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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello friends, I have a problem with my boyfriend and would love to have your insights.

We met online playing games and was together for 2 years. I took the mbti test at school and came up as INTJ, I asked him to do the test too and he came up as ENFP. I was surprised that, apparently, we are a good match according to people in this forum :laughing:

He has a problem with lying and not taking responsibility. For the first 6 months since we met, he often told me how he had sex with his 4 ex girlfriends and what they did in bed, how much he enjoyed it, what they liked to do etc in detail. I was really upset about this. I kept having mind movies, and 1 time even cried and got angry at him. I never cried in front of anyone except mum. After that time, I tried to stay calm and contain it and not take it out on him while he told me about his sexual experiences. (I am a virgin by choice)

However, one day he admitted to lying all about this and that he is a virgin too. I was initially angry, but tried to stay calm. He got defensive and angry after admitting this - even angrier than me. He explained over and over again:

1. others ridiculed him for being a virgin, and he was afraid of what I thought
2. he kept lying for the good of the relationship, because he thinks I would leave him if I find out about his lying
3. he admitted to his lying now, and should be rewarded for his honesty instead of punished

I do not agree with his points. I think he still lied to me no matter what he experienced in the past. I never made fun of him or anyone for being a virgin, I am one myself! I think he was lying to protect himself, not the relationship. And he still lied to me for 6 months despite admitting to it now.

He did not once apologized or took responsibility for lying. He only kept explaining and making excuses. Also, he was visibly upset during the confrontation. I tried to comfort him after his explanation, and promised to never talk about this again. However, 1 year later, I still think of it and it causes me to lose respect for him. Not only for the lying, but more for not admitting to his mistake and getting angry at me, when I did nothing wrong. I wish he would have comforted and hugged me after hurting me, not the other way around.

Another issue is the difference in our interpretations of agreements. We agreed to take off our online dating profiles together. One month later, I discovered he did not delete his profile and confronted him. He explained that he thinks the agreements is about not contacting the opposite sex, and so he did not contact anyone, and the profile does not matter. He has his own explanation/excuse/interpretation of our agreements. We also agreed to not go out alone with a guy/ a girl. He went out alone to the movies with a girl and did not tell me. I discovered it and he explained that she is his friend's girlfriend, so she does not count as a "girl".

For my part, it is difficult to trust that he would abide by our agreements, because he always seems to have his own interpretations.

I realize that I am looking at the situation with tinted glasses, and maybe I am too subjective in my writing and neglected my own failings. Also I may have subconsciously tried to make myself look good and was not objective enough. English is not my native language neither, so I apologize for the mistakes in writing.

Is he right? Do I feel like he is irresponsible simply because of the difference in our personalities, or that he is really a pathological liar? What do you think? Please help me.
 

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Are these "agreements" usually suggested by you? If so, I suspect this is an immature ENFP who simply hasn't learned to stand up for himself. I think he's not very happy about these agreements and feel that they are restricting his freedom, but he is too afraid of what will happen if he disagrees with you, so he just agrees and then breaks the agreements down the road.

From what you've written here, this relationship really doesn't sound very healthy. I see a lot of trust issues and very lacking communication. I understand not having dating profiles, but not going out alone with the opposite sex seems overly controlling to me. Reminds me a lot of a previous relationship I had, and that was super unhealthy. Just a whole lot of resentment and jealousy all around.
 
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks for your idea, I never thought he might have been unwilling to follow them.

Yes I suggested those agreements and asked for his opinion. I was hesitant and worried if he would agree. He said yes, and I couldn't see any reluctance on his face. He said many times: "if you love me, I am happy to follow your rules." Lol now that you said it, he thought it was me enforcing rules on him too. Yes I do have a problem of coming across as too harsh sometimes, but I try to be as gentle to people as possible, especially him.

I don't think that it is controlling or morally wrong to have dealbreakers (not going out with others like a date). No one is forcing anyone, he is 26, he could speak up or just leave if he is not happy with it. Why stay and make both of us miserable? He has a few dealbreakers too that I agreed to and followed.

