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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Possible BPD? Please Help.

Here I am again with more sob stories. But I think I might have borderline personality disorder. I'm going to go see a psychiatrist later this week but I just want to see if my suspicions are reasonable. It could be something else. People who have read my threads know that I have struggled with depression before.

I got my suspicions this week. I have a male friend from a different uni that I was introduced to in January via a female flatmate (we're not close friends but I'd say we were on good enough terms). The moment we met, we clicked due to us both taking English Literature and sharing many interests. He was there during the weekend, so we were going out with the rest of my flatmates. At pre drinks I noticed he was leering at me very suggestively. Soon, I was doing the same. When we got back, the female friend's room was already full so he stayed in mine and we ended up having sex. The next morning we promised not to tell anyone but we remained on friendly terms. When he went back to his uni, we continued to talk to each other over messenger, sometimes until morning. He has always been super nice to me and has willingly told me very personal information. Needless to say, I started to develop feelings for him.

Now this female friend, she has been friends with him a lot longer than I have. I shouldn't be surprised that he would be closer to her than me. But during subsequent visits I started to get very jealous when he chose to hang out with her instead of me. At first I thought it was just silliness but I actually began to feel like he had abandoned me. On Wednesday night, I wanted to spend some time with him but the female friend told me that they were napping and there was no more room left in her flat. Without thinking I actually tried to shove past her. When I failed to get past, I gave up and returned to my room, where I cried for an hour straight. When I walked past her in the hallway I huffed at her and gave her a very dirty look. Apparently I tried to get between them over the course of the week. On Friday, I drank to much and he volunteered to clean me up and look after me and he stayed with me until I blacked out. It was during this time I confessed my feelings and admitted my jealousy. He told me that he was glad I told him but said that his series of bad relationships left him wary about starting another one. Then he told me if he had to date anyone it would be the female friend. That was the last straw. I felt like my heart had been ripped to shreds. On Saturday I was in the kitchen chatting with them and they were being physically affectionate. It didn't show but I actually felt physically sick. I spent the whole of Sunday in my room crying, angry at him and myself.

I only managed to work up the courage to message him earlier this evening and I immediately apologised for the way I had been acting. He said it was fine, that he forgives me because I've been so nice to hime, and that he'd probably forget about it in a week but I don't know if he's telling the truth. Please help. I feel like our friendship will be ruined if I don't seek assistance.

And I have shown other symptoms besides possessivness. I'm happy person most of the time but I sometimes experience serious bouts of depression when I feel I have been 'neglected' so to speak. I take part in risky behaviour; I have vomited and blacked out twice from drinking at uni, including this instance. I have also been very promiscuous and other than him, have had five short term sexual partners over the past six months and have gotten a reputation amongst our social circle for being very good at 'pulling.' Growing up, I have had been withdrawn and had trouble making friends and spent the majority of secondary school friendless. I have also had a turbulent relationship with my mother. Though I love her very much and our relationship has calmed down ever since I left for uni, she is an alcoholic and can be spiteful and even borderline abusive when she's drunk. She's also always pushed me to do my best to the point of being overbearing and I never felt like I could live up to her expectations.

Thank you for taking the time to read this wall of text.
 

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I read it and appreciate the time you put into it.

My question: The intense emotions and feelings you feel at the time... they stick with you afterwards?
 

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Jesus.

How good is your health plan? Does it cover visits to psychologists or psychiatrists?

If you really think you have a problem it's important to take appropriate measures. If you think it's something that will go away, then ride it out. Could be a situational thing. However, a VERY important question you're going to have answer yourself: does events like this happen on a regular basis?
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I'm going to an NHS funded psychiatrist. I live in the UK where we have publicly funded healthcare.
 

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Then let me provide some perspective:

You're talking right now to a self-diagnosed schizotype. We feel very strong emotions too (albeit all mixed up and a chaotic jumble) except we can't remember it. In other words emotions have no effect on the long-term development of our personalities.

Even if I temporarily feel jealousy or possessiveness or depression it goes away in a couple of hours and my emotions pretty much completely reset. Normals are sort of like that too, except for them an echo of the emotions linger around in recognizable form. For us even the echoes disappear.

You appear to have the opposite problem where the emotions never reset and they come back over and over again.

Psychiatry will put labels on you, and that's ok, but psychiatry is a very, very flawed science so a healthy dose of skepticism is important.

My guess is there's something wrong with your emotional processing. Start doing some research on your own. The internet can be useful. Use it.
 

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Here I am again with more sob stories. But I think I might have borderline personality disorder. I'm going to go see a psychiatrist later this week but I just want to see if my suspicions are reasonable. It could be something else. People who have read my threads know that I have struggled with depression before.
I don't think have enough information to say whether or not I think you have BPD but I will say a few things.

