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Relating to the original post... wow. I have to admit I skimmed certain parts but that's because my attention span kind of stinks! But I get the point. When I was younger I used to panic that I would never be able to hold down a job. I haven't had one that's lasted over a year and am amazed at people who can stick with one thing for 20 or 30 years. I'm still kind of trying to overcome the belief that I'm irresponsible and childish (things I've believed most of my life)...

I think God used several things to pull me out of that mindset. When I was younger, my INFJ mother absolutely INSISTED that I do my best in life and think positive. I know not everyone has an awesome mom like I do... but honestly I think everyone should have an INFJ in their life... they're pretty cool. She saw the potential in me and I eventually started to see the potential in myself. I hope someone supportive like that walks into your life.

I learned to be responsible the hard way, as I learn most things. I didn't do well in school up until 10th grade, when I finally realized that I could actually TRY in school and get better grades. However, tending to go to extremes, I eventually ended up going overboard and turning into a total neat freak/OCD/workaholic-perfectionist type person. I wore myself out to the point where I turned back into a lazy bum for a little while... but then I learned to find balance, which is really important.

Another thing, and this is probably a Ne thing--but I don't like to overthink about that stuff--is that I've pretty much lived my entire life expecting a miracle/positive change. I was extremely shy as a kid and always daydreamed about coming out my shell and having friends, which I craved. I would go to bed every night thinking "maybe this is it--maybe tomorrow I'll change!". I prayed a lot as a kid even though I wasn't technically a 'Christian' at that point, and I found that just the act of prayer itself produced hope. What surprised me even more was that God answered! I was able to come out of my shell and stop the emo thing I'd been doing for most of my adolescent years...

I suggest that you pray about your feelings of depression. I know you mentioned you almost don't want to come out of depression because it's like a 'comfort', but you could even pray for a desire to change. I also think that the gifts you have are really good--I also love writing fiction. Those should be developed. Creativity isn't really encouraged in schools, unfortunately, and being organized, responsible, and able to write a resume is seen as somehow 'better' than being imaginative. While it's good to find balance and not completely ignore the need to pay bills, don't let that overcome your life like I did to the point where you lose your imagination. Keep it... even if you don't believe it, God created you unique and special.

Anyway, that's all... hope that makes sense/helps somehow
 

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I read the entire post, but haven't read any of the replies (which it seems you have gotten a lot of! ^^)
I can totally relate to some of the things you talk about - not wanting succumb to the inanity of going to work for the next who knows how many years of life, considering suicide but not acting on it because of the emotional pain you would cause loved ones, wanting to write... (and it's pretty damn impressive that you've written two novels)
I too at the moment am playing lots of video games (but that's because my weekend is limited and I have work pretty much 5 days a week for the summer :c) and I don't know, something about being home (rather than at university) just makes me...crazy.
I get really emotional and start to feel lonely and one day I'll feel extremely sad and the next I'll just feel empty.
But I digress. We all get stuck in ruts (but especially for us INFPs, these can turn into existential crises). You'll find a way out of it.
As for advice, you said you don't work out. Why not try running? All it takes is a pair of shoes, shorts, and a t shirt and you're gone. You don't even have to go far. 10 minutes. 5 minutes out, 5 minutes back. Or halve it. See how it makes you feel - running does produce endorphins.
[Though I understand if running out in the world makes you uncomfortable. For some reason, I cannot seem to run in my own neighborhood (even though the houses are really spread out), and I also can't bear the thought of my parents knowing that I went on (or tried to) go on a run. It doesn't make sense.]
Anyways, I wish you the best of luck ^^ Hang in there~
 

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Maybe try meditation and/or go outside more often. Let the sun shine on your face. Try to focus on the positive sides of the world, e.g. the beauty of nature. This might ground and soothe you.
I don't think it makes sense to try writing something else than what you want/need to write. It would not be as good and would have less meaning for you.

I don't know if my advice is of any use -- I don't feel exactly qualified, but I really think these could help if you not already tried it.
 

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I can relate to a LOT of what you posted. I'm also 26 years old and going through a similar period in my life.

