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Discussion Starter #1
Hi INFPs,

This is a continuation of what I posted here. Though you don't have to read the previous thread to understand the situation.

http://personalitycafe.com/enfj-forum-givers/93521-problem-infp-mind-vs-heart.html

I am in a weird and confusing situation...

-Mr. INFP, a classmate from my Education class and I became very close emotionally. He drove in this weekend from out of town for a party and also give me some wine and mead he made.

-Problem at hand: girl he dated for 2 years suddenly stopped talking to him 4 months ago. He told her he wanted to travel after graduation (in Jan. 2012) and she stopped talking to him. She re-appeared in life a few weeks back and wants to give things another go. Meanwhile, him and I have got to become very close.

-We decided to give each other some space and stop talking for a week or two. For one, I told him it was wrong for us to continue daily contact & continue to get close because he is trying to work out whether to start something with me or go back to the other girl. When I saw him in person he told me that he missed me so much and said he was in a serious amount of pain (actually, he said he started to cut himself)

-We hung out in his car for about 5-6 hours. One thing led to another and we started to make out. It was really intense and incredibly passionate. I also tired to make it fun :) A few times I had to calm him down and make sure to keep his mind in the present and remind him to enjoy the time we are having (we both tend to over analyze). This was the first time we had any physical contact. With out a doubt, we were both into it. We had to stop because neither of us wanted to take it too far.

-At some point, we both got really emotional and held each other (because we both knew that he was struggling between me and the other girl & this was causing me pain and him pain). Funny thing is, this other girl lives in the same town as me. He drove in from out of town and chose to spend that night with me. I pointed this out to him too...

-The next day, he told me he felt regretful and guilty for what happened between us. He said he drank a bit much and will have to blame the incident on that. He said it is fair to tell the other girl what happened between us. To be honest, he really wasn't that drunk. He told me feels "guilty" again because he has not totally closed the door with the other girl. They are not in a relationship or dating, but she has re-appeared in his life. He said he feels empty and hollow when he is with her, but feels deeply understood and accepted with me (hence his constant mind vs. heart struggle). He said they text each other daily, but maybe 2-3 texts. With me, it was at least 15 text a day and sometimes phone calls. Though, we've stopped this because i told him i could not be in a "pseudo relationship" and build this deep connection without anything more. Further, I told him he needs to devote his attention to either me or her, and that their is always this element of emotional cheating if he gets back with her and continues to talk to me.

- I asked him when we should contact one another next. He said he needs time to think about things - so 2-3 weeks, but said he does not want to set a concrete date.

-I told him he will have to decide soon because I don't want this to carry on during the summer. I told him I will always be there whether he decides on me or the other girl, though I reminded him we will rarely talk and will likely keep to a few topics because I don' want to develop anything emotional with him while he is dating the other girl.

-He said he fears starting anything with me, because he won't be able to handle it if we ever break up. He broke with an ex of 4 years who cheated on him with his best friend, and he attempted to commit suicide. He said he does not want to get into anything with me because of his emotional baggage. I held him close and told him that I understand, but can handle some of his pain, but also agreed that I cannot "fix" or counsel him, something we both decided would not be right for either of us (cause he will think he is using me & he doesn't wan to do this). Furthermore, he has desires to travel for a while after he graduates in January. I finish in April next year. I want to travel too. He is 24 & I am 26 and we are both doing post-degrees in Education.


Ugh, I am so confused. I feel no anger towards him, but an immense amount of care and understanding and closeness. Don't know what to do.
 

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I don't really have any advice to give, but you sound like such a nice, good person, I hope everything works out for you. He sounds like he's interested in you and not her, but maybe the lack of closure when she first left is still confusing him, and he's trying to find that closure now?

 

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Thanks for the support locofoco. I think it might be more than finding closure, it is this idea of going back to what they had before. I mean, I can't compete with an old-hat can I? lol. Well, you know what I mean

I don't really have any advice to give, but you sound like such a nice, good person, I hope everything works out for you. He sounds like he's interested in you and not her, but maybe the lack of closure when she first left is still confusing him, and he's trying to find that closure now?

