothing in this entire world that would make me behave like that. I have to be completely done with one relationship before I even start thinking about anyone else like that.
 

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He doesn't sound anything like ISFJ, he sounds more like an xxFP of some sort.

I seemed to see lots of Fi in him, the way he always followed and remained true to his own emotions without taking into factor the feelings of the people around him. If he is an Fe type ISFJ, he would make decisions based on the people around him, and not make decisions based on his own feelings.
 

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Thanks guys. I still can't make him out. He is under a lot of pressure caring for people at home and at work and works very long and unsociable hours, getting by on very little sleep and his body clock all over the place.
His previous girlfriend now seems completely out of the picture. It's 6 weeks since they split up and he is not back with her. But he is now withdrawing from me. Used to contact every day, now it's every other day.
He's gone from saying he has feelings for me and wants more to saying now he only wants a physical relationship and his lifestyle doesn't allow for more than that.
At this point I am completely fed up and about to walk away. We have a date for an event next week that's been in the diary for a while. If it wasn't for that I'd walk away now but bought his ticket as a gift and don't want to take that back.
Thank you everyone for all your help and advice. Hopefully I have learned my lesson and won't make the same mistake again.
 

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Thanks guys. I still can't make him out. He is under a lot of pressure caring for people at home and at work and works very long and unsociable hours, getting by on very little sleep and his body clock all over the place.
His previous girlfriend now seems completely out of the picture. It's 6 weeks since they split up and he is not back with her. But he is now withdrawing from me. Used to contact every day, now it's every other day.
He's gone from saying he has feelings for me and wants more to saying now he only wants a physical relationship and his lifestyle doesn't allow for more than that.
At this point I am completely fed up and about to walk away. We have a date for an event next week that's been in the diary for a while. If it wasn't for that I'd walk away now but bought his ticket as a gift and don't want to take that back.
Thank you everyone for all your help and advice. Hopefully I have learned my lesson and won't make the same mistake again.

I am curious I know this is post is form 2014. Are you allowed to share his first name? Sounds so much like my sons father. We met in 2016 and everything you shared is like PTSD for me right now.
 

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1. Any encounter that begins with sex that quickly, is likely to fail. Calling what you experienced a "relationship" is quite frankly ridiculous. It takes a lot of time,conversation and commitment to develop a real relationship. What you had was a hook-up on the sly with a side chick too naive to know she was been played and used.
2. Happy people don't leave. Ever. If you were a priority, he would make you just that. A priority. You deserve better than a poor excuse of a man who only wants to use your body and has no interest in who you are as a person.
 

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IMO, Cheating is a learned behavior. If your "ISFJ" is cheating, and know it for a fact, you can rest assured he/she didn't pick it up by osmosis; they learned it from being exposed to someone in his/her immediate family circle. Again, It's not a fact. It's just one man's humble opinion.
 
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