I can't speak for all INFPs, but I think one of the biggest motivators for me when I'm faced with a challenging situation is figuring out the why. Who, what, when, and where are all distractions that don't really mean anything to me. Without a good enough why (reason) I won't follow through, period. I know it drives my friends and family crazy, but I can't help it, it's who I am. The irony is that if the why lines up with my ideals/values I find that I'm actually more motivated than most people, and it's almost impossible to dissuade me. Maybe you just need to find a good enough why.

This link really helped me get some perspective on some other issues common with INFPs:

www .personalitypage.com/html/INFP_per.html
 

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From skimming the OP and looking at the amount of baggage which had to be unloaded, I would say put aside any prejudice you might have against pills and start the process of getting medical help. If nobody close to you you is capable of helping, you won't pull yourself out of this on your own (and even then, it is a much harsher process). Ask for a prescription that will appease moderate-to-severe general anxiety, and get out of that vacuum. You'll slowly start filling the blanks and understanding why things are the way they are, gain a more realistic outlook (something necessary to getting out of this mess and which all human beings can acquire) and be able to support yourself back up on your own terms (emphasis on that last part).

If a particular prescription doesn't work out then don't be afraid to ask for dose adjustments or alternatives (Effexor 75mg did it for me, but that wasn't before trying 150mg and 100mg. It also wasn't as effective for one guy I knew, Wellbutrin worked for him however). It'll probably be once-per-day thing, but it's to help you control all those destructive thoughts leading to intense moments of distress or depression - eventually you'll "heal" and won't need them anymore.

Lastly, if your ego is so resistant to positive change, you may have self-acceptance issues (common when parental upbringing was overly narcissistic or otherwise inadequate). This is your subconscious somewhat "compensating" for all those times when you haven't allowed yourself to be yourself, or didn't feel like you could be accepted for who you are. It is only natural that your ego lashes out in protest when considering therapy or other means of help which might be perceived as "transforming". I suggest reading material. Bandbacktogether.com is a good place to start and dispel the myths surrounding poor self-acceptance, while simultaneously finding out articles about related issues (for example, you might find out that you share traits of Avoidance Personality Disorder, which is a symptom of low self-acceptance and which further complicates unassisted recovery).

AFAIK INFPs are typically Healers. Just like few things would make me happier than to see you find a better tomorrow, you too can come to realize that you have unique abilities which are paramount to a healthy society (and a better world). They may not be the most glorified, but glory is not something we care about. We seldom get lost in details/politics or lose track of what really matters. It brings us fulfillment to truly make a difference in the happiness and enjoyment of others, and we are very well equipped to succeed at this.
 

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Discussion Starter #48
sounds so much like me. The cool thing is, you will find that as special as you are, you have deep connections with us other infps.

Yeah, it is great you got this out on paper. This is how you will come to accept it. By expressing it to others. And it seems that writing it would have been the only way to get it down with the right words and feelings.

You already have all of the answers. They are just strewn about in front of you, lost in a pile of negative situations, thoughts, feelings, experiences. You must slowly and surely accept these negativities strewn about. Only then will the answers be clear to you.

For instance, you already know why you get rejected so often searching for jobs. It is because you have become a stormy cloud, and no one wants you over their head.

You have begun to speak your truth here. For an infp with such intensity and imagination and hatred of the world to become happy in this world, you must speak your truth. When you go against the grain, you must do so boldly and truthfully, without the faintest trace of corrupting hubris. You see, these negativities that have enveloped you have bred terrible burdens for a person that is imaginative to have-You have been burdened with such things as hubris that have only rooted these negativities to you. You have become destructive with these negativities making up who you are.
You must learn to first let go of such burdens (such as hubris and fear) in order for these negativities (such as negative thoughts, experiences) to begin to slowly unravel from you and blow away. This will stop these negativities from defining you. How do you do let go of such burdens? This is something you have to discover for yourself. For me, I reminded myself of the beautiful and non-destructive aspects within me to become in clear light so that they simply disintegrated the burdens, thus releasing negativities from defining who I am. Like you, I have a need to hang on to my childhood self...And as a child, the natural, uncorrupted truth of my being is that I always desired to love everyone deeply and have this universal love that is simply who I am. Remembering this, I speak this truth of my character, and suddenly such things as pride are replaced with inner harmony...And slowly the world opens itself to me, for I am my creative self and not my destructive self.

