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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Why would an ENFJ male completely & deliberately ignore a female? I had a very awkward experience this weekend with a former co-worker who knew I was sitting about 25 feet away from him with nothing & no one in between us. He just positioned himself in a way so that his head was behind a pole as if I couldn't see him. I did not go over to greet him because he made it very obvious he did not want to talk with me. It got even more uncomfortable when his friends came over to sit with him & yelled over to me to say 'hello', but he still acted like I was not there. Do you know why that might be?

This is the second time he acts that way. The last time I saw him we were in the same place getting something to eat & from my peripheral vision I caught him hiding behind his wife so that I would not see him? I have never chased him down or anything & we have never had an argument. I'm an INTJ so it's not like I'm a big talker that he's trying to avoid. I'm just a bit confused by it. Do you all have any theories?
 

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Gosh, there could be a million reasons for such behaviour...it would help to know more about your history with this former co-worker :happy:

One thing that happens to me is that people see me, but I don't notice them...often I'm in some state of half-meditation or insane focus and zone out a bit. Plus I meet a lot of people, meaning I'm prone to forgetting names and faces and not recognising someone at all :confused: Of course I don't intentionally mean to be rude, it just happens that way :) Are you one hundred percent sure he is doing this deliberately?
 

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When I read that, I got a sudden mental image of him grabbing his wife and then pulling her in front of him whilst crouching :p

Erm... I actually have a very hard time imagining someone deliberately positioning themselves in such a way that a pole just obscures their head. That would take quite a bit of premeditation and close analysis/visualization of their POV to pull off... so unless he came up to you and crouched so his head was about level with yours first, I'm banking on that being more incidental.

Same with wifey - remember, you only saw it out of the corner of your eye. Unless he was staring at you or otherwise acting weird, he might have just been simply standing behind his wife.

Being somewhat a connoisseur of avoiding talking to people, my tactic would be just to sit fairly far away from them, preferably with my back turned, and certainly outside of their direct field of vision. Similarly, if I really couldn't stand being in a room with someone, I would quietly excuse myself and leave. At the very least, I would just pretend to ignore them - I've seen ENFJs do this when they don't want to draw attention from someone, so that's certainly possible.

It might be possible he just didn't feel like talking last time you saw him, hence not being all warmy-bubbles and sunshine pops. Has anything previously happened which might make you think otherwise?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I've know this man for many years; we worked on numerous projects together. I started to develop feelings for him during the time we worked together but I never told him. However I started to blush when he'd come to my office & it seemed to make him uneasy. :blushed: After he resigned we would still run into each other & he'd wave me down to say hello. But last summer I was at a conference & I saw him in the hallway talking to another person so I walked up to say hi & he acted like he didn't know where to look. Normally he would look me straight in the eye but now he doesn't. I have noticed he has started avoiding me & it's very apparent.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
When I read that, I got a sudden mental image of him grabbing his wife and then pulling her in front of him whilst crouching :p
It's funny because that is exactly what he did that's why I noticed, it looked very strange.
I actually have a very hard time imagining someone deliberately positioning themselves in such a way that a pole just obscures their head.
When I walked up to sit down I saw him eating lunch at a table about 25 feet away from me. I guess he saw me come up cause there was nothing in between us so when I looked over a second time he had moved his body back so that the pole blocked his face and was sitting in an awkward position. :dry:
 

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It's funny because that is exactly what he did that's why I noticed, it looked very strange.

When I walked up to sit down I saw him eating lunch at a table about 25 feet away from me. I guess he saw me come up cause there was nothing in between us so when I looked over a second time he had moved his body back so that the pole blocked his face and was sitting in an awkward position. :dry:
Okay, not going to lie here, but, in my experience, ENFJs have a habit of thinking they're being all cool and inconspicuous, when really...

Really, I can read you from a mile off, sweetie.

Okay, do you think he has feelings for you or something? Because that's the impression I got from your OP. I'm not sure if he despises you... I think it takes a lot for an ENFJ to actively be repulsed by the mere sight of someone; at least, enough to know you did something wrong.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Okay, not going to lie here, but, in my experience, ENFJs have a habit of thinking they're being all cool and inconspicuous, when really...