Apart from those issues, we are pretty good together. What part of it do you think is lacking in communication?

FPs, I don't understand you :frustrating:
 

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It's important to feel sexy and one person can only do that to another for so long. Getting attention from girls is what he wants, not sleeping with them. He kept up the profile for the attention. This is what I think at least. If you restrict too much then you break down at some point. Intimacy and sex should be between you too only but compliments and reassurance should not come from just one person. You would just never believe it. It's not the persons fault, people just need reassurance of their qualities.

I lied about bout not being a virgin too. It's actually quite normal for males to lie about that because of the immature judgment of your friends at younger ages. Yeah it was to protect himself. But what's wrong with that?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Yes I understand your point about reassurance. This is not something I could give him. I actually make a serious face to stop guys from complimenting me lol. I don't need this to live, but maybe he does. Maybe I don't compliment him enough. Maybe we are not that compatible...

Yeah nothing wrong with protecting himself, so what's wrong with that? Lying is wrong. Lying about important details to your girlfriend is wrong. Keep making details to support lies is wrong. Him seeing how I cried and hurt but keep lying for 6 months to make himself look good is wrong. And the messed up part is, the first message he sent me on the dating site was: "hi my name is xxxx, I would like to know you, I dont lie I dont cheat" Such irony. :th_blush:
 

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But don't you think you can forgive him for lying about that? Don't you think he understands what lying does because someone he cares about got hurt from it?

I know you're suspicious that he's still lying and that's why you can't forgive him fully but maybe these little lies he's making is because he fears you won't respond well to his needs, like a demanding boss. Show him you're not demanding. You may be letting him be afraid...

dont say you two aren't compatible. Just work to understand and fix things. You only know you aren't compatible after you try and fight and it still doesn't work out.

It it can be hard to communicate sometimes but don't give up on communication because it's hard. Talk to him about why he is lying and be curious more than demanding about it.

Lying is an act of fear and aggression only feeds fear, so aggression feeds lying too. Just talk to him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Yes, you are right, sorry for the rant above, it was not directed at you. Please don't take it personally. :crying:
Thank you for the kind words. You are really encouraging.
I promise I am not this harsh in real life lol. I try to joke, kiss him a lot and listen to his everyday problems. So there is no mistreating him :frustrating: But there is a limit to how much I can give and receive little..
 

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I think the problem more than anything is that he lied because he was scared. he was scared you would like him because he's a virgin. Being mocked takes a toll on people, even if you didn't. As someone who was heavily mocked, I can tell you that I sometimes become paranoid of my own friends, even though I trust them. It's something I cannot control. You might not have done anything wrong, but you must understand how scared and angry he was because you talked about something he's not comfortable about. Actually, you conformed him about it. I think talking calmly about it would have been more productive.

About the agreement, I think he believes that if he didn't use it, it doesn't matter that's still up. He's not betraying you, so it's okay.

Like @Stelliferous said, I think you're dealing with an immature ENFP who has learned to stand up for himself and might have been heavily mocked of humiliated in a way that made him scared.

I think that the solution is to trust him and talk more to him. ENFPs hate when you doubt about their trust and love for you. Help him grow as a person and you get the biggest gift of them all, devoted love.
 

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Yes, you are right, sorry for the rant above, it was not directed at you. Please don't take it personally. :crying:
Thank you for the kind words. You are really encouraging.
I promise I am not this harsh in real life lol. I try to joke, kiss him a lot and listen to his everyday problems. So there is no mistreating him :frustrating: But there is a limit to how much I can give and receive little..
Mistrust creates mistrust and trust creates trust. You have to battle mistrust with trust, not mistrust. Otherwise you both receive little. Think of it like a trap. And you don't know you're in it, you just think you're "incompatible". Don't fool yourself either thinking you're giving and not receiving. If you're not receiving, chances are he isn't receiving as well. Just maybe in a different way that you're not looking at. This is why communication is so important. It gets you to focus on what should be focused on.