Here's my advice on fear- One like us often lives in fear of being our true selves. We hide our true selves from the world, but our shield is fear. Isn't it obvious how to remove fear? Fear is the shield, so take away the shield, show your true self. And soon, the feeling of nakedness is destroyed by the love of others of your true self.

I truly believe you have all of the answers. Try focusing all you learn in a day and contemplate instead how it can help you uncover these answers, instead of hiding them with more clutter.

I've tried to express my help in a less tangible way, because I want to get you thinking and set in motion. And to people like you and me, we are so disillusioned by the fact that reality seems so tangible to others, where to us it is a flurry of madness. Don't give in to seeing the world like another. Focus on seeing it how you believe you were meant to see it (for we all are given unique eyes and minds).

Also, get your body going. You need it desperately. If you're tough enough, do you think you can meet my challenge? Stop watching porn, try taking ice cold showers every day (seriously), exercise your entire body. Go do some things you always wanted to do but simply didn't. Today while I was getting my haircut, I asked the barber what she would do if after getting my haircut I sprayed her with water and ran out of the store without paying. We got into an interesting conversation.

Anyway, I hope someone here sparks something in you, and perhaps your life has now changed, now that you have shared this with us.
Thanks for the advice Stone Drum :) And nice music taste (avatar)!

I am filled with negativities definitely, and this is not too healthy - although we can't always be positive either. Most of my negativity comes with my inability to enjoy the real world, as well as how I feel about people.

I wouldn't quite say that's why I get rejected for jobs. I mean perhaps they are psychic and can sense it in me, but I generally feel like when I do get interviews (rarely, because my CV has very little experience on it) I do pretty well and come across fairly confident and good natured. I still don't get them though, because there will always be competiton and with my lack of experience and huge gaps in work history I will always be bottom of the pack.

A lot of what you say make sense. Although my 'truth' that I could speak seems to be to be simply a negative one. I can't imagine a truth that's otherwise, unless it's not a truth at all but something from the imagination.

I do need to let go of burders, but my God is that hard! I wouldn't say I have a universal love like you though, nor ever had. Love is a pretty precious and rare commodity to me. I love my girlfriend, that's enough.

I do not know what my true self is, unless it's a whole lot of things at once. Must it just be one? I am positive and negative, child and adult, lover and luster, dreamer and cynic...

And I know you're trying to help here, but I'm sorry, there is no way I'm going to take ice cold showers every day :p Hot showers are one of the few pleasure I have in life and I make sure to enjoy them. Removing them and subjecting myself to a daily torture is only going to take even more away from my enjoyment of life and make me even less likely to get up and face the day. A nice shower is often the only thing getting me out of bed.
Porn - arguable, although perhaps I should cut down, if I had something to replace it with - but exercise I know I am lacking in. Once in a blue moon I'll try to exericse, but I have no motivation or drive for it and it doesn't make me feel good like it's supposed to. However if I accidentally exercise, you know by something like a big night rocking out haha - then that's pretty good!

Unfortunately most things I want to do but never had require money (*cough* or to not have a girlfriend *cough*).
 

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Discussion Starter #49
I couldn't read that whole thing. I'm sorry. I did get through most of it though.

You sound like an older, male version of me, except I haven't been to University and I DO have Bipolar.

I think you should really give writing a shot. You can self publish on amazon and keep 90% or something like that of the profits for yourself. If your books take off, you may get contacted by a real publisher. I think you should also consider keeping a blog, to build a fan base.

We know someone who has written a book about living in Qatar, and he makes about $60 a month. It's not much, but it's better than nothing. If you publish everything you've ever written, you could potentially make a lot more than that. I would like to read some of your books, they sound interesting.