 
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@ThirdArcade : I have to appologise, I only skimmed through your post, I'm already late and have to do 3 more things before I go, just wanted to respond, I'm not sure what you can do about it except have fun with him without taking it more deep than he is ready for. He has to make a decision...till that you can still be friends and have fun together, some of the best relationships start like that, but not sure if one can handle all the emotional trauma. Take care!
 

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Passing by to say that this is actually going better than I thought it would continue after your last posts. With all that has been said both have opened up and went to the next step, now you only need to have a little patience and wait until he resolves his doubts, but I think that once he does it both of you will be able to continue on your journey.

You could go with him to travel if he accepts. I know a couple interesting places in my country that any NF would love to see.
 

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I hope he resolves his doubts sooner than later. Ah, Argentina! Well you'll have to tell me a few places an NF would love. We are both romantics at heart. I don't know, the both of us like to travel independently, though I am thinking it would be nice to meet up at some point.

Passing by to say that this is actually going better than I thought it would continue after your last posts. With all that has been said both have opened up and went to the next step, now you only need to have a little patience and wait until he resolves his doubts, but I think that once he does it both of you will be able to continue on your journey.

You could go with him to travel if he accepts. I know a couple interesting places in my country that any NF would love to see.
 

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Thanks, Razvan. It is amazing to think that we have emotional, mental and physical chemistry. I think he is scared to get involved with me because of how difficult it is for him to deal with break-ups. So, he is playing it safe. I will respect his space, but I have my time limits too!

@ThirdArcade : I have to appologise, I only skimmed through your post, I'm already late and have to do 3 more things before I go, just wanted to respond, I'm not sure what you can do about it except have fun with him without taking it more deep than he is ready for. He has to make a decision...till that you can still be friends and have fun together, some of the best relationships start like that, but not sure if one can handle all the emotional trauma. Take care!
 
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I hope he resolves his doubts sooner than later. Ah, Argentina! Well you'll have to tell me a few places an NF would love. We are both romantics at heart. I don't know, the both of us like to travel independently, though I am thinking it would be nice to meet up at some point.
A few places:

Perito Moreno Glacier - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (I was there last Tuesday, my legs are still sore from all that walking :p)
Iguazu Falls - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Valdes Peninsula - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (I used to live in one of the cities near this region)
 
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@Tincan, thanks. It feels good to hear that.

You both sound like very mature and nice people, I hope this works out for you. I have no advice really so I'll back off.
 

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Yeah, you really do sound like a stellar person and he’s definitely not BSing when he tells you that he feels understood by you (not that his authenticity was being called into question). It’s in the INFP nature to choose with the heart in a situation like this and I get why there’s a conflict between that and his mind, but when the dust settles it would be very surprising to me if he didn’t want you. Feeling accepted is too a great a deal for almost anyone and I’m sure that this is something in you that he hasn’t found in too many other women. His hesitance to enter a relationship with you is understandable given that he feels things as deeply as he does, but it doesn’t seem so fair to write off a relationship just like that, especially after finding someone so special.



Truthfully your handle on this seems really good from an outside perspective and it goes without saying that if a real relationship doesn’t materialize it’s too much less you than it is him. That doesn’t make it easier though, because you care about his well being. There isn’t much else you can do (unfortunately [but, maybe not though]) since you’ve taken pretty much all the necessary steps as someone that cares about his feelings and is responsible with her own, as well. It makes sense to feel confused in this situation as the word describes the situation itself. It’s important that you understand that just because you have very little perceived control of it right now doesn’t mean that this isn’t definitely going to resolve itself. Correct me if I’m naïve. You really do seem to have a wonderful grasp of it though and I hope that you end up happy with how this turns out. In the long run you will, I’m sure.
 

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@ThirdArcade, thanks for conjuring me to this thread ^^ I'm typing this from my phone, if it's alright I'll get back to you once I'm at my computer.
 

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My heart says you are a good person.

