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247 Posts
oh dear god this turned out to be so long. I'm sorry. :blushed:
New here
I don't know that my bf has been typed, but I've spent years reading about MBTI types (I can't figure out my own anymore - 15 years ago I tested as ENTP, but lately I test as ISTP or INTP every damn time - I have my theories), and he's pretty much a dead ringer for y'all.
I'll try to keep this brief. Whirlwind start to an amazing relationship - which started long distance (we met in his town, he came to see me in mine, I went to his, etc). We spoke for hours every night, texted nonstop, everything was amazing and perfect. And then (dun dun DUN), his life went to complete shit.
For the last six to eight weeks, nothing has gone right for him - money, job, friendships, etc. And this on top of a several year bout with bad things happening - two of his closest friends died a few years ago, his parents are in constant financial disaster, his band (he managed them, is not a performer) split up, he was laid off, on and on and on. And he's finding himself in a continual BAD PLACE, where he feels inadequate and that he's not made of himself what he expected to by this age (mid thirties).
I misinterpreted his needs for several weeks - remember, we're long distance, so the only "reaching out" we can do is by text (preferably) or phone (not so preferable for either of us, really). Our phone calls had become halting and awkward the deeper he went into his "I NEED SPACE AND QUIET" place (he never told me he needed these things, just kept calling out of obligation - ARGH). Of course I felt like he was more or less abandoning me - after the intense period of togetherness and synergy, to feel him push me away and shut me out was devastating; we were SO compatible, and suddenly nothing was working.
We almost broke up a few times, but this last time (yesterday) we had a long discussion by text and decided to try, really hard and slowly and carefully, to make it work while working on our own issues individually and our together issues - together. It makes me feel better that he does want to try, but we have one sticking issue that is really killing it for me.
He can not make plans. I understand this; I don't like to make plans myself - but in a long distance relationship, there has got to be SOME idea of when we can see one another again, right? So, once I realized he will not make any plans to see me, I started trying the spontaneous route - "hey, I can be up there Friday night, whaddya say?" Stonewalled.
Naturally, my thoughts wander - is there someone in his town that doesn't know about me?!?! BUT - two things. First, I've met most of his friends and been to all his hangouts with him, public affection and all. Second - there's no way this man would waste his time on the drama and juggling of two women at once. No freaking way, he's far too practical and logical, and he doesn't waste time on ANYTHING that doesn't make complete sense. It's hard not to let my mind wander down the "is there someone else" road, but logic tells me it's not in his nature, he's not a player.
I've decided that I won't offer to come up and see him, and try to see if he ever takes the initiative to either invite me or come down to see me. I'm thinking - it MUST be that it has to be his idea. I'm very similar - I'm extremely proactive when it comes to the things I want, and I want them on my damn terms. He's only brought up a potential planned visit once, since his first trip down here, and I stonewalled HIM because it wasn't the plan I had in mind. That was dumb, I know, but I was pissed.
So, he's stubborn to begin with, he's fiercely independent (he has talked to me a bit about his feelings - in a logical and unemotional way, of course - about his life and where he's at now, and how bad he's taking things... so I know he really cares about and values me a great deal), and he's stuck in a massive rut. He barely talks at all right now, does not reach out on his own, hardly responds when I text him. It's been sort of a declining pattern over the last six weeks, culminating in a huge block of silence that forced me to recognize his personality type and what I had been doing wrong all along.
I'm all over the place here, my apologies.
Here's what I want to know. Help me
I want to do something for him. Something that actually is helpful, not smothering, not demeaning, and certainly not robbing him of his independence or his freedom. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I know that I WANT to show up at his door and drag him off to the river (his favorite spot), and, you know, seduce him (I miss BEING WITH him, if you know what I mean), but that would be presumptive and it would be SO not on his terms. While he'd love the sex part, he would HATE me taking control like that.
To be the best friend I can to him, I've just sent him a funny text here and there, and been available if he wants to reach out. I have this DRIVE to be more proactive, but I can't figure out what, if anything, I could do that would actually be seen as wonderful, and not "clingy" or "smothering".
I have no problem with waiting things out, giving him miles of space, and letting him come to me. I've already resolved that this is how the relationship is going to work, and even when it feels like he'll NEVER EVER come to me, he always does, eventually. I'm not terribly patient, so it feels like forever - and to him, it never feels like much time has passed at all. In fact, I'm pretty sure one of the highlights of this relationship for him (as opposed to priors) is that I do live so far away, and I can't physically smother him. Even though he has talked about living together and being with each other long term, physically, etc - I know he's nowhere near ready for that, he's never been married and has lived alone for many years.
I've typed too much already. I would love some feedback from other ISTPs - if you were in a major life crisis and were in a state of pretty much constant shut-down, is there ANYTHING you would appreciate your significant other doing for you, other than shutting the fuck up and leaving you alone?
Also - is there any way for me to approach the "time together" subject without him stonewalling me? I will be in his town next weekend for work, and I actually considered breezing in and out and not letting him know till after, but I know he'd be so hurt by that... yet, he won't even entertain the idea of me swinging up there for an overnight visit, even when his schedule allows it... there's always some reason why it's not a good time. A part of me thinks he's just in SUCH a rut and bad place that he doesn't WANT to have to "look happy" for me, it's too much effort and he's perfectly fine alone right now. I can't imagine someone turning down sex when it's RIGHT THERE WAITING FOR THEM, and it's a bit of an ego blow, but....
maybe someone can help me understand these things. I want to make things work with him, and I want to be the best girlfriend I can. We have so few issues, all of which are exacerbated by us living so far apart - I can deal with all of them, if somehow, some way, I can feel useful. He refuses to ask me for ANYTHING, even space or quiet time. It's maddening - but I want to learn
New here
I don't know that my bf has been typed, but I've spent years reading about MBTI types (I can't figure out my own anymore - 15 years ago I tested as ENTP, but lately I test as ISTP or INTP every damn time - I have my theories), and he's pretty much a dead ringer for y'all.