I would also consider myself somewhat unemployable, but that's the good thing about writing- you can just dive right in. It sounds like you've had some interesting life experiences. Marian Keyes is a popular author my parents like, and she didn't get published until she was 29. She was an alcoholic, so I can't imagine she did a lot at our age either, besides hiding her addiction. Now she's the author of several books and a millionaire, I'm assuming based on her success.

That could be you!
No worries, it was a damn long piece!

Thanks for the advice, although I have given writing a shot! I self-published my first book, and it didn't come to anything because it's so damn hard to promote without money, as I wrote in my OP. Making your books take off is way easier said than done - especially for cult things like mine - because all those people you want to read it, why would they know about it, and why would they bother reading if they did? I wanted to self-publish the next one but didn't think it'd come to anything better. I still would, but I've been waiting months upon months for a front cover (that's what you get when you commissison something for free from one of your friends...)

If you want to read the second book, you can read it here Read books online - Moral Zero by Set Sytes Warning for anyone clicking that link - it's a REALLY explicit 18+ work, right from the outset, and it's very intense and dark, and if the first couple of pages really put you off you'd do yourself a big favour not reading on.... just saying (check out how good I am at self-promotion! :p)

And thanks for the enthusiasm :) I hope that'd be me too. I really don't want to be 30 and still without a future.
 

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Discussion Starter #50
Relating to the original post... wow. I have to admit I skimmed certain parts but that's because my attention span kind of stinks! But I get the point. When I was younger I used to panic that I would never be able to hold down a job. I haven't had one that's lasted over a year and am amazed at people who can stick with one thing for 20 or 30 years. I'm still kind of trying to overcome the belief that I'm irresponsible and childish (things I've believed most of my life)...

I think God used several things to pull me out of that mindset. When I was younger, my INFJ mother absolutely INSISTED that I do my best in life and think positive. I know not everyone has an awesome mom like I do... but honestly I think everyone should have an INFJ in their life... they're pretty cool. She saw the potential in me and I eventually started to see the potential in myself. I hope someone supportive like that walks into your life.

I learned to be responsible the hard way, as I learn most things. I didn't do well in school up until 10th grade, when I finally realized that I could actually TRY in school and get better grades. However, tending to go to extremes, I eventually ended up going overboard and turning into a total neat freak/OCD/workaholic-perfectionist type person. I wore myself out to the point where I turned back into a lazy bum for a little while... but then I learned to find balance, which is really important.

Another thing, and this is probably a Ne thing--but I don't like to overthink about that stuff--is that I've pretty much lived my entire life expecting a miracle/positive change. I was extremely shy as a kid and always daydreamed about coming out my shell and having friends, which I craved. I would go to bed every night thinking "maybe this is it--maybe tomorrow I'll change!". I prayed a lot as a kid even though I wasn't technically a 'Christian' at that point, and I found that just the act of prayer itself produced hope. What surprised me even more was that God answered! I was able to come out of my shell and stop the emo thing I'd been doing for most of my adolescent years...

I suggest that you pray about your feelings of depression. I know you mentioned you almost don't want to come out of depression because it's like a 'comfort', but you could even pray for a desire to change. I also think that the gifts you have are really good--I also love writing fiction. Those should be developed. Creativity isn't really encouraged in schools, unfortunately, and being organized, responsible, and able to write a resume is seen as somehow 'better' than being imaginative. While it's good to find balance and not completely ignore the need to pay bills, don't let that overcome your life like I did to the point where you lose your imagination. Keep it... even if you don't believe it, God created you unique and special.

Anyway, that's all... hope that makes sense/helps somehow
Thank you for the advice and empathy kwall :) I don't share your beliefs but I understand the message behind them :)
 

