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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm extremely confrontation shy but put a lot of importance on honesty too. My ESFP sister has blunt honesty down to an art but I can never seem to be blunt without sounding mean or worrying about hurting someone's feelings. This leads to me often formulating what I want to say in a diplomatic way, including protest or sometimes criticising someone.

In a couple of days, I'm dreading having to go through a confrontation with someone who needs bluntness in order to understand what I'm saying. I'm already scared but I know it's unavoidable. Do you have any advice how to get over this automatic reaction of caring about hurting someone's feelings?
 

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It's a bit difficult to know how to reply without knowing the situation, but generally, if you can just state your case without making it personal, it might be ok. Some people are just going to be vicious no matter what, you shouldn't care about their feelings. Think about yourself first in those situations. It might also help to rehearse what you are going to tell them, imagine how they might react to you, and be prepared for it.
 

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I'm extremely confrontation shy but put a lot of importance on honesty too. My ESFP sister has blunt honesty down to an art but I can never seem to be blunt without sounding mean or worrying about hurting someone's feelings. This leads to me often formulating what I want to say in a diplomatic way, including protest or sometimes criticising someone.

In a couple of days, I'm dreading having to go through a confrontation with someone who needs bluntness in order to understand what I'm saying. I'm already scared but I know it's unavoidable. Do you have any advice how to get over this automatic reaction of caring about hurting someone's feelings?
Hmm...blunt honesty from an ESFP? or is it some derivative of self-entitlement or selfishness? lol I've known alot of ESFP's that are naturally averse to confrontation and would rather charm other people to doing their 'dirty work'. Typically, it's the INTJ side (their shadow side) where this blunt honesty comes from, because ESFP's usually aren't usually willing to employ strategy or blunt reason/tactics so she's probably in her shadow mode, but who knows?

Whatever the case is, (because I don't know her) it seems because ESF's think primarily in an 'I first' perspective, she just entertains her boundaries exclusively without looking at how to harmonize with others (remember they lack Fe) remember, ESFP's aren't usually deep thinkers or introspectively reflective so dealing with people regardless of consequences or the aftermath (once they're angry) is their preferred method of dealing with people.

ANYONE can be blunt, and even demonic, cruel (I've been called that) and show your 'darkside' (I've been told by parents I have a darkside when I'm intolerant to bullshit from others and I'm completely inflexible when reason goes out the window) but I'm sure you realize why that's a bad thing: you care about people's feelings and their reactions, however, that fact cannot always be readily observed from others, so having to maintain your boundaries with people like this most likely shocks the HELL outta them and is an absolute MUST. Sometimes, life is like Teddy Roosevelt said: "Speak softly, and carry a BIIIIG stick!" you know? lol

You needn't concern yourself with being that way, because you're better than that; find confidence in the fact that you managed to maintain your benign sense of self, whereas others simply felt psychosocially invalidated and decided that 'If I can't beat 'em I may as well join 'em!'. Just state the facts, stick to them, and keep your bottom line...remember to keep things objective and apart from feelings because when you're blinded by feelings that's when people have the choice to accept or deny them, so you don't have to give anyone your feelings because they're the best part of you. However, people HAVE to adhere to reason, and facts (regardless of feeling) otherwise there will, and rightly should be consequences enforced upon them: it's only FAIR and FAIR is far better than just being nice.
 

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The truth is, bottom line, just because you're a good person, and someone ISN'T and you have to deal with them on some level (as these shit-head types are unavoidable) should suggest that you deserve to be shitted on, or that they won't try it: in fact, it suggests the opposite: don't let a narcissistic person who ultimately has NOTHING to offer, other than fear, anger, self-loathing, misery, and frustration pull you down, hell cut 'em off like cancer, they're the 'losers' of society, who've gotten so tired of loosing, that they started 'TAKING' from others, and it just so happens that there's alot of losers out there that will present themselves like 'winners'...the best part about being an INFJ is being able to detect bullshit a mile away so you don't have to get up close to it, and stink in it...you'll be sorry later for doing it, INFJ's take no shit from NOBODY, because there hasn't been a SINGLE SOLITARY PERSON worth entertaining this for. PERIOD.
 

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I understand how you feel. No INFJ (none that I know at least) is comfortable with confrontations. However, confrontations are sometimes completely necessary to make a point across. If you keep shying away from it, it'll only be detrimental to yourself and your relationship with that person. Perhaps this confrontation will turn out quite differently from what you imagined, and as "Another Lost Cause" said, it's good to play different case scenarios to help you prepare for that person's response. Please don't be scared. Most likely, this confrontation may only result for the better of you and him/her, even if that means if your friendship/relationship might no longer be the same. Once it's all over, though, you're sure to feel a burden off your chest and perhaps even breath out a sigh of relief!

I hope the best for you. :)
 

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I'm extremely confrontation shy but put a lot of importance on honesty too. My ESFP sister has blunt honesty down to an art but I can never seem to be blunt without sounding mean or worrying about hurting someone's feelings. This leads to me often formulating what I want to say in a diplomatic way, including protest or sometimes criticising someone.

