[Deliciae]

I've been a little down lately after my slow realization that my ENTP (sometimes tested as J) boyfriend just doesn't share the same passion that I have for people. I'd hate to compare, but my past ENFP boyfriend was so much more sensitive and had the same drive to help people as I do. My boyfriend now doesn't really seem interested in my philanthropic goals and adventures, and he said once that he's not really into helping people. Sometimes I think he just sees philanthropy as a passing hobby for me, and not something that is truly important.

This kind of struck me. He's never been really kind to others, at least not face to face with them. He's very critical and all of his observations of people are negative and somewhat insulting - never positive. I'm starting to wonder if this might be a deal breaker or not... I love him dearly, but I feel like my partner should care about people just as much as I do.

Am I being irrational? Any tips on how I can bring this up to him? Any other thoughts? This is really putting me in a sullen mood.

 

[Rusalka]

I love him dearly, but I feel like my partner should care about people just as much as I do.

Not necessarily; he is his own person. You can't force him to be something he's not, and NTs will be... well, NTs. I doubt he will ever develop as sensitive a side as your ENFP ex, and if he does, it will be somewhat contrived and forced. You have to choose for yourself if this really means that much to you in the long run, or if you can live with it.

I don't mean to be harsh, but if that's the only real problem you have with your boyfriend, then you have it pretty good. If you have that connection (sans the sensitivity about people) and that spark, then who cares if he doesn't love people, as long as he loves and cares about you. Do what you want to do, and don't force him to go along. You can still carry out your philanthropic ventures yourself.

He's never been really kind to others, at least not face to face with them. He's very critical and all of his observations of people are negative and somewhat insulting - never positive.

This is incredibly typical NT. My INTP dad (and I, apparently -- makes me think I am an INTP sometimes :bored is exactly like this. Don't expect him to change. He probably thinks his criticisms are helpful and perspicacious, letting others see the error of their ways and how they can improve. Remember NTs are constantly looking and searching for ways to improve things.

 

[Deliciae]

Not necessarily; he is his own person. You can't force him to be something he's not, and NTs will be... well, NTs. I doubt he will ever develop as sensitive a side as your ENFP ex, and if he does, it will be somewhat contrived and forced. You have to choose for yourself if this really means that much to you in the long run, or if you can live with it.

I don't mean to be harsh, but if that's the only real problem you have with your boyfriend, then you have it pretty good. If you have that connection (sans the sensitivity about people) and that spark, then who cares if he doesn't love people, as long as he loves and cares about you. Do what you want to do, and don't force him to go along. You can still carry out your philanthropic ventures yourself.

This is incredibly typical NT. My INTP dad (and I, apparently -- makes me think I am an INTP sometimes :bored is exactly like this. Don't expect him to change. He probably thinks his criticisms are helpful and perspicacious, letting others see the error of their ways and how they can improve. Remember NTs are constantly looking and searching for ways to improve things.

Of course I know he's his own person, and I certainly don't want to go changing him or forcing him to do anything. I guess I just don't like the constant criticism and negativity. Not everything has to be changed and improved. I'd just like to talk about more positive and more meaningful things. And if its something I'm really passionate about, I would think my partner would at least want to dabble in it. I go out and immerse myself in his hobbies and passions, but it's kind of hard to hear, "I don't really like helping people."

It's not necessarily the only real problem, but it's important one to me. I guess I might just have crazy remnants of dreams where my partner and I volunteer and help people together side by side...

I'm not really sure. I'm just in an iffy mood today. Thank you for the input though. I definitely will not try to change him.

 

[Rusalka]

I'd just like to talk about more positive and more meaningful things. And if its something I'm really passionate about, I would think my partner would at least want to dabble in it. I go out and immerse myself in his hobbies and passions, but it's kind of hard to hear, "I don't really like helping people."

Now, see, this is a problem if he doesn't want to participate in any your hobbies. I was under the impression it was only the "helping people" related hobbies.

 

[Acey]

i dont get along with NT's because they'rer view on things and how they express themselves are very different than mine and i can't relate to them.

edit: their*

 

[Blue Heart]

I guess I might just have crazy remnants of dreams where my partner and I volunteer and help people together side by side...

That sounds like a soul mate. My experience has been that when it comes to the most important things to us, it is best that our SO be on the same page. It can be heart wrenching when what is precious to us isn't much or anything to them.

 

[Shine]

I've been a little down lately after my slow realization that my ENTP (sometimes tested as J) boyfriend just doesn't share the same passion that I have for people. I'd hate to compare, but my past ENFP boyfriend was so much more sensitive and had the same drive to help people as I do. My boyfriend now doesn't really seem interested in my philanthropic goals and adventures, and he said once that he's not really into helping people. Sometimes I think he just sees philanthropy as a passing hobby for me, and not something that is truly important.

This kind of struck me. He's never been really kind to others, at least not face to face with them. He's very critical and all of his observations of people are negative and somewhat insulting - never positive. I'm starting to wonder if this might be a deal breaker or not... I love him dearly, but I feel like my partner should care about people just as much as I do.

Am I being irrational? Any tips on how I can bring this up to him? Any other thoughts? This is really putting me in a sullen mood.

What can you do? Try and force him to do the stuff you like? That isn't fair to him and I doubt he would do it anyway. It doesn't make him a bad person, it just means he's different than you. If he doesn't want to help people and it's that important to you, you either need to deal with it or end the relationship.

 

[HannahDanielle]

What can you do? Try and force him to do the stuff you like? That isn't fair to him and I doubt he would do it anyway. It doesn't make him a bad person, it just means he's different than you. If he doesn't want to help people and it's that important to you, you either need to deal with it or end the relationship.

I'll add a +1 to this. You're not going to change him so you need to decide if it's worth it to you to forgive him for not sharing this aspect or move on to someone who *does* fulfill this need of yours. The sooner you figure it out, the better for all parties involved.

 

[Matchbook]

Deliciae,

From my experience with ENTPs, if you want to bring up something that is very important to you and your relationship in general, the manner of approach and conduct is important to keep them on the same page. If you become emotionally reactive or defensive it may make ENTPs very uncomfortable and they will possibly try to deflect it with wit or some form of insensitivity like sarcasm. ENTPs typically have several barriers that keep them from smoothly accessing their feeling side, so it usually requires the INFP to learn how to avoid causing one of those barriers to rise.

My suggestion is to straightforwardly tell him that you want to talk about something important, and arrange the occasion, that way he is not taken off-guard. And when you share your thoughts, make them direct, stating your personal values and goals, making it clear that they represent you. And instead of using accusatory phrases about how you perceive he lacks appreciation for those values, ask him directly if these are things he believes he can come to value and support, and try to encourage a direct answer. If it becomes clear that you cannot achieve unity on that point, then you'll have to decide for yourself whether you can deal with that.