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Discussion Starter #51
I read the entire post, but haven't read any of the replies (which it seems you have gotten a lot of! ^^)
I can totally relate to some of the things you talk about - not wanting succumb to the inanity of going to work for the next who knows how many years of life, considering suicide but not acting on it because of the emotional pain you would cause loved ones, wanting to write... (and it's pretty damn impressive that you've written two novels)
I too at the moment am playing lots of video games (but that's because my weekend is limited and I have work pretty much 5 days a week for the summer :c) and I don't know, something about being home (rather than at university) just makes me...crazy.
I get really emotional and start to feel lonely and one day I'll feel extremely sad and the next I'll just feel empty.
But I digress. We all get stuck in ruts (but especially for us INFPs, these can turn into existential crises). You'll find a way out of it.
As for advice, you said you don't work out. Why not try running? All it takes is a pair of shoes, shorts, and a t shirt and you're gone. You don't even have to go far. 10 minutes. 5 minutes out, 5 minutes back. Or halve it. See how it makes you feel - running does produce endorphins.
[Though I understand if running out in the world makes you uncomfortable. For some reason, I cannot seem to run in my own neighborhood (even though the houses are really spread out), and I also can't bear the thought of my parents knowing that I went on (or tried to) go on a run. It doesn't make sense.]
Anyways, I wish you the best of luck ^^ Hang in there~
Half the replies are by me haha :p

Thanks for the advice :) If I was gonna exercise I wouldn't run - like you said, I'd feel awkward, although I know that's silly. But anyway attempting conscious, serious exercise as I am is like gearing up to run into a brick wall. Sure, I could dredge up every last shred of motivation left in me and make myself do it - and it's happened before, and will happen again. But nothing out of those times have given me reason to keep doing it. I usually finish whatever bout I had with 'man I'm glad that's over' and then don't do it again. I just don't enjoy it. The best thing for me would be like an exercise bike that powered the TV :p I'd be more interested in exercising if I had a proper gym, but no way could I afford anything like that. And I probably would still make up excuses not to go. As you can tell I have zero discipline...
And yes, I know this is terrible of me! I do do accidental exercise though, like walking into town and back, and if have a night out I'll exhaust myself rocking out all night!
 

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Discussion Starter #52
Maybe try meditation and/or go outside more often. Let the sun shine on your face. Try to focus on the positive sides of the world, e.g. the beauty of nature. This might ground and soothe you.
I don't think it makes sense to try writing something else than what you want/need to write. It would not be as good and would have less meaning for you.

I don't know if my advice is of any use -- I don't feel exactly qualified, but I really think these could help if you not already tried it.
Thank you :) Nature definitely is the best thing, it helps to experience it when humanity and it's structures are getting me down. Unfortuantely temporary alleviations, and not fixing anything, but still welcome.
 

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Discussion Starter #53
I can relate to a LOT of what you posted. I'm also 26 years old and going through a similar period in my life.

I can't speak for all INFPs, but I think one of the biggest motivators for me when I'm faced with a challenging situation is figuring out the why. Who, what, when, and where are all distractions that don't really mean anything to me. Without a good enough why (reason) I won't follow through, period. I know it drives my friends and family crazy, but I can't help it, it's who I am. The irony is that if the why lines up with my ideals/values I find that I'm actually more motivated than most people, and it's almost impossible to dissuade me. Maybe you just need to find a good enough why.

This link really helped me get some perspective on some other issues common with INFPs:

www .personalitypage.com/html/INFP_per.html
Thanks man :)
 

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From skimming the OP and looking at the amount of baggage which had to be unloaded, I would say put aside any prejudice you might have against pills and start the process of getting medical help. If nobody close to you you is capable of helping, you won't pull yourself out of this on your own (and even then, it is a much harsher process). Ask for a prescription that will appease moderate-to-severe general anxiety, and get out of that vacuum. You'll slowly start filling the blanks and understanding why things are the way they are, gain a more realistic outlook (something necessary to getting out of this mess and which all human beings can acquire) and be able to support yourself back up on your own terms (emphasis on that last part).

If a particular prescription doesn't work out then don't be afraid to ask for dose adjustments or alternatives (Effexor 75mg did it for me, but that wasn't before trying 150mg and 100mg. It also wasn't as effective for one guy I knew, Wellbutrin worked for him however). It'll probably be once-per-day thing, but it's to help you control all those destructive thoughts leading to intense moments of distress or depression - eventually you'll "heal" and won't need them anymore.