In a couple of days, I'm dreading having to go through a confrontation with someone who needs bluntness in order to understand what I'm saying. I'm already scared but I know it's unavoidable. Do you have any advice how to get over this automatic reaction of caring about hurting someone's feelings?
Are you incapable of detaching emotions?
Think about it this way-- Your friend needs the tough love. She needs it more than she needs your empathy, or sympathy, or kindness. Because if you let her continue with her behavior, the inevitable outcome will be worse.
So go, and do it, and you will know you did the right thing. Don't feel apologetic; don't say sorry for doing what was best for your friend. And she might appreciate you all the more for it.

Also, I just assumed it was your friend, but I don't really know at all. Regardless, I still stick by what I said. You can just change the pronouns.... :/
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
It's a bit difficult to know how to reply without knowing the situation, but generally, if you can just state your case without making it personal, it might be ok. Some people are just going to be vicious no matter what, you shouldn't care about their feelings. Think about yourself first in those situations. It might also help to rehearse what you are going to tell them, imagine how they might react to you, and be prepared for it.
and @DelicateLarkspur , thank you, for your advice. I'm sorry for not having included the situation, it's simply a long story and I didn't want to go into a long-winded explanation ^^'
To try and summarise: it's my father who I don't have a good relationship with. I haven't seen or talked to him in about a year and the only way I can be around him is to pretend that everything is fine when it isn't. I hate this dishonesty which is why I do want to tell him what the problem is, it's just my fear of confrontation which I need to get over. Your advice sounds reliable and I'm compiling a list of notes what to say as well as trying what you said.

Hmm...blunt honesty from an ESFP? or is it some derivative of self-entitlement or selfishness? lol I've known alot of ESFP's that are naturally averse to confrontation and would rather charm other people to doing their 'dirty work'. Typically, it's the INTJ side (their shadow side) where this blunt honesty comes from, because ESFP's usually aren't usually willing to employ strategy or blunt reason/tactics so she's probably in her shadow mode, but who knows?

Whatever the case is, (because I don't know her) it seems because ESF's think primarily in an 'I first' perspective, she just entertains her boundaries exclusively without looking at how to harmonize with others (remember they lack Fe) remember, ESFP's aren't usually deep thinkers or introspectively reflective so dealing with people regardless of consequences or the aftermath (once they're angry) is their preferred method of dealing with people.
Oh, I actually don't think she welcomes confrontation, she's just better at...how do I put this? She's not good at sugarcoating. She'll try, sometimes, but her patience isn't very long-lived (nor is her attempt of it very good), but she ultimately would rather tell the truth as it is than use a 'nicer', more roundabout way. I assume that's her Fi talking ^^' I also agree with what you say about not thinking about the consequences; she does have situations where she thinks about them but generally, and this is probably not all that uncommon, she allows her family less free room to make mistakes (which I'm pretty sure I'm guilty of as well, just in a different way to her).
I do think it's quite plausible for her to be in shadow mode but it's also possible she simply has well-developed Te. My mother is a Te-aux, so maybe she's developed it because of her.

ANYONE can be blunt, and even demonic, cruel (I've been called that) and show your 'darkside' (I've been told by parents I have a darkside when I'm intolerant to bullshit from others and I'm completely inflexible when reason goes out the window) but I'm sure you realize why that's a bad thing: you care about people's feelings and their reactions, however, that fact cannot always be readily observed from others, so having to maintain your boundaries with people like this most likely shocks the HELL outta them and is an absolute MUST. Sometimes, life is like Teddy Roosevelt said: "Speak softly, and carry a BIIIIG stick!" you know? lol

You needn't concern yourself with being that way, because you're better than that; find confidence in the fact that you managed to maintain your benign sense of self, whereas others simply felt psychosocially invalidated and decided that 'If I can't beat 'em I may as well join 'em!'. Just state the facts, stick to them, and keep your bottom line...remember to keep things objective and apart from feelings because when you're blinded by feelings that's when people have the choice to accept or deny them, so you don't have to give anyone your feelings because they're the best part of you. However, people HAVE to adhere to reason, and facts (regardless of feeling) otherwise there will, and rightly should be consequences enforced upon them: it's only FAIR and FAIR is far better than just being nice.
thanks, you actually made me laugh a bit :') it's not been a particularly good day (or week really) but I'm really happy to have received such a big response and given advice as well as validation. I suppose the mainpoint really is to try and stay as objective as possible...even if he does hate it. I doubt I can deal with it another way because otherwise I will start crying in the middle and then I've already lost.

@telracs , you're right. As it's family, the dynamic and perceived power balance is a little different from friendship. Still, I'm finally finding enough resolve to even want to try to stand up. What you say is true and from what I can tell, he's trying to change but I also realise I need to give him a starting point in how he has to adjust his behaviour towards me. I think the problem with confrontation is that I much too easily feel guilty for having been only a little harsh since I seem to project what I think he might be feeling at that point. As for your other point, I do find detaching from my emotions very difficult, especially in situations which are emotionally charged and/or induce anxiety. I recognise what you say though, and I'll try my best to remember it. Thank you.


To everyone who has replied, thank you so much for your advice and kind words. I probably should add that my father actually has no idea that he has made me feel this way and caused me to develop extreme anxiety toward him. This is why I need to be able to tell him in clearcut words. He isn't intentionally cruel to the people he truly cares about but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I need to be able to deal with this emotional reaction toward him somehow because I'm never going to be able to cut him off for good.
 
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