My mind says he is unstable (suicide stuff)..avoid avoid avoid...

o.o do what you think is best INFPs differ from each other...you should look at who he is and not at what type he is. Follow your intuition (notice I didn't say follow your heart...because the heart can make stupid decisions that we regret later on....crap..that is personal experience talking out of me)
 

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I'm honored for the summon, though I don't think you'll like what I have to say at this point.... Of course, it's just my take on things, so take it with a grain of salt.

I agree with @Rim; he sounds unstable. IMO, he has personal issues to work on regarding relationships, breakups, and coping. In the other thread, it sounded like the decision was more mutually mature than all that. These added details definitely make it sound like he's a ticking time bomb and you're going to get caught in the next blast. Red flag warning: it feels to me like he's playing the sympathy card by mentioning cutting himself. Given, it might be legit, but it could just be a ploy. INFPs can be manipulative too and this situation has all sorts of warning signs.

My theory is that he's emotional before leaving and wants someone to come back to because he hasn't worked out how to live without a partner. It seems to me he'd benefit greatly from fully breaking up with his ex (who seems like a Feeler and took his wanting to travel as a slap in the face) and spending his travels in singledom and contemplation.

You're still coming across as the more grounded of the pair, but are getting caught up in his emotions out of empathy (and believe me, I know that feeling all too well). It's completely natural, but it could become problematic if he pulls the same thing on you a few months down the line. He might not, but my gut and personal experience with a guy who still had a thing for his controlling ex say otherwise.

Again, just my take on things; I could be way off base, since I definitely don't know the situation firsthand. This is absolutely 100% your call and you should do what you feel is right. Just...please be careful. For your own sake.
 

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He said he feels empty and hollow when he is with her, but feels deeply understood and accepted with me (hence his constant mind vs. heart struggle). He said they text each other daily, but maybe 2-3 texts. With me, it was at least 15 text a day and sometimes phone calls.
I think he knows who he really wants to be with. If this is the case, then maybe his emotional baggage is the only thing holding him back. So I guess his mind is telling him to go back to the 'old hat' because there's no risk of him not being able to take a break-up with her?

There are things he said, like cutting himself and trying to kill himself, that make me think he should look for some form of therapy. Not that I think he's going crazy or anything close to that, but I imagine it'd be easier for him to manage his feelings and stop inflicting harm on himself. And there's this hunch I have that he may unconsciously be too dependent on others for acceptance and happiness (maybe a type 4 looking for a 'savior'?). But it's just a guess, and I don't want to victimize or belittle him.

Your handling the situation pretty well. At least, I couldn't have done things so well; I don't have much experience in relationships :confused: ^^;

I hope things get better for you two. :happy:

Edit: I beleive @TrueNorth may have made some good points up there.
 

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There are things he said, like cutting himself and trying to kill himself, that make me think he should look for some form of therapy. Not that I think he's going crazy or anything close to that, but I imagine it'd be easier for him to manage his feelings and stop inflicting harm on himself. And there's this hunch I have that he may unconsciously be too dependent on others for acceptance and happiness (maybe a type 4 looking for a 'savior'?). But it's just a guess, and I don't want to victimize or belittle him.
Seems like a reasonable guess to me.

I poked around at the string of threads you've made about this guy, Third, and it seems more and more like wishful thinking on your part. Other posters on the forum have picked up on this guy's bad vibe and high likelihood of his using you as a rebound or as leverage to get over his ex, and I have to say I agree. I get that you'd really really like for this to work out, but it really looks like you're letting your idealism get the better of you....in some ways (more on this in a second).

Again, just my opinion, but the guy described in this thread doesn't seem like the same guy described here. A lot more of the grounding is coming from you, your gut, and the forum, rather than him.

Maybe I'm not giving him the credit he deserves, but it seems to me that your gut is telling you to be wary and that he's bad news. Listen to it. After all, you likely wouldn't be here seeking advice otherwise.

The choice is yours. Good luck!
 