I know you're not harsh. :) Believe me I've been around FAR harsher. And ranting/venting isn't something to apologize for either. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
@Jetstream Aya

Yes you are right, that was exactly what he said, in his mind he was not betraying me as long as he didn't send messages. While I kind of took it literally and deleted my account. I guess it was my fault too. As for the being mocked part, I don't really understand it, but I can try to give him more time to be more honest.

And just as you said he is really sensitive to any indication of me not trusting him, even if it is a misunderstanding or etc. He gets really upset and then I don't know what to do :frustrating: The only thing I could do is to rug sweep it and never talk about his lying again.

@Stelliferous

Thank you for your warm words. I have an ISFJ friend and he is really humble and supportive too. You guys are great :happy:
 

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@Jetstream Aya

Yes you are right, that was exactly what he said, in his mind he was not betraying me as long as he didn't send messages. While I kind of took it literally and deleted my account. I guess it was my fault too.
That's okay. I give you a warning to be very clear on what you want an ENFP to do. We make a million interpretations of the same thing and may not follow the one you want.

As for the being mocked part, I don't really understand it, but I can try to give him more time to be more honest.
How don't you understand it? Is it because you were never mocked? Or is it something else?

And just as you said he is really sensitive to any indication of me not trusting him, even if it is a misunderstanding or etc. He gets really upset and then I don't know what to do :frustrating: The only thing I could do is to rug sweep it and never talk about his lying again.
I don't say to forget it and never talk about it, but rather try to speak about it nicely and explain him why you think it's not nice. Be understanding with him, ENFPs like that.
 

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@selena87

Leave him. That's what I think, he's only seein his ways and obviously isn't doin what he say, and thats a fucking huge Red, dark, dark red, all kind of red and dark AND BLACK flag

Look, a relationship should be a few things straight from the start :

-> Honest, as in, there's not that exhausting "scanning if hes lyin" background.

That said, yes men are kinda beein bullied a lot by other men (as in, jerks) as long as they remain virgins while beein young (because you know, you re not a man until you put your D in it), and some will act cocky or something to lose it. I'm not meanin to defend his behavior or something.
But even by admittin it he's still angry at you on that topic (associated with the fact that you were a bit angry that he lied) ? lol.

Other than that well, some stuff is fine when you re figurin out yourself and how to deal with a relationship, it take two to tango right ? its not all black and white but ...

-> the relationship have to be goin with the flow, it have to be easy and confrontations will happen but they need to be smoothed out by communication and willingness from both parts to resolve the matters, and from what I'm readin it's mostly you who got the weight of it on your shoulders as your sense of actions / honesty are straightforward, and its just not the case on his side.


Now for the :

We also agreed to not go out alone with a guy/ a girl.
uh oh ? That both of you would feel jealous or something if it was the case is fine but isn't that restraining one's freedom ? and of course ... gettin in the way of an ENFP's freedom result in him still doin it and not tellin you.

So yeah I mean, hey. Stop wastin your time with a guy who dont give a fuck and that you can't trust. He's about himself, let him be just that on his own. If he cant be trusted upon a rule you mutually agree on, what will it be in the near future about more sensitive matters ? Not cutting it I'm afraid.

Unless you decide to just like you know go full undivided support and sweetness and attention and coping with him even if it doesn't make any logical sense, like hey ok I'm givin us another chance, but that can also send a signal of "hey I can do that kind of shit with my girl and she's sweet enough to the point of forgivin me and clearin it by herself so I can misbehave some more"

Some people lack of compassion, so it can be a possibility. Or he'll take a mental slap (best case) and realise that he fucked up royally and that you truelly love him for what he really is and not what he's projectin to you, and then be devoted and secure and stuff will be awesome ! Ball is in your court, just don't take too long to throw it, no matter the way, or anger / resentment will begin to build up on your side and what can be dealt with in a relatively peaceful way, will not be

(I'd still dump him)
 

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But don't you think you can forgive him for lying about that? Don't you think he understands what lying does because someone he cares about got hurt from it?