I'll try to keep this brief. Whirlwind start to an amazing relationship - which started long distance (we met in his town, he came to see me in mine, I went to his, etc). We spoke for hours every night, texted nonstop, everything was amazing and perfect. And then (dun dun DUN), his life went to complete shit.
For the last six to eight weeks, nothing has gone right for him - money, job, friendships, etc. And this on top of a several year bout with bad things happening - two of his closest friends died a few years ago, his parents are in constant financial disaster, his band (he managed them, is not a performer) split up, he was laid off, on and on and on. And he's finding himself in a continual BAD PLACE, where he feels inadequate and that he's not made of himself what he expected to by this age (mid thirties).
I misinterpreted his needs for several weeks - remember, we're long distance, so the only "reaching out" we can do is by text (preferably) or phone (not so preferable for either of us, really). Our phone calls had become halting and awkward the deeper he went into his "I NEED SPACE AND QUIET" place (he never told me he needed these things, just kept calling out of obligation - ARGH). Of course I felt like he was more or less abandoning me - after the intense period of togetherness and synergy, to feel him push me away and shut me out was devastating; we were SO compatible, and suddenly nothing was working.
We almost broke up a few times, but this last time (yesterday) we had a long discussion by text and decided to try, really hard and slowly and carefully, to make it work while working on our own issues individually and our together issues - together. It makes me feel better that he does want to try, but we have one sticking issue that is really killing it for me.
He can not make plans. I understand this; I don't like to make plans myself - but in a long distance relationship, there has got to be SOME idea of when we can see one another again, right? So, once I realized he will not make any plans to see me, I started trying the spontaneous route - "hey, I can be up there Friday night, whaddya say?" Stonewalled.
Naturally, my thoughts wander - is there someone in his town that doesn't know about me?!?! BUT - two things. First, I've met most of his friends and been to all his hangouts with him, public affection and all. Second - there's no way this man would waste his time on the drama and juggling of two women at once. No freaking way, he's far too practical and logical, and he doesn't waste time on ANYTHING that doesn't make complete sense. It's hard not to let my mind wander down the "is there someone else" road, but logic tells me it's not in his nature, he's not a player.
I've decided that I won't offer to come up and see him, and try to see if he ever takes the initiative to either invite me or come down to see me. I'm thinking - it MUST be that it has to be his idea. I'm very similar - I'm extremely proactive when it comes to the things I want, and I want them on my damn terms. He's only brought up a potential planned visit once, since his first trip down here, and I stonewalled HIM because it wasn't the plan I had in mind. That was dumb, I know, but I was pissed.
So, he's stubborn to begin with, he's fiercely independent (he has talked to me a bit about his feelings - in a logical and unemotional way, of course - about his life and where he's at now, and how bad he's taking things... so I know he really cares about and values me a great deal), and he's stuck in a massive rut. He barely talks at all right now, does not reach out on his own, hardly responds when I text him. It's been sort of a declining pattern over the last six weeks, culminating in a huge block of silence that forced me to recognize his personality type and what I had been doing wrong all along.
I'm all over the place here, my apologies.
Here's what I want to know. Help me
I want to do something for him. Something that actually is helpful, not smothering, not demeaning, and certainly not robbing him of his independence or his freedom. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I know that I WANT to show up at his door and drag him off to the river (his favorite spot), and, you know, seduce him (I miss BEING WITH him, if you know what I mean), but that would be presumptive and it would be SO not on his terms. While he'd love the sex part, he would HATE me taking control like that.
To be the best friend I can to him, I've just sent him a funny text here and there, and been available if he wants to reach out. I have this DRIVE to be more proactive, but I can't figure out what, if anything, I could do that would actually be seen as wonderful, and not "clingy" or "smothering".
I have no problem with waiting things out, giving him miles of space, and letting him come to me. I've already resolved that this is how the relationship is going to work, and even when it feels like he'll NEVER EVER come to me, he always does, eventually. I'm not terribly patient, so it feels like forever - and to him, it never feels like much time has passed at all. In fact, I'm pretty sure one of the highlights of this relationship for him (as opposed to priors) is that I do live so far away, and I can't physically smother him. Even though he has talked about living together and being with each other long term, physically, etc - I know he's nowhere near ready for that, he's never been married and has lived alone for many years.
I've typed too much already. I would love some feedback from other ISTPs - if you were in a major life crisis and were in a state of pretty much constant shut-down, is there ANYTHING you would appreciate your significant other doing for you, other than shutting the fuck up and leaving you alone?
Also - is there any way for me to approach the "time together" subject without him stonewalling me? I will be in his town next weekend for work, and I actually considered breezing in and out and not letting him know till after, but I know he'd be so hurt by that... yet, he won't even entertain the idea of me swinging up there for an overnight visit, even when his schedule allows it... there's always some reason why it's not a good time. A part of me thinks he's just in SUCH a rut and bad place that he doesn't WANT to have to "look happy" for me, it's too much effort and he's perfectly fine alone right now. I can't imagine someone turning down sex when it's RIGHT THERE WAITING FOR THEM, and it's a bit of an ego blow, but....
maybe someone can help me understand these things. I want to make things work with him, and I want to be the best girlfriend I can. We have so few issues, all of which are exacerbated by us living so far apart - I can deal with all of them, if somehow, some way, I can feel useful. He refuses to ask me for ANYTHING, even space or quiet time. It's maddening - but I want to learn