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-----@ThirdArcade: You sound like a very sweet, patient, caring person. I hear that you have developed strong feelings for this INFP male--despite not necessarily wanting to under the circumstances. That must be very difficult. I feel for and with you.
-----Below, I list information and my opinion, but I of course respect your personal autonomy, so I am not telling you what to do. My pronoun use and informing interaction style are meant to be offered for your perusal--and not meant to be directives.
-----Giving people like to give. So guess who they end up attracting? Takers. The relationship goes on, maybe for a long time, with the giver giving and the taker taking. But no matter how self-sacrificing the giving person, there comes a point when the discrepancy becomes so unconscionable that the giving person will realize that they, too, have needs that need to be met. The thing about Givers giving to Takers is that eventually the Giver will have nothing left to give. A healthy relationship is not all give and no take (and neither is it all take and no give). Relationships only work when there are two people in them both working for the good of the other and the relationship--and it will only work so long as those things are true. In other words, most especially since you are a giving person, you need the love of a giving person. Such a relationship is called a reciprocal relationship. Reciprocity is one of the major requirements of a healthy relationship. Here are some articles that have helpful information on healthy relationships: Creating A Healthy Relationship; Am I in a Healthy Relationship?; Characteristics of Healthy Relationships - John Cloud, PhD; The 5 Truths About Relationships (That No One Ever Tells You) - The Huffington Post.
-----Giving people like to give--but sometimes they forget that there is one place where they should not be the sole one giving. That one place is within your significant relationship. For NFs, our primary relationship is our battery. When it's good, we have energy to spare. When not so good, we get drained. If you feel like you must fix or must rescue, then please consider that you can either do it once in a significant relationship at the cost of your mental well-being, or you can do it in a caring but detached manner to people outside the primary relationship--and have energy to spare because you are being energized by a healthy relationship.
-----I certainly think it is possible to give without expecting anything in return--which is something much of the population cannot comprehend. Most people are constantly, "What am I getting out of this?" This makes a selfless giver like you a prime target. So it is important to protect yourself. Sometimes people give selflessly because they have been taught that they do not have a right to have needs. Hopefully I am not the first to tell you this, but here goes: You have the right to have needs. What's more, you have the right to expect to be loved simply for being--and not for doing. The following articles are rough reads, and not always applicable, but there is a lot of good information to be gleaned from them: Is People Pleasing Keeping You From Pleasing The Right People? | Motivate Thyself; The Giving Persona or People Pleaser; DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?. Here are some tips for evaluating a relationship: Healthy Boundaries for Couples | eHow.com; Are You Dating a Loser? Identifying Losers, Controllers and Abusers, Page 1; How to Recognize a Codependent Spouse | eHow.com.
-----You mentioned that this young man has self-harmed. Self-harming is a major indicator of one of several very serious underlying conditions.
  • Self-harm is listed in the DSM-IV-TR as a symptom of borderline personality disorder. However patients with other diagnoses may also self-harm, including those with depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, schizophrenia, and several personality disorders. Self-harm is also apparent in high-functioning individuals who have no underlying clinical diagnosis. The motivations for self-harm vary and it may be used to fulfill a number of different functions. These functions include self-harm being used as a coping mechanism which provides temporary relief of intense feelings such as anxiety, depression, stress, emotional numbness or a sense of failure or self-loathing and other mental traits including low self-esteem or perfectionism. Self-harm is often associated with a history of trauma and abuse, including emotional and sexual abuse.
Self-injury is very likely tied to abuse. "[M]ost people who self-injure were chronically invalidated in some way as children (many self-injurers report abuse, but almost all report chronic invalidation). They never learned appropriate ways of expressing emotion and may have learned that emotions are bad and to be avoided." Self-injury: Beyond the Myths: http://buslist.org/pdf/factsheet.pdf. See also Emotional Neglect and Self-Harm: Cutting, Self Harm, Abuse.