I know you're suspicious that he's still lying and that's why you can't forgive him fully but maybe these little lies he's making is because he fears you won't respond well to his needs, like a demanding boss. Show him you're not demanding. You may be letting him be afraid...

dont say you two aren't compatible. Just work to understand and fix things. You only know you aren't compatible after you try and fight and it still doesn't work out.

It it can be hard to communicate sometimes but don't give up on communication because it's hard. Talk to him about why he is lying and be curious more than demanding about it.

Lying is an act of fear and aggression only feeds fear, so aggression feeds lying too. Just talk to him.
Its not that shes suspicious, he's still lying. And that would be fucking exhaustin mentally to figure out if hes gonna do stuff / actually beein truthful everytime hes openin his mouth. That's not what you want with a relationship
 

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Its not that shes suspicious, he's still lying. And that would be fucking exhaustin mentally to figure out if hes gonna do stuff / actually beein truthful everytime hes openin his mouth. That's not what you want with a relationship
A relationship is a combination of TWO people. In stressful situations people look only at themselves and two people looking at themselves is not going to go anywhere. It will be static. You shouldn't look at somebody's problems and think "I deserve different" but rather "can I do anything to actually fix this problem?" and if you can't you should begin to think "I think I deserve different." And THEN move on.

People say "you can't fix people" and that's because those people who say that try to fix people instead of earn their trust. Change happens with trust, not with entitlement.

Lying is a communication problem. It's not abuse. She's not getting hit. Nobody is mistreating anybody here. The problem is a lack of trust. One person is saying "I don't trust a liar" and the other is saying "I don't trust her reaction to the truth / the stability of this relationship" and they are not even telling each other about that mistrust. But they sense it in the other and then fall into a pattern of mistrust that doesn't go away. That's why she should communicate with him in a way that builds trust rather than shows her mistrust. But she has to take that leap and focus on his viewpoint and not hers. Only then will you get the truth and be capable of making a decision on whether you want to trust him or not. Because sometimes trust is too difficult depending on what the other person is doing. But if it is just something minor, like hiding some things because he doesn't want to get attacked from not even doing something bad (that's what happens when you tell your friends you're a virgin too. You actually get verbally harassed for something that isn't even a big deal).

What if the guy was on here talking about how he doesn't want to tell the truth about minor things to his girlfriend because he's afraid of how she would react? Would you tell him to break up with her? What does breaking up solve? Yeah it gets rid of that mental exhaustion that both are experiencing but it also gets rid of someone they care about. She wants to trust him. Whether or not she can is not known at this point. So throwing away somebody who could potentially be somebody you can trust is a very stupid mistake. Sometimes it takes some wiggling to get the honey.
 

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A relationship is a combination of TWO people. In stressful situations people look only at themselves and two people looking at themselves is not going to go anywhere. It will be static. You shouldn't look at somebody's problems and think "I deserve different" but rather "can I do anything to actually fix this problem?" and if you can't you should begin to think "I think I deserve different." And THEN move on.

People say "you can't fix people" and that's because those people who say that try to fix people instead of earn their trust. Change happens with trust, not with entitlement.

Lying is a communication problem. It's not abuse. She's not getting hit. Nobody is mistreating anybody here. The problem is a lack of trust. One person is saying "I don't trust a liar" and the other is saying "I don't trust her reaction to the truth / the stability of this relationship" and they are not even telling each other about that mistrust. But they sense it in the other and then fall into a pattern of mistrust that doesn't go away. That's why she should communicate with him in a way that builds trust rather than shows her mistrust. But she has to take that leap and focus on his viewpoint and not hers. Only then will you get the truth and be capable of making a decision on whether you want to trust him or not. Because sometimes trust is too difficult depending on what the other person is doing. But if it is just something minor, like hiding some things because he doesn't want to get attacked from not even doing something bad (that's what happens when you tell your friends you're a virgin too. You actually get verbally harassed for something that isn't even a big deal).