Really, I can read you from a mile off, sweetie.

Okay, do you think he has feelings for you or something? Because that's the impression I got from your OP. I'm not sure if he despises you... I think it takes a lot for an ENFJ to actively be repulsed by the mere sight of someone; at least, enough to know you did something wrong.
I have no clue why he's acting this way. I don't think he has feelings for me because he's married but who knows. :frustrating:
 

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I know for a fact that INTJ people (and other T types) can sometimes appear extremely insensitive to us ENFJ's and we can be offended by really small things, which they have no idea about. Then we'll act extremely cold towards them, kinda like you described your colleague doing. If you want to find out, try to talk to him, but in a very warm and kind way. Chances are very high that he will then be honest with you and say whats bothering him and if you did offend him in some way, seeing you care, will make him very quickly become nice and forgive you as well as apologize for acting cold. (welcome to the world of enfj's :)).
 

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He seems to be scared or worried about social repercussions.

When I was 18 or so I was scared to be seen with this girl I used to hang around for certain reasons, thought people might think were together. I knew she had feelings for me.


I think his lack of confidence around his peers and in your type of relationship is whats causing that.


Aslong as you know its his issue and nothing to do with you as a person. I think its a silly thing to worry about on his part.
 

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Well as I see it there are two options - either he likes you or he picked up on your crush on him and feels awkward about it, so he prefers to ignore you. In any case - sweetheart, do you really want to be racking your brains about a guy who's so childish he plays hide-and-seek behind his wife's body? Next time you see him, just come straight up to him and say hi...mention seeing him in that cafe and ask howcome he didn't see you there since you were sitting so close to each other, and observe his reaction and body language. Ask upfront whether he has anything against you or whatever else is up with him, life's too short to wonder :happy:
 

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I guess it bothers me so much because I have the utmost respect & admiration for him. I hate for him to think ill of me. I can't say that of too many people. :sad:
People like that have a lot going for them, I know it can be easy to get caught up on the positive things about people like that, but in the end they can have problems like anyone or silly things. As I said I think its a rather... highschool issue to worry about on his part to say the least.


And in the end you know you dont have to deal with that.

The girl I described above I actually am still friends with to this day and consider her one of my few most true genuine friends and glad I kept my friendship and didnt let that silly nonsense from before get in the way.

So its more his issue than anything else.
 

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I can relate so well with you OP. The ENFJ I was becoming more than friends with is going out of his way to avoid me. I texted several time asking what was a matter and he would always reply 'nothing is wrong'. Really? You wanna pull one of my tricks on me? ha! It sucks cause he was such an awesome person to be around but I guess I somehow stopped being worth his time.

I have a little too much pride to go chasing after him with a text every other night but it sure as hell sucks not knowing for sure what is up with this ENFJ.

But yeah thats my 2cents.
 

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he picked up on your crush on him and feels awkward about it, so he prefers to ignore you. In any case - sweetheart, do you really want to be racking your brains about a guy who's so childish he plays hide-and-seek behind his wife's body?
I personally think it sounds like he feels awkward. I was around a guy who liked me recently who I knew liked me, but we hadn't communicated in awhile and I couldn't get a clear read on him. So I felt awkward. I'd put myself in positions where I knew he'd be around but I wouldn't look at him or say anything. Until finally he said, "Thanks for saying hello!" and of course I felt silly.

I don't know, when I feel awkward about someone, there can be so much energy that it feels like a force pushing me away from them. Even looking at them is painful. I usually get over it though in time, especially when I'm clearer about where the relationship stands.
 
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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I don't know, when I feel awkward about someone, there can be so much energy that it feels like a force pushing me away from them. Even looking at them is painful. I usually get over it though in time, especially when I'm clearer about where the relationship stands.
Can you please elaborate on why it would be painful? Is it because you like the person back or because you know they like you & you can't reciprocate?
 

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Can you please elaborate on why it would be painful? Is it because you like the person back or because you know they like you & you can't reciprocate?
I don't know honestly....it doesn't necessarily mean that I like them, no. Just that I'm not sure where the relationship stands and that makes me uncertain on how to act, which makes me feel awkward.

It may have something to do with the nature of extroverted feeling needing to gauge the feeling states of those around us.
 
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