-----You also mentioned that this young man has threatened suicide. Suicide is a leading cause of death for people seriously affected by mental illness. Depression, specifically, is a major cause of suicide. Over 90% of people who commit suicide are suffering from a mental illness at the time of death. Stop A Suicide - Suicide & Mental Illness. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-TALK (8255)) also provides information to the friends and family of people who have attempted or threatened suicide. Even a single threat or attempt should be taken seriously.
-----There's much more to know, including knowing about attachment styles, personality disorders, and personality-disordered behaviors, but this is already very long (sorry). Here is a list of the most common personality-disordered behaviors: Out of the FOG - Top 100 Behaviors & Traits of Individuals who suffer from Personality Disorders. What I see happening here is quite a bit of personality-disordered behavior from your romantic interest. The way he is pushing you away and then pulling you back belies a serious fear of intimacy. It's called Push Me-Pull You. Beyond the Borderline Personality: Push Me - Pull You : The Push-Pull Cycle. There is quite a bit of avoidant behavior as well--the message being sent seems to be, "Stay away a little closer." This article addresses some common reasons people get stuck in personality-disordered relationships: Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder. See also: Resources for Healthy Partners About Mental Illness | Partners in Wellness.
-----Back to MBTI for a moment, it is wise to work on developing your first two cognitive functions and integrating your tertiary and inferior functions before making serious relationship decisions.
  • The inferior function seems to have its own agenda, exhibiting needs and desires that seem contrary to the dominant function. What often results is a sort of love-hate, either-or situation, in which one alternates between indulging and depriving the inferior. Less obvious, but no less problematic, is the way in which the inferior can unconsciously influence decision-making. As I’ve discussed elsewhere, the inferior function is the primary culprit in unwise career and relational decision-making. Unfortunately, its influence peaks in Phase II of type development, which happens to be the same time people are making life-altering decisions about their careers and relationships.
That from: Personality Junkie | INFJ. See also this excellent article: INFJ, INFP, INTP, INTJ Relationships, Compatibility, & the Inferior Function | Personality Junkie.
-----@TrueNorth, @Rim, and @eyenexepee (below), have given good advice. And I think you know that this relationship is negatively affecting you. Perhaps my advice above seems selfish. Here's the thing, though, a selfless person's "selfish" is still less selfish than the average person's "selfless." What I am saying is that you are being far too selfless.
-----Let me ask you, do you think kind people should be treated poorly? I know you don't! Now, suppose you meet a wonderful kind and caring person--how will you treat him or her? Just take a moment and think about it. In all likelihood you would treat that person very well. I care, too (believe it or not!), but who I care about right now is that kind and caring person we were just hypothesizing about. She's right here in front of me, and her name is ThirdArcade (all right, so that's not your real name, but you get the idea). Please treat her right. She deserves to be treated right and supported. She deserves happiness. She is entitled to have needs. Please put at least the same amount of time into treating her kindly that she spends in treating others kindly.
~~~----~~~~----~~~~
P.S. The thing about people with serious personality-disordered behaviors is this: 1. the normal, caring, comforting thing to do may be precisely the wrong thing to do (for example, trying to hug someone with BPD when they appear distressed is the wrong thing to do (it will trigger intense feelings of panic)), and after a while in contact with a personality-disordered person, a non-personality-disordered person can lose track of what is relatively normal and acceptable in the outside world, and 2. people with these issues often don't want to be helped, don't realize there is a problem, or are afraid to face those problems--and even bringing those issues up can trigger panicked--sometimes even dangerous--behavior. Sometimes the best way to help is by not helping--by letting that person manage their own emotions. And by refusing to become a dumping ground for their negative emotions. But I get it, you are compassionate. Consider seeing an NF therapist and asking for advice on what else you can safely and effectively do (in a way that actually helps the young man--which is impossible to know without psychological training).
 

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Hello @ThirdArcade,

I've got some time now, here's a few things that I would like to point out. I realize that what I'm telling you is not going to make me popular in any way. I do not intend to hurt you - I'm being honest and I have your well-being in mind firstly, then his, then hers.