Lastly, if your ego is so resistant to positive change, you may have self-acceptance issues (common when parental upbringing was overly narcissistic or otherwise inadequate). This is your subconscious somewhat "compensating" for all those times when you haven't allowed yourself to be yourself, or didn't feel like you could be accepted for who you are. It is only natural that your ego lashes out in protest when considering therapy or other means of help which might be perceived as "transforming". I suggest reading material. Bandbacktogether.com is a good place to start and dispel the myths surrounding poor self-acceptance, while simultaneously finding out articles about related issues (for example, you might find out that you share traits of Avoidance Personality Disorder, which is a symptom of low self-acceptance and which further complicates unassisted recovery).

AFAIK INFPs are typically Healers. Just like few things would make me happier than to see you find a better tomorrow, you too can come to realize that you have unique abilities which are paramount to a healthy society (and a better world). They may not be the most glorified, but glory is not something we care about. We seldom get lost in details/politics or lose track of what really matters. It brings us fulfillment to truly make a difference in the happiness and enjoyment of others, and we are very well equipped to succeed at this.

Thank you for the advice :) I may come to the point where I go to therapy, but I really don't want to take pills. My sister is on medication - and really didn't want it to come to that either - as of recently because she suddenly got hit with depression - real, permanent depression - when there had been no symptoms prior. I'm nothing like what she's going through. In comparison I live life pretty easy. Sure I have the odd down time, the odd black hole, but not often, and usually with good cause. Living with my girlfriend I smile and laugh most days. I'm not depressed without reason, I have a very inadequate life that needs fixing, and I need prospects and a future. I have a certain perspective on the world that pills won't solve, because it has been formed from every bit of my personality and my past - to change that would change who I am. It seems counter-intuitive to me to try and fix the effects instead of the causes. Pills to me seem an easy get out. Sure some people need them, like my sister, but I don't think I'm that bad, and I don't think we should just throw medication at people so easily, especially as you can become reliant, not to mention they can inhibit other factors of our personality that we like or that make us us.

If the day comes though when I really am THAT bad though, and have no strength left in me, then I will consider medication. I can fix myself - I just need to work out how.

My ego is resistant to positive change because it is an ego, and I don't like the idea that I'm not good enough for the world. I like what someone else said, that if I don't want to change me then I should try and change the world. I don't know if I have problems with self-acceptance or not, perhaps I do, but I had a great childhood. Probably too great. My parents have always been supportive, indulged my eccentricities, and never not let me be me. Maybe that's the problem. They supported who I am - but the world outside didn't.

But then again if I felt I couldn't be me at all, then surely I'd struggle to express myself, when I don't, and I'd try and fit in and look normal when I go out, which I don't. I love to look different and be a bit out there as befits my personality. I like how I see myself in the eyes of others (well, apart from when they look at me with disgust!), it feels better than how I see myself the rest of the time.
 

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1) Playing videogames. A lot.
2) Faffing on the internet pointlessly.
3) Porn and masturbation. If my girlfriend is away, and before we went out, 4 hour stints a day were not uncommon. My girlfriend does not take much away from all this, as I have a much higher sex drive than hers, which is fairly low. On the one hand I love her and do not want to be without her. On the other I want sex twice a day or so but with her it might be once a week. Thankfully she accepts my porn habits (though I still keep such activities from her of course). Kinda getting off course here...
4) Playing with/amusingly winding up my girlfriend
5) Watching movies.
6) Reading.

First, can I ask if that is you in your pic? Are you a satanist? If you are, my genuine advice is to please, when you are alone and feeling the void, please pray to Jesus Christ and ask him to forgive you for anything that needs forgiving and ask him to change your life. If you are not a satanist, I would suggest the same thing. So much of the world would have you indulge yourself in mindless pursuits until you are numb, till you feel like you are nothing. I want to encourage you that the love of God through a reliance on Jesus Christ can change everything. He can literally give you a new heart that cares more about people and about yourself than you do right now.