What if the guy was on here talking about how he doesn't want to tell the truth about minor things to his girlfriend because he's afraid of how she would react? Would you tell him to break up with her? What does breaking up solve? Yeah it gets rid of that mental exhaustion that both are experiencing but it also gets rid of someone they care about. She wants to trust him. Whether or not she can is not known at this point. So throwing away somebody who could potentially be somebody you can trust is a very stupid mistake. Sometimes it takes some wiggling to get the honey.
They already talked about the problem ? he admitted for the lies about his virginity, then he's beein borderline + trespassin things when they establish rules together and not even tellin her.

I'm sorry but he just doesn't show respect to her according to what she written. It's not up to her to fix his issues, if he need assistance that is, why would she carry the whole thing on her own ?

It's over the little things that you can paint a global behavior. If he begin to lie about small things because he's scared, you can show support and tell him that you're not afraid and there's no need, on that I agree but, when he keep doin that on rules that they established well it's time to be with someone else, it can only go for so long. Not a lot of people are that aware or able to deal with their vulnerabilities / weaknesses, she showed him that he could and he's just ignorin it.

Thats kind of a no brainer. You re not in a romantic relationship to fix someone.

Honesty, trust and good times is what it's all about. Too much work is too much work
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Jetstream Aya :

No I never talked about it because I promised not to. So I never brought it up this past year. But he sometimes brings it up himself. Last week I was causally asking him what he thought of me when he first saw my pictures, we talked and joked a bit. Then he suddenly said: "I lied about my virginity because you wrote on your dating profile that you like the man to take charge." I couldn't believe it. Was he saying his own behaviour is my fault? He still never said sorry or admitted that he was wrong. I don't know what to say, I just changed the subject.

I don't understand why he keeps dwelling on his past, it was so long ago and no one is laughing at him now. I was the target of bullying in highschool too, and yes it felt bad, but now life is good, I am studying in a top uni, the bullies apologized and became my friends, people like me, and I am honestly grateful for that experience because it made me stronger. His life is pretty good too, he has LOTS of friends, people love him, girls flirt with him, he is a manager with 100+ people under him. And he puts on this happy face, but he is still so sad inside for no reason at all.

Sometimes I get really impatient with him, I just want to tell him to stop the self pitying. It is annoying. I never said this aloud of course, but he could see it on my face. Sometimes I feel guilty to be so insensitive to him.



Sygma:

Thank you for giving a new perspective, yes I agree very much that there is a point when a relationship is just not worth it anymore.

As a disclaimer first, the story may sound like I'm reasonable here, but if he told his story I probably sound really demanding and pushy. I am human too, I am prone to making myself look good. There is definitely sample selection bias in this thread. I don't know which of us is right.

The only jealous person is me lol. I am not fine with him going out with someone like a date. I told him, he agreed immediately, made promises etc, no reluctance from what I see. He also said he is completely fine with me going out with guys. He is really chill about it. But I don't like one sided agreements, so I don't hang out with guy friends alone neither, only in a group.

I found out about the movies thing and he said that the girl was his friend's girlfriend, and he would never betray his friend and hit on her. Therefore, in his mind it was fine to go to the movies with her alone, because she is "not a girl". I was so pissed, I think girls mean girls, I don't care who she is. I said I don't like it, you're not supposed to do this. He is a sweetheart and immediately agreed. Until now he never went out with girls alone again, as far as I know of. But what if he did and this time it was his coworker and he would not hit on a coworker blah blah blah..? What's next?

The thing that worries me is, I discovered him going out with her by accident, what else do I not know of? What other strange "interpretations" does he have? I can't moniter him 24/7. He readily made promises and broke them, then explained his way out of it. The imagination is driving me crazy.