When I saw him in person he told me that he missed me so much and said he was in a serious amount of pain (actually, he said he started to cut himself)
I've seen some Tumblr blogs of people who are fascinated with blood and cuts and self-injury - and perhaps actually cut themselves. I don't know much about it, supposedly it is calming for them to cut themselves and see their own blood flow. I imagine that they focus so much on the physical pain and the blood that it's like a tool for them to 'cut' themselves off from their other problems. One thing I know for sure is that it is not a healthy way of coping with problems.

It was really intense and incredibly passionate. I also tired to make it fun :)
What do you mean, you tried to make it fun? I find it such a weird phrase... If you tried some fun 'stuff' during passionate love making, okay I get that (and surely you may keep the details to yourself ^^), but making your 'love making' fun? There aren't a lot of people who'd say such a thing. I mean, I find 'making out' not something that I need to make fun or something, because it is fun. Maybe I'm reading into that sentence a bit too much, but eh... Yah, what exactly do you mean?! ^^;

-At some point, we both got really emotional and held each other (because we both knew that he was struggling between me and the other girl & this was causing me pain and him pain). Funny thing is, this other girl lives in the same town as me. He drove in from out of town and chose to spend that night with me. I pointed this out to him too...
From my point of view, it doesn't mean that much that he spent the night with you. He had two choices, there can be a bunch of interpretations as to why he spent it with you. Perhaps it cost him less gas to drive to your place than to hers (okay, that's a ridiculous reason, but bear with me), or he flipped a coin, or chose on a gut feeling, or he called her and had a fight so he drove to your place, or he thought he would spend an evening with you to see how 'far' he could go, or perhaps, he really wanted to be with you.

So from my point of view, given what you've told us so far, his choice to spend the evening with you isn't really significant in telling if he wants to be with you or not.

-I told him he will have to decide soon because I don't want this to carry on during the summer. I told him I will always be there whether he decides on me or the other girl, though I reminded him we will rarely talk and will likely keep to a few topics because I don' want to develop anything emotional with him while he is dating the other girl.
If he's an INFP and behaves like the stereotypical INFP descriptions, you might have to bug him over and over to get him to decide. But even without knowing his type, one can tell from your posts that he's stalling his decision. To be honest, this is not fair, not to you, not to her.

-He said he fears starting anything with me, because he won't be able to handle it if we ever break up. He broke with an ex of 4 years who cheated on him with his best friend, and he attempted to commit suicide. He said he does not want to get into anything with me because of his emotional baggage. I held him close and told him that I understand, but can handle some of his pain, but also agreed that I cannot "fix" or counsel him, something we both decided would not be right for either of us (cause he will think he is using me & he doesn't wan to do this). Furthermore, he has desires to travel for a while after he graduates in January. I finish in April next year. I want to travel too. He is 24 & I am 26 and we are both doing post-degrees in Education.
His attempt at suicide, combined with what you told us about cutting himself, sets off an extremely loud alarm bell in my head (which may be the reason I sound harsh throughout my post). Surely my heart has been broken before, up to the point that I thought nothing made sense anymore, that I had lost the main reason for my life being great... But not up to the point of attempting suicide.

At the risk of sounding offensive... I don't know him as well as you do obviously, but are you sure this is not a (unintentional) ploy of his to get your sym-/empathy? Have you been able to verify whether he really attempted suicide and cut himself?

Assuming he did not lie about these things, then he's right: he shouldn't not saddle you up with his emotional baggage, and you're right: you cannot fix him or counsel him. Not only because he may feel he'd be using you, but because you'd be in a relationship that is skewered: you'd be the rescuer and he'd be the victim. I'm not saying that you couldn't handle it, I am saying that this is an uneven relationship that, if not resolved properly, will eventually break the both of you. Much like therapists and doctors shouldn't date their patients.

A proper resolution is for him to solve his issues, whether with professional help or not, but not with yours. Also, not with her help either. I can sympathize with your INFP in the sense of not wanting to be alone, wanting a shoulder to cry on, wanting arms that wrap me up in a heartfelt hug etc... But to resort to romantic relationships, this is not right, not in this situation.