From the above list, your interests do not help you care about other people, develop discipline or develop verbal or practical skills for furthering your life. All of these activities waste considerable amounts of time and you do not grow, love, care about anything else or gain true wisdom for how to live, during the hours spent doing them. Of course you feel a growing void and disconnect. As meaningless distraction becomes a way of life, you will feel more and more depressed. The first three are all addictive behaviors, which means those behaviors are your master; they own you. If something owns you, you are not free. Porn in particular, has been shown to cause apathy, disconnect, and a hindrance to meaningful relationships. It has an escalating-need effect, as you know. You cannot have self-mastery or growth while consistently indulging in behaviors which enforce the opposite.

Please consider that whatever you have filled yourself with, to this point, you have become, but by changing that, you can become something else. You are not beyond hope if you sincerely desire to change. It's ok to be young and lack wisdom. But refusing to grow up because you see that being a grown up hurts or requires tangible effort from you, means you remain stalled in childhood and that will have negative consequences: People who are close to you will outgrow you and others may feel derision. When you experience that, you will probably feel inferior and become more isolated in your addictive behaviors. Being indulgent and childlike might sound good as you are a quiet, introspective dreamer, but it really isn't good. You are already aware of that.

Why don't you try turning off TV and video games for a couple weeks and go out of your way to help someone else. Anticipate that turning off the TV, porn and video games will cause anxiety and scattered thinking for a time. That's perfectly normal and it won't last. Being free of those will help you look outside yourself. When you give your time and care to others you will feel alive and experience sincere gratitude.

Is there any older male adult that you respect who can give you some guidance? It might be out of your comfort zone to ask, but having a mentor who will nurture your growth, while being straight with you could be a huge help.

You can change. You can become something more, something unexpected, and have a fruitful, meaningful life.
 

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Discussion Starter #56
*reads the opening paragraph...facepalm*

*decides to only skim the rest of it*

I don't mean to be rude (although you've started that off for the both of us), but please do not try and give me any more advice. This thread isn't for you, nor anyone so judgemental. I do not respond well to such talk. Your efforts will be much better reciprocated elsewhere, to stay here will waste both our time.
 

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I think a lot of people think of depression as a big black cloud of sadness hanging over the top of you, day and night. For me it wasn't. It's the lack of motivation that got me. Just... nothing. Didn't want to do anything. Didn't see the point. Couldn't even bring myself to leave the house to go buy milk down the street some days. No energy, no will to get up and change things, no faith in myself. At least feeling sad would be feeling something besides hopelessness.

Having said that... I went to see a GP about my depressive symptoms - I call them symptoms because I'm not sure depression was the cause, and I'm not 100% certain on type 2 bipolar either even though it fits better - and surprise surprise, the first thing he did was reassure me that it was normal and pulled out a sample pack of anti-depressants for me to start taking right away. Which was fine, it's what he's trained to do, but I'd gone in specifically to ask about a referral to a psychologist, as I needed to be referred via a GP in order to claim it on the public health system. Instead, he told me that I needed to take the pills before I saw a psychologist because if I saw a psychologist right away, I wouldn't have the motivation to make changes. And hey, maybe with some people he was right. But I'd already tried to explain that it was a toxic combination of unemployment and social anxiety and homesickness (I'd recently come back from a year overseas) rather than a clear-cut case of depression. But the curse of knowing yourself is that so many other people don't, that they doubt you anyway.

In the end I went away with the pills, threw them out, and did some research. Ended up getting on the waiting list for the student clinic at a local university which was open to the public. It worked out cheaper in the end, too, even though I couldn't claim anything for the sessions! Might be worth seeing if there are any similar options in the UK.

One thing the psychologist recommended for my anxiety was something called mindfulness. We're so caught up in our thoughts and our heads are racing and our chest feels like it will burst open any minute when we're in a state of anxiety. But just taking 10 minutes out of your day to go outside, focus on your breathing, and noticing the environment helps train your mind to just stop for a minute and be. Sounds a bit airy fairy (I used to be into all the New Age/self help stuff but am a lot more cynical now) but damn it worked. If I remember right she had me writing down 5 things I could see, 5 things I could hear, 5 things I could feel, and maybe a couple of things I could smell? It was a while back. But I think she even had me doing it only 3 times a week, so if every day is too much for you you could start with every second or third day.