Again I don't think that I am restricting his freedom, he is free to leave me whenever he wants. I don't think he is "still figuring out" or something. This is actually my first relationship, but I did a lot of research and read a lot before this. He already had a few girlfriends before me, and he is also 5 years older than me. I guess I kind of expected him to be the mature person and guide me. It is hard to reconcile expectation with reality.


Stelliferous:

I do sympathize with his side of the story, but I did not want to address the point about trust because it is really complicated. I CAN'T just give him trust, then it would be fake lol. Trust has to be earned, not given.

I want him to be able to tell me the truth no matter how I react, I can take it lol. If what he said is right, I would try my best to accept it. But he is different. I feel like he is a volcano and would explode if I even hint at the sensitive topics. So I just don't talk about it, don't address it. Now we are both tiptoeing around each other, and it is exhausting.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
He is a great boyfriend normally actually, really warm, supportive, so sweet and reasonable. He gives me lots of compliments, I admit I enjoy them a lot. I try to give him compliments when I remember to, but it is a conscious effort, and I bet the effect sucks, unlike his charm. I'd say he is 2x better than me lol.

But in conflict/stressful situations, it is like he suddenly became a different person. I still can't get over how he screamed at me just because he feels guilty lying to me, and that it is my fault somehow. I wish I could have someone to depend on, but I can't depend on him.

I also find it hard to believe that many girls actively flirted with him and that he did nothing to instigate it. It is pretty easy to avoid attention from the opposite sex in my opinion, I just put on a serious face, or only talk about programming, or something, and then no one tries to flirt with me. But for him, somehow every girl tries to flirt with him aggressively and he is completely innocent? He even complains about that to me lol. I don't like it.
 

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@selena87 Did he looked guilty when he told you that? He might not be able to apologize or admit his mistake, but showing guilt is a way to know if he knows that what he did is wrong.
I'm very much prone to feel guilt over small things and when they come up I feel the need to explain myself even if I have been forgiven. My fiancee has to deal with that from time to time. I even feel guilt about my thoughts and things beyond my control.
For example, a guy I recently started talking to has fallen in love with me for no reason whatsoever even though he knows I'm not free and I felt guilty about it and had to explain it to my fiancee.
Some people can't verbalize apologizes and must learn how to do that (usually because they're too prideful) but that doesn't mean that they don't feel bad about what they did.
Above all, don't feel guilty about his lie. You're not to blame for it, he was the one who lied. He lied to please you and be the best for you, so you would notice him. I don't think you should feel guilty about it.

Bullying is more complicated than apologizing, being friends and not being mocked now. It leaves scars. I was heavily bullied almost 10 years ago and I still get defensive with certain moves or words even if they have no intention of hurting me. It leaves scars, both physical and mental. You don't just move on because you now have a good life. It's a bit like depression, you're never fully healed from it.
I feel like he hasn't dealt with his demons completely and that's something only he can do. It's not easy, he'll need lots of support. Sometimes, when people smile, they're dying inside because they feel like they're not good enough or don't deserve their place because of things they haver been told in the past and stays in the back of their minds.
ENFPs have a tendency to think about the what ifs and that might leave him wondering if he had done x or y in the past. He might have problems dealing with it too, but, again, that's something he has to surpass alone. You can only support him.

I understand that you get those feelings, but I feel that it's better to comfort someone who feels that way. It makes them feel loved which leads them not to feel so guilty. That's who me and my fiancee work. Again, we're both people who need love and care above all else. Your boyfriend might be the same. Flirting doesn't equal feeling loved or cared for. It's those kind words of 'it's over now' 'you're not to blame' or 'it's okay' and/or a hug that make it all better.
Of course, don't do it if you actually mean it.

I think that you're anxious and nervous, because you're scared that he might run off with another girl, I understand those feelings, but you can't push him around. ENFPs like their space and freedom. Give him that when he needs him. Give him space to go out with his friends and to have time with you.