As for the issue of him wanting to travel when he's done studying... I don't really see an issue here (assuming you end up having a healthy relationship). From January to April is what, 3 months! 12 weeks! Can't he plan his travels 3 months later so you can travel together?

Okay so maybe he, or the both of you, have reasonable reasons to want to travel alone. I don't see an issue here either. Assuming you'd travel for half a year, then you wouldn't see each other for at least 9 months. This is doable if you talk it through - you're 26 and he's 24, you're grown up people. Unless one of you is the type of person to not be able to bear missing someone for more than a month or so (because of trust issues), sure, I can see how that will cause problems.

-The next day, he told me he felt regretful and guilty
[...]
Ugh, I am so confused. I feel no anger towards him, but an immense amount of care and understanding and closeness. Don't know what to do.
There's a few other parts in your post that I could bunch up with these two, but yah, I don't feel like complicating this too much. ^^;

Okay 3rd, assuming your type is as you show it (ENFJ), your cog function order is Fe-Ni-Se-Ti. I speculate, but maybe you're really good with 'being in touch' with the feeling of others, while being in touch with your own feelings is more difficult. Sure, considering the feelings of others, Fe has quite some overlap with Fi. Actually, I think Fe+Ni may be a lookalike of Fi in this context, but simply put, Fe+Ni does not equal Fi - which means that you scarcely judge by your own feelings. Given the ENFJ cog preferences, I wouldn't be surprised if your own feelings are somewhat in a blind spot to you.

(Fi vs Fe, but in the last pages it's quite a lot about sympathy vs empathy, but maybe you want to give it a read anyways http://personalitycafe.com/cognitive-functions/94197-fe-vs-fi-bleed-over.html)

(Suddenly I understand the title of the ENFJ forums: "ENFJ Forum - The Givers)

Further technicalities aside, your posts seem rather rich of him and void of you. More specifically, your posts are much about him from your point of view, about his hurts and messed-up-ness, which makes it difficult to get into his mind (if it isn't already impossible to get into someone's head through a third person). Your posts seem to reveal little to nothing about your own feelings.

What I'm saying is: where are *you* and *your feelings* in all of this?

You tell us you don't feel anger, that you have only feelings of sympathy for his feelings: closeness, care, understanding (of his feelings). This is also a red flag to me. Everybody has feelings and can get in touch with them. The MBTI type can explain why someone has difficulties getting in touch with their own feelings etc, but the bottom line is this:

I'm not buying your not having feelings like anger. In fact, you have the right to be angry, feel hurt, or frustrated, or similar feelings: because he's not deciding between you and her, he's playing/hurting/etc the both of you. So why are you not feeling angry? I see two possibilities here:
1) It is a blindspot to you, as I tried to explain before
2) You like him so much, you unconsciously push your own feelings away because of your focus on him

Eh, okay, these possibilities may actually be one possibility, but yeah - I don't believe that you don't have feelings of your own.

You may be waiting for him to make a decision, but I think if you will look deep inside yourself, you'll find your feelings, and therefore possible reasons to let go of this guy, empowering you to make a decision yourself.

I don't want to end this post, because I fear that if I don't convince you or don't give you enough helpful information/opinoins, you'll end up hurting real bad...

But I think I've said all I could have, and ultimately, it is your decision.

Don't hesitate to send me a PM, whenever, for whatever, whether you end up staying with him or moving on.


PS: you see why I couldn't write this on my phone? ^^;
PS2: I think I ended up coming to the same conclusion as @Geoffrey, I'd advice you to trust his wisdom ^^
PS3: The others you conjured have also quite some good material to think about!
 

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Oh my God, forget most everything I said (except the part about your evident and impressive concern as an individual). There is some amazing advice here. Sorry if I was looking at it from a closed perspective; I’m very biased as far as these kind of relationships go. There truly is some amazing stuff here, but as has been constantly said, synthesize your feelings about him and the objective truths of the situation. I don’t think there’s any malicious intent on his part but that doesn’t mean that being in a relationship with him would ultimately be a life affirming thing for either of you. I really hope that everything goes well.
 
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