I have such a huge rant coming on, that I'm afraid to begin the kersplosion. Please just bypass this...I'm not editing it...and it's just rambling - but I had to so I could bring my blood pressure down. Thanks for giving me a place to do this. So here I go <jumps in with both feet>
I'm sick of it. I'm SICK to DEATH of doing everything by myself. I would WELCOME people to help, BUT where the FUCK is everyone? I feel like I BARELY get through every minute of everyday. I've continually pushed myself out of my comfort zone every fucking day for years on end to make sure I provide for my son. I have no support network, no child support (EVER in 15 years). My family is too busy being crazy themselves. If I have an issue, they have a BIGGER issue.
I'm not allowed to let myself fall apart. I'm not ALLOWED. I tried. I actually DID. We ended up homeless. TWICE. Within one year. And I'M A BUSINESS PROFESSIONAL. Everyone just looks the other way and waits for me to get ahold of myself. I cannot even express to anyone one teensy, tiny, but just how much, how INTENSELY I've had to hold things together because OTHERS can't fucking handle it. And because I can't bear to see my son suffer.
I barely deal with work. But then they WANT me to TRY. To exert myself. To go outside of my comfort zone. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I know I might make it look easy, but REALLY? I push myself to my limits, and all I get is that I need to actually try now. OMFG. Do TEN different things in one day, when ONE of those TEN things alone just about make me fall apart. And I don't even have anyone to talk it over with. When I'm home I have to completely play it cool because my son can tell when I'm stuffing things, so I have to do a doozy of an act - because HE HAS to have some sort of STABILITY after these last three years of him being in the ER twice & once was admitted for 7 days for suicide watch. Do you KNOW what it's like to go through that by yourself with no spouse, no family, NOBODY. I just have two cats I get to stare at and hope to god I keep myself together.
Going through that and more, and to be able to even have a job and even DO the job is a FUCKING miracle to me. By myself. By. Myself. No best friend. No confident. Me, myself, and I. That's it. THAT's FUCKING IT. And I'm starting to get a grip on it all, I'm starting to heal, I mean I'm holding a job...I'm even holding onto it. I think I might even be good at it. And now there's a new Director in charge, who barges in and changes everything without a thought to what the frick she's doing, and now they're like ohh, apply for this position for more responsibility blah blah blah. Really? I need TWO FUCKING minutes, just TWO FUCKING minutes that aren't in turmoil in chaos. I haven't had a moment where everything is stable and ok so that I can catch my breath.
It's most likely because they have confidence in me, but I don't. I'm SCARED. I don't want to push myself any harder because if I have another breakdown there's a good chance I won't recover. And I must stay ok. I HAVE to. I'm being given "helpful" advice from coworkers, but they have absolutely no concept of what's going on inside of me. They can't. I don't want them to, I would feel horrible if I let all of that loose. But if I ever fall apart again, that's it. For me, my son, & my two cats (don't laugh...it's all I have, so it's ridiculously important to me that they're ok.) My cats would end up at a shelter & my son in foster care, which is pretty much a death sentence in this country. I don't THINK that, I was faced with that very real possibility for the last three years.
But I did fall apart. And I went to my family, I went to the people that I had always been there for. Always strong for everyone else. And they...literally...turned their back on me. Only one spoke up...my brother... what he said explained it all...You've always been there for us, we don't know how to be there for you. And then that was it.
Do you know how ALONE this has been. How hard. How overwhelming. How slow to rebuild. How sometimes it's a matter of getting through a second at a time. Yes, a second at a time. I am not even slightly exagerrating. And now I've finally reached some semblance of a hope that we just might get through this...and now I'm getting dog piled to actually exert myself? OMFG, I want to scream. I want to cry...well, I already do that. It makes me so mad. I hate that all of what I've gone through has been invisible to almost everybody. I still have to try and live to standards of somebody who hasn't gone through any of this, and I'm so worn. out.
At home I have to be stoic. At work I have to be professional. Only inside of me has this war been raging. If I even open my mouth I'm reminded that everyone else is having a hard time, that I have to suck it up, etc. I KNOW, I KNOW THAT!!! But OMG, I've had more reality for one life than one person should have to suffer through. ANYONE. Someone just FUCKING LIE to me and tell me it's ok. That everything's ok and will be ok. That I'll be ok. That my son will be ok. Just fugodfreakshitack! ArGH. Do I have, Tell me all about reality because I really have no clue stamped all over my forehead? Just because I'm laughing & happy in the moment doesn't MEAN I'm in denial, it's called COPING. I don't need people pissing on my parade, I'm already swimming in it. Let me have that. Let me have my laughter, because that's all I have. It's how I've gotten through. My sense of humor. It's NOT denial. It's all I have left. /rant