Abandonment issues, risky behaviour and intense emotional reactions are definitely indicative of BPD tendencies.
Do you feel insecure about who you are? Like not really knowing what your identity is? Because that's another main one.

Also, I'm not sure if you've read, but an abusive/unstable/emotional caregiver is (From what I understand) often a cause for BPD. I'm not sure also how much you know about what counts as abuse, but from what you've said she's not borderline abusive, she is abusive period.
Abuse doesn't have to be overt or physical... and I think especially when it's
- a caregiver
- happened while you were young, developing, and dependent on that person.

Finally, marigold is kind of right when they say your emotions are an issue. The term used in psychology is emotional dysregulation, and that's what it sounds like you're dealing with.. and what's found in people with BPD. I recommend reading about it because knowledge is always power in psychology =)

Here's the wikipedia article about it
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_dysregulation

There's lots you can do to treat it too - I study psychology, I"m only early on in my degree but I've completely recovered from several chronic mental illnesses and I know a huge amount about some different things you can do to empower yourself. So if you want to talk about it further, don't hesitate to message me.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
I don't think have enough information to say whether or not I think you have BPD but I will say a few things.

Abandonment issues, risky behaviour and intense emotional reactions are definitely indicative of BPD tendencies.
Do you feel insecure about who you are? Like not really knowing what your identity is? Because that's another main one.
I'm not really sure about this one. I mean, some days I just wonder what the hell I'm going to do with my life but I think that is the case for students really.

In terms of social situations I guess I can be a bit of a chameleon. Like there are ways I would act with one friend which I certainly wouldn't with the other. For example, there is no way I would tell my friends on my course what I have told to the friend I'm talking about here. Like I said, not very sure about this one.
 

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I'm not really sure about this one. I mean, some days I just wonder what the hell I'm going to do with my life but I think that is the case for students really.

In terms of social situations I guess I can be a bit of a chameleon. Like there are ways I would act with one friend which I certainly wouldn't with the other. For example, there is no way I would tell my friends on my course what I have told to the friend I'm talking about here. Like I said, not very sure about this one.
Blah sorry, that's my fault I was being a bit vague. Rather than talking about my understanding I'll just like this, haha, don't feel obligated to read it all it's just some info on that particular issue people with BPD often have

Identity Disturbance — Out of the FOG
 
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Discussion Starter #10
Blah sorry, that's my fault I was being a bit vague. Rather than talking about my understanding I'll just like this, haha, don't feel obligated to read it all it's just some info on that particular issue people with BPD often have

Identity Disturbance — Out of the FOG
Ah. In that case yes. For example, some days I feel amazing, beautiful, and ready to do anything. But other days I feel totally useless and hideous and can barely get myself out of bed. Also, when I'm going out, I give the impression of a really flirty party girl. The alcohol boosts my confidence. When I'm sober though, I'm very introverted and probably wouldn't have the guts to do what I do when drunk.
 

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Ah. In that case yes. For example, some days I feel amazing, beautiful, and ready to do anything. But other days I feel totally useless and hideous and can barely get myself out of bed. Also, when I'm going out, I give the impression of a really flirty party girl. The alcohol boosts my confidence. When I'm sober though, I'm very introverted and probably wouldn't have the guts to do what I do when drunk.
Ah yep - well it sounds to me like you have BPD. If you want to browse how to treat it, googling Dialectical Behavioural Therapy will be helpful =)
 
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Discussion Starter #12 (Edited)
Looks like my suspicions may be correct :(

If anyone else wants to offer some more insight though, feel free.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
My friend just admitted he found my behaviour pretty strange last week even though he said he's not all that bothered. But I can't help but feel he's covering something up. I'm giving him some space for a few days but at the same time I want to talk to him. I've calmed down quite since the weekend but I'm still anxious that I've screwed our friendship up. I don't know which course of action to take :(
 

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Give him room. At the worst you can always find other friends. It's not the end of the world.

Revealing (really crazy) emotional states to people who thought they knew you is always a leap of faith. I've done it too. Don't know what the results will be but the important thing is to remember that whatever happens you can handle it.

It helps keep the paranoia in check.

(Maybe they hate me now. Oh well).

At some point you get tired of hiding.
 

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My friend just admitted he found my behaviour pretty strange last week even though he said he's not all that bothered. But I can't help but feel he's covering something up. I'm giving him some space for a few days but at the same time I want to talk to him. I've calmed down quite since the weekend but I'm still anxious that I've screwed our friendship up. I don't know which course of action to take :(
If he's admitted that he found it strange but also said he's not that bothered, I would try to trust him. If he was lying to you, he probably would have said that he didn't find it strange. He was honest to you about that, chances are he's being honest about not being too bothered.

I totally understand why you'd be anxious, but I wouldn't worry too much. Just try to stay cool =)
 
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