Thanks for the advice Stone Drum And nice music taste (avatar)!sounds so much like me. The cool thing is, you will find that as special as you are, you have deep connections with us other infps.
Yeah, it is great you got this out on paper. This is how you will come to accept it. By expressing it to others. And it seems that writing it would have been the only way to get it down with the right words and feelings.
You already have all of the answers. They are just strewn about in front of you, lost in a pile of negative situations, thoughts, feelings, experiences. You must slowly and surely accept these negativities strewn about. Only then will the answers be clear to you.
For instance, you already know why you get rejected so often searching for jobs. It is because you have become a stormy cloud, and no one wants you over their head.
You have begun to speak your truth here. For an infp with such intensity and imagination and hatred of the world to become happy in this world, you must speak your truth. When you go against the grain, you must do so boldly and truthfully, without the faintest trace of corrupting hubris. You see, these negativities that have enveloped you have bred terrible burdens for a person that is imaginative to have-You have been burdened with such things as hubris that have only rooted these negativities to you. You have become destructive with these negativities making up who you are.
You must learn to first let go of such burdens (such as hubris and fear) in order for these negativities (such as negative thoughts, experiences) to begin to slowly unravel from you and blow away. This will stop these negativities from defining you. How do you do let go of such burdens? This is something you have to discover for yourself. For me, I reminded myself of the beautiful and non-destructive aspects within me to become in clear light so that they simply disintegrated the burdens, thus releasing negativities from defining who I am. Like you, I have a need to hang on to my childhood self...And as a child, the natural, uncorrupted truth of my being is that I always desired to love everyone deeply and have this universal love that is simply who I am. Remembering this, I speak this truth of my character, and suddenly such things as pride are replaced with inner harmony...And slowly the world opens itself to me, for I am my creative self and not my destructive self.
Here's my advice on fear- One like us often lives in fear of being our true selves. We hide our true selves from the world, but our shield is fear. Isn't it obvious how to remove fear? Fear is the shield, so take away the shield, show your true self. And soon, the feeling of nakedness is destroyed by the love of others of your true self.
I truly believe you have all of the answers. Try focusing all you learn in a day and contemplate instead how it can help you uncover these answers, instead of hiding them with more clutter.
I've tried to express my help in a less tangible way, because I want to get you thinking and set in motion. And to people like you and me, we are so disillusioned by the fact that reality seems so tangible to others, where to us it is a flurry of madness. Don't give in to seeing the world like another. Focus on seeing it how you believe you were meant to see it (for we all are given unique eyes and minds).
Also, get your body going. You need it desperately. If you're tough enough, do you think you can meet my challenge? Stop watching porn, try taking ice cold showers every day (seriously), exercise your entire body. Go do some things you always wanted to do but simply didn't. Today while I was getting my haircut, I asked the barber what she would do if after getting my haircut I sprayed her with water and ran out of the store without paying. We got into an interesting conversation.
Anyway, I hope someone here sparks something in you, and perhaps your life has now changed, now that you have shared this with us.
No worries, it was a damn long piece!I couldn't read that whole thing. I'm sorry. I did get through most of it though.
You sound like an older, male version of me, except I haven't been to University and I DO have Bipolar.
I think you should really give writing a shot. You can self publish on amazon and keep 90% or something like that of the profits for yourself. If your books take off, you may get contacted by a real publisher. I think you should also consider keeping a blog, to build a fan base.
We know someone who has written a book about living in Qatar, and he makes about $60 a month. It's not much, but it's better than nothing. If you publish everything you've ever written, you could potentially make a lot more than that. I would like to read some of your books, they sound interesting.
I would also consider myself somewhat unemployable, but that's the good thing about writing- you can just dive right in. It sounds like you've had some interesting life experiences. Marian Keyes is a popular author my parents like, and she didn't get published until she was 29. She was an alcoholic, so I can't imagine she did a lot at our age either, besides hiding her addiction. Now she's the author of several books and a millionaire, I'm assuming based on her success.
That could be you!
Thank you for the advice and empathy kwall I don't share your beliefs but I understand the message behind themRelating to the original post... wow. I have to admit I skimmed certain parts but that's because my attention span kind of stinks! But I get the point. When I was younger I used to panic that I would never be able to hold down a job. I haven't had one that's lasted over a year and am amazed at people who can stick with one thing for 20 or 30 years. I'm still kind of trying to overcome the belief that I'm irresponsible and childish (things I've believed most of my life)...
I think God used several things to pull me out of that mindset. When I was younger, my INFJ mother absolutely INSISTED that I do my best in life and think positive. I know not everyone has an awesome mom like I do... but honestly I think everyone should have an INFJ in their life... they're pretty cool. She saw the potential in me and I eventually started to see the potential in myself. I hope someone supportive like that walks into your life.
I learned to be responsible the hard way, as I learn most things. I didn't do well in school up until 10th grade, when I finally realized that I could actually TRY in school and get better grades. However, tending to go to extremes, I eventually ended up going overboard and turning into a total neat freak/OCD/workaholic-perfectionist type person. I wore myself out to the point where I turned back into a lazy bum for a little while... but then I learned to find balance, which is really important.
Another thing, and this is probably a Ne thing--but I don't like to overthink about that stuff--is that I've pretty much lived my entire life expecting a miracle/positive change. I was extremely shy as a kid and always daydreamed about coming out my shell and having friends, which I craved. I would go to bed every night thinking "maybe this is it--maybe tomorrow I'll change!". I prayed a lot as a kid even though I wasn't technically a 'Christian' at that point, and I found that just the act of prayer itself produced hope. What surprised me even more was that God answered! I was able to come out of my shell and stop the emo thing I'd been doing for most of my adolescent years...
