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Please teach me how to *demonstrate* caring

[ESFJ] 
734 views 6 replies 3 participants last post by  SummerRoads 
#1 ·
ESFJs, you are genius-level caregivers, right alongside the ISFJs.

I am an Fi user, an ENFP, and as such, 'showing care' is not a strength. Your FeSi is a far better tool to explicitly express affection and care. I'd like to learn to show care in ways that people understand easily. Right now, my form of showing care is not really that nice. I'd like to improve.

Here is a situation. Tell me how you'd handle it or how it may be best handled.

I have an SJ child in middle-school. She got hit pretty hard by a football (on her chest) while playing on the field. It hurts her.

Now, this is something that has to heal on its own and will take time too. There isn't much I can do by way of first-aid or practical care to help it feel better.

The child is in pain, but is able to continue with most other activities. However, sports coaching is a little hard, although she did go for it too. I helped by calling up the coach and informing him about her situation, just in case she feels too shy or unsure about telling him.

I feel that she is looking for some kind of explicit action from me. She casually mentioned that she is in pain multiple times. I know I am supposed to be doing something, but what is it?

Any help is appreciated.
 
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#2 ·
ISFJ here, it's great that you called the coach that's a good start. You might not necessarily need to do anything more.

When I mention that I am in pain several times like your daughter does, my ENTP boyfriend ends up getting quite annoyed because his first reaction is to offer constructive solutions as in "get an ice pack" or "have a hot bath". If there is nothing he can do to help he becomes annoyed at me because he doesn't understand why I would keep mentioning this if nothing can be done anyway (he's practical like that :D)
In reality all I really want is a cuddle or a kiss or maybe a "poor you can I get you anything?". I know to some types this sounds kind of manipulative but in reality it's just because I would never dare actually ask for help, (I feel way too bad doing it as I don't like troubling other people) so instead I hint at the fact that I need affection or care and hope that the other person understands what I am asking for. It feels a lot better if it's coming from them. Like I want them to want to help me if that makes sense.

I'm not saying that this is the right thing to do but I know that as an ISFJ if I was in your situation I would hug her and ask her if she is okay. Then I would ask her if she needs anything and if she doesn't in the moment, to let me know if she does. The goal is to make her feel comfortable asking you for help. If there is nothing physical I can do to help then what I resort to is always making sure the person knows that I am aware of their suffering, that I am there should they need anything and lots of physical affection.

Hope this helps and she feels better soon!
 
#3 ·
There is so much humaneness and warmth even in this post, that I can imagine how affectionate you must be in real too. Thank you for explaining in detail - the how, and the why - the mechanism of caring.

And no, it doesn't feel manipulative if you asked to be cared for. It is only fair. Just that everyone understands 'care' so differently that what's caring to one might be annoying to another. I would rather just be left alone and may be casually asked at some point in the day if I am better. Anything more would be quite unnecessary with me, unless I am bed-ridden or something! And telling me, "poor thing" would likely put that person in some pretty hot water! And asking me multiple times would only make it worse. LoL! Mostly just leaving me alone to manage my own illness is the best bet for anyone trying to be my caregiver. If I am unable to do an errand that I'd otherwise have done, and someone picks up the slack so that the job wasn't left dangling, I'll be very very grateful.

You see the difference? :)

Your perspective is something I really needed. And I accept it wholeheartedly.

Thank you very much, again, @lilana. :)
 
#4 ·
@lilana - one more question.

Now that she is much better (she didn't even mention the pain today), should I still ask her tomorrow before she leaves for school, "Sweetheart, how is that chest pain? Will you be OK in school today?"

Or should I just let it be?

Should I explicitly say a good word about how she managed to get on with life even with that pain?

Should I affirm her handling the pain or should I say nothing or should I continue to treat her like she is unwell? Or something else?
 
#6 ·
Thank you, @lilana, for your considered and compassionate post. Isn't it lovely that we live in a world where rank strangers take interest in practically guiding your life, and share their mistakes with you, so that you have a chance at not making them yourself?

There is something utterly beautiful about such shared wisdom across the planet. We all can bear to learn from each other. Everyone on T.V. and in politics seems hell bent on dividing people on the basis of colour, creed, country and what else have you! But here, what we see are people with the entire gamut of diverse ideas, who are yet civil enough and compassionate enough to share thoughts - finding warmth in agreement, grist for thought in disagreement and wisdom in new perspectives.

It feels good to see idealism, common sense and goodwill towards fellow humans holding their own even when public discourse is so darned noxious! I hope the good prevails eventually. :) Thank you for contributing your share to an emotionally safer world.

End of soap-box speech. :)
 
#7 ·
If that happened to me as a kid (as an ESFJ) I think that I would really just want my mom to validate my feelings ("Oh, I'm sorry that happened to you. How do you feel right now? I bet that really hurt), then lots of cuddling, then her asking me if I want her to call the coach and let him know or if there's anything she can do to help. As an ESFJ, I appreciate if someone asks me before just trying to "fix" the situation because I may be embarrassed by how they would handle it with others. Like as a kid, I might not have wanted my mom to call the coach to tell him because now I would feel awkward around the coach and feel like he thinks I'm a wimp or think maybe he'll tell the other players. Other times I would appreciate my mom calling and letting them know but again, I would want to have a say in it because...well...figuring out social dynamics as an ESFJ kid is complicated and takes time. You want your *SFJ kid to feel like they can confide in you without you going out into the public world (very important) and trying to "fix" things, which unknowingly might "mess" things up in their social world and their inner feelings. Just ask first.

You can never go wrong with an *ISFJ by: 1) validating feelings, 2) cuddles :)
 
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