But yeah, I know that feeling of hopelessness. I think I was unemployed for only 7 months all up, but there's no way that the constant rejections can't get you down. And it's so much harder for the long-term employed. I don't know how paying for education works there but if you've got these massive gaps in your resume it might be worth considering going back and completing your degree (if I remember right you hadn't finished?) or trying something else, if it's not out of your budget. Studying sucks and it's an absolute chore to do things you think are boring or pointless (I know, I've got 12 years of school and a degree behind me, plus I'm about to start another more useful one this time!) but it's something for the CV and like it or not, to succeed you need to make contacts. You're not meeting too many inside the house and you don't have a job to take care of it for you, so it's as good an opportunity as any.

My deepest sympathies on the phone thing. I don't like it either. I find it gets better when I'm working and have to do it, but in a way that's easier because I have a script and an idea of how the conversation's going to play out. But while I'm unemployed I slide right back to absolute terror.

Oh and I remember mentioning that same thing to my psychologist, about the not wanting to get better? She seemed to think it was entirely normal. I suppose when you build up a certain identity around being in that state of mind, and it's defined your life, you grow attached to it and have trouble seeing how you could remain yourself apart from it. Even when I wanted to get better, there was this tiny little part of me that stubborn clung on. I kind of think of my illness as an entity all on its own, to try to get around that issue. It needs me more than I need it. It's terrified of what I can do without it, so it wants to keep me down here, so it can have me all to itself.

I'm sure I had a lot more things to say but I've forgotten. Oh! If you want something to do, read up on the functions so that you can maybe understand @Aleysia 's post better! Here's a really basic starting point. I was initially too lazy to want to get into it, but I'm glad I started reading up on them because it's helped me understand my behaviour a bit better, as well as that of other people. Officially as an INFP my functions should stack up as Fi Ne Si Te and they do appear in that order but I've exercised other functions too, so it can explain maybe certain differences between me and other INFPs. *shrugs* Up to you though.
 

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@Set Sytes, could you provide a list of the top 10 things (listed from most significant to least) if what specifically you want to change or ascertain about you and/or your life etc.? And then for each 1 thing, I'd like you to list 1 reason why you have not met that thing. I have absolutely no idea if this exercise would benefit you or if it will help us help you, but maybe it is worth a shot? If you feel it isn't worth a shot, then by all means, don't do it.

Anyway, yeah, I just wanted to share that the band Tool helped get me through depression. I'm a drummer (despite being born with 1 hand), and I managed to learn every Tool song on drums with exhaustive attention to detail. And that gave me a sense of hope, knowing I could things do things (and do them very well) that any random person would tell me is not possible.
 

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Anyway, yeah, I just wanted to share that the band Tool helped get me through depression. I'm a drummer (despite being born with 1 hand), and I managed to learn every Tool song on drums with exhaustive attention to detail. And that gave me a sense of hope, knowing I could things do things (and do them very well) that any random person would tell me is not possible.
Mate, I just wanna say, that is fricken awesome. Good on you. For all the complaints about how difficult stubborn people can be, it is honestly something I do not ever want to change about myself, and I love hearing stories about how it can actually be a good thing.

And I thought of a thing, but I forgot. Serves me right for thinking while cooking and not running away to write it down. So much time, so many things to forget. >_<
 

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@ellieCat (I would've quoted you but the quote button has a sad ˚¬˚)

isn't it the worst when we have these awesome ideas and then we can't write them down fast enough and they disappear? :[ what would the world be like if we had a way to think a thought, and like a computer just store it in a folder to be retrieved at any time. Though, I know the thought is there in some folder in the brain, but there's no way of locating it :p

But you did give me a thought that I remember and now I'm writing it down here. In the bajillion things I have ruminated on night after sleepless night, I haven't yet considered how stubbornness is one of the best qualities to have in terms of achieving. This is so inspiring. Funny how there are so many ways to see everything. And who knows what may be discovered from a new angle. Thank you :>>>>>>>>>>>

And not to derail the thread, so I'll get back on topic. @Set Sytes, is it possible to get access to your writing?
 
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