I suggest that you pray about your feelings of depression. I know you mentioned you almost don't want to come out of depression because it's like a 'comfort', but you could even pray for a desire to change. I also think that the gifts you have are really good--I also love writing fiction. Those should be developed. Creativity isn't really encouraged in schools, unfortunately, and being organized, responsible, and able to write a resume is seen as somehow 'better' than being imaginative. While it's good to find balance and not completely ignore the need to pay bills, don't let that overcome your life like I did to the point where you lose your imagination. Keep it... even if you don't believe it, God created you unique and special.
Anyway, that's all... hope that makes sense/helps somehow
Half the replies are by me hahaI read the entire post, but haven't read any of the replies (which it seems you have gotten a lot of! ^^)
I can totally relate to some of the things you talk about - not wanting succumb to the inanity of going to work for the next who knows how many years of life, considering suicide but not acting on it because of the emotional pain you would cause loved ones, wanting to write... (and it's pretty damn impressive that you've written two novels)
I too at the moment am playing lots of video games (but that's because my weekend is limited and I have work pretty much 5 days a week for the summer :c) and I don't know, something about being home (rather than at university) just makes me...crazy.
I get really emotional and start to feel lonely and one day I'll feel extremely sad and the next I'll just feel empty.
But I digress. We all get stuck in ruts (but especially for us INFPs, these can turn into existential crises). You'll find a way out of it.
As for advice, you said you don't work out. Why not try running? All it takes is a pair of shoes, shorts, and a t shirt and you're gone. You don't even have to go far. 10 minutes. 5 minutes out, 5 minutes back. Or halve it. See how it makes you feel - running does produce endorphins.
[Though I understand if running out in the world makes you uncomfortable. For some reason, I cannot seem to run in my own neighborhood (even though the houses are really spread out), and I also can't bear the thought of my parents knowing that I went on (or tried to) go on a run. It doesn't make sense.]
Anyways, I wish you the best of luck ^^ Hang in there~
Thank you Nature definitely is the best thing, it helps to experience it when humanity and it's structures are getting me down. Unfortuantely temporary alleviations, and not fixing anything, but still welcome.Maybe try meditation and/or go outside more often. Let the sun shine on your face. Try to focus on the positive sides of the world, e.g. the beauty of nature. This might ground and soothe you.
I don't think it makes sense to try writing something else than what you want/need to write. It would not be as good and would have less meaning for you.
I don't know if my advice is of any use -- I don't feel exactly qualified, but I really think these could help if you not already tried it.
Thanks manI can relate to a LOT of what you posted. I'm also 26 years old and going through a similar period in my life.
I can't speak for all INFPs, but I think one of the biggest motivators for me when I'm faced with a challenging situation is figuring out the why. Who, what, when, and where are all distractions that don't really mean anything to me. Without a good enough why (reason) I won't follow through, period. I know it drives my friends and family crazy, but I can't help it, it's who I am. The irony is that if the why lines up with my ideals/values I find that I'm actually more motivated than most people, and it's almost impossible to dissuade me. Maybe you just need to find a good enough why.
This link really helped me get some perspective on some other issues common with INFPs:
From skimming the OP and looking at the amount of baggage which had to be unloaded, I would say put aside any prejudice you might have against pills and start the process of getting medical help. If nobody close to you you is capable of helping, you won't pull yourself out of this on your own (and even then, it is a much harsher process). Ask for a prescription that will appease moderate-to-severe general anxiety, and get out of that vacuum. You'll slowly start filling the blanks and understanding why things are the way they are, gain a more realistic outlook (something necessary to getting out of this mess and which all human beings can acquire) and be able to support yourself back up on your own terms (emphasis on that last part).
If a particular prescription doesn't work out then don't be afraid to ask for dose adjustments or alternatives (Effexor 75mg did it for me, but that wasn't before trying 150mg and 100mg. It also wasn't as effective for one guy I knew, Wellbutrin worked for him however). It'll probably be once-per-day thing, but it's to help you control all those destructive thoughts leading to intense moments of distress or depression - eventually you'll "heal" and won't need them anymore.
Lastly, if your ego is so resistant to positive change, you may have self-acceptance issues (common when parental upbringing was overly narcissistic or otherwise inadequate). This is your subconscious somewhat "compensating" for all those times when you haven't allowed yourself to be yourself, or didn't feel like you could be accepted for who you are. It is only natural that your ego lashes out in protest when considering therapy or other means of help which might be perceived as "transforming". I suggest reading material. Bandbacktogether.com is a good place to start and dispel the myths surrounding poor self-acceptance, while simultaneously finding out articles about related issues (for example, you might find out that you share traits of Avoidance Personality Disorder, which is a symptom of low self-acceptance and which further complicates unassisted recovery).
AFAIK INFPs are typically Healers. Just like few things would make me happier than to see you find a better tomorrow, you too can come to realize that you have unique abilities which are paramount to a healthy society (and a better world). They may not be the most glorified, but glory is not something we care about. We seldom get lost in details/politics or lose track of what really matters. It brings us fulfillment to truly make a difference in the happiness and enjoyment of others, and we are very well equipped to succeed at this.
Mate, I just wanna say, that is fricken awesome. Good on you. For all the complaints about how difficult stubborn people can be, it is honestly something I do not ever want to change about myself, and I love hearing stories about how it can actually be a good thing.Anyway, yeah, I just wanted to share that the band Tool helped get me through depression. I'm a drummer (despite being born with 1 hand), and I managed to learn every Tool song on drums with exhaustive attention to detail. And that gave me a sense of hope, knowing I could things do things (and do them very well) that any random person would tell me is not possible.