As for the use of the word girl. I think he meant girl as in girlfriend, like she's not my girl so I don't care. But that's just what I think.
 

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He is a great boyfriend normally actually, really warm, supportive, so sweet and reasonable. He gives me lots of compliments, I admit I enjoy them a lot. I try to give him compliments when I remember to, but it is a conscious effort, and I bet the effect sucks, unlike his charm. I'd say he is 2x better than me lol.

But in conflict/stressful situations, it is like he suddenly became a different person. I still can't get over how he screamed at me just because he feels guilty lying to me, and that it is my fault somehow. I wish I could have someone to depend on, but I can't depend on him.

I also find it hard to believe that many girls actively flirted with him and that he did nothing to instigate it. It is pretty easy to avoid attention from the opposite sex in my opinion, I just put on a serious face, or only talk about programming, or something, and then no one tries to flirt with me. But for him, somehow every girl tries to flirt with him aggressively and he is completely innocent? He even complains about that to me lol. I don't like it.
I tent to scream when I get angry or defensive. It's not a conscious thing. I just do it. He might feel like you're not listening to him.

ENFPs can be very oblivious about their charm and what they say might be interpreted romantically when they're just being friendly. We love to make everybody feel good (and better than us, in some cases), and that might be taken the wrong way.
He doesn't want to be flirted with because he's not talking to women with that objective. He's just being friendly.
 

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No I never talked about it because I promised not to. So I never brought it up this past year. But he sometimes brings it up himself. Last week I was causally asking him what he thought of me when he first saw my pictures, we talked and joked a bit. Then he suddenly said: "I lied about my virginity because you wrote on your dating profile that you like the man to take charge." I couldn't believe it. Was he saying his own behaviour is my fault? He still never said sorry or admitted that he was wrong. I don't know what to say, I just changed the subject.
It sounds like he's looking for closure on this. He can't seem to admit that he's in the wrong, so he's looking to you as a way out.

I don't understand why he keeps dwelling on his past, it was so long ago and no one is laughing at him now. I was the target of bullying in highschool too, and yes it felt bad, but now life is good, I am studying in a top uni, the bullies apologized and became my friends, people like me, and I am honestly grateful for that experience because it made me stronger. His life is pretty good too, he has LOTS of friends, people love him, girls flirt with him, he is a manager with 100+ people under him. And he puts on this happy face, but he is still so sad inside for no reason at all.
I think this may be a result of Ne always seeing how things can be better, and inferior Si fixated on the past. I have the same problem with being overly sad, and overly defensive because of bullying that happened a long time ago.

Again I don't think that I am restricting his freedom, he is free to leave me whenever he wants. I don't think he is "still figuring out" or something. This is actually my first relationship, but I did a lot of research and read a lot before this. He already had a few girlfriends before me, and he is also 5 years older than me. I guess I kind of expected him to be the mature person and guide me. It is hard to reconcile expectation with reality.
As a 26 male ENFP myself, I think we may take the longest to mature, sadly.

I do sympathize with his side of the story, but I did not want to address the point about trust because it is really complicated. I CAN'T just give him trust, then it would be fake lol. Trust has to be earned, not given.

I want him to be able to tell me the truth no matter how I react, I can take it lol. If what he said is right, I would try my best to accept it. But he is different. I feel like he is a volcano and would explode if I even hint at the sensitive topics. So I just don't talk about it, don't address it. Now we are both tiptoeing around each other, and it is exhausting.
I recommend reading this article and then have him read it. I Think You're Fat It's an interesting article, and can facilitate a conversation about honesty. Tell him you're tired of tiptoeing around each other and want to talk to him about some sensitive topics, but are afraid of him exploding. If he does explode stay completely calm, meeting anger with anger only makes things worse. Plus if he sees you can remain calm, and you're the one starting off with honesty, he will feel better about being honest with you about things he may be keeping to himself. For the record I don't advocate much of what's said in this article, I just think it can be a great way to facilitate the